...won't ever be no millionare, i'm a blue collar man...
i was so tempted to just drink her away last night. the beer and whiskey was there. i was so tempted to just take one. one drink. but then i think i realized if i started...i wouldnt have been able to stop. something stopped me. i don't know, but it was almost like the same thing that stopped me from...yea. but the pain is still there. draining, killing my heart a little bit at a time, until there is no heart left to anything with. the heart i once had......there is no more gold. the gold is gone. just stone is left. i feel so drained and down all the time. before, i never felt this way. because everyone said i had a heart of gold. but now, the gold is gone and all that is left is rock and stone. how much more can i take? how many more times must i wake up unhappy and heartbroken? how much can one heart take? even one as big as mine (at least that's what eveyone else says)? how much? another day? another month? another year? forever? i guess...the only consolance i have is that one day, my heart will finally lay at rest and on that day, it will find peace. peace from this torment. from this torrent of emotions. from everything, and i will finally find PEACE. but what must i do to get there? like i asked before, how much must i endure? how much more? how many more times? everyone says they long to see me again, the way i used to be. they want to see me smile, knowing that i am because I CAN and not a front. has anyone ever thought that i want that more than anything right now? i want to smile again, i want my heart back, i want to be larger than life again. i want that more than anything. i want to be invincible again. i want to be that shining star that seems like a fleeting memory now. i want it back. i want it all back. all of it. but everytime i try, i get shot down. but i get back up again. as soon as things go better, they get shot to hell again. and its all because i can't be met in the middle. i have to do everything. no one can give me a hand. because the 2 reasons why i am still here in this pit won't give me anything to work with. i wont accept another sorry from him. or her. there has been no sincerity from either of them! it was my fault this happened to me. well of course it has to be my fault, i am the vunerable one! of course it has to be my fault! because they can't accept the fact that they MAY have been wrong about what they did. but they're never wrong oh no, zac can never be wrong. he's gotta fucking blame it one someone else! it's never his fault! well this is one person that says it IS his fault and that is never going to change. even if i am against the world, i will never stumble on my path. even i have to travel alone. i never gave up on anything in my life. and i'm not about to start now.