"Trans-Atlantic Love Affair"
Wow.
There is a lot on my mind right now. I know I haven't updated in a long time; I've been busy with work and school and everything. I have this feeling right now, I have no idea how to describe it. I guess anxiety would be the best word. I'm just thinking about having to grow up, get married, have kids, all of that... And comparing what I want to what I have. What I want is a life where nobody in my family will ever have to know the feeling of want. Right now, I am barely pulling 40 hours a week at a fucking clothes store. The easiest job in the world, and I am going to end up fucking it up just like I have everything in the past few months.
And just like I do every relationship I am ever in. I am so tired of fucking up every good thing that I have. I'm happy that I know the difference between a good thing and a thing that is nice because it is comfotrable, but... I want a good thing. I know that I am a lucky person for the things I do have, and I know that there will always be someone luckier, prettier, smarter, more successful than myself... I just want to be better than someone else for once. At home, my parents constantly tell me how badly I fucked up, and how I don't do anything right... I thought that at work I was doing well, only to find out that "someone" (I know damn well who it was and no, I'm not going to let it go) has been bitching that I am a slacker and I don't do as much work as her or anyone else, and because our supervisor wants to fuck her, he listens to what her ditzy ass says, when I was the one training her. I am so tired of people I think can I trust selling me out.
I trust too easily... I give everyone an equal chance, and if you fuck me over, then you lose my trust. Believe me, whether some people know it or not, I know what they're saying to others behind my back. I'm not an idiot, and people talk. If you're going to talk about me, don't do it to my friends, assholes. I'll find out, and they aren't going to tell you that they sold you out, because they don't like you either.
This is so fucking high-school. I'm done with that. I'm not there anymore, I don't need to deal with it.
People who are my "friends" never talk to me, they just assume that we have "grown apart". Maybe they are right. Maybe I am wrong for trying to believe that you can maintain an honest friendship with someone even after something bad happens. What am I doing wrong that I end up with these people?
I'm excluded from anything. I cannot think of one thing that I do, where I am an accepted "member", be it corps, work, my FAMILY, or my friend base. I'm tired of this shit. I work my ass off to make sure that people don't have a hard time liking me, well FUCK IT. If I'm that undesirable, then I'm not going to put effort into a pretend relationship so that you can fake liking me while alienating me all the while.
And as far as something else goes, I'm not sure I fully understand how you can be in love with someone you've never seen. Maybe I am too cynical, and maybe I will ruin things by saying this, but... What if I'm not what you're imagining? Because I can tell you right now- I'm pretty sure I'm not. You've created this goddess-like image in your mind, and you're going to be sorely disappointed when you discover that I'm not the perfection you seek. I want you to fall for me, but not because you think that I'm "beautiful". THINK. Right now, I am nothing more than a figment of your imagination. You've never heard my voice, never seen me in person, you don't know anything about me. Do you know... really know what color my eyes are? Yeah? Well, what color are they are after I cry? What gives me chills? What makes me smile? What M&M's are my favorite? Do you know what I'm afraid of?
You should know the answer to the last one; you're part of it. I'm tired of being rejected time after time. I'm scared that it will happen again. No, I'm not scared... I'm positive that in time, you will move on to better and more gorgeous endeavours. And I can't blame you, because you deserve that. I don't know why I can't just shut up and enjoy this, because I know that you aren't taking it nearly as seriously as I am... I want to play your game. I want to listen to you tell me lies, tell me how beautiful I am, tell me what we'll do when I see you...
But I can't. I can't.
And I'm sorry.
I want so badly to believe that "There is truth, that love is real"
S\/2