Here I go again...
...on my own. Going down the only road I've ever known!
Okay, sorry for the completely unnecessary Whitesnake reference. And it's really not the only road I've ever known. It's actually a road I've only traveled three times in my life, two of those times this year. Fortunately, the drive seems to be getting quicker and easier, even if it's still nearly two hundred miles and four hours long.
I'm moving. This Friday. THIS Friday. To Eureka. Mom and I went up there today (and back!) to look at an upstairs studio in a Victorian that I was (FINALLY) approved for. And, well, I kinda loved it. Decent sized main room, big enough for all of my shit plus two closets, one of which is essentially a walk-in, with a claw-foot tub and pedestal sink in the bathroom and absolutely no counter space in the kitchen! Seriously, I don't know if this place has been updated much, save paint, electricity, and carpet, since probably the Fifties.
But it's very cute, close enough to the bus lines that I won't have a problem walking, close enough to downtown to take walks down there (I think), not to mention I'll be back on the coast with the redwoods nearby. And I knew this very likely might happen, because I need to get up there so I can settle in, get a job, and get used to being so far away from the nest for the first time in my life. After the last few years of my life, that's terrifying.
I had a fucking breakdown, no better way to put it. I was catatonic for days at a time, or pretty close to that without actually being in a hospital, which was something I almost begged for so many times. I've never lived further than sixty-ish miles away from my parents, and now I'll be far enough away that it'll be months between visits, and then probably only for holidays and important birthdays, like my nephew's first next April. NEXT April. I don't think in the five years I lived in Santa Rosa I went longer than a month without seeing my parents, and that's pushing it.
I've never even really be completely independent of them in my life. I'm 36, and I've always been at least a little subsidized by my parents. Perhaps only in helping me meet ends in particularly tight months, but still, I've never felt truly independent. And much of the last three years? I've been completely, 100% supported by them. They payed off my car loan. They've helped me pay down my credit card debt, which for someone in her thirties isn't outrageous, thank goodness. They've payed ALL of my bills, and the only one I don't feel completely awful about is my truck insurance, and that's only because I willingly handed the keys over to my aunt for the last year and a half (I would give the car to her if I didn't need, though). They've payed for therapy, meds, food, they've payed for fucking WEED when I couldn't sleep or was having nearly daily anxiety attacks.
And let us not forget that they just laid down over a fucking grand for my first month's and deposit, not to mention everything else we've talked about them buying for me to get me set for at least the first couple of weeks until I (hopefully) find a job, for which I actually have an interview NEXT Monday. Seriously, when did this become my life??
I could go on and on, and I think I was going to, but now? After writing out everything my parents have done for me over the last three years, and really over my entire life, I think I'm just going to finish my beer, hopefully pass out because I'm exhausted and have a shit load of stuff to do in the next couple of days. But how did I get so lucky to have the parents I have? How did I get the lucky roll of the dice that brought me into the lives of these two people, who would do so much, include tighten their own belts, to help both of their kids to the extent they have? How did my brother and I get basically blessed with these two people who never even second-guessed what they were doing for us?
All I can do is shake my head tipsily (I've had a few :), and not let them nor myself down this time around. Because I think I'm ready for this, I know I'm ready for this. I'm scared to fucking death, but I'm ready. It's going to be interesting, and I'm definitely not cutting the cord completely quite yet. But I really think this may be the beginning of my real adulthood.
Please, let this be the beginning of my real adulthood.
ETA, I'm pretty sure I used the wrong tense of the word pay, but I really don't care and can't be bothered to fix it :) But if anyone reads this, feel free to tell me!
This entry was originally posted at http://harempriestess.dreamwidth.org/25538.html. Comment on either site.
Okay, sorry for the completely unnecessary Whitesnake reference. And it's really not the only road I've ever known. It's actually a road I've only traveled three times in my life, two of those times this year. Fortunately, the drive seems to be getting quicker and easier, even if it's still nearly two hundred miles and four hours long.
I'm moving. This Friday. THIS Friday. To Eureka. Mom and I went up there today (and back!) to look at an upstairs studio in a Victorian that I was (FINALLY) approved for. And, well, I kinda loved it. Decent sized main room, big enough for all of my shit plus two closets, one of which is essentially a walk-in, with a claw-foot tub and pedestal sink in the bathroom and absolutely no counter space in the kitchen! Seriously, I don't know if this place has been updated much, save paint, electricity, and carpet, since probably the Fifties.
But it's very cute, close enough to the bus lines that I won't have a problem walking, close enough to downtown to take walks down there (I think), not to mention I'll be back on the coast with the redwoods nearby. And I knew this very likely might happen, because I need to get up there so I can settle in, get a job, and get used to being so far away from the nest for the first time in my life. After the last few years of my life, that's terrifying.
I had a fucking breakdown, no better way to put it. I was catatonic for days at a time, or pretty close to that without actually being in a hospital, which was something I almost begged for so many times. I've never lived further than sixty-ish miles away from my parents, and now I'll be far enough away that it'll be months between visits, and then probably only for holidays and important birthdays, like my nephew's first next April. NEXT April. I don't think in the five years I lived in Santa Rosa I went longer than a month without seeing my parents, and that's pushing it.
I've never even really be completely independent of them in my life. I'm 36, and I've always been at least a little subsidized by my parents. Perhaps only in helping me meet ends in particularly tight months, but still, I've never felt truly independent. And much of the last three years? I've been completely, 100% supported by them. They payed off my car loan. They've helped me pay down my credit card debt, which for someone in her thirties isn't outrageous, thank goodness. They've payed ALL of my bills, and the only one I don't feel completely awful about is my truck insurance, and that's only because I willingly handed the keys over to my aunt for the last year and a half (I would give the car to her if I didn't need, though). They've payed for therapy, meds, food, they've payed for fucking WEED when I couldn't sleep or was having nearly daily anxiety attacks.
And let us not forget that they just laid down over a fucking grand for my first month's and deposit, not to mention everything else we've talked about them buying for me to get me set for at least the first couple of weeks until I (hopefully) find a job, for which I actually have an interview NEXT Monday. Seriously, when did this become my life??
I could go on and on, and I think I was going to, but now? After writing out everything my parents have done for me over the last three years, and really over my entire life, I think I'm just going to finish my beer, hopefully pass out because I'm exhausted and have a shit load of stuff to do in the next couple of days. But how did I get so lucky to have the parents I have? How did I get the lucky roll of the dice that brought me into the lives of these two people, who would do so much, include tighten their own belts, to help both of their kids to the extent they have? How did my brother and I get basically blessed with these two people who never even second-guessed what they were doing for us?
All I can do is shake my head tipsily (I've had a few :), and not let them nor myself down this time around. Because I think I'm ready for this, I know I'm ready for this. I'm scared to fucking death, but I'm ready. It's going to be interesting, and I'm definitely not cutting the cord completely quite yet. But I really think this may be the beginning of my real adulthood.
Please, let this be the beginning of my real adulthood.
ETA, I'm pretty sure I used the wrong tense of the word pay, but I really don't care and can't be bothered to fix it :) But if anyone reads this, feel free to tell me!
This entry was originally posted at http://harempriestess.dreamwidth.org/25538.html. Comment on either site.