FUCK IT!
I wish there was an easy way to describe what Ive been feeling lately.. I wish that everything wasnt tearing at my emotions.. And more than anything I wish that I understood what was going on.
The past couple days Ive spent a lot of time alone.. Ive needed "Liz time" to get in touch with all the craziness in my life. Most of it is bullshit that I shouldnt have even gotten involved in.. But it happens.
Ive realized recently that this is the time for me to live it up.. I need to party.. I need to date around.. I need to be a slut for lack of better terms.. I need to try everything Im going to try before its time for me to grow up.
But thats where my fuckedupness comes in. Fucking Chad.. Mother Fucking Chad. I dont know what to do about this anymore.. I blame it all on him.. Constantly.. I say that he's the reason Im so fucked up.. But I do so much to myself.. Its my fault that I have become dependent on him to fill my void. Drugs dont fill it.. Alcohol doesnt fill it.. Yet I continue to try. Its so sad. Im scared that Im going to live my whole life wrapped up in the idea that we're supposed to be together.. I see that.. Everyone else sees that.. Yet he doesnt.. But then again.. Right now thats not something that I dont even want to think about.. I cant see myself settling down anytime soon.. Not even with him. I dont get jealous when he talks about girls that he meets at concerts.. Or girls that he wants to fuck.. I would be a hypocrite if I did.. I talk to him about that shit.. I talk to him when I hook up with other guys.. We talk to each other about all kinds of shit..
But there is one thing that really gets me about Chad. He has a girlfriend.. He's in a serious realtionship.. Right now he lives in Atlanta and over the past few months I feel like we've gotten pretty close again.. It all started when him and his girlfriend started having problems.. And it just kept progressing.. I even saw him last weekend.. Hes moving back to Virginia in January.. Hes going to be back with her.. I know that EVERYTHING between us is going to change. If he was just having fun right now.. Dating around.. Doing his thing.. Everything would be okay.. But instead hes in love with another girl.. That he will soon be able to see on a daily basis.. Im so scared that he's going to forget about anything that he could have with me.. I'll once again be just a mere memory to him.. He'll forget that he loves me. I dont know.. I just dont understand how he can tell me that he's not ready to settle down.. Yet he was heartbroken when him and his girlfriend broke up.. And he even told me awhile back that he can see himself marrying her.
Fuck it.. Its too much to think about.
"My give a damn's busted.."
The past couple days Ive spent a lot of time alone.. Ive needed "Liz time" to get in touch with all the craziness in my life. Most of it is bullshit that I shouldnt have even gotten involved in.. But it happens.
Ive realized recently that this is the time for me to live it up.. I need to party.. I need to date around.. I need to be a slut for lack of better terms.. I need to try everything Im going to try before its time for me to grow up.
But thats where my fuckedupness comes in. Fucking Chad.. Mother Fucking Chad. I dont know what to do about this anymore.. I blame it all on him.. Constantly.. I say that he's the reason Im so fucked up.. But I do so much to myself.. Its my fault that I have become dependent on him to fill my void. Drugs dont fill it.. Alcohol doesnt fill it.. Yet I continue to try. Its so sad. Im scared that Im going to live my whole life wrapped up in the idea that we're supposed to be together.. I see that.. Everyone else sees that.. Yet he doesnt.. But then again.. Right now thats not something that I dont even want to think about.. I cant see myself settling down anytime soon.. Not even with him. I dont get jealous when he talks about girls that he meets at concerts.. Or girls that he wants to fuck.. I would be a hypocrite if I did.. I talk to him about that shit.. I talk to him when I hook up with other guys.. We talk to each other about all kinds of shit..
But there is one thing that really gets me about Chad. He has a girlfriend.. He's in a serious realtionship.. Right now he lives in Atlanta and over the past few months I feel like we've gotten pretty close again.. It all started when him and his girlfriend started having problems.. And it just kept progressing.. I even saw him last weekend.. Hes moving back to Virginia in January.. Hes going to be back with her.. I know that EVERYTHING between us is going to change. If he was just having fun right now.. Dating around.. Doing his thing.. Everything would be okay.. But instead hes in love with another girl.. That he will soon be able to see on a daily basis.. Im so scared that he's going to forget about anything that he could have with me.. I'll once again be just a mere memory to him.. He'll forget that he loves me. I dont know.. I just dont understand how he can tell me that he's not ready to settle down.. Yet he was heartbroken when him and his girlfriend broke up.. And he even told me awhile back that he can see himself marrying her.
Fuck it.. Its too much to think about.
"My give a damn's busted.."