So, I kind of suck
I had written a big ol' post kind of updating my life, what's been going on, what's soon to happen, blah blah blah. But then I kind of flaked. So real quick summary :)
1. First off, I'm an aunt again!! Baby Brody was born at 4:01 am on Saturday, April 28. He was either 8.5lbs, or 8lbs, 5oz; we need to double check that! His mommy was in labor about 18 hours, but there were no complications and the drugs were apparently good to at least get her through most of the evening and into late night. He's doing great, and he should be meeting his big sister Farrah tomorrow.
2. I'm hopefully moving soon to where I'll be returning to college next August. Most of the leases are up in May/June, and I decided I want out of my parents house sooner than later, and it will probably be easier in end if I do it sooner anyway. So the plan is to be up there within the next month. I have applications in with a couple of management companies, and now I need to start doing that for work so I have something to do for the three or so months before school that I can hopefully keep once it starts but at minimal hours.
3. I have spent much of the last month going through my crap. I have a lot of crap. I'm getting rid of a lot of crap, but also separating the crap between what's staying at the 'rents and what's going with me. About half of my books are going with me, most of my clothes, some little things I always have to have with me, some stuffed animals, and various other things. I'll need some furniture, but I have to figure out where I'm living before I make any purchases. I'm hoping for a studio in a complex near campus, but I'm also looking downtown in Eureka where I'd have a one bedroom apartment. I just want to find out so I can get out of this limbo space I've been in for a couple of weeks!
4. Still going to therapy weekly. I was beginning to think I may be able to cut back to twice a month instead of ever week, but after the last couple of sessions I realize I'm not quite there yet. Which will of course be interesting once I move. But my therapist and I have discussed phone appointments and possibly even Skyping. I want to at some point cut back to twice a month, and maybe even find a therapist closer to me, but for the foreseeable future, I'm sticking with her. She's good. Really good. She's gotten me to see all of the fucked up kinks in my thinking, the guilt I carry around, the ridiculous things I've convinced myself of when it comes to those in my life and my overall ability to live a semi-normal life. She gets me thinking, makes me think, and while I kind of hate it for obvious reasons, I love it because I do feel more normal than I think I've ever been. It gives me hope for my future.
5. Not really a part of this, but I've also almost ripped every CD I own, that I've collected over the last 25 or so years. Somewhere around 600. I feel sorry for my optical drive; it's been working overtime!
Now that that is done, I'm here to share my intentions, in hopes of perhaps getting a few ideas or different ways of going about this, or simply just a "Go Girl!" from some of you :)
I decided about two weeks ago that I was going to write everyday for the next year or so of my life. A minimum of fifteen days everyday. It can be simply a summary of my day, or a fic idea, or an original fic idea, comment on a political matter, a reaction to a song, an event I experienced either in the past or that day, what I want out of life, what I want for dinner. Anything, really, just as long as I write every day.
Which, unfortunately, I've flaked on the last few days what with baby and feeling so in limbo and so just wanting to get on with my life. But I want to write, I need to write. It helps clear the haze in my head, helps me straighten the clutter. And it sometimes gives me insight into what I'm really thinking and feeling.
But I also just love it, and miss doing it more. I want to get back to writing fic, to being more conscious of what I'm doing in my daily life, and want to share, if only with my computer or journal, what's going on. I think the next year of my life is going to be interesting. I'm going to be living further away from my parents and family than I ever have. I won't be able to make weekend trips home very often being 200 miles away and gas hovering around $4/gallon lately. I'll be a full-time college student for the first time since 1999, instead of a retail worker taking a few classes when I can fit them in my schedule. I'm in my mid-thirties, and am going to be surrounded by a lot of people a lot younger than I am, the youngest of which are the same age as some of my friends kids (though only those that had kids right out of high school, but still).
I'll be doing long-distance therapy, returning to a student mindset that I've been out of for so long that it's decidedly different than it was when I was a student. I'll be living alone when I know how that is sometimes not a very good thing for me but is right now something I need to do. Hell, I won't have television because I'm giving up cable to save money, unless I get the studio place that'll be cheap and I can possibly afford it.
And if I start falling behind, I either have to catch up or fall a lot farther than I have in the past, and I don't want that to happen. And I think writing will help with that.
I'm going to try and be really free with this. I need to do it everyday, for a minimum of 15 minutes. If I need a little help, I'm going to read a chapter in one of Natalie Goldberg's books, two of which I have but I really want to get one more of. I'm going to allow myself to just ramble if necessary just to make sure I actually WRITE something. I'm going to try as hard as I can to make this a habit like brushing my teeth, which is actually a habit I'm still trying to force myself to get back into (depression makes things like brushing your teeth the least important thing in the world, and I'm still fighting with myself to remember to do it).
I know I have written down somewhere more of my "guidelines", but it's about time for me to go to bed. But if anyone has any advice, or just feels like giving me a half-hearted cheer, I would appreciate it. I'll mostly be doing this in Google Docs or Word, on paper, and in my private journal that no one really gets to look at. But most of it will likely be on the computer. I'm trying not to limit myself too much so I don't feel pressure, something I'm not good with but something I tend to put myself under too much of.
Well, that's that. I'm hoping this whole project will help me also finish a few fics I've been working on for awhile, a couple I really want to finish but am having a very hard time doing anything on because I get this giant block that just won't permit me to do anything much at all, let alone write fic from the perspective of some of my favorite characters ever. That's something else I might ramble on about on here at some point, just so I write SOMETHING :)
If you've read all of this, thank you just for that. I'm sending you virtual hugs as you read this (can you feel them?)
But now that THAT CD just got kicked out of my drive and I'm one more closer to being done with the big Rip All My CDs Project of 2012 for the night, I must away and do some reading so I can sleep.
This entry was originally posted at http://harempriestess.dreamwidth.org/25325.html. Comment on either site.
1. First off, I'm an aunt again!! Baby Brody was born at 4:01 am on Saturday, April 28. He was either 8.5lbs, or 8lbs, 5oz; we need to double check that! His mommy was in labor about 18 hours, but there were no complications and the drugs were apparently good to at least get her through most of the evening and into late night. He's doing great, and he should be meeting his big sister Farrah tomorrow.
2. I'm hopefully moving soon to where I'll be returning to college next August. Most of the leases are up in May/June, and I decided I want out of my parents house sooner than later, and it will probably be easier in end if I do it sooner anyway. So the plan is to be up there within the next month. I have applications in with a couple of management companies, and now I need to start doing that for work so I have something to do for the three or so months before school that I can hopefully keep once it starts but at minimal hours.
3. I have spent much of the last month going through my crap. I have a lot of crap. I'm getting rid of a lot of crap, but also separating the crap between what's staying at the 'rents and what's going with me. About half of my books are going with me, most of my clothes, some little things I always have to have with me, some stuffed animals, and various other things. I'll need some furniture, but I have to figure out where I'm living before I make any purchases. I'm hoping for a studio in a complex near campus, but I'm also looking downtown in Eureka where I'd have a one bedroom apartment. I just want to find out so I can get out of this limbo space I've been in for a couple of weeks!
4. Still going to therapy weekly. I was beginning to think I may be able to cut back to twice a month instead of ever week, but after the last couple of sessions I realize I'm not quite there yet. Which will of course be interesting once I move. But my therapist and I have discussed phone appointments and possibly even Skyping. I want to at some point cut back to twice a month, and maybe even find a therapist closer to me, but for the foreseeable future, I'm sticking with her. She's good. Really good. She's gotten me to see all of the fucked up kinks in my thinking, the guilt I carry around, the ridiculous things I've convinced myself of when it comes to those in my life and my overall ability to live a semi-normal life. She gets me thinking, makes me think, and while I kind of hate it for obvious reasons, I love it because I do feel more normal than I think I've ever been. It gives me hope for my future.
5. Not really a part of this, but I've also almost ripped every CD I own, that I've collected over the last 25 or so years. Somewhere around 600. I feel sorry for my optical drive; it's been working overtime!
Now that that is done, I'm here to share my intentions, in hopes of perhaps getting a few ideas or different ways of going about this, or simply just a "Go Girl!" from some of you :)
I decided about two weeks ago that I was going to write everyday for the next year or so of my life. A minimum of fifteen days everyday. It can be simply a summary of my day, or a fic idea, or an original fic idea, comment on a political matter, a reaction to a song, an event I experienced either in the past or that day, what I want out of life, what I want for dinner. Anything, really, just as long as I write every day.
Which, unfortunately, I've flaked on the last few days what with baby and feeling so in limbo and so just wanting to get on with my life. But I want to write, I need to write. It helps clear the haze in my head, helps me straighten the clutter. And it sometimes gives me insight into what I'm really thinking and feeling.
But I also just love it, and miss doing it more. I want to get back to writing fic, to being more conscious of what I'm doing in my daily life, and want to share, if only with my computer or journal, what's going on. I think the next year of my life is going to be interesting. I'm going to be living further away from my parents and family than I ever have. I won't be able to make weekend trips home very often being 200 miles away and gas hovering around $4/gallon lately. I'll be a full-time college student for the first time since 1999, instead of a retail worker taking a few classes when I can fit them in my schedule. I'm in my mid-thirties, and am going to be surrounded by a lot of people a lot younger than I am, the youngest of which are the same age as some of my friends kids (though only those that had kids right out of high school, but still).
I'll be doing long-distance therapy, returning to a student mindset that I've been out of for so long that it's decidedly different than it was when I was a student. I'll be living alone when I know how that is sometimes not a very good thing for me but is right now something I need to do. Hell, I won't have television because I'm giving up cable to save money, unless I get the studio place that'll be cheap and I can possibly afford it.
And if I start falling behind, I either have to catch up or fall a lot farther than I have in the past, and I don't want that to happen. And I think writing will help with that.
I'm going to try and be really free with this. I need to do it everyday, for a minimum of 15 minutes. If I need a little help, I'm going to read a chapter in one of Natalie Goldberg's books, two of which I have but I really want to get one more of. I'm going to allow myself to just ramble if necessary just to make sure I actually WRITE something. I'm going to try as hard as I can to make this a habit like brushing my teeth, which is actually a habit I'm still trying to force myself to get back into (depression makes things like brushing your teeth the least important thing in the world, and I'm still fighting with myself to remember to do it).
I know I have written down somewhere more of my "guidelines", but it's about time for me to go to bed. But if anyone has any advice, or just feels like giving me a half-hearted cheer, I would appreciate it. I'll mostly be doing this in Google Docs or Word, on paper, and in my private journal that no one really gets to look at. But most of it will likely be on the computer. I'm trying not to limit myself too much so I don't feel pressure, something I'm not good with but something I tend to put myself under too much of.
Well, that's that. I'm hoping this whole project will help me also finish a few fics I've been working on for awhile, a couple I really want to finish but am having a very hard time doing anything on because I get this giant block that just won't permit me to do anything much at all, let alone write fic from the perspective of some of my favorite characters ever. That's something else I might ramble on about on here at some point, just so I write SOMETHING :)
If you've read all of this, thank you just for that. I'm sending you virtual hugs as you read this (can you feel them?)
But now that THAT CD just got kicked out of my drive and I'm one more closer to being done with the big Rip All My CDs Project of 2012 for the night, I must away and do some reading so I can sleep.
This entry was originally posted at http://harempriestess.dreamwidth.org/25325.html. Comment on either site.