[log] Gin Ichimaru, Rangiku Matsumoto
Title: Behind the Eight Ball, Pt 2
Characters: Gin Ichiamaru (lcpdragonslayer), Rangiku Matsumoto (some_scribbles)
Timeline: February 22nd, 1950
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gin is a good teacher and Rangiku discovers the evils of a pool hall first hand.
Gin chose to focus on the game, watching the balls absently as they sprawled across the table, going in different paths, much like the way his thoughts and mind were being pulled in different directions.
"Why don't ya keep goin'?" he said blankly. That voice sounded unfamiliar, as if it were someone else speaking, as if he was not the one here, talking with Ran. It took a while before he could register it as his own voice.
"I'll go get ya another drink."
He turned away swiftly and headed to the bar, running a hand through his hair, sighing softly. Just... thinking about it - the monster inside - it unsettled him. The last person he wanted to be around in that frame of mind was Ran.
"Can I get uh... some corn n' a Tiger's Milk?"
"Sure thing, Gin."
He leaned against the bar, resting his chin on his palm, looking on idly.
"Hey Gin~"
He picked his head up and turned a little so he could see the patronising face from out of the corner of his eye. The girl slid an arm around his shoulder, leaning against him, smiling cheekily. Gin only put on his usual smile - even if he did feel like he wanted to rip that face apart.
"Nice catch - she's a fine dame."
"Ya think so?"
"For sure. Thought you weren't into pro skirts. How much didcha pay her to come out with you tonight?"
"She ain't like ya, missy. She's more than a cheap fuck."
Gin's smile widened as she bristled.
"Yer drinks, Gin."
"Thanks, bo."
He peeled that arm off from around his neck and picked up the drinks, ignoring the woman as he made his way back to Ran and the pool game.
"How're ya doin'?"
Rangiku shifted to look at him when Gin started speaking, turning around fully just in time to watch him walk away. She clenched her teeth, and watched him for maybe a moment too long before turning back to the table.
It was a little easier, without him there. It gave her room to breathe, to back up, to mess up as many times as she needed to-and she did. She shifted the stick around in her fingers, trying different positions before finally returning to the one Gin had said he used.
The gameplay took her around the table and once more she practiced hitting the white ball ‘in the center.’ She connected, and glanced up from the table, her gaze immediately drawn to Gin at the bar. A lithe little brunette had wrapped herself around him and he… let her.
She felt her stomach drop. She didn’t look away, as much as she wanted to; instead Ran narrowed her eyes. This was what she’d wanted to see, after all. Gin in his element. Which, apparently, was him walking away from her and into the arms of someone else.
Goddamnit.
She’d walked into this with her eyes wide opened. She’d gotten into it determined to take their time together moment by moment. He’d never given her any guarantees.
But so help her, she wanted to smash her cue stick over his head.
Turning back to the table with a vengeance, she somehow managed to sink three balls (one of them striped) before she shot straight up, startled at the sound of his voice.
She placed a hand over her rapidly beating heart and turned around to face him. “How do you do that?”
"Huh? Do what?"
He looked blankly at her for a moment, and held her drink out to her. She seemed... a lot different from before he left the game to go get the drinks.
What had happened in that minute or three?
When Ran took her drink, Gin moved over to the table and surveyed the game. She had done well - sunk two of her own balls, and... oh. One of his.
"Yer gettin' better," he noted with an innocent smile, taking a sip of his Tiger's Milk.
“Thanks,” she said and took a sip of her drink. She hated the way a part of her leapt at the fact that he remembered what she liked. Any one of a dozen birds she’d let buy her a drink would have done the same. It didn’t mean anything.
She couldn’t help flicking her gaze back to the bar. The little brunette had gone and cozied up to a brawny bird, and something sour twisted in her stomach.
Turning her attention back to Gin, she saw that he was studying the game. Leaning one hip on the table, Rangiku took the chance to take him in, letting her gaze wander from his face to his feet and back up again. He was really there, standing right in front of her, and he was as out of her reach as the moon.
She turned aside and placed her glass back on the table. She knew she couldn’t be a part of his world-especially since he seemed bound and determined not to let her-but that was what tonight was all about. Stealing a glimpse. She wasn’t trying to catch him, she wasn’t trying to keep him, she just wanted to see.
Rangiku took a deep breath before turned back to face Gin with a smile on her face. It was small, and it cost her, but it was real. She looked at him and shook her head, “It’s not usually that easy to sneak up on me. But you keep doing it, even that first night when I didn’t have a clue who you were.”
Realizing that she might have just let drop more than she wanted, Rangiku abruptly changed her tune. “So you said that you didn’t come here that often? What makes this place different than the places you normally go to?”
He took in another mouthful of his Tiger's Milk before placing it on the table to the side and picking up his cue stick. His gaze flickered over to Ran when she asked that question, and he had to stop and ponder for a bit.
"S'a nice place - too nice. The kinds of places I go to - they're the dark, dirty, unwelcoming kind. I know everyone there - n' they all know me - n' they're all trouble boys; heavy smokers, boozehounds, junkies n' many of them're far off the tracks."
There were plenty of reasons why he didn't want Ran to be going to those kinds of places - he had listed some, and he also did not want her to be harassed, nor did he want her to overhear the kinds of conversations they had, and the kinds of conversations Gin would invariably be having if he was there.
"I... Ya wouldn't feel safe, bein' in that kinda place. I'd probably have ta fend everyone off wit' mah cue stick," he said teasingly, making light of the situation. In reality, everyone would have been heeled and roscoes would be flying out of their holsters so fast that they would have reached a standoff even seconds after stepping into the joints.
And was that the kind of insight he wanted Ran to have on his life?
No - not exactly.
He walked around the table to get to the white ball and leaned over, getting ready to take his shot.
This place was too nice? Rangiku couldn’t help but glance around at that. It was… clean. Clean-ish. The lights were all working, and while there was an assortment of people there they mostly kept to their own groups, the low rumble of voices occasionally rising and falling. The drinks were good, not great.
She’d say that Selangor was pretty average for a bar, if a little run down and rough around the edges. He’d say it was too nice? What kind of places did he normally go to?
“Doesn’t that sound like fun,” she teased back. “Didn’t know you’d picked up fencing.”
She watched him move and get ready for his shot and flicked her gaze away, not wanting to let herself watch. Her attention returned to the bar. The brunette was gesticulating wildly while she pushed herself up against the bird and Ran decided that maybe she was better off watching Gin after all.
“It seems like you know plenty of people here too,” she kept her voice light, hoping he’d think she was referring to the way they’d been crowded when they first came in. “At least, they seem to know you.”
"Ya know I'd pick anythin' up if it meant keepin' ya safe-"
...He really needed to think and choose his words carefully before speaking. But he had already said it, and it was too late. Anyway, Gin was fully aware that Ran knew. She knew - she had to know why he insisted on keeping this distance between them. Why he insisted that he should be the one coming to see her, and not her coming to see him.
Ran was his business, and no one else's. That, and, he didn't want certain people to know about this.
She was the only thing he had outside of his damned world - the only shining silver coin amidst the pouch of dirty ones.
"They know me," he said simply, taking his shot. The tip of the cue stick snapped against the white ball, sending it flying towards the wall. It rebounded at an angle and sliced one of the striped ones, sending it off to the side pocket.
"I know most of 'em, but not personally. They all just wanna suck up to me cause of-..." He looked at Ran, smiling a bit. "Cause they seem ta think that I'm in charge of things."
"Ya know I'd pick anythin' up if it meant keepin' ya safe-"
Rangiku gulped at that and felt heat shoot straight through her at his words. All the hard-fought distance she’d won for herself since he walked away from her melted with it and for a moment she believed him, everything he said and didn’t say.
She had to look away. Ran knew in her heart, knew it deep in her bones, to her very marrow that Gin would never allow anyone to hurt her while he was around. It was not something she had ever, ever questioned. But to hear it reaffirmed like that…
Rangiku shook herself. She was a big girl now. She didn’t need him to take care of her anymore. She couldn’t let herself latch on to him. After all, he’d already proven he was more than capable of just walking away.
She turned back in time to see him make his shot. Ran sighed softly. He made it look so easy. Perversely, his reminder about just why people would be so friendly with him relaxed her. “That makes sense.”
It wasn’t that she was glad to be reminded of who he was-she’d never forgotten, even if she didn’t let herself think about it. It was just that it provided an explanation for the behavior she’d seen tonight, with everything from the way they’d been greeted to Gin’s friendly conversation at the other table to that Jane at the bar. Gin had never been… friendly. And yet every time she’d seen him out in public, whether at Cinq or here, he’d been crowded with people. Of course he’d have people cozying up to him, he was Someone.
Ran shook her head at the strangeness of it all before slanting him a sympathetic glance from under her lashes. “Must drive you nuts, huh?”
Gin went back to pick up his Tiger's Milk and took in a mouthful, leaning back against the wall and letting the cue stick rest in front of his feet and in his other hand. It was Ran's turn - she might actually win, if she could get the balls in.
He placed the glass back down on the table and straightened, walking back towards her.
"If ya want me ta be honest - yeah, it really does." Not just sometimes but all the time.
"I ain't anybody. I don't make the decisions or call the shots - I just get told what to do n' do what I can ta fulfill it."
Capo Bastone - it was just a title. It meant nothing, because Aizen was everything. Gin didn't mind it one bit - he just wished people could see that and stop hassling him.
That was also another reason why he did not come to a place like Selangor too often. The places he frequented - they knew that he was just a chess piece - a smoker, drinker, drug addict, killer and executioner - like everyone else.
It just so happened that Mister Aizen liked him.
"S'yer turn."
Rangiku started moving around the table. She considered the position of the balls carefully while trying to think of how to respond to that. She didn’t know the ins-and-outs of the mafia, of course, but it was hard to believe that everyone thought Gin had power he didn’t have. All the same… people were used to seeing what they wanted to see. And Gin had no reason to lie to her.
She glanced up at him and flashed him a grin, “Too bad you can’t just tell ‘em to sneak. The price of success,” she clucked her tongue in mock sympathy. “Just another burden for you to bear. People.”
Leaning over the table, Rangiku was about to take her shot when her hackles rose. Straightening up, she turned to find that the brawny bird the brunette had been chatting up trying to come up behind her. She cast a glance over to Gin as if to say, ‘See, I told you most people can’t sneak up on me,” before giving the bird her attention.
She met Brawny’s eyes and confidently leaned her hip against the pool table, still holding the cue stick in one hand. “Can I help you?”
Rangiku didn’t bother holding back an exasperated sigh when the bird’s eyes dropped from hers and began a slow track up her body. “Yeah, ya can. The dollie says your bo said you was more dan just a cheap fuck.”
Rangiku’s hand tightened on the cue stick and her eyes narrowed. “Is that so?”
“Yeah, so what I wanna know is dis,” he paused and dropped his gaze again, a leer twisting his mouth. “How much are you?”
Gin had noticed that big brute coming over in his peripheral vision long before Ran straightened up from the table, her shot interrupted. He chose not to say anything - they might have been lucky and the man was heading to another table.
But alas, that was not to be. Gin's smile faded a little when the brute spoke, and he looked over to the pro skirt. Found a way to get him back for his comment, evidently, but this was... cheap.
That and Gin didn't like how that brute was looking at... Ran's assets.
Ran could take care of herself, but this was between Gin and the pro skirt. That and he probably wouldn't be able to forgive himself if something happened to her.
He left the cue stick behind and walked around the table, smiling and strolling over casually. Pulling his jacket back ever so slightly, he undid the two buttons over his IWB holster, the silver plating over his gun glistening in the light for a brief second.
Gin's hand slipped casually into his pocket, concealing the gun again. He might not have needed it as of yet, but there was no telling what would happen. He didn't want things to turn out like this, but...
Bah.
Smiling lazily, he placed the back of his hand against the brute's chest. He may have been of a smaller build, but Gin could fight. He just did not want to be the one to start it, with all the spectators looking on.
"She ain't fer sale, bo. Why don'tcha jus' back off, huh?"
Rangiku felt her eyes widen at his words. She wasn’t surprised he had stepped in front of her, a little irritated, but not surprised, but then he had to go and act like he had a say in it. She wondered if Gin could sound more like her John if he tried.
A feeling of dread crept down her spine. She’d wondered, before, if that’s what he thought of her. She’d given him the opportunity to ask. He never did. And it wasn’t something she could just say. Now this had happened, and she couldn’t think of a worse way for it to come up.
Familiar feelings of shame twisted in her stomach to be replaced an instant later by an equally familiar anger. She was tempted to just march up between the two of them and give them both a piece of her mind along with some liberal assistance from her cue stick, but Rangiku knew that was the last thing she should do. If the things worked here worked any way liked they worked on the streets, reputation was everything. Her stepping in now that Gin had taken up the challenge would just undermine him.
Damn it. She was right where she didn’t want to be-depending on him again.
Brawny twisted his head and spat on the floor by Gin’s feet. “Looks like Chippy’s got plenty to go around. M’ money’s just as good as yours. Get outta my way, ya piece of shit.”
He reached out and shoved Gin on the shoulder, already ignoring Gin as he locked gazes with her. Rangiku grit her teeth and met Brawny’s gaze straight on.
He sighed quietly. Some people never learned - but then he was not quite expecting someone like that man to have any brains. No one with two decent-sized brain cells would challenge Gin Ichimaru - not unless they wanted their arteries sliced open and have Gin lick the blood off on some unknown, dingy side street.
And have their family massacred, as well.
Spidery, bony fingers crept up towards the back of the brute’s neck, and Gin slipped two fingers into the collar of the brute’s shirt as he tried to walk past. Giving it a rough tug, Gin brought the brute down falling to the floor with just his two fingers.
A look of surprise and confusion flashed across the brute’s face, but before his back even met the ground, Gin’s fist collided into the brute’s cheek, snapping the head to the side.
Standing over the curled, coughing and groaning body, Gin’s smile widened - but his malevolent, menacing smile was nothing like the ones he used with Ran.
He could tear this guy apart right now like it was nobody’s business, and it was taking a lot of energy to control himself from doing so.
“I don’t think ya heard me, bo. I said she ain’t fer sale. Ya jus’ try touchin’ her wit’ those filthy hands o’ yers - I’ll cut ‘em off n’ send ‘em to yer mum’s fuckin’ doorstep.”
Rangiku could see that Gin was holding himself back. It was in the tense line of his shoulders, in the way that he spoke, in the fact that the other man was still breathing.
He was… really good at this. He’d pulled Brawny back and slugged him in the same smooth movement. It was all the promise of violence that he had when they were young, every hint of utter indifference towards anyone else but the two of them, every flicker of enjoyment of someone else’s pain fulfilled.
Ran felt her heart clench. She was scared. Not for herself or for the man groaning on the floor, but for Gin. What had he let himself become?
The Brunos from the other table started making their way over-probably to offer to hold Brawny down so Gin could make good on his threat. She really didn’t want to see that. But what could she do? Gin couldn’t be seen backing down, she knew that, and if she made a big deal out of this would he ever trust her to go anywhere with him again?
And what was she supposed to do after they ‘took care of it?’ Have another drink and get back to the game? Knowing that she could have stopped it, feeling everyone’s eyes on her? She wouldn’t be able to bear that.
Then again, maybe that was something she could use. Everyone in this place was going to assume she was Gin’s, especially after this little display. She could play that part.
Laying her cue stick on the table behind her, Rangiku took a deep breath before allowing herself to prowl over to Gin’s side. She didn’t speak to him, addressing her words to the man on the ground instead.
“I know you might find this hard to believe, but some men? Don’t have to pay for sex.” Ran slid her hand around to rest it on the small of Gin’s back, pressing herself lightly against his side. “They get it for free because they are so. Damn. Good.” She raised her other hand to Gin’s opposite shoulder and trailed her fingertips down his chest in a lazy Z, stopping just above his belt buckle. Letting her hand rest flat against his stomach she turned to press against him fully, catching his eyes and pitching her voice in an appealing pout for the benefit of their audience. “Let’s go, baby. This place is getting stale.”
Let them think they were leaving because she was so turned on she couldn’t wait. No one would think twice about that.
Gin was intent on showing the brute exactly how much of a 'piece of shit' the Capo Bastone really was when he felt Ran stand close. She was one of the two people who had the end of the leash - one of only two who could control the bloodthirsty monster gnashing at the brute's heels.
He felt Ran's hand, Ran's touch, and his smile faded ever so slightly. He was once again reminded of why he was here - why she was here - and this was the very thing he wanted to keep her away from.
The malicious smile melded into a softer one, and Gin swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth.
Without saying anything to break the silence, he walked away. The brute was not going to wake up the next morning, regardless of what happened now, and it would be better this way if he took Ran with him.
At least, she would not get to watch. She probably knew - but it might have been easier on her if she did not see.
They stepped out into the streets, where it was cooler, where the night air knew nothing of what happened inside. He sighed and reached into his pockets, fiddling with the packet of tobacco and paper, still remaining quiet as he rolled himself a cigarette.
Rangiku stayed close to Gin as they walked out, the silence tense and tight between them. She could feel her heart pounding and kept her gaze straight ahead, watching Gin in her periphery vision until a flash of dark hair caught her eye. It was the brunette. She’d sat down abruptly as they walked past, and for a brief moment Rangiku met her dark eyes. They were scared, angry, and didn’t hold the slightest shade of regret. Ran swallowed, slid a little closer to Gin, and kept walking.
The night air was cool and clear and exactly what she needed. They walked a little way in silence as Gin rolled himself a gasper.
She gave him space, she gave him time. She needed some herself. Her heart was heavy with the knowledge she’d come to find. After a moment, she looked up at him again, at the way he stood in the shadows, hiding the expression on his face even though she knew it would be set in that same smile. Taking a deep breath, Ran stopped walking.
“Let me see your hand,” she said softly.
Planting the cigarette between his lips, he groped around in his pockets for his lighter and pulled it out, flicking the lid open and bringing the open flame to the end of the small smoke.
He sighed quietly through his nose as he slipped the lighter back into the deep recesses of his pocket. The smoke was... refreshing, relaxing and rejuvenating.
At Ran's request, he turned to look at her, his smile giving away nothing. He turned back to look down at the back of his hand. It was shaking ever so slightly, but at least the skin did not come off.
He used to have callouses over his knuckles, but they have long faded. Now they were just slightly red and raw.
It did not really hurt, per se. It looked worse than it really was.
Wordlessly, he held his hand out to her.
Rangiku took his hand in both of hers and used it to pull him gently into a warm circle of lamplight. His hand was cool, and she instinctively ran her thumbs over his knuckles, tentatively at first and then a bit more insistently as she bent her head to inspect his hand. His knuckles were red and raw, but it didn’t feel like anything had broken or bruised. Ran gentled her touch, shifting her thumbs so that they traced just under his knuckles as she frowned down at his hand.
“It doesn’t look that bad.’
She still cared about him. It was crazy, she knew. Gin had left her. He’d walked away and he hadn’t looked back. He’d joined a world worse than the one she’d tried so hard to leave behind, where violence was as commonplace as breathing. And he exalted in it. He hadn’t seemed to enjoy himself more at any other point that night then when he’d been standing over Brawny, ready and willing to tear him apart. It was crazy. But she still cared about him. She couldn’t deny that anymore than she could deny who he was. She cared about him.
And she still cared about his opinion of her.
Rangiku watched her thumbs slide over his hand only half aware that she was still doing it, and took courage in the fact that he was letting her touch him. If he’d made up his mind that she’d turned into a worker, he would never have let her near him, unless more about him had changed than she’d seen. It would be better to just get this over with.
“I never did, you know. It’s okay, I know you had to have wondered. If I ever… went pro. And I never did,” she lifted her gaze from his hand and sought Gin’s eyes, something fierce sparking in her own. “Not once.”
Taking a few steps into the dim light, Gin's gaze remained fixated on his hand, and the way Ran... caressed it. Her touch was gentle - he wondered if she was like this with everyone, with all her friends, because he was only ever gentle with her. She had been the only one who could make him laugh - really laugh, either from the silly things she said or did - even though there really was nothing to laugh about, being kids in their predicament.
His fingers curled a little and twitched in her light grip. He did not know how someone like her could... make him like this. He liked to think that he left her because he didn't want her to come along to his world, but perhaps he had left because she was one of the few things that could inhibit him and these... primal desires. Perhaps he really was the selfish one, wanting to be free, wanting to do what he felt like he was born capable of and good at doing.
Or perhaps he had foreseen that things would become like this.
That he would see her as more than just a friend.
"Actually, in the almost twenty years that we've been apart, that thought had never crossed my mind," he said quietly. Call it stupid, or crazy, but he knew.
He knew that she wouldn't.
And, well, even if she did, he had chosen to leave her behind. It was her life, and it was her decision, and he had no say anymore. If anything, he was the last person who should be saying anything.
He had seen those eyes before - it must have been a lifetime ago, but he remembered them. They were... oddly familiar, and distinct from everything else that he knew.
"I'm sorry," he said, and his smile widened. He pulled his hand away from her grasp and turned away. "I didn't... Things shouldn't have turned out the way they did tonight."
Rangiku caught her breath when he spoke and went absolutely still. It hadn’t… crossed his mind. He didn’t think of her like that. Relief and something else, strong and sweet, crashed over her and for a moment she almost felt dizzy with the sudden surge of affection she felt towards him.
He never thought she would. Even Captain Harrison had tried to marry her off as soon as she could-just another form of pimping as far as Ran had been concerned. But Gin… and coming from him…
The rush of elation faded into something bittersweet, bringing an ache to her pleasure when she let him slide his hand free of hers and watched him turn away.
Damn it, Gin. Why do you make it so hard for me to keep you away?
“S’all right,” she said, clamping down on her urge to latch onto Gin’s arm and swing in close so that she could see his face. Instead she shifted so that once again Ran stood at his side, giving him space and eyeing the way his cigarette simultaneously illuminated him while casting him in shadow. “You don’t need to apologize. It wasn’t your fault.”
She was silent for a moment, at loss for what to say. The evening had definitely not gone as she’d expected. She wasn’t sure what she’d thought would happen, but everything from the pool lesson to, well, getting him to leave… they definitely weren’t on the list. All the same, she’d come there for a glimpse into Gin’s world… and that is exactly what she’d got.
And that was something she’d think about later, when he wasn’t standing right next to her and not looking at her. Ran bumped her hand against his experimentally, in a bid for his attention. “It’s too bad, though. I felt like I was finally starting to handle the stick right.” She slid her gaze up towards him and gave him a cheeky grin.
He looked down at their separated hands, and chuckled lightly. Yes - she was just starting to get better when all the unpleasantness happened. Gin looked away again and took a long drag from his cigarette, trails of gray smoke curling and twisting into the night air.
"If yer still keen, I know of a few other dives n' joints we could go. Or we can always do sommin' else. Or if ya wanna go home, or ya want me to go, then...
"Well. I'd understand."
He planted the cigarette between his lips again and filled his lungs with the intoxicating substance.
"I'm sorry," he said again unconsciously. "I tried... Been tryin' all this time ta protect ya, n' it seems like I've only gotten ya hurt again. Been tryin' ta keep ya away, tryin' ta carry on like yer the lil' Ran I always knew, n' I'm the lil' Gin ya always knew. But it ain't really like that anymore."
You are someone else... I am still right here. What have I become?
"There's only so much that we can try n' pretend. But when I walked away that night, leaving ya behind sleepin' in those streets, I knew that I was lettin' ya go. I knew that I'd lost you."
I just... I never expected things... like this...
He raised his hand, and rested it on her hair on the side of her head. Her hair - it hadn't changed in 20 years. It was still smooth, it was still beautiful, and her expression was still the same as it had been when they were kids. His hand smoothed down the hair, flowing over the orange tresses until her cheek was in his palm.
I still love you.
...I love you.
And he had to physically pull his hand away from her face, his smile breaking into a 'heh'. He should have known - he should have known that it would end up like this. He should have known the moment he walked through the doors of the malt shop and felt like he was home.
He slipped that hand into his pocket and took another drag.
Ran had shifted to face him when he started apologizing again, and she listened with a growing sense of dread. Her heart clenched hard at his words, so hard it almost felt like physical pain, like someone had busted a fist through her ribcage, found her heart, and squeezed. Was he saying goodbye?
The first time he left her was something that had haunted her as much as it defined her. What had she done? What had she done wrong? Why wasn’t she good enough to keep? Why did he leave her? They were questions she’d fought practically her entire life, questions she’d never know the answer to… because she’d never be able to bring herself to ask him.
Things had changed since he left. She’d had to get strong on her own. Gin had been her world. And when he abandoned her, she’d had to build a new one from scratch or die trying. And from what she’d seen she’d done a damn sight better job in building hers than he had building his.
Then his hand slid through her hair and cupped her cheek, and Rangiku couldn’t help but lean into his touch. She wasn’t sure how long they stood like that, just looking at each other. She only knew that her cheek tingled with loss when he pulled back.
“You might have let me go,” she forced out through a tight throat. “But you haven’t lost me.”
It was stupid. It was incredibly, boneheadedly, wholeheartedly stupid. She was stupid. But if this was him trying to say goodbye, she couldn’t just let him go.
“Let me tell you a secret. I didn’t make that bet with you ‘cause I was desperate to learn the game. I wanted to see you. I know there’s a lot in your life you can’t tell me, and there’s a lot I don’t want to know, but I wanted to see what I could. And do you know what I see?”
Rangiku took a step closer to him. “I see you. You’re more than what you were, Gin. But you’re still who you are. And, no, I don’t like what you’re doing and yeah, I know we’re not kids anymore, but… I still don’t want you to go. So if my choice is to spend time with you while you’re doing what you’ve been doing since you left or for us to be strangers again… I choose to spend time with you.”
She knew it wasn’t that simple, that there was both more and less between them than there had been before. Like the way she could still almost feel his hand on her cheek, like the way she was pretty sure it was already too late to even try to intercede for the poor sap who’d caused all that trouble, like the expressions on her boys’ faces if they ever found out. They’d just have to figure something out. Because the important thing was that he was here. She didn’t want that to change.
Rangiku crossed her arms, looked away, and huffed, “Idiot. If you want to lose me, you’re going to have to try harder.”
Spitting what was left of the cigarette to the side, Gin exhaled strings of smoke into the air and extinguished the butt, swivelling his foot over it. He had known, somewhat, that the night wasn't just about pool. And he was happy that he could spend it with Ran.
Ran, who was standing there, arms folded, calling him an idiot.
He closed the distance between them, and wordlessly he wrapped his arms around her, pale, bony fingers curling into the fabric of her jacket. He held Ran in his arms, holding her against him, feeling how real and how warm she was.
"...sometimes, I don't like what I do either."
But it didn't really matter. He didn't come here to tell her all of that. He chose this - he had a choice. He could choose not to do what he was good at doing, and simply lay away to waste and rot on the streets. Or he could do what he did not always like doing, but make something of his life.
His grip around Ran tightened.
"But I don't wanna lose you." He didn't want to let go of her even though he should - even though he had to.
She saw Gin’s approach out of the corner of her eye and maybe should have been prepared for his embrace, but his arms wrapping around her was still unexpected. She tensed, feeling him press warm and solid against her. It was far from the first time they’d held each other, even that night on New Year’s, he’d kept her from falling just like this. But somehow, this felt… different. And something about it…
He was just so… Gin. And pressed against her like this Ran could feel how thin he really was, feel the hard lines and sharp angles of his body, smell the scent of his cigarette.
Melting into him was a mistake. She did it anyway. Her hands were trapped between them and she rectified this by sliding them around to his back. His words left her little choice if she believed them and, oh, she wanted to believe them. Tucking herself closer in response to his arms tightening around her, Rangiku let herself lean into him, wrap around him, keep him close.
“So don’t,” she whispered into his neck, so softly she had no way of knowing if he heard.
She could have stayed in the circle of his arms, just being close to him, just allowing her heart to feel that sense of completion-of home-she only felt with Gin. But eventually a sense of time started creeping back, and with it the sense that this had gone on long enough. She cared for Gin, she wanted him close, and she absolutely could not let herself get used to it.
Rangiku leaned back against his arms, her face inches from his, and gave him a wide, free grin. “Don’t think you can just hug me to make up for it every time you say something stupid.”
Slipping out away from Gin, Ran trailed one hand down his arm before clasping his hand in hers. “Come on,” she said, tugging his hand lightly, “I’ll let you walk me home.”
She said he didn’t have to lose her, like it was that easy.
And if only it were.
But the truth was that he was Gin and she was Ran, and that he chose to walk away from her. He chose to protect her, despite what she thought of him, despite how much she may have hated him for doing that. The only way he could protect her at the time was by leaving her behind - and even now, he was doing her great injustice by being with her.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out. She was supposed to become a figment of his imagination - a being from a time long ago he used to live with and know, someone whom he used to smile and laugh with, someone whom he had been through thick and thin with.
Regardless of how he felt about it, or how much he liked having Ran around and being with her, they were not supposed to meet again.
And it ached so much more now that they did meet again. It hurt to have to go through letting her go again, because even though Ran was the only one he wanted - the only thing in life he ever truly wanted - he could not have her.
Taking her hand, his smile widened and he fell in step next to her.
“Walk ya home, huh? I think I can manage that.”
Characters: Gin Ichiamaru (lcpdragonslayer), Rangiku Matsumoto (some_scribbles)
Timeline: February 22nd, 1950
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gin is a good teacher and Rangiku discovers the evils of a pool hall first hand.
Gin chose to focus on the game, watching the balls absently as they sprawled across the table, going in different paths, much like the way his thoughts and mind were being pulled in different directions.
"Why don't ya keep goin'?" he said blankly. That voice sounded unfamiliar, as if it were someone else speaking, as if he was not the one here, talking with Ran. It took a while before he could register it as his own voice.
"I'll go get ya another drink."
He turned away swiftly and headed to the bar, running a hand through his hair, sighing softly. Just... thinking about it - the monster inside - it unsettled him. The last person he wanted to be around in that frame of mind was Ran.
"Can I get uh... some corn n' a Tiger's Milk?"
"Sure thing, Gin."
He leaned against the bar, resting his chin on his palm, looking on idly.
"Hey Gin~"
He picked his head up and turned a little so he could see the patronising face from out of the corner of his eye. The girl slid an arm around his shoulder, leaning against him, smiling cheekily. Gin only put on his usual smile - even if he did feel like he wanted to rip that face apart.
"Nice catch - she's a fine dame."
"Ya think so?"
"For sure. Thought you weren't into pro skirts. How much didcha pay her to come out with you tonight?"
"She ain't like ya, missy. She's more than a cheap fuck."
Gin's smile widened as she bristled.
"Yer drinks, Gin."
"Thanks, bo."
He peeled that arm off from around his neck and picked up the drinks, ignoring the woman as he made his way back to Ran and the pool game.
"How're ya doin'?"
Rangiku shifted to look at him when Gin started speaking, turning around fully just in time to watch him walk away. She clenched her teeth, and watched him for maybe a moment too long before turning back to the table.
It was a little easier, without him there. It gave her room to breathe, to back up, to mess up as many times as she needed to-and she did. She shifted the stick around in her fingers, trying different positions before finally returning to the one Gin had said he used.
The gameplay took her around the table and once more she practiced hitting the white ball ‘in the center.’ She connected, and glanced up from the table, her gaze immediately drawn to Gin at the bar. A lithe little brunette had wrapped herself around him and he… let her.
She felt her stomach drop. She didn’t look away, as much as she wanted to; instead Ran narrowed her eyes. This was what she’d wanted to see, after all. Gin in his element. Which, apparently, was him walking away from her and into the arms of someone else.
Goddamnit.
She’d walked into this with her eyes wide opened. She’d gotten into it determined to take their time together moment by moment. He’d never given her any guarantees.
But so help her, she wanted to smash her cue stick over his head.
Turning back to the table with a vengeance, she somehow managed to sink three balls (one of them striped) before she shot straight up, startled at the sound of his voice.
She placed a hand over her rapidly beating heart and turned around to face him. “How do you do that?”
"Huh? Do what?"
He looked blankly at her for a moment, and held her drink out to her. She seemed... a lot different from before he left the game to go get the drinks.
What had happened in that minute or three?
When Ran took her drink, Gin moved over to the table and surveyed the game. She had done well - sunk two of her own balls, and... oh. One of his.
"Yer gettin' better," he noted with an innocent smile, taking a sip of his Tiger's Milk.
“Thanks,” she said and took a sip of her drink. She hated the way a part of her leapt at the fact that he remembered what she liked. Any one of a dozen birds she’d let buy her a drink would have done the same. It didn’t mean anything.
She couldn’t help flicking her gaze back to the bar. The little brunette had gone and cozied up to a brawny bird, and something sour twisted in her stomach.
Turning her attention back to Gin, she saw that he was studying the game. Leaning one hip on the table, Rangiku took the chance to take him in, letting her gaze wander from his face to his feet and back up again. He was really there, standing right in front of her, and he was as out of her reach as the moon.
She turned aside and placed her glass back on the table. She knew she couldn’t be a part of his world-especially since he seemed bound and determined not to let her-but that was what tonight was all about. Stealing a glimpse. She wasn’t trying to catch him, she wasn’t trying to keep him, she just wanted to see.
Rangiku took a deep breath before turned back to face Gin with a smile on her face. It was small, and it cost her, but it was real. She looked at him and shook her head, “It’s not usually that easy to sneak up on me. But you keep doing it, even that first night when I didn’t have a clue who you were.”
Realizing that she might have just let drop more than she wanted, Rangiku abruptly changed her tune. “So you said that you didn’t come here that often? What makes this place different than the places you normally go to?”
He took in another mouthful of his Tiger's Milk before placing it on the table to the side and picking up his cue stick. His gaze flickered over to Ran when she asked that question, and he had to stop and ponder for a bit.
"S'a nice place - too nice. The kinds of places I go to - they're the dark, dirty, unwelcoming kind. I know everyone there - n' they all know me - n' they're all trouble boys; heavy smokers, boozehounds, junkies n' many of them're far off the tracks."
There were plenty of reasons why he didn't want Ran to be going to those kinds of places - he had listed some, and he also did not want her to be harassed, nor did he want her to overhear the kinds of conversations they had, and the kinds of conversations Gin would invariably be having if he was there.
"I... Ya wouldn't feel safe, bein' in that kinda place. I'd probably have ta fend everyone off wit' mah cue stick," he said teasingly, making light of the situation. In reality, everyone would have been heeled and roscoes would be flying out of their holsters so fast that they would have reached a standoff even seconds after stepping into the joints.
And was that the kind of insight he wanted Ran to have on his life?
No - not exactly.
He walked around the table to get to the white ball and leaned over, getting ready to take his shot.
This place was too nice? Rangiku couldn’t help but glance around at that. It was… clean. Clean-ish. The lights were all working, and while there was an assortment of people there they mostly kept to their own groups, the low rumble of voices occasionally rising and falling. The drinks were good, not great.
She’d say that Selangor was pretty average for a bar, if a little run down and rough around the edges. He’d say it was too nice? What kind of places did he normally go to?
“Doesn’t that sound like fun,” she teased back. “Didn’t know you’d picked up fencing.”
She watched him move and get ready for his shot and flicked her gaze away, not wanting to let herself watch. Her attention returned to the bar. The brunette was gesticulating wildly while she pushed herself up against the bird and Ran decided that maybe she was better off watching Gin after all.
“It seems like you know plenty of people here too,” she kept her voice light, hoping he’d think she was referring to the way they’d been crowded when they first came in. “At least, they seem to know you.”
"Ya know I'd pick anythin' up if it meant keepin' ya safe-"
...He really needed to think and choose his words carefully before speaking. But he had already said it, and it was too late. Anyway, Gin was fully aware that Ran knew. She knew - she had to know why he insisted on keeping this distance between them. Why he insisted that he should be the one coming to see her, and not her coming to see him.
Ran was his business, and no one else's. That, and, he didn't want certain people to know about this.
She was the only thing he had outside of his damned world - the only shining silver coin amidst the pouch of dirty ones.
"They know me," he said simply, taking his shot. The tip of the cue stick snapped against the white ball, sending it flying towards the wall. It rebounded at an angle and sliced one of the striped ones, sending it off to the side pocket.
"I know most of 'em, but not personally. They all just wanna suck up to me cause of-..." He looked at Ran, smiling a bit. "Cause they seem ta think that I'm in charge of things."
"Ya know I'd pick anythin' up if it meant keepin' ya safe-"
Rangiku gulped at that and felt heat shoot straight through her at his words. All the hard-fought distance she’d won for herself since he walked away from her melted with it and for a moment she believed him, everything he said and didn’t say.
She had to look away. Ran knew in her heart, knew it deep in her bones, to her very marrow that Gin would never allow anyone to hurt her while he was around. It was not something she had ever, ever questioned. But to hear it reaffirmed like that…
Rangiku shook herself. She was a big girl now. She didn’t need him to take care of her anymore. She couldn’t let herself latch on to him. After all, he’d already proven he was more than capable of just walking away.
She turned back in time to see him make his shot. Ran sighed softly. He made it look so easy. Perversely, his reminder about just why people would be so friendly with him relaxed her. “That makes sense.”
It wasn’t that she was glad to be reminded of who he was-she’d never forgotten, even if she didn’t let herself think about it. It was just that it provided an explanation for the behavior she’d seen tonight, with everything from the way they’d been greeted to Gin’s friendly conversation at the other table to that Jane at the bar. Gin had never been… friendly. And yet every time she’d seen him out in public, whether at Cinq or here, he’d been crowded with people. Of course he’d have people cozying up to him, he was Someone.
Ran shook her head at the strangeness of it all before slanting him a sympathetic glance from under her lashes. “Must drive you nuts, huh?”
Gin went back to pick up his Tiger's Milk and took in a mouthful, leaning back against the wall and letting the cue stick rest in front of his feet and in his other hand. It was Ran's turn - she might actually win, if she could get the balls in.
He placed the glass back down on the table and straightened, walking back towards her.
"If ya want me ta be honest - yeah, it really does." Not just sometimes but all the time.
"I ain't anybody. I don't make the decisions or call the shots - I just get told what to do n' do what I can ta fulfill it."
Capo Bastone - it was just a title. It meant nothing, because Aizen was everything. Gin didn't mind it one bit - he just wished people could see that and stop hassling him.
That was also another reason why he did not come to a place like Selangor too often. The places he frequented - they knew that he was just a chess piece - a smoker, drinker, drug addict, killer and executioner - like everyone else.
It just so happened that Mister Aizen liked him.
"S'yer turn."
Rangiku started moving around the table. She considered the position of the balls carefully while trying to think of how to respond to that. She didn’t know the ins-and-outs of the mafia, of course, but it was hard to believe that everyone thought Gin had power he didn’t have. All the same… people were used to seeing what they wanted to see. And Gin had no reason to lie to her.
She glanced up at him and flashed him a grin, “Too bad you can’t just tell ‘em to sneak. The price of success,” she clucked her tongue in mock sympathy. “Just another burden for you to bear. People.”
Leaning over the table, Rangiku was about to take her shot when her hackles rose. Straightening up, she turned to find that the brawny bird the brunette had been chatting up trying to come up behind her. She cast a glance over to Gin as if to say, ‘See, I told you most people can’t sneak up on me,” before giving the bird her attention.
She met Brawny’s eyes and confidently leaned her hip against the pool table, still holding the cue stick in one hand. “Can I help you?”
Rangiku didn’t bother holding back an exasperated sigh when the bird’s eyes dropped from hers and began a slow track up her body. “Yeah, ya can. The dollie says your bo said you was more dan just a cheap fuck.”
Rangiku’s hand tightened on the cue stick and her eyes narrowed. “Is that so?”
“Yeah, so what I wanna know is dis,” he paused and dropped his gaze again, a leer twisting his mouth. “How much are you?”
Gin had noticed that big brute coming over in his peripheral vision long before Ran straightened up from the table, her shot interrupted. He chose not to say anything - they might have been lucky and the man was heading to another table.
But alas, that was not to be. Gin's smile faded a little when the brute spoke, and he looked over to the pro skirt. Found a way to get him back for his comment, evidently, but this was... cheap.
That and Gin didn't like how that brute was looking at... Ran's assets.
Ran could take care of herself, but this was between Gin and the pro skirt. That and he probably wouldn't be able to forgive himself if something happened to her.
He left the cue stick behind and walked around the table, smiling and strolling over casually. Pulling his jacket back ever so slightly, he undid the two buttons over his IWB holster, the silver plating over his gun glistening in the light for a brief second.
Gin's hand slipped casually into his pocket, concealing the gun again. He might not have needed it as of yet, but there was no telling what would happen. He didn't want things to turn out like this, but...
Bah.
Smiling lazily, he placed the back of his hand against the brute's chest. He may have been of a smaller build, but Gin could fight. He just did not want to be the one to start it, with all the spectators looking on.
"She ain't fer sale, bo. Why don'tcha jus' back off, huh?"
Rangiku felt her eyes widen at his words. She wasn’t surprised he had stepped in front of her, a little irritated, but not surprised, but then he had to go and act like he had a say in it. She wondered if Gin could sound more like her John if he tried.
A feeling of dread crept down her spine. She’d wondered, before, if that’s what he thought of her. She’d given him the opportunity to ask. He never did. And it wasn’t something she could just say. Now this had happened, and she couldn’t think of a worse way for it to come up.
Familiar feelings of shame twisted in her stomach to be replaced an instant later by an equally familiar anger. She was tempted to just march up between the two of them and give them both a piece of her mind along with some liberal assistance from her cue stick, but Rangiku knew that was the last thing she should do. If the things worked here worked any way liked they worked on the streets, reputation was everything. Her stepping in now that Gin had taken up the challenge would just undermine him.
Damn it. She was right where she didn’t want to be-depending on him again.
Brawny twisted his head and spat on the floor by Gin’s feet. “Looks like Chippy’s got plenty to go around. M’ money’s just as good as yours. Get outta my way, ya piece of shit.”
He reached out and shoved Gin on the shoulder, already ignoring Gin as he locked gazes with her. Rangiku grit her teeth and met Brawny’s gaze straight on.
He sighed quietly. Some people never learned - but then he was not quite expecting someone like that man to have any brains. No one with two decent-sized brain cells would challenge Gin Ichimaru - not unless they wanted their arteries sliced open and have Gin lick the blood off on some unknown, dingy side street.
And have their family massacred, as well.
Spidery, bony fingers crept up towards the back of the brute’s neck, and Gin slipped two fingers into the collar of the brute’s shirt as he tried to walk past. Giving it a rough tug, Gin brought the brute down falling to the floor with just his two fingers.
A look of surprise and confusion flashed across the brute’s face, but before his back even met the ground, Gin’s fist collided into the brute’s cheek, snapping the head to the side.
Standing over the curled, coughing and groaning body, Gin’s smile widened - but his malevolent, menacing smile was nothing like the ones he used with Ran.
He could tear this guy apart right now like it was nobody’s business, and it was taking a lot of energy to control himself from doing so.
“I don’t think ya heard me, bo. I said she ain’t fer sale. Ya jus’ try touchin’ her wit’ those filthy hands o’ yers - I’ll cut ‘em off n’ send ‘em to yer mum’s fuckin’ doorstep.”
Rangiku could see that Gin was holding himself back. It was in the tense line of his shoulders, in the way that he spoke, in the fact that the other man was still breathing.
He was… really good at this. He’d pulled Brawny back and slugged him in the same smooth movement. It was all the promise of violence that he had when they were young, every hint of utter indifference towards anyone else but the two of them, every flicker of enjoyment of someone else’s pain fulfilled.
Ran felt her heart clench. She was scared. Not for herself or for the man groaning on the floor, but for Gin. What had he let himself become?
The Brunos from the other table started making their way over-probably to offer to hold Brawny down so Gin could make good on his threat. She really didn’t want to see that. But what could she do? Gin couldn’t be seen backing down, she knew that, and if she made a big deal out of this would he ever trust her to go anywhere with him again?
And what was she supposed to do after they ‘took care of it?’ Have another drink and get back to the game? Knowing that she could have stopped it, feeling everyone’s eyes on her? She wouldn’t be able to bear that.
Then again, maybe that was something she could use. Everyone in this place was going to assume she was Gin’s, especially after this little display. She could play that part.
Laying her cue stick on the table behind her, Rangiku took a deep breath before allowing herself to prowl over to Gin’s side. She didn’t speak to him, addressing her words to the man on the ground instead.
“I know you might find this hard to believe, but some men? Don’t have to pay for sex.” Ran slid her hand around to rest it on the small of Gin’s back, pressing herself lightly against his side. “They get it for free because they are so. Damn. Good.” She raised her other hand to Gin’s opposite shoulder and trailed her fingertips down his chest in a lazy Z, stopping just above his belt buckle. Letting her hand rest flat against his stomach she turned to press against him fully, catching his eyes and pitching her voice in an appealing pout for the benefit of their audience. “Let’s go, baby. This place is getting stale.”
Let them think they were leaving because she was so turned on she couldn’t wait. No one would think twice about that.
Gin was intent on showing the brute exactly how much of a 'piece of shit' the Capo Bastone really was when he felt Ran stand close. She was one of the two people who had the end of the leash - one of only two who could control the bloodthirsty monster gnashing at the brute's heels.
He felt Ran's hand, Ran's touch, and his smile faded ever so slightly. He was once again reminded of why he was here - why she was here - and this was the very thing he wanted to keep her away from.
The malicious smile melded into a softer one, and Gin swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth.
Without saying anything to break the silence, he walked away. The brute was not going to wake up the next morning, regardless of what happened now, and it would be better this way if he took Ran with him.
At least, she would not get to watch. She probably knew - but it might have been easier on her if she did not see.
They stepped out into the streets, where it was cooler, where the night air knew nothing of what happened inside. He sighed and reached into his pockets, fiddling with the packet of tobacco and paper, still remaining quiet as he rolled himself a cigarette.
Rangiku stayed close to Gin as they walked out, the silence tense and tight between them. She could feel her heart pounding and kept her gaze straight ahead, watching Gin in her periphery vision until a flash of dark hair caught her eye. It was the brunette. She’d sat down abruptly as they walked past, and for a brief moment Rangiku met her dark eyes. They were scared, angry, and didn’t hold the slightest shade of regret. Ran swallowed, slid a little closer to Gin, and kept walking.
The night air was cool and clear and exactly what she needed. They walked a little way in silence as Gin rolled himself a gasper.
She gave him space, she gave him time. She needed some herself. Her heart was heavy with the knowledge she’d come to find. After a moment, she looked up at him again, at the way he stood in the shadows, hiding the expression on his face even though she knew it would be set in that same smile. Taking a deep breath, Ran stopped walking.
“Let me see your hand,” she said softly.
Planting the cigarette between his lips, he groped around in his pockets for his lighter and pulled it out, flicking the lid open and bringing the open flame to the end of the small smoke.
He sighed quietly through his nose as he slipped the lighter back into the deep recesses of his pocket. The smoke was... refreshing, relaxing and rejuvenating.
At Ran's request, he turned to look at her, his smile giving away nothing. He turned back to look down at the back of his hand. It was shaking ever so slightly, but at least the skin did not come off.
He used to have callouses over his knuckles, but they have long faded. Now they were just slightly red and raw.
It did not really hurt, per se. It looked worse than it really was.
Wordlessly, he held his hand out to her.
Rangiku took his hand in both of hers and used it to pull him gently into a warm circle of lamplight. His hand was cool, and she instinctively ran her thumbs over his knuckles, tentatively at first and then a bit more insistently as she bent her head to inspect his hand. His knuckles were red and raw, but it didn’t feel like anything had broken or bruised. Ran gentled her touch, shifting her thumbs so that they traced just under his knuckles as she frowned down at his hand.
“It doesn’t look that bad.’
She still cared about him. It was crazy, she knew. Gin had left her. He’d walked away and he hadn’t looked back. He’d joined a world worse than the one she’d tried so hard to leave behind, where violence was as commonplace as breathing. And he exalted in it. He hadn’t seemed to enjoy himself more at any other point that night then when he’d been standing over Brawny, ready and willing to tear him apart. It was crazy. But she still cared about him. She couldn’t deny that anymore than she could deny who he was. She cared about him.
And she still cared about his opinion of her.
Rangiku watched her thumbs slide over his hand only half aware that she was still doing it, and took courage in the fact that he was letting her touch him. If he’d made up his mind that she’d turned into a worker, he would never have let her near him, unless more about him had changed than she’d seen. It would be better to just get this over with.
“I never did, you know. It’s okay, I know you had to have wondered. If I ever… went pro. And I never did,” she lifted her gaze from his hand and sought Gin’s eyes, something fierce sparking in her own. “Not once.”
Taking a few steps into the dim light, Gin's gaze remained fixated on his hand, and the way Ran... caressed it. Her touch was gentle - he wondered if she was like this with everyone, with all her friends, because he was only ever gentle with her. She had been the only one who could make him laugh - really laugh, either from the silly things she said or did - even though there really was nothing to laugh about, being kids in their predicament.
His fingers curled a little and twitched in her light grip. He did not know how someone like her could... make him like this. He liked to think that he left her because he didn't want her to come along to his world, but perhaps he had left because she was one of the few things that could inhibit him and these... primal desires. Perhaps he really was the selfish one, wanting to be free, wanting to do what he felt like he was born capable of and good at doing.
Or perhaps he had foreseen that things would become like this.
That he would see her as more than just a friend.
"Actually, in the almost twenty years that we've been apart, that thought had never crossed my mind," he said quietly. Call it stupid, or crazy, but he knew.
He knew that she wouldn't.
And, well, even if she did, he had chosen to leave her behind. It was her life, and it was her decision, and he had no say anymore. If anything, he was the last person who should be saying anything.
He had seen those eyes before - it must have been a lifetime ago, but he remembered them. They were... oddly familiar, and distinct from everything else that he knew.
"I'm sorry," he said, and his smile widened. He pulled his hand away from her grasp and turned away. "I didn't... Things shouldn't have turned out the way they did tonight."
Rangiku caught her breath when he spoke and went absolutely still. It hadn’t… crossed his mind. He didn’t think of her like that. Relief and something else, strong and sweet, crashed over her and for a moment she almost felt dizzy with the sudden surge of affection she felt towards him.
He never thought she would. Even Captain Harrison had tried to marry her off as soon as she could-just another form of pimping as far as Ran had been concerned. But Gin… and coming from him…
The rush of elation faded into something bittersweet, bringing an ache to her pleasure when she let him slide his hand free of hers and watched him turn away.
Damn it, Gin. Why do you make it so hard for me to keep you away?
“S’all right,” she said, clamping down on her urge to latch onto Gin’s arm and swing in close so that she could see his face. Instead she shifted so that once again Ran stood at his side, giving him space and eyeing the way his cigarette simultaneously illuminated him while casting him in shadow. “You don’t need to apologize. It wasn’t your fault.”
She was silent for a moment, at loss for what to say. The evening had definitely not gone as she’d expected. She wasn’t sure what she’d thought would happen, but everything from the pool lesson to, well, getting him to leave… they definitely weren’t on the list. All the same, she’d come there for a glimpse into Gin’s world… and that is exactly what she’d got.
And that was something she’d think about later, when he wasn’t standing right next to her and not looking at her. Ran bumped her hand against his experimentally, in a bid for his attention. “It’s too bad, though. I felt like I was finally starting to handle the stick right.” She slid her gaze up towards him and gave him a cheeky grin.
He looked down at their separated hands, and chuckled lightly. Yes - she was just starting to get better when all the unpleasantness happened. Gin looked away again and took a long drag from his cigarette, trails of gray smoke curling and twisting into the night air.
"If yer still keen, I know of a few other dives n' joints we could go. Or we can always do sommin' else. Or if ya wanna go home, or ya want me to go, then...
"Well. I'd understand."
He planted the cigarette between his lips again and filled his lungs with the intoxicating substance.
"I'm sorry," he said again unconsciously. "I tried... Been tryin' all this time ta protect ya, n' it seems like I've only gotten ya hurt again. Been tryin' ta keep ya away, tryin' ta carry on like yer the lil' Ran I always knew, n' I'm the lil' Gin ya always knew. But it ain't really like that anymore."
You are someone else... I am still right here. What have I become?
"There's only so much that we can try n' pretend. But when I walked away that night, leaving ya behind sleepin' in those streets, I knew that I was lettin' ya go. I knew that I'd lost you."
I just... I never expected things... like this...
He raised his hand, and rested it on her hair on the side of her head. Her hair - it hadn't changed in 20 years. It was still smooth, it was still beautiful, and her expression was still the same as it had been when they were kids. His hand smoothed down the hair, flowing over the orange tresses until her cheek was in his palm.
I still love you.
...I love you.
And he had to physically pull his hand away from her face, his smile breaking into a 'heh'. He should have known - he should have known that it would end up like this. He should have known the moment he walked through the doors of the malt shop and felt like he was home.
He slipped that hand into his pocket and took another drag.
Ran had shifted to face him when he started apologizing again, and she listened with a growing sense of dread. Her heart clenched hard at his words, so hard it almost felt like physical pain, like someone had busted a fist through her ribcage, found her heart, and squeezed. Was he saying goodbye?
The first time he left her was something that had haunted her as much as it defined her. What had she done? What had she done wrong? Why wasn’t she good enough to keep? Why did he leave her? They were questions she’d fought practically her entire life, questions she’d never know the answer to… because she’d never be able to bring herself to ask him.
Things had changed since he left. She’d had to get strong on her own. Gin had been her world. And when he abandoned her, she’d had to build a new one from scratch or die trying. And from what she’d seen she’d done a damn sight better job in building hers than he had building his.
Then his hand slid through her hair and cupped her cheek, and Rangiku couldn’t help but lean into his touch. She wasn’t sure how long they stood like that, just looking at each other. She only knew that her cheek tingled with loss when he pulled back.
“You might have let me go,” she forced out through a tight throat. “But you haven’t lost me.”
It was stupid. It was incredibly, boneheadedly, wholeheartedly stupid. She was stupid. But if this was him trying to say goodbye, she couldn’t just let him go.
“Let me tell you a secret. I didn’t make that bet with you ‘cause I was desperate to learn the game. I wanted to see you. I know there’s a lot in your life you can’t tell me, and there’s a lot I don’t want to know, but I wanted to see what I could. And do you know what I see?”
Rangiku took a step closer to him. “I see you. You’re more than what you were, Gin. But you’re still who you are. And, no, I don’t like what you’re doing and yeah, I know we’re not kids anymore, but… I still don’t want you to go. So if my choice is to spend time with you while you’re doing what you’ve been doing since you left or for us to be strangers again… I choose to spend time with you.”
She knew it wasn’t that simple, that there was both more and less between them than there had been before. Like the way she could still almost feel his hand on her cheek, like the way she was pretty sure it was already too late to even try to intercede for the poor sap who’d caused all that trouble, like the expressions on her boys’ faces if they ever found out. They’d just have to figure something out. Because the important thing was that he was here. She didn’t want that to change.
Rangiku crossed her arms, looked away, and huffed, “Idiot. If you want to lose me, you’re going to have to try harder.”
Spitting what was left of the cigarette to the side, Gin exhaled strings of smoke into the air and extinguished the butt, swivelling his foot over it. He had known, somewhat, that the night wasn't just about pool. And he was happy that he could spend it with Ran.
Ran, who was standing there, arms folded, calling him an idiot.
He closed the distance between them, and wordlessly he wrapped his arms around her, pale, bony fingers curling into the fabric of her jacket. He held Ran in his arms, holding her against him, feeling how real and how warm she was.
"...sometimes, I don't like what I do either."
But it didn't really matter. He didn't come here to tell her all of that. He chose this - he had a choice. He could choose not to do what he was good at doing, and simply lay away to waste and rot on the streets. Or he could do what he did not always like doing, but make something of his life.
His grip around Ran tightened.
"But I don't wanna lose you." He didn't want to let go of her even though he should - even though he had to.
She saw Gin’s approach out of the corner of her eye and maybe should have been prepared for his embrace, but his arms wrapping around her was still unexpected. She tensed, feeling him press warm and solid against her. It was far from the first time they’d held each other, even that night on New Year’s, he’d kept her from falling just like this. But somehow, this felt… different. And something about it…
He was just so… Gin. And pressed against her like this Ran could feel how thin he really was, feel the hard lines and sharp angles of his body, smell the scent of his cigarette.
Melting into him was a mistake. She did it anyway. Her hands were trapped between them and she rectified this by sliding them around to his back. His words left her little choice if she believed them and, oh, she wanted to believe them. Tucking herself closer in response to his arms tightening around her, Rangiku let herself lean into him, wrap around him, keep him close.
“So don’t,” she whispered into his neck, so softly she had no way of knowing if he heard.
She could have stayed in the circle of his arms, just being close to him, just allowing her heart to feel that sense of completion-of home-she only felt with Gin. But eventually a sense of time started creeping back, and with it the sense that this had gone on long enough. She cared for Gin, she wanted him close, and she absolutely could not let herself get used to it.
Rangiku leaned back against his arms, her face inches from his, and gave him a wide, free grin. “Don’t think you can just hug me to make up for it every time you say something stupid.”
Slipping out away from Gin, Ran trailed one hand down his arm before clasping his hand in hers. “Come on,” she said, tugging his hand lightly, “I’ll let you walk me home.”
She said he didn’t have to lose her, like it was that easy.
And if only it were.
But the truth was that he was Gin and she was Ran, and that he chose to walk away from her. He chose to protect her, despite what she thought of him, despite how much she may have hated him for doing that. The only way he could protect her at the time was by leaving her behind - and even now, he was doing her great injustice by being with her.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to turn out. She was supposed to become a figment of his imagination - a being from a time long ago he used to live with and know, someone whom he used to smile and laugh with, someone whom he had been through thick and thin with.
Regardless of how he felt about it, or how much he liked having Ran around and being with her, they were not supposed to meet again.
And it ached so much more now that they did meet again. It hurt to have to go through letting her go again, because even though Ran was the only one he wanted - the only thing in life he ever truly wanted - he could not have her.
Taking her hand, his smile widened and he fell in step next to her.
“Walk ya home, huh? I think I can manage that.”