I am 21.
And it makes no difference.
I'm sad i didn't hear about Maxence that special day. Maybe he didn't know, maybe he could not, maybe he does not care.
All of that is really troubling me.
My current loneliness does make me feel like that, right? It can't be but that.
How is it only possible to be in love with three men at the same time?
Or what i'm feeling for Toshiya isn't love, what i'm feeling for Neall isn't love, and what i'm feeling for Maxence isn't either.
That makes it a bit simplier.
But i don't know how to explain.
I so would like to share so much beautiful things with him. To be with him, and to be in his arms again.
Argh, i hate myself and my falling in love too late.
I'm afraid i'm in love.
He understands me so well, and i feel so good when i'm with him. Well, when i was.
I hate that situation.
Once he's away... well, i'm needing him. It's unfair.
Okay, that is because of my feeling lonely, i said.
So, all i have to do, is to meet someone.
Or not thinking about it.
All i have to do is to find someone, a young man (cause i guess they're younger than me in that class), handsome enough so i can put my interest in him. That will entertain my mind.
Just as i used to do with Neall.
Well, okay, Neall was not only 'handsome'. He had... 'something'. His hands, his face, his voice... and his cutely awkward laughter lol.
Any way. There's no Neall here xD
I guess i'll find someone else...
Oh, i'd love so much Maxence and i to have a chance together.
But what we used to share was so great, so pure, so beautiful...
I'm so scared to lose it.
And once you're a 'couple' it's not the same.
I don't want us to hate each other someday. Being a couple maybe dangerous. Falling in love is dangerous.
I would like so much our relationship to remain as it is. So simple. But so strong at the same time.
And... i won't ever dare telling him.
First, it kills me to know, we'll never meet again... until Christmas. And he's likely to have so much to do then, i'm afraid we won't meet finally.
But his arms would really be my most beautiful present ever. The same as for my birthday, which i couldn't have.
It's difficult to explain how i'm feeling.
Somehow, to 'understand' these feelings makes me happy, but at the same time, it scares me.
I'm cared he'll reject me, because 'it's too late'.
And even if he accepts me, we won't be together any more.
Oh, i could come back... for him. I'll return in my former uni. If i can be with him.
But it's scary... i don't want to hurt him, and i don't want to be hurt either.
I know love is made of it, but you see, he's so dear to my heart i don't want to spoil my memories.
But that's also because of such beautiful memories that i need him more.
That night when we danced together, without a word... when he could see i was not feeling good... and when we walked into the town by night, without a word... i want it to last forever....
My own heart is so cruel to myself.
Aw, Maxence, i want you back so badly.
I so want to be in his arms, i just love that feeling, that perfume, and his head resting on mine.
I'm so fucking crazy.
I would like to get my answer, now.
But i want to try.
I'm always thinking "yeah, no, yeah, no, well... maybe... but maybe not...", never taking a decision, and missing all chances.
I want to try... something different from what i've known til today. And someone different, because he's so different. He's simple, caring, funny, and... well i don't know.
I'm afraid i'm in love.
But how much time will i have to wait? first, to get an answer, to know? and then, to... live it.
I'm afraid to hurt, to spoil, to hate... but, hollyfuckinshit, if i don't try, i'll never know.
And i want to know how it's like, to walk beside him.
But's it's been so long, i will need much patience again, and it hurts.
I think i'll wait a bit, before telling him. I don't want to hurt him.
I'll wait until i get a reply from him, at least.
Maxence, i need you so, please come back, please don't forget me, and please forgive me.
I couldn't decide what was inappropriate, what needed to be stroken, maybe it was the contrary.
I'm sad i didn't hear about Maxence that special day. Maybe he didn't know, maybe he could not, maybe he does not care.
All of that is really troubling me.
My current loneliness does make me feel like that, right? It can't be but that.
How is it only possible to be in love with three men at the same time?
Or what i'm feeling for Toshiya isn't love, what i'm feeling for Neall isn't love, and what i'm feeling for Maxence isn't either.
That makes it a bit simplier.
But i don't know how to explain.
I so would like to share so much beautiful things with him. To be with him, and to be in his arms again.
Argh, i hate myself and my falling in love too late.
I'm afraid i'm in love.
He understands me so well, and i feel so good when i'm with him. Well, when i was.
I hate that situation.
Once he's away... well, i'm needing him. It's unfair.
Okay, that is because of my feeling lonely, i said.
So, all i have to do, is to meet someone.
Or not thinking about it.
All i have to do is to find someone, a young man (cause i guess they're younger than me in that class), handsome enough so i can put my interest in him. That will entertain my mind.
Just as i used to do with Neall.
Well, okay, Neall was not only 'handsome'. He had... 'something'. His hands, his face, his voice... and his cutely awkward laughter lol.
Any way. There's no Neall here xD
I guess i'll find someone else...
Oh, i'd love so much Maxence and i to have a chance together.
But what we used to share was so great, so pure, so beautiful...
I'm so scared to lose it.
And once you're a 'couple' it's not the same.
I don't want us to hate each other someday. Being a couple maybe dangerous. Falling in love is dangerous.
I would like so much our relationship to remain as it is. So simple. But so strong at the same time.
And... i won't ever dare telling him.
First, it kills me to know, we'll never meet again... until Christmas. And he's likely to have so much to do then, i'm afraid we won't meet finally.
But his arms would really be my most beautiful present ever. The same as for my birthday, which i couldn't have.
It's difficult to explain how i'm feeling.
Somehow, to 'understand' these feelings makes me happy, but at the same time, it scares me.
I'm cared he'll reject me, because 'it's too late'.
And even if he accepts me, we won't be together any more.
Oh, i could come back... for him. I'll return in my former uni. If i can be with him.
But it's scary... i don't want to hurt him, and i don't want to be hurt either.
I know love is made of it, but you see, he's so dear to my heart i don't want to spoil my memories.
But that's also because of such beautiful memories that i need him more.
That night when we danced together, without a word... when he could see i was not feeling good... and when we walked into the town by night, without a word... i want it to last forever....
My own heart is so cruel to myself.
Aw, Maxence, i want you back so badly.
I so want to be in his arms, i just love that feeling, that perfume, and his head resting on mine.
I'm so fucking crazy.
I would like to get my answer, now.
But i want to try.
I'm always thinking "yeah, no, yeah, no, well... maybe... but maybe not...", never taking a decision, and missing all chances.
I want to try... something different from what i've known til today. And someone different, because he's so different. He's simple, caring, funny, and... well i don't know.
I'm afraid i'm in love.
But how much time will i have to wait? first, to get an answer, to know? and then, to... live it.
I'm afraid to hurt, to spoil, to hate... but, hollyfuckinshit, if i don't try, i'll never know.
And i want to know how it's like, to walk beside him.
But's it's been so long, i will need much patience again, and it hurts.
I think i'll wait a bit, before telling him. I don't want to hurt him.
I'll wait until i get a reply from him, at least.
Maxence, i need you so, please come back, please don't forget me, and please forgive me.
I couldn't decide what was inappropriate, what needed to be stroken, maybe it was the contrary.