...but i keep on tryin' ...

[hardcorecowboy]

*sigh plus takes a deep breath* contemplation...... thoughts running through my head. my chest feels so empty...like it literally feels lighter, like something was removed from it. i'm not going to cry. i'm not going to do it. im stronger than that. im stronger...oh what's the use? all i can do is all i can do and all i can be is all i can be. i keep on tryin', every day. every night. every moring i wake up and wonder how i am going to make it through this day. then i drive home. eat, do homework, go to bed and think about how i am going to get to sleep. then i wake up the next day and do it all again. i dont even know what keeps me going anymore. what drives me to get out of bed each day and go through it again and again and again. why do i continue to put up with it? they're killing me. and it seems as if they are both relishing in my pain. they're thriving on it. that they're entire relationship relies solely on the fact i am in pain. that i am unhappy.she says the understands what i am going through. that she knows what it feels like. my question now is, if she knows, then why the fuck is she putting me thorugh it? zac, of all people, talks like a big ladies man, just reeling em in. if he knows and understands soooo fucking well what im going through then why the fuck his he putting me thorugh this? huh? why? if they know soooo fucking well how it feels to cry yourself to sleep at night for the past 4 months, to be in therapy for it, IF THEY KNOW SO WELL THEN WHY THE FUCK DID THEY DO THIS?!?!?! WHY THE HELL DID THEY DO THIS TO ME IF THEY KNEW? IF THEY KNOW WHAT IT FUCKING FEELS LIKE TO CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT? HUH? if they understood the pain, like they say they do, then why in the fucking blazes are they doing it to me? hmm? why the fuck are they killing me like this? why? i think that anyone who understands soooo fucking well wouldnt do it to someone else because of the fact that they know.

i want it back. i want that heart, i want to be larger than life again. I WANT IT ALL BACK! GIVE IT BACK TO ME!!!! I WANT IT ALL BACK! I WANT MY FUCKING HEART BACK! I WANT IT BACK YOU BITCH! YOU FUCKING BITCH GIVE ME MY GOD DAMNED HEART BACK! GIVE IT ALL BACK! I WANT IT ALL BACK! JUST GIVE ME MY FUCKING HEART BACK!!!!! GIVE IT BACK! YOU HEARTLESS BITCH! GIVE ME WHAT I HAD BACK! GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK! GIVE IT BACK!!!!!!!! just give it back......

i should just do what i should have done a long time ago......