Second Best
Title: Second Best
Pairing: Sekai, side!Xiuhan || Genre: romance, fluff, angst || Rating: R
Warning: self-mutilation (not graphic)
Word Count: 1915
Summary: Sehun turns to self-mutilation when he can't cope with the pain while watching Luhan and Xiumin. Jongin can't watch from the sidelines without doing anything.
A/N: written for meganedere. Thanks for the prompt! :)
There was nothing worse than the feeling of loneliness that crawled up Sehun's throat and resided in his heart. It was a dull throb that only intensified as he watched Minseok and Luhan interact. It isn’t that they were adamant on public displays of affection, but Sehun's eyes could only focus on Luhan which only meant that he saw all the little things that escaped everyone else’s perception. He saw how Luhan always looked at Minseok after talking, silently looking for agreement. He observed how Luhan could not last more than five minutes without a hand on Minseok's thigh or arm. How Luhan looked at Minseok when the latter was not looking, a look of adoration that could only relay love. Sehun viewed it all and it ate him up slowly.
He wanted something that he could never get, someone who would never look at him or touch him the way he wanted. He appreciated Luhan's love for him, however being seen as a younger brother that needed protection was not what he truly wanted. He was bound to feel this unrequited love until the end. Suffer through it quietly while no one realized. It kept him up at night, eyes closed but mind awake, thinking, looking, searching for something that was unattainable. That realization alone led him to his current situation, sitting down in the tub at home, shower on, and a razor in his hand. A part of him always wanted to stop this, to put the razor away and find another way to let go. He reprimanded himself, told himself he was useless, he was even more useless by doing something like this. This only egged him on, gave him more reason to hate himself, more reason to punish himself.
The first time he cut himself was the day Minseok and Luhan communicated to the group that they were dating. Everyone was expecting it, it was apparent, but until then Sehun still had hope. He still believed that Luhan's hand on his shoulder meant more than it truly did. That luhan laughed at his jokes not because they were funny but because he cared. At that moment, without any warning, his world came crashing down. Luhan abandoned him, now he was all alone. Sehun had excused himself, using the shower as an excuse, and it was the only way he knew to cope with his pain. It hurt, but the physical pain was easier to understand than his emotional pain. He could see the gash on his inner thigh, the blood seeping out; unlike what he felt on the inside, it was more tangible. He cried himself to sleep for days after that, the itch and wound on his thigh reminding him daily of the person he was not, the person he could never be.
It wasn't until three months later, that Jongin found out. Sehun had accidentally walked in on Luhan and Minseok making out, and he couldn’t see or think clearly, his emotions went haywire. He found himself in the washroom, digging his nails into the palm of his hands, unable to stop himself from inflicting even more pain. He didn't realize he forgot to lock the door until it was too late. Jongin was in the middle of the washroom, eyes wide in shock as he stared at Sehun in the bathtub, blood running down his thighs like veins.
Sehun gasped and quickly covered the gash, wincing as the pain intensified. "Please leave," he begged, eyes pleading and brimming with tears. His voice wracked and face full of vulnerability.
Jongin looked up, gazed right into Sehun's eyes. "No." He was proud that his voice didn't crack, the image in front of him taking a toll on him
"Leave!" Sehun yelled in desperation, tears now flowing down freely, embarrassed to be seen like this.
Jongin turned around, and Sehun looked away, he was relieved that Jongin was leaving but disappointed that he had not stayed. He looked up in shock, when the sound of Jongin locking the door reverberated through the bathroom. Jongin was now walking towards him; when their eyes locked, Sehun looked away.
"Leave," he whimpered one last time, before he began sobbing aloud. Jongin ignored him as he took off his pants. Stepping into the bathtub in his boxers and he sat down facing Sehun. Sehun's sobs only got louder, and Jongin raised a hand tentatively, silently asking for permission, when Sehun didn't pull away, he slowly started to caress his head.
"Hey," he whispered tenderly, "it'll be okay." He ran his hand through his strands gently, not getting closer in case he would scare Sehun away. Sehun was trembling, his lower lip quivering uncontrollably. But Jongin just whispered softly, repeatedly, "it's okay"
This only made Sehun cry even more, it wouldn't be okay. He was never going to be okay. He buried his face in his hand, unwilling to let Jongin see him like this. Jongin never pulled his hand away; he silently pulled him forward until his face was buried in his neck, so that he could hug him while he cried.
Sehun didn't know how long they remained like that, he had stopped crying, leading to quiet sniffles. However, he was drained, all these emotions came crashing down. Now he was drowsy, close to falling asleep on Jongin's shoulder.
"Let's get you to bed, yeah?" Jongin asked, voice piercing the silence as he continued to stroke him gently. Sehun nodded.
That night, Jongin had made him sit by the sink, as he cleaned his wound with antiseptic and covered it with a Band-Aid. Sehun jumped when Jongin’s fingertips had grazed over his old wounds, now just scars that were evidence of his past traumas. There was pain and guilt reflected in his eyes and Sehun looked away when the guilt overwhelmed him.
Jongin looked up at him, forcing a smile, but Sehun saw the tears brimming in his eyes. "I'm sorry," Jongin said. His voice soft and eyes shining with unshed tears
Sehun shook his head, how could he tell Jongin that it wasn't his fault. He was the one who was weak, useless and unwanted.
---
The looks Jongin gave him after that night were hard to deal with. His eyes were always questioning, as if silently asking him if he was okay or if he had cut recently. It only led to feelings of guilt and Sehun could not control himself as he cut, Jongin's eyes lingering in his head, pleading him to stop.
Any time he was near Luhan and Minseok Jongin would suddenly be by his side. Smile etched on his face, fingers lingering on his skin. His voice soothing Sehun's fears and worries away. It gave him a clearer mind, he saw things he had never seen before, he paid attention to the love all the members gave him.
Junmyeon always fussed about him, tucking him in at night even though Sehun was of age now. Kyungsoo always made sure he ate enough. Jongdae, Chanyeol and Baekhyun teased him, it was their way of including him, making him a part of them. Lay was less subtle; his kisses and pecks lingering way after he left with a smile. Kris sent him pictures often, with snide remarks that made him roll his eyes but laugh. Luhan and Minseok treated him like a younger brother, doting on him and forgiving him for using banmal. Tao was clingy, asking either to go shopping or to take a shower, Sehun acted like it annoyed him but he enjoyed it. Jongin, Jongin was different, he was there during his worst and accepted him and loved him nevertheless. He was all smiles and gentle words, caring actions and lingering touches. He crawled under Sehun's skin before he could stop him. He filled Sehun's void, molded himself around him like a shield.
These were all things Sehun never paid attention to, all the love that the others showed him. His previous thoughts completely revolving around Luhan. It was a trigger, a simple crush turned obsession. Luhan represented more, represented Sehun's low self-esteem, lack of control, he represented the loneliness.
Sehun cut less but still did, he couldn't stop.
Sehun was startled and jumped when there was a knock at the door. "Sehun, are you okay?" Sehun recognized the voice to be Jongin's, of course it would be.
"Y-yeah," he stuttered, quickly climbing out of the tub, "I'll be out soon."
When he got out a few minutes later, no one was waiting outside. Sehun walked quietly towards him room, hoping that no one paid attention to him seeing as he was unwilling to talk to anyone.
He climbed into bed, and pulled the covers up over himself, covering up until his neck. When the door creaked open, he ignored it, acting asleep so that Junmyeon would leave him alone instead of asking him a hundred questions about his demeanor. He shut his eyes tightly when he heard the footsteps coming straight to his bed. "Can I join you?" Sehun could recognize that voice any day.
Sehun moves towards the wall, leaving enough space for Jongin to lie down behind him. He climbed in, molding his body around Sehun’s. Jongin wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him back towards his chest as to leave no space between them, burrowing his nose in the crook of his neck and inhaling.
"Did you cut again?" He probed softly, his breath tickling Sehun’s neck. He wriggled a little, the tickling sensation taking over.
"No," Sehun lied.
"Was it because of Luhan again?" He was unrelenting, without skipping a beat.
"No," Sehun said and this time he was saying the truth. It wasn't Luhan that crossed his mind but Jongin’s. It was never about Luhan, Luhan was just the catalyst, and it took long for Sehun to come to that realization.
Sehun turned around, hugging Jongin back, feeling his heart beat loudly in his chest. The feelings Sehun grew for Jongin were special. It wasn't just love, but he felt calm, excited, happy, and anxious all at once while he was with him. He wanted Jongin to smile at him forever, to be the reason for Jongin’s smile. He nuzzled his face into his neck, wanting to feel his heartbeat stronger. He kissed him on his neck and giggled when Jongin wriggled. "I want to stop," Sehun said into his chest. He did not need to explain himself, Jongin understood him better than anyone else.
"Okay," Jongin answered, running his hand over his back gently.
"I don't know how," he added. Most of the time it wasn’t something he did consciously, it was this big urge to inflict pain without any thoughts about consequences.
Jongin lifted his face up, leaving down to kiss him lovingly. Sehun kissed him back, his lips chapped but slick as they moved against his.
"We'll figure it out," Jongin said, "together."
Sehun squeezed him, not knowing how to thank him.
"Let's clean your cut before we sleep, okay?" Jongin said, he leaned down and gave him a peck before pulling back to leave the bed.
Sehun held on, not letting him go far. "I already did," he whispered, knowing exactly what this meant.
Jongin’s smile was evidence enough to show that he understood. He pulled Sehun back towards him, nuzzling his neck, "I love you"
"Me too," Sehun mumbled sleepily, and he meant it. With Jongin he wasn't the second best, he was just himself.
A/N: sekai has a special spot in my heart.
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Pairing: Sekai, side!Xiuhan || Genre: romance, fluff, angst || Rating: R
Warning: self-mutilation (not graphic)
Word Count: 1915
Summary: Sehun turns to self-mutilation when he can't cope with the pain while watching Luhan and Xiumin. Jongin can't watch from the sidelines without doing anything.
A/N: written for meganedere. Thanks for the prompt! :)
There was nothing worse than the feeling of loneliness that crawled up Sehun's throat and resided in his heart. It was a dull throb that only intensified as he watched Minseok and Luhan interact. It isn’t that they were adamant on public displays of affection, but Sehun's eyes could only focus on Luhan which only meant that he saw all the little things that escaped everyone else’s perception. He saw how Luhan always looked at Minseok after talking, silently looking for agreement. He observed how Luhan could not last more than five minutes without a hand on Minseok's thigh or arm. How Luhan looked at Minseok when the latter was not looking, a look of adoration that could only relay love. Sehun viewed it all and it ate him up slowly.
He wanted something that he could never get, someone who would never look at him or touch him the way he wanted. He appreciated Luhan's love for him, however being seen as a younger brother that needed protection was not what he truly wanted. He was bound to feel this unrequited love until the end. Suffer through it quietly while no one realized. It kept him up at night, eyes closed but mind awake, thinking, looking, searching for something that was unattainable. That realization alone led him to his current situation, sitting down in the tub at home, shower on, and a razor in his hand. A part of him always wanted to stop this, to put the razor away and find another way to let go. He reprimanded himself, told himself he was useless, he was even more useless by doing something like this. This only egged him on, gave him more reason to hate himself, more reason to punish himself.
The first time he cut himself was the day Minseok and Luhan communicated to the group that they were dating. Everyone was expecting it, it was apparent, but until then Sehun still had hope. He still believed that Luhan's hand on his shoulder meant more than it truly did. That luhan laughed at his jokes not because they were funny but because he cared. At that moment, without any warning, his world came crashing down. Luhan abandoned him, now he was all alone. Sehun had excused himself, using the shower as an excuse, and it was the only way he knew to cope with his pain. It hurt, but the physical pain was easier to understand than his emotional pain. He could see the gash on his inner thigh, the blood seeping out; unlike what he felt on the inside, it was more tangible. He cried himself to sleep for days after that, the itch and wound on his thigh reminding him daily of the person he was not, the person he could never be.
It wasn't until three months later, that Jongin found out. Sehun had accidentally walked in on Luhan and Minseok making out, and he couldn’t see or think clearly, his emotions went haywire. He found himself in the washroom, digging his nails into the palm of his hands, unable to stop himself from inflicting even more pain. He didn't realize he forgot to lock the door until it was too late. Jongin was in the middle of the washroom, eyes wide in shock as he stared at Sehun in the bathtub, blood running down his thighs like veins.
Sehun gasped and quickly covered the gash, wincing as the pain intensified. "Please leave," he begged, eyes pleading and brimming with tears. His voice wracked and face full of vulnerability.
Jongin looked up, gazed right into Sehun's eyes. "No." He was proud that his voice didn't crack, the image in front of him taking a toll on him
"Leave!" Sehun yelled in desperation, tears now flowing down freely, embarrassed to be seen like this.
Jongin turned around, and Sehun looked away, he was relieved that Jongin was leaving but disappointed that he had not stayed. He looked up in shock, when the sound of Jongin locking the door reverberated through the bathroom. Jongin was now walking towards him; when their eyes locked, Sehun looked away.
"Leave," he whimpered one last time, before he began sobbing aloud. Jongin ignored him as he took off his pants. Stepping into the bathtub in his boxers and he sat down facing Sehun. Sehun's sobs only got louder, and Jongin raised a hand tentatively, silently asking for permission, when Sehun didn't pull away, he slowly started to caress his head.
"Hey," he whispered tenderly, "it'll be okay." He ran his hand through his strands gently, not getting closer in case he would scare Sehun away. Sehun was trembling, his lower lip quivering uncontrollably. But Jongin just whispered softly, repeatedly, "it's okay"
This only made Sehun cry even more, it wouldn't be okay. He was never going to be okay. He buried his face in his hand, unwilling to let Jongin see him like this. Jongin never pulled his hand away; he silently pulled him forward until his face was buried in his neck, so that he could hug him while he cried.
Sehun didn't know how long they remained like that, he had stopped crying, leading to quiet sniffles. However, he was drained, all these emotions came crashing down. Now he was drowsy, close to falling asleep on Jongin's shoulder.
"Let's get you to bed, yeah?" Jongin asked, voice piercing the silence as he continued to stroke him gently. Sehun nodded.
That night, Jongin had made him sit by the sink, as he cleaned his wound with antiseptic and covered it with a Band-Aid. Sehun jumped when Jongin’s fingertips had grazed over his old wounds, now just scars that were evidence of his past traumas. There was pain and guilt reflected in his eyes and Sehun looked away when the guilt overwhelmed him.
Jongin looked up at him, forcing a smile, but Sehun saw the tears brimming in his eyes. "I'm sorry," Jongin said. His voice soft and eyes shining with unshed tears
Sehun shook his head, how could he tell Jongin that it wasn't his fault. He was the one who was weak, useless and unwanted.
---
The looks Jongin gave him after that night were hard to deal with. His eyes were always questioning, as if silently asking him if he was okay or if he had cut recently. It only led to feelings of guilt and Sehun could not control himself as he cut, Jongin's eyes lingering in his head, pleading him to stop.
Any time he was near Luhan and Minseok Jongin would suddenly be by his side. Smile etched on his face, fingers lingering on his skin. His voice soothing Sehun's fears and worries away. It gave him a clearer mind, he saw things he had never seen before, he paid attention to the love all the members gave him.
Junmyeon always fussed about him, tucking him in at night even though Sehun was of age now. Kyungsoo always made sure he ate enough. Jongdae, Chanyeol and Baekhyun teased him, it was their way of including him, making him a part of them. Lay was less subtle; his kisses and pecks lingering way after he left with a smile. Kris sent him pictures often, with snide remarks that made him roll his eyes but laugh. Luhan and Minseok treated him like a younger brother, doting on him and forgiving him for using banmal. Tao was clingy, asking either to go shopping or to take a shower, Sehun acted like it annoyed him but he enjoyed it. Jongin, Jongin was different, he was there during his worst and accepted him and loved him nevertheless. He was all smiles and gentle words, caring actions and lingering touches. He crawled under Sehun's skin before he could stop him. He filled Sehun's void, molded himself around him like a shield.
These were all things Sehun never paid attention to, all the love that the others showed him. His previous thoughts completely revolving around Luhan. It was a trigger, a simple crush turned obsession. Luhan represented more, represented Sehun's low self-esteem, lack of control, he represented the loneliness.
Sehun cut less but still did, he couldn't stop.
Sehun was startled and jumped when there was a knock at the door. "Sehun, are you okay?" Sehun recognized the voice to be Jongin's, of course it would be.
"Y-yeah," he stuttered, quickly climbing out of the tub, "I'll be out soon."
When he got out a few minutes later, no one was waiting outside. Sehun walked quietly towards him room, hoping that no one paid attention to him seeing as he was unwilling to talk to anyone.
He climbed into bed, and pulled the covers up over himself, covering up until his neck. When the door creaked open, he ignored it, acting asleep so that Junmyeon would leave him alone instead of asking him a hundred questions about his demeanor. He shut his eyes tightly when he heard the footsteps coming straight to his bed. "Can I join you?" Sehun could recognize that voice any day.
Sehun moves towards the wall, leaving enough space for Jongin to lie down behind him. He climbed in, molding his body around Sehun’s. Jongin wrapped his arm around his waist and pulled him back towards his chest as to leave no space between them, burrowing his nose in the crook of his neck and inhaling.
"Did you cut again?" He probed softly, his breath tickling Sehun’s neck. He wriggled a little, the tickling sensation taking over.
"No," Sehun lied.
"Was it because of Luhan again?" He was unrelenting, without skipping a beat.
"No," Sehun said and this time he was saying the truth. It wasn't Luhan that crossed his mind but Jongin’s. It was never about Luhan, Luhan was just the catalyst, and it took long for Sehun to come to that realization.
Sehun turned around, hugging Jongin back, feeling his heart beat loudly in his chest. The feelings Sehun grew for Jongin were special. It wasn't just love, but he felt calm, excited, happy, and anxious all at once while he was with him. He wanted Jongin to smile at him forever, to be the reason for Jongin’s smile. He nuzzled his face into his neck, wanting to feel his heartbeat stronger. He kissed him on his neck and giggled when Jongin wriggled. "I want to stop," Sehun said into his chest. He did not need to explain himself, Jongin understood him better than anyone else.
"Okay," Jongin answered, running his hand over his back gently.
"I don't know how," he added. Most of the time it wasn’t something he did consciously, it was this big urge to inflict pain without any thoughts about consequences.
Jongin lifted his face up, leaving down to kiss him lovingly. Sehun kissed him back, his lips chapped but slick as they moved against his.
"We'll figure it out," Jongin said, "together."
Sehun squeezed him, not knowing how to thank him.
"Let's clean your cut before we sleep, okay?" Jongin said, he leaned down and gave him a peck before pulling back to leave the bed.
Sehun held on, not letting him go far. "I already did," he whispered, knowing exactly what this meant.
Jongin’s smile was evidence enough to show that he understood. He pulled Sehun back towards him, nuzzling his neck, "I love you"
"Me too," Sehun mumbled sleepily, and he meant it. With Jongin he wasn't the second best, he was just himself.
A/N: sekai has a special spot in my heart.
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