Skills/Needs. Rambles beforehand. Ohai lj
I desperately need to ground, and I'm hoping writing will be able to do that for me right now. I feel. Weirdly selfish? To be posting when I feel like what I have going on isn't as intense as what Annicka and Abby and Roger are going through and posting about. But. I know that's a ridiculous feeling.
At least I don't feel anxious at the idea of writing. I have been for the past while. I haven't really been able to pin down why, either. This journal has been about me, not about presentation anyway, been a place to spill raw feels and make kind of a mess of them.
I'm massively over-extended emotionally and didn't notice until late last night. Stretched and stretched with a combination of just plain being around people and a lot of that interaction being really, really intense.
I really liked a prompt Belenen put forward as a suggestion to Abby, that they write out the skills/needs they have in relationships. So. I'm stealing it. It feels really hard to figure out what my needs would be at all, so I'm not starting there.
(I started writing this in the third person, but yah know, I like it a lot better in second person. It feels a lot more...connected that way. Also, possibly more arrogant.)
I listen. I'm really, really good at listening, at taking pieces of what you are saying, or have said, your body language, your tone, your posture, and then taking that and integrating and reflecting it.
I hold space for people in my mind. This is vague, and weird, and weirdly important to me. If you're an important part of my life, there's a corner of my mind that is always running a model of you. I'm aware of what you're doing, what you might need, what you might want, what might make you happy, what your schedule is like, when you might be available to interact with me. I wish this extended to me being casually good at gifting objects or acts of service, but it doesn't so far. Different skill, different programs.
I'll watch out for your boundaries at least as carefully as I watch out for my own. This is a new-ish skill, but incredibly important to me. It's honestly where I've spent most of my dots the past few years. Increasingly often, I'm having to talk people out of doing something for me that I really want because I can tell it's not something they're actually okay with doing. This. Makes me really happy on most levels and is really frustrating on others, cause I still wanted the things I wanted damnit. And I could have gotten them, too, if it wasn't for those meddling moral systems I've embraced where I value people's happiness and autonomy over the things I want.
I'll answer any question you ask to the best of my ability at the time. This has always been a huge part of me--I don't hide or try to filter out parts of myself. If you want to know me, I really want you to be able to, and I'm happy and flattered. A new part of this is being able recognize when I cannot engage fully or honestly and saying "Toasterrrrrr?" instead of constructing some sort of rational-sounding explanation so you'll leave me alone about it.
I care.
I care so fucking much about the people I let in. It's part of why I get to know most people slowly, why I have so hard of a time letting go or easing back on relationships. I don't know how to define it as a skill though, beside saying that I care. It feels definitely like a skill though. I feel like a lot of people I've watched hold back from emotionally committing to a person, from letting the other person's emotions and life impact their own. I can do that, but only if I keep someone below the level I consider a close-ish friend. This is a technical term.
I cuddle. I will cuddle the shit out of you. And pet your head and your back. I'm not expert at matching the cuddles to the person, but I'm getting better at it. It's one of my favorite ways to connect, because it's one of the only things I know of that can consistently be net-energy-positive for both people.
I'll give you whatever space you need, emotional or physical or both, especially if you ask for it. I'll also continue to reach out to you and remind you to come out of self-imposed isolation, but only if you specifically consent to that and only for so long. I am good at that, but it's really hard for me.
I work hard to maintain balance in my relationships-- to not ask or give more than you're willing to give or receive, and I try to keep it so that it feels fair to both of us. (grumblegrumbleTaz)
When I have the energy, I'll reach out to create time and specific types of connection with you. Initiating is high cost for me, but I still seem to end up doing more of it than the other person in most of my relationships. Or that could just be bias on my part. Maybe it's like sharing chores with someone and *everyone* feels like they're cleaning up more than their fair share of the other person's mess. But anyhow. I can and will initiate, and I'm pretty good at using what I know of the other person to initiate in a way that is non-pressurey and to do something they enjoy.
Huh. I was thinking my skills and needs would end up really different, since I've generally felt like a lot of my relationships were more about complementing each other...but I think that the skills I have to give to map really well to most of what I'd need or desire from another person.
The big thing that's not on the list that is really important to me and that I don't think I'll ever be good at is the ability to disrupt head loops and change the mood of an interaction. Ariana, Brian, and Kylei are all really good at that in fairly different ways. Ariana can break though most things with a really dark joke that catches me off guard-- a lot of times she'll do it for herself, too, when she's talking about something heavy. Brian just. Is Brian. <3 And somehow manages to guide conversations and interactions away from me perseverating and into happy chill hangouts or conversations without making me feel like my upset wasn't heard in like. A fraction of the time I would have stressy talked out my stuff with anyone else. Kylei can't always do it, but they get so excited and wrapped up in a thing and swing that excited everywhere, and sometimes then I can just jump along for the ride and it's great.
At least I don't feel anxious at the idea of writing. I have been for the past while. I haven't really been able to pin down why, either. This journal has been about me, not about presentation anyway, been a place to spill raw feels and make kind of a mess of them.
I'm massively over-extended emotionally and didn't notice until late last night. Stretched and stretched with a combination of just plain being around people and a lot of that interaction being really, really intense.
I really liked a prompt Belenen put forward as a suggestion to Abby, that they write out the skills/needs they have in relationships. So. I'm stealing it. It feels really hard to figure out what my needs would be at all, so I'm not starting there.
(I started writing this in the third person, but yah know, I like it a lot better in second person. It feels a lot more...connected that way. Also, possibly more arrogant.)
I listen. I'm really, really good at listening, at taking pieces of what you are saying, or have said, your body language, your tone, your posture, and then taking that and integrating and reflecting it.
I hold space for people in my mind. This is vague, and weird, and weirdly important to me. If you're an important part of my life, there's a corner of my mind that is always running a model of you. I'm aware of what you're doing, what you might need, what you might want, what might make you happy, what your schedule is like, when you might be available to interact with me. I wish this extended to me being casually good at gifting objects or acts of service, but it doesn't so far. Different skill, different programs.
I'll watch out for your boundaries at least as carefully as I watch out for my own. This is a new-ish skill, but incredibly important to me. It's honestly where I've spent most of my dots the past few years. Increasingly often, I'm having to talk people out of doing something for me that I really want because I can tell it's not something they're actually okay with doing. This. Makes me really happy on most levels and is really frustrating on others, cause I still wanted the things I wanted damnit. And I could have gotten them, too, if it wasn't for those meddling moral systems I've embraced where I value people's happiness and autonomy over the things I want.
I'll answer any question you ask to the best of my ability at the time. This has always been a huge part of me--I don't hide or try to filter out parts of myself. If you want to know me, I really want you to be able to, and I'm happy and flattered. A new part of this is being able recognize when I cannot engage fully or honestly and saying "Toasterrrrrr?" instead of constructing some sort of rational-sounding explanation so you'll leave me alone about it.
I care.
I care so fucking much about the people I let in. It's part of why I get to know most people slowly, why I have so hard of a time letting go or easing back on relationships. I don't know how to define it as a skill though, beside saying that I care. It feels definitely like a skill though. I feel like a lot of people I've watched hold back from emotionally committing to a person, from letting the other person's emotions and life impact their own. I can do that, but only if I keep someone below the level I consider a close-ish friend. This is a technical term.
I cuddle. I will cuddle the shit out of you. And pet your head and your back. I'm not expert at matching the cuddles to the person, but I'm getting better at it. It's one of my favorite ways to connect, because it's one of the only things I know of that can consistently be net-energy-positive for both people.
I'll give you whatever space you need, emotional or physical or both, especially if you ask for it. I'll also continue to reach out to you and remind you to come out of self-imposed isolation, but only if you specifically consent to that and only for so long. I am good at that, but it's really hard for me.
I work hard to maintain balance in my relationships-- to not ask or give more than you're willing to give or receive, and I try to keep it so that it feels fair to both of us. (grumblegrumbleTaz)
When I have the energy, I'll reach out to create time and specific types of connection with you. Initiating is high cost for me, but I still seem to end up doing more of it than the other person in most of my relationships. Or that could just be bias on my part. Maybe it's like sharing chores with someone and *everyone* feels like they're cleaning up more than their fair share of the other person's mess. But anyhow. I can and will initiate, and I'm pretty good at using what I know of the other person to initiate in a way that is non-pressurey and to do something they enjoy.
Huh. I was thinking my skills and needs would end up really different, since I've generally felt like a lot of my relationships were more about complementing each other...but I think that the skills I have to give to map really well to most of what I'd need or desire from another person.
The big thing that's not on the list that is really important to me and that I don't think I'll ever be good at is the ability to disrupt head loops and change the mood of an interaction. Ariana, Brian, and Kylei are all really good at that in fairly different ways. Ariana can break though most things with a really dark joke that catches me off guard-- a lot of times she'll do it for herself, too, when she's talking about something heavy. Brian just. Is Brian. <3 And somehow manages to guide conversations and interactions away from me perseverating and into happy chill hangouts or conversations without making me feel like my upset wasn't heard in like. A fraction of the time I would have stressy talked out my stuff with anyone else. Kylei can't always do it, but they get so excited and wrapped up in a thing and swing that excited everywhere, and sometimes then I can just jump along for the ride and it's great.