(no subject)
it hasn't gotten better.
not at all.
i wander through my daily life and go through the motions but when i'm alone all i think about is blackness. i think about him and where he is right now. i think about the wedding i was supposed to have. i think about how i can't remember every little detail of everday we spent together. i think about how i can't remember his smell.
i feel him though. like when i go out and just get shit face, because when i am thats the only time i dont think about him, i'll wake up in the morning and i have no idea how i got home and someone will tell me i drove well thats when i know he made sure i got home safe.
but its not enough. i want more. i need more. sometimes i just wish i could go to sleep and not wake up. nothings the same and i dont know if it will ever be. im so scarred now i dont see me ever going back to the person i was. i used to be so carefree and i enjoyed simple things. but now im not even me anymore i feel like a shell of what i used to be.
sometimes i have good days. sometimes i can go a full two weeks without breaking down. but then sometimes its two days and then i find myself clutching his shirt crying harder than the time before.
i don't want to feel anymore.
not at all.
i wander through my daily life and go through the motions but when i'm alone all i think about is blackness. i think about him and where he is right now. i think about the wedding i was supposed to have. i think about how i can't remember every little detail of everday we spent together. i think about how i can't remember his smell.
i feel him though. like when i go out and just get shit face, because when i am thats the only time i dont think about him, i'll wake up in the morning and i have no idea how i got home and someone will tell me i drove well thats when i know he made sure i got home safe.
but its not enough. i want more. i need more. sometimes i just wish i could go to sleep and not wake up. nothings the same and i dont know if it will ever be. im so scarred now i dont see me ever going back to the person i was. i used to be so carefree and i enjoyed simple things. but now im not even me anymore i feel like a shell of what i used to be.
sometimes i have good days. sometimes i can go a full two weeks without breaking down. but then sometimes its two days and then i find myself clutching his shirt crying harder than the time before.
i don't want to feel anymore.