Time Out
When you're in pain it's easy to revert to the animalistic state of fight or flight.
For probably weeks now, I have been in the state of pain where I am very angry, and have quickly rendered into arguments.
Today I reached a point in my pain where all of my senses seized up and, and I stopped caring. I could no longer fight, I finally found myself so injured that I knew I would have to give in.
Yesterday I got off of work early. I sucked up the pain that I was in and sucked down half a bottle of vodka...then I called Scott and we went to June and Michael's wedding.
No more than an hour after arriving I was a walking corpse. Like after the Pirate Rampage and on wednesday night just before Flipside out at Pyropolis, I drank so much that when I woke up this morning, I didn't remember anything that I had done.
I have a very serious drinking problem, which I spent the day analyzing.
This is the third time this year that this has happened... I don't get sick drunk, I get blackout drunk. And apparently...becuase I wouldn't know if it wasn't for my friends telling me, I get very fucking friendly with people. Normally that wouldn't bother me, because really, I like my friends and don't mind getting stupid and friendly with them...but it could be worse. I could someday get raped because of this...Ohh no wait, that happened before a couple of years ago, right...
So why have I been drinking so hard this year? I don't feel like an alcoholic. There's beer in my fridge that's been there for a couple of months. I sometimes pop open some wine and enjoy a glass, and then forget the rest. I don't drink every day. I certainly don't wake up and drink, nor do I drink and drive or drink and work. I'm not like the alcoholics I know.
My particular case is different. I get to these points in life where my headspace has been fucked, and so I tell myself that I need to drink and lot to get rid of the way I feel.
Alcohol is a drug, and drugs can be life changing.
So after thinking about it every seriously today, I know that I've figured out what triggered my heavy drinking yesterday. I told myself that drinking would help numb my physical pain...which it did, but...I allowed myself to believe that drinking to rid myself of the pain was a good idea.
So like I said, I get into these headspaces and convince myself that really fucking heavy drinking is alright. It only happens around time of severe built up stress. Example, at Flipside on the first night, I felt that I could finally take a release from the weeks of work that I'd been pouring into the event and people involved in it. I drank myself stupid and made out with that hot boy I met that day...my current boyfriend Scott; but goddamn it if I could have remembered making out with him...
This time, it wasn't just the physical pain, but for the last few weeks my attitude has been shit. I've REALLY missed my social life, Scott and I were having stupid problems trying to communicate and get to know eachother, which was made pretty impossible due to my distance with work, the physical pain I've been in keeping us more distant physically, and my animalistic fight mode always kicking in because of this goddamn pain.
Life's just been a trainwreck lately. I've been mad at myself for letting it be, and have wondered how Scott's stayed with me through all of it. I keep telling him that he could do better. Find some chick who doesn't have all these responsibilities, who isn't in a bitching amount of pain and has plenty of time to dote on him. You know, someone who feels capable of enjoying their life.
Instead this crazy boy not only chooses my sorry sore ass, he has the nerve to actually give me rides to work, make sure I'm eating, listen to me bitch about life and pain, and he even fucking memorizes my little quirks and has been getting really damn good at communicating with me when I'm in a bad state. He pointed out today that we haven't argued in like a week, that we've finally learned how not to accidentally offend eachother over nothing.
I think Scott's some magickal creature. I mean, how else could he patiently problem solve his way into being my friend when I've pretty blatantly been pushing him away out of self doubt, fear, and trying to protect him from the horrors of being my boyfriend.
Curses! It's always worked before... You know, I'm beginning to actually believe that this whole relationship thing might actually work for once. Scott's actually patient and stubborn enough to be my boyfriend...what's more, my best friend. I've been in hell lately, and he's still here for me. As often as I've asked myself how anyone could possibly be so nice and actually not expect anything in return, I really don't understand the boy...but I sure like him :)