I Want To Live! (Side Story) Part (1/2)
Title: I Want To Live! (Side story) Part (1/2)
Pairing: (Main) KyuMin, (Side) KangTeuk, HanChul, SiMin (one-sided only)
Genre: Angst, attempted humour (might fail miserably) and romance
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Seriously, do I have to do this everytime?! *annoyed* The boys don’t belong to me. PERIOD.
Notes: Words in ‘italics’ are thoughts/flashbacks.
Summary: Siwon reflects on his past; of bonds, love and endurance with the only one person he cares about- Lee Sungmin. They grew up together, trained together, ate together and even killed together. So why couldn’t he catch Sungmin’s heart?
Main Summary: Lee Sungmin is a trained hitman by the codename ‘MIN’. His only sole purpose is to kill his assignments regardless of their backgrounds. So why did, one fateful night, on the brink of death, he met Cho Kyuhyun? The one who taught him the meaning of life. But then why life, had to be so full of twisted humour?
He hated to admit it.
Wasn’t he supposed to be a professional?
For years, he had been trained to be the best of the best. To not allow his emotions to get the better of him. And yet, here he is, on this wretched building’s rooftop, using his binoculars to spy on Sungmin who was lying low, waiting for his target to arrive. They’d been waiting for the past five hours under the bloody hot sun, making sure that nothing will go wrong and even if it did, Siwon would be the backup and finish the assignment. That was the original plan.
Siwon sighed. The confession was a dumb thing to do for he had originally planned to not tell Sungmin about his feelings at all but, for that short period of time, he just lost all rationality and blurted everything out regardless of the consequences. How in the world did things get so messy?!
Simple.
Because Sungmin ignored him. Because Sungmin pushed him away. Because Sungmin no longer looked at him. And most importantly, because Sungmin couldn’t reciprocate his love.
Siwon wanted to scream, to lash out and to break something to vent all his bottled frustrations. There was also the option to just kidnap Sungmin, to lock him up forever because only then, would he truly belong to him. To love another man was a grave sin, he knew that. Nothing good will ever come out from this fruitless love. It was a one way ticket to hell or so that’s what he believed because there was no happy outcome for this forbidden relationship. But he’d forsaken all that crap when he began to open his heart to the only one person that truly cared for him.
Lee Sungmin.
The gentleness and kindness in that man were what that brought Siwon out of his death-like trance. It was like a breath of fresh air in this dank and putrid darkness. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to protect him and to cherish him. If he could, he would have taken Sungmin far, far away from the Headquarters and never to be seen or heard of from again. However, he was too weak. Pathetically weak. He just didn’t have the power or guts to whisk Sungmin off his feet to a place where it will truly belong to both of them. The world just wasn’t big enough for them to hide from the Headquarters.
***FLASHBACK***
-17 years ago-
He’d come from a well-to-do family with a father who was a busy businessman and partner in a large corporate firm whilst his beautiful mother was a full-time housewife who spent most of her time beautifying herself and gossiping with other rich wives. Because he is the only son, much is expected of him. To learn the violin, the piano, to master various languages such as French, English and Japanese, and to be the top in his class in academics and sports. Of course he hated all that. He would always play truant or sneak out to play whenever he gets the chance. Back then, he was a mischievous but scrawny little kid who would often get into trouble with the other neighbouring kids and be reprimanded severely by his parents for his uncouth behaviour.
But to Siwon, it was a blessing in disguise. He would always be secretly happy whenever he is able to attract the attention of his ever so busy parents. They were all avid churchgoers and he remembered that he had looked forward to Sundays because that special day was the only day he gets to spend some real time with his parents.
Then the good times fell from bad to worse and in a whirlpool of events, his father’s business went bankrupt and his mother’s beautiful and precious jewelleries had to be pawned off one by one to pay off his endless debts. Soon, they were fighting and quarrelling over the slightest of problems every single day over their poverty. He didn’t understand the seriousness of their condition because he was only eight years old. All he knew was that there was no longer anyone to serve him, to dress him up or to entertain him and all his so-called rich friends had turned their backs on him and shunned him, calling him names and laughed at his pitiful condition.
But still, he didn’t care because he still had his family. So, he watched as they were forced to leave their big and luxurious house and expensive cars behind to a small and worn out apartment somewhere in the ghetto part of the city which barely fitted the three of them under its roof. It smelt of wet dogs and the walls were thin and in serious need of a paintjob. It looked as if the whole place would collapse if he so much as moved. When it rained, there would be water leaking from the ceiling and when it was winter, they would huddle together from the cold. To little Siwon, he couldn’t ask for more because being like this made his really happy and contented, the warmth in his heart was enough to warm his frozen little toes.
One day, when he came back from running errands, soaked to the bone from the heavy rain, he found both his parents kneeling down in the centre of the apartment, facing a man in a black trenchcoat whose facial features were obscured by the big hat he was wearing. In between them was a large metal suitcase filled with wads of cash. The atmosphere was just too cold, colder from the rain and wind howling outside. “Umma? Appa?” He called. “Who is this man?” He blinked curiously as he approached them. His mother was sobbing by his father’s side and they both avoided looking at him in the eye, chewing their lips, clenching and unclenching their fists as they fidgeted under his innocent gaze.
The man in black spoke first, his voice deep and serious. “Siwon, I presume?” Siwon nodded cautiously, his body trembling slightly as he took a step back. Something about this man was making him scared. “You’re coming with me.” With that said, he grabbed Siwon’s arm. But Siwon didn’t want to go! He thrashed and he struggled, calling out with all his little might for his parents to save him from this bad man who wanted to force him from his parents’ side. His little hands reached out for them, desperate for somebody to tell him that this was just a terrible joke.
“Siwon, please understand.” His father said with a resigned tone, the haggard eyes and deepened wrinkles made him looking older than his real age. Siwon stopped, his face contorted with disappointment and grief. “We could no longer feed ourselves.” His mother cried even harder, her face hidden from view and her delicate body wracked with shudder after shudder.
“NOOO!!! UMMA! APPA!!” He continued screaming. But they just ignored him as he was carried away almost forcefully and into the unrelenting rain. They didn’t even spare one last glance to him. The heavy downpour was washing away his bonds with his parents, never leaving a single mark that he was his parents’ son. The empty hollowness inside of him was slowly spreading, eating him alive from within as despair chuckled all around him. He didn’t quite remember what actually happened after that. A small part of him had ‘died’ that night.
The next time he was conscious of his surroundings, he was in a room full with other kids around his age. Some were in rags and looking malnourished whilst some were whining and wallowing in self-pity from their own little corners. Everyone looked scared and worried but he couldn’t care less about the other kids. All he wanted was to just disappear from this world that neither loved him nor care about his well-being.
Out of the corner of his puffy red eye, he caught sight of a Bible and for some strange reason, he reached out for it, feeling the weight of the holy book in his hands. It reminded him of his parents; of the times where his parents, whenever they have the free time to pay what little attention to him, would tell him that God is great and that everything belongs to Him and was His to give and take. But that was all in the past. Pulling his skinny legs to his chest, he rocked to and fro, his mind blank and his eyes dry and irritated for he could no longer cry sad tears for himself anymore.
Then suddenly, a blanket was thrown around him. “You could catch a cold.” Siwon looked up to see a young skinny boy who was probably slightly older than him but was somewhat radiating an aura of maturity. The oddest thing was that there was a bunny soft toy in one of his arms. And all Siwon wondered was that why the heck was his cheeks so chubby while the rest of his body looked like it needed more flesh? “My name is Lee Sungmin.” The other boy said as he held out his hand. Siwon looked blankly at the outstretched hand, wondering if it was safe to hold it. Silence passed between them and the other boy slowly withdrew his hand. “Yah! Don’t you know that it’s basic common sense to greet people older than you?!”
“You’re talking to me?”
Sungmin knocked his head with his fist. “Do I look stupid? Of course I’m talking to you!” He glared at Siwon with annoyance. “And you should call me hyung. Sungmin hyung! I am after all older than you!! Or at least I think I am.” He screatched the back of his head and eyed Siwon closely. “Oh? You read the Bible?” Without further ado, Sungmin plopped himself down beside Siwon and picked up the hard bound book, flipping the pages and feeling the texture of the thin pages with his fingers. “You know, my mum told me that we are all loved by God and that we would one day return to Him.” Heaving a sigh, Sungmin looked down with sad eyes. “I guess that my parents have returned to Him.”
Suddenly, there was this bright smile on his face, making Siwon wonder whether this kid was bipolar. “However, however, my parents gave me this!” He pushed a pink fluffy bunny in front of his face. Siwon looked at the soft toy with utter disgust. “This is Mr. Bunny! Isn’t he cute and adorable? From today onwards, we’re all going to be great friends. Since I’m older, I have to take care of you.” Sungmin chattered away happily and Siwon was beginning to believe that Sungmin had been dropped on his head when he was a baby for he was seriously acting like some sort of retard. “You still haven’t told me your name.” Sungmin pouted, puffing his cheeks out in a very comical way.
Gently massaging the painful spot where Sungmin had hit, Siwon was overwhelmed with a strange feeling. All he ever wanted was attention. All he wanted was somebody to notice him. All he ever wanted was that his existence to be recognised. He wanted to tell this talkative older boy that he hated the Bible and anything that reminded him of his parents who forsook and sold their only son to some stranger because they were hungry! He wanted to scream and to shout all his frustration to be born into a world unloved and uncared for. But he couldn’t so instead, tears started to roll continuously down his cheeks as he stared at a flabbergasted Sungmin.
“Yah! I didn’t even hit you that hard!” Sungmin flailed as his coolness had started to fade away, clearly unsure on how to deal with a crying kid. “Stop crying! Oi!” But the tears continued to fall and Siwon hiccupped. He didn’t know how to stop and hated his pitiable weakness.
“Aish!!” In a swift movement, Sungmin grabbed hold of Siwon and hugged him, further surprising a wide eyed Siwon. “Just don’t cry anymore.” He patted awkwardly at Siwon’s back as an attempt to soothe a trembling Siwon down but it only made it worse. The floodgates just burst open and Siwon was now bawling his eyes out, his entire body shuddering with the raw emotion enveloping him.
This was the only thing he wanted.
To be loved.
And this strange older hyung had done it effortlessly what his parents couldn’t. It was what he had craved and yearned for. He didn’t need the luxuries showered onto him and he didn’t need people to grovel at his feet. All he craved for was love. After some time of crying and Sungmin’s awkward attempts to calm him down, he finally quieted down to small hiccupping and sniffling. “There, there.” Sungmin continued to soothe him. “It must’ve been hard on you. You’re alright now. Here, I’ll share Mr. Bunny with you if you stop crying.”
Siwon nodded tentatively and clutched the Bible even closer to his chest. It was because of this Bible that Lee Sungmin had started to talk to him. No matter how much he hated his parents, he was willing to take in what he hated and turn it into something meaningful for this boy who missed his own parents. Their newly forged friendship would be stronger than anything in this world and from that moment onwards, Siwon swore that he will never allow anything to come in between them. On that very fateful day, seventeen years ago, he and Sungmin forged a bond so strong that no force on Earth would be able to shatter it.
That night they slept in the same bed, keeping each other warm with their own body heat and to mend their broken hearts. It was also the very same night, the old Choi Siwon died and was reborn into the Choi Siwon that Lee Sungmin could always depend on. No matter how difficult and terrible life would be in the future.
Yes, his existence is only for Sungmin’s sake.
-to be continued in part 2-
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A/N: I think I cried a little when I wrote this because Siwon’s childhood life is was hard and really pitiful but his feelings for Sungmin had not turned into something more serious yet. It will happen eventually. Right now, they’re just kids who depend on each other for love and support.
Sorry for the short update. This chapter was originally one but it became too long and so I had to split it into two...again. But fret not! I will update the next part in another few days so keep your fingers crossed. Hehehe... XDXD