(no subject)
I’ll be the first person to admit that I have rough moments on this diet. I’ve had a life time of emotional eating and very good training at justifying doing want I want to do instead of what I really should do. So I’ve had days when I ate like total crap because I was stressed or somehow too emotional to make myself care about anything and honestly I know I’ll have this struggle for a long time if not, the rest of my life. That being said, I’m also learning that other people have a tendency to treat people on a diet like complete shit. I’ve been battling this with people since I started the program in April. I get offered something not on my plan and politely decline explaining that I’m on a plan and it usually leads to questions. So I explain it with enthusiasm because I feel like I’ve finally found the aid I need to help myself and even with my setbacks I’ve made some amazing progress. It seems there are two main types of people, those who understand how hard weight loss is and give me a few words of encouragement and go on their way and those who somehow take my wanting to take better care of myself as a personal attack. I have had everything from questions trying to cut apart every inch of my diet to comments like “oh that’s going to be impossible for you!” to looks of contempt and the one that honestly pisses me off the most, the people who think they have the right to tell me it’s okay to cheat. After I’ve explained that I struggle with emotional eating and losing the 40 pounds I’m at so far, having someone basically wave it off to exclaim, “Oh you can have one cookie and it won’t hurt anything!” feels like an implied “fuck you” being spat into my face.
For a long time I’ve rationalized that I should learn to accept this happening because I’m one grain of sand in a big world and can’t really expect anyone to care about my feelings. But you know what. Fuck that. I do have the right to have my feelings respected, especially by the people I have to interact with daily. Some of my co-workers are my biggest adversaries in this and my boss is actually the absolute worst. My boss is probably 2 or 3 inches shorter than I am and I’m short. I would guess she weights somewhere around what I currently weight so she’s plump but not really big. She’s one of those people who drinks a crap tone of diet soda and eats high sodium diet meals late in the day for lunch and doesn’t understand why she stays at the same size. From the moment I mentioned in conversation I was starting a weight loss program she has treated me differently. Looks and sarcastic comments I could ignore at first but then it turned into deciding that days when I branch is given free lunch by the CU will be pizza or pasta and “Oh well, Lauren can’t have it I guess but we can.” To giving me a hard time when I won’t try sweets brought in by her or other co-workers.
Currently I’m on what can only be described as a cleanse from hell. I had a week of a clot of grapefruit, meal and lettuce and now two days of red meat and lettuce to try and shock my system back into wanting to burn fat. It’s been CRAZY HARD GUYS and honestly I have no idea how someone does Atkins for very long because just a week of this made me mean and depressed and I’m ready to shove my face in the donut case at the grocery store and just go to town. I’ve made jokes about it here and there when one of my co-workers asks me about it. They see my lunches and usually ask questions and I don’t mind because other than Donna, they don’t get shitty about it. Donna however, got angry with me earlier in the week because we’re due a branch lunch and she wanted pizza yet again. “You guys can go ahead but I have my cleanse thingy so I have to eat my packed lunch.” I try not to care what other people eat around me anymore because we live in a world of junk food so I know I have to get over it. Then I got eye cut at me and a sigh, “You’re always on some funky diet.” And the rest of the week has been spent shoving sweets in my face beckoning me to try a bite. “No thank you, I’m on my cleanse still.” Then I get a mocking sad face “I know…” …………. THEN WHAT THE HELL LADY?!
I’m honestly nearing the end of my patience and willing to be understanding. Yes I know from working under this woman and other things she’s done to me and my co-workers that she’s incredibly insecure and usually has to snip and nitpick at her employees to keep herself feeling superior, so the logical side of my brain can understand that watching someone work at losing weight and seeing some results can cause a mix of feelings and maybe somehow she’s gotten down on herself, I don’t know. That said, I also know that while I may talk about what I’m doing or tease a couple people who I know can take a joke about eating junk in front of me, on a whole I really try not to even appear on a high horse about what I’m doing. I’m doing this to save my life, it’s as simple as that. I have no beliefs that this in any shape of form makes me better than anyone else. I’m more than happy to share information about it and my experiences if someone asks but I don’t suggest anyone join or in general act like a dick about it. At least, I sincerely hope I don’t. Because honestly those kinds of assholes are as bad as the ones who try to sabotage someone else’s diet. So why I’m getting this treatment at work, I really don’t get. Part of me wishes I could trust her superiors to do something so I could talk to them. Because I know if I say anything to her I’ll get attacked and accused of having an attitude problem myself. So for now I’m left trying to figure out what to do and hoping I can figure out an avenue to a new job because this just makes one more reason I really don’t want to be at this CU anymore.
On the diet side of things I had to add ten weeks to my program because I threw myself that far off track. I was down on myself for several days about it but then did the math and honestly part of me wonders if it isn’t better this way because now my plan is to reach my goal weight by the last week in December. I was originally terrified of the holidays because that is like THE time of year to eat, right? So now I feel like I might have the help I need to fully make it through and how amazing would it be to reach goal weight for New Years and start 2014 that way? It’s going to be a long road I know. I’ve finally lost all the weight I gained here so now I’m inter weight I’ve carried for years and somehow it seems a little trickier to shed. I’m trying to learn how to be nicer to myself about it though while also giving myself a kick in the rear because as much as I want to revert to asking others to help I know I have to do this for myself.
For a long time I’ve rationalized that I should learn to accept this happening because I’m one grain of sand in a big world and can’t really expect anyone to care about my feelings. But you know what. Fuck that. I do have the right to have my feelings respected, especially by the people I have to interact with daily. Some of my co-workers are my biggest adversaries in this and my boss is actually the absolute worst. My boss is probably 2 or 3 inches shorter than I am and I’m short. I would guess she weights somewhere around what I currently weight so she’s plump but not really big. She’s one of those people who drinks a crap tone of diet soda and eats high sodium diet meals late in the day for lunch and doesn’t understand why she stays at the same size. From the moment I mentioned in conversation I was starting a weight loss program she has treated me differently. Looks and sarcastic comments I could ignore at first but then it turned into deciding that days when I branch is given free lunch by the CU will be pizza or pasta and “Oh well, Lauren can’t have it I guess but we can.” To giving me a hard time when I won’t try sweets brought in by her or other co-workers.
Currently I’m on what can only be described as a cleanse from hell. I had a week of a clot of grapefruit, meal and lettuce and now two days of red meat and lettuce to try and shock my system back into wanting to burn fat. It’s been CRAZY HARD GUYS and honestly I have no idea how someone does Atkins for very long because just a week of this made me mean and depressed and I’m ready to shove my face in the donut case at the grocery store and just go to town. I’ve made jokes about it here and there when one of my co-workers asks me about it. They see my lunches and usually ask questions and I don’t mind because other than Donna, they don’t get shitty about it. Donna however, got angry with me earlier in the week because we’re due a branch lunch and she wanted pizza yet again. “You guys can go ahead but I have my cleanse thingy so I have to eat my packed lunch.” I try not to care what other people eat around me anymore because we live in a world of junk food so I know I have to get over it. Then I got eye cut at me and a sigh, “You’re always on some funky diet.” And the rest of the week has been spent shoving sweets in my face beckoning me to try a bite. “No thank you, I’m on my cleanse still.” Then I get a mocking sad face “I know…” …………. THEN WHAT THE HELL LADY?!
I’m honestly nearing the end of my patience and willing to be understanding. Yes I know from working under this woman and other things she’s done to me and my co-workers that she’s incredibly insecure and usually has to snip and nitpick at her employees to keep herself feeling superior, so the logical side of my brain can understand that watching someone work at losing weight and seeing some results can cause a mix of feelings and maybe somehow she’s gotten down on herself, I don’t know. That said, I also know that while I may talk about what I’m doing or tease a couple people who I know can take a joke about eating junk in front of me, on a whole I really try not to even appear on a high horse about what I’m doing. I’m doing this to save my life, it’s as simple as that. I have no beliefs that this in any shape of form makes me better than anyone else. I’m more than happy to share information about it and my experiences if someone asks but I don’t suggest anyone join or in general act like a dick about it. At least, I sincerely hope I don’t. Because honestly those kinds of assholes are as bad as the ones who try to sabotage someone else’s diet. So why I’m getting this treatment at work, I really don’t get. Part of me wishes I could trust her superiors to do something so I could talk to them. Because I know if I say anything to her I’ll get attacked and accused of having an attitude problem myself. So for now I’m left trying to figure out what to do and hoping I can figure out an avenue to a new job because this just makes one more reason I really don’t want to be at this CU anymore.
On the diet side of things I had to add ten weeks to my program because I threw myself that far off track. I was down on myself for several days about it but then did the math and honestly part of me wonders if it isn’t better this way because now my plan is to reach my goal weight by the last week in December. I was originally terrified of the holidays because that is like THE time of year to eat, right? So now I feel like I might have the help I need to fully make it through and how amazing would it be to reach goal weight for New Years and start 2014 that way? It’s going to be a long road I know. I’ve finally lost all the weight I gained here so now I’m inter weight I’ve carried for years and somehow it seems a little trickier to shed. I’m trying to learn how to be nicer to myself about it though while also giving myself a kick in the rear because as much as I want to revert to asking others to help I know I have to do this for myself.