Levels of surety
When asked a yes or no question, there different levels of surety in the answers given.
This is how I use the terms--if I'm not sure how your answer fits into the system, I'll ask for clarification. :)
Let's say the question is:
Do you want to go get Mexican for lunch?
From the top!
1. Yes/No/No preference
Ex: Yes, that sounds great! Mmmmmsalsa
No, thanks, I'd rather eat something here.
I'm not really hungry, but we can go wherever you want.
There's no ambiguity! A decision is made; further action can be taken! YAY
*An important note about no preference*
"No preference" means you're actually fine with arbitrarily picking one of the choices.
I will often poke a "no preference" to make sure it's not actually an "I don't know" or a "toaster" because people are imprecise about it. I don't mind people poking mine, but I usually try to be careful in what I mean.
2. Maybe, it depends.
Ex: Maybe? I want to, but I have to finish this project, and I have work at 2, so only if I'm done by 12.
Maybe means there's a conditional that you don't know the answer to yet, and ideally you should specify what the conditions are. This is less sure than a definite answer, but still pretty concrete.
(It's possible that I use this definition of maybe to justify my facebook RSVP-ing habits. Maybe almost always means "yes-ish, if I have the energy and don't have something else I'd rather do come up.")
3. I don't know
Ex: Dunno? I'm kinda hungry, but I'm trying not to spend money and I had a burrito for dinner, but I realllly like their soup so...dunno.
"I don't know" means you don't have an answer to the question and don't know what it'll take to make a decison
(If I'm feeling too anxious to make a decision and don't want to pick, I feel like that's definitely an "I don't know, you pick," rather than "I don't have a preference, you pick." The latter implies that I know either is fine with me...the former means that I can't deal with choosing either.)
I feel like the best way to handle receiving either a "maybe" or an "I don't know" is to say "Okay, if I don't hear from you by X time, I'm going to do this" ("this" usually is the action you would take if the answer was a no.)
So, in our example: "Okay, well, once you decide, let me know? I'd rather eat lunch with you, but if I don't hear from you by 12, I'll probably just get something to-go."
At this point, I find people's reactions amusingly mixed. Some people have clearly felt more was needed to explain things, and some people as I proceed to the next level have reacted with a shocked "Wait, there's more?"
Oh yes. There's more.
4. Toaster
Ex: ...toaster?
Toaster means that for whatever reason, you just cannot engage with the question. You don't know the answer. You don't know *if* you know the answer. You don't know if there is an answer. AUUUGGHHHH QUESTIONS WHAT.
(Credit to Kylei for coming up with the best way ever to answer a yes or no question when you can't.
"I can't think about that right now" means the same thing, but at least for me is way harder to get out in most circumstances. Also, "I'll get back to you about that" is business-speak for "toaster,"--effectively the same, but less honest and open.)
For a question this simple, I'd probably only say toaster if I was in the middle of something else that was stressing me out and that I had to engage with (doing taxes?), but it comes up fairly often when either the question or life feels unbearably overwhelming.
If someone says toaster it is definitely not helpful to give them a deadline, (extra stress auuggghhhh) but I think it does help to let them know what you're going to do without their input.
Ex: Okay, I'll just figure out lunch on my own. *hugs*
If you absolutely cannot proceed without a decision from the person, do let them know how long you can wait.
And finally:
5. Twaddle
Ex: Well, I've been on a special diet, so I have to be really careful about what I eat.
It sounds...almost like an answer. They're sort of talking about the same thing you asked a question about. But not only does it not give you any actual indication of yes, no, or how sure the person is, the person isn't even engaging with the fact that that they're not engaging with the question.
(Meta-note: I'm finding myself really self-conscious about this last example. I'm in no way saying that being on a special diet is twaddle, just that the statement as stands without further qualification or detail is a twaddle answer to a yes-no question about Mexican today.)
This, again, is more likely to come up in more emotionally charged conversations. I feel like the best way to handle it is to point out as gently as possible that they're not actually answering the question, while acknowledging what they did say.
Ex: Okay, what kind of foods are okay for you? Is there anything at the Mexican place we like that would work, or should we do something else about lunch?
I'd like to be able to just say "Nope, that was twaddle" and have people apologize and answer the actual question, but that would probably not be kind or effective.
Just satisfying. *sigh*
Part of the reason that I'm so excited about having the option of "toaster" is that I feel that people twaddle because they're not up to thinking about the question--but most people don't have the tools to recognize when that's true. Moreover, in general there is a social stigma about saying "no" or "I don't know," let alone "toaster." It's seen as disappointing people, or being weak, which is ridiculous and obnoxious. If people lie or twaddle instead of giving an open, honest answer, you just have a bunch of people very few of whom end up actually understanding each other or getting what they want. (See Exhibit C: any sitcom ever)
This is how I use the terms--if I'm not sure how your answer fits into the system, I'll ask for clarification. :)
Let's say the question is:
Do you want to go get Mexican for lunch?
From the top!
1. Yes/No/No preference
Ex: Yes, that sounds great! Mmmmmsalsa
No, thanks, I'd rather eat something here.
I'm not really hungry, but we can go wherever you want.
There's no ambiguity! A decision is made; further action can be taken! YAY
*An important note about no preference*
"No preference" means you're actually fine with arbitrarily picking one of the choices.
I will often poke a "no preference" to make sure it's not actually an "I don't know" or a "toaster" because people are imprecise about it. I don't mind people poking mine, but I usually try to be careful in what I mean.
2. Maybe, it depends.
Ex: Maybe? I want to, but I have to finish this project, and I have work at 2, so only if I'm done by 12.
Maybe means there's a conditional that you don't know the answer to yet, and ideally you should specify what the conditions are. This is less sure than a definite answer, but still pretty concrete.
(It's possible that I use this definition of maybe to justify my facebook RSVP-ing habits. Maybe almost always means "yes-ish, if I have the energy and don't have something else I'd rather do come up.")
3. I don't know
Ex: Dunno? I'm kinda hungry, but I'm trying not to spend money and I had a burrito for dinner, but I realllly like their soup so...dunno.
"I don't know" means you don't have an answer to the question and don't know what it'll take to make a decison
(If I'm feeling too anxious to make a decision and don't want to pick, I feel like that's definitely an "I don't know, you pick," rather than "I don't have a preference, you pick." The latter implies that I know either is fine with me...the former means that I can't deal with choosing either.)
I feel like the best way to handle receiving either a "maybe" or an "I don't know" is to say "Okay, if I don't hear from you by X time, I'm going to do this" ("this" usually is the action you would take if the answer was a no.)
So, in our example: "Okay, well, once you decide, let me know? I'd rather eat lunch with you, but if I don't hear from you by 12, I'll probably just get something to-go."
At this point, I find people's reactions amusingly mixed. Some people have clearly felt more was needed to explain things, and some people as I proceed to the next level have reacted with a shocked "Wait, there's more?"
Oh yes. There's more.
4. Toaster
Ex: ...toaster?
Toaster means that for whatever reason, you just cannot engage with the question. You don't know the answer. You don't know *if* you know the answer. You don't know if there is an answer. AUUUGGHHHH QUESTIONS WHAT.
(Credit to Kylei for coming up with the best way ever to answer a yes or no question when you can't.
"I can't think about that right now" means the same thing, but at least for me is way harder to get out in most circumstances. Also, "I'll get back to you about that" is business-speak for "toaster,"--effectively the same, but less honest and open.)
For a question this simple, I'd probably only say toaster if I was in the middle of something else that was stressing me out and that I had to engage with (doing taxes?), but it comes up fairly often when either the question or life feels unbearably overwhelming.
If someone says toaster it is definitely not helpful to give them a deadline, (extra stress auuggghhhh) but I think it does help to let them know what you're going to do without their input.
Ex: Okay, I'll just figure out lunch on my own. *hugs*
If you absolutely cannot proceed without a decision from the person, do let them know how long you can wait.
And finally:
5. Twaddle
Ex: Well, I've been on a special diet, so I have to be really careful about what I eat.
It sounds...almost like an answer. They're sort of talking about the same thing you asked a question about. But not only does it not give you any actual indication of yes, no, or how sure the person is, the person isn't even engaging with the fact that that they're not engaging with the question.
(Meta-note: I'm finding myself really self-conscious about this last example. I'm in no way saying that being on a special diet is twaddle, just that the statement as stands without further qualification or detail is a twaddle answer to a yes-no question about Mexican today.)
This, again, is more likely to come up in more emotionally charged conversations. I feel like the best way to handle it is to point out as gently as possible that they're not actually answering the question, while acknowledging what they did say.
Ex: Okay, what kind of foods are okay for you? Is there anything at the Mexican place we like that would work, or should we do something else about lunch?
I'd like to be able to just say "Nope, that was twaddle" and have people apologize and answer the actual question, but that would probably not be kind or effective.
Just satisfying. *sigh*
Part of the reason that I'm so excited about having the option of "toaster" is that I feel that people twaddle because they're not up to thinking about the question--but most people don't have the tools to recognize when that's true. Moreover, in general there is a social stigma about saying "no" or "I don't know," let alone "toaster." It's seen as disappointing people, or being weak, which is ridiculous and obnoxious. If people lie or twaddle instead of giving an open, honest answer, you just have a bunch of people very few of whom end up actually understanding each other or getting what they want. (See Exhibit C: any sitcom ever)