My fall will be for you, my love will be in you...
Hey, guess what?
I think i'm starting to forget Neall. Maybe i have less time to think about him, maybe someday you'll read "oh shit, i'm thinking about him" again. But for the time being, yes, i'm forgetting him. Good thing, isn't it? Yay!
I don't know if i really want to forget him, because i kinda feel better in my dreams, and my dreams need to be built around someone. But i try convincing my self he's just an idiot, selfish and disdainful towards me, enough to ignore me and never replying to meeeh.
It's difficult, i admit. It's hard to believe someone with such hands and with a oh so cute smile when he's with his girlfriend, is actually like that. But hey, i got to do something!
In fact, i'm just thinking "he's with his girlfriend. They look more then happy to be with each other. He doesn't need you. You have nothing to do with him." and that's enough.
Same about Toshiya. Well, i'm not going to stop seeing him as one of the sexiest and most handsome men alive, but for the time being, he kinda disappointed me. I know he can do whatever he wants with his hair and all, i mean that "helped" me a little bit.
Ghost Love Score.
You remember when i told you about Maxence and me dancing a slow on Don't Cry by Guns 'N' Roses?
Well, you know, i can't describe my exact state of mind at that moment, for i hadn't an exact state of mind then, or at least, nothing really defined. A bit 'off the wall'? Out of myself. Somewhere between sadness, inner joyfulness, depression and awakening. And thankfull, so thankfull, touched beyond words.
When he drove me home, he said "There's something you should listen to." and he left the song play.
Maybe you can imagine how i was feeling at that moment - it sounded to me like the most beautiful song ever. I don't know if i was about to cry on something. We both remained silent, just listening, Maxence was driving and i was watching the sky through the window. And the stars in the sky. I guess neither of us wanted to spoil the moment, and specially the moment after the slow. It seemed to me we were setting our feelings free, as if we could nearly see them flying around in the car and then out of the windows, in the night. But we needed not to open our mouths. As so often when we were together, we left the silence speak for ourselves.
In fact i was feeling very calm, peacefull. And this song was giving me the same feeling.
I wanted it to last forever, just as i could have danced forever in his arms.
But there was something very strong about it, at the same time, the chorus... I was feeling the same, something really strong was burning in my heart.
And then this song followed.
Kuolema Tekee Taiteilijan
Lord, if you knew how much i miss him, and the incredible feeling of protection, of peacefulness, and trust he gave me. I miss those oh so simple moments we used to share.
You know, my birthday is on October, 12th.
To see him for this day, to rush myself in his arms and find that magic feeling of 'nothing-can-happen-to-me-in-this-place-as-long-as-you're-with-me' again.
That would be the greatest gift on earth.
Only, I know it's not possible haha.
I'm in Paris, he's in Oulu.
A simple wish which can't become true, once again.
Some weeks earlier, maybe i would have prefered to laugh with Neall or kiss Toshiya. But once you have left what's dear to your heart behind, you realise how much they're important to you.
I wouldn't have imagined he would be part of that strange 'wishlist' of mine, four months ago.
But we have gone on our own seperated paths, he has gone so far away, it's been so short, it's lasted too short a time, we've just had time to meet, it's not fair, and i'm so afraid i won't find him any more, that i won't live those moments any more.
I write it here, not on my myspace, cause i know there will be jealousy again.
I've been so, so stupid on his birthday, on Juny... or was it July? Gawd, i can't even remember when it was. If only i could remember such dates... I gave him nothing, cause i had no money, and i lost the most of it recently. It won't get any better, but i can't stop thinking of something to send him. Something to say i'm sorry, and to say he's so dear to me.
We danced the second and last time that day, when everyone had left.
Yeah we danced. I guess he wanted it, since he nearly took my arms to put them around his shoulders haha. But i wonder who actually received that 'gift'. From my own point of view, it's me. So, not only did i give nothing to him, but then he offered me the warmth of his arms, cause he knew, i had told him how good it felt to me.
He can be so cruel when he's drunk. Even if the first time we danced together, he could not but being drunk, regarding of the way he danced with his drummer like a retarded just before haha. He was all sweaty, but i just didn't care.
Anyway, maybe i wouldn't say 'cruel'... but when he and his friend (with whom he went to Finland) organized a 'farewell party', well it was nice and all, nice weather, barbecue outdoors and all with a lot of people... he had drunk a few beers (i have no idea if a few beers are enough to get drunk, i don't drink), and he was talking to some friends of his, as i was myself preparing myself a hot dog, we were a few meter away. Though he was saying quite loudly something like "Oh yeah, your sister must be in age, isn't she? I believe she must be cute now, you'll have to introduce me to her!" and things like that, while looking at me. I acted as if i didn't care. But it hurt me a bit.
Why saying it so loudly? If he wants to find a girlfriend, like very quickly, well fine, just fine, but i don't know why i'd care, no need to scream it out loud in my direction.
You wanted to test me? To know how it would feel like? Well, it hurt me, now you know.
I can't explain why. It hurt something inside me.
I won't ever try to say "come on, i'm not in love guys!", cause everytime i've said it... well... you know.
Physically, there's nothing in particuliar i really desire about him. And that's the trouble, i don't feel any desire for him. It still seems impossible to me, to fall in love with someone i don't desire. But i so want to be in his arms again, to share those beautiful moments with him again, to give him something beautiful, cause he gave me so much, i want to share something pure and simple with him.
Is that friendship? How do you call it? Friendship with a little something more?
I need him.
Is it possible to fall in love with... someone's feelings?
Ah, it's too... too... weird.
But he understands me so well! And it's so good to be with someone who understands you, who only needs a quick look to guess what you're thinking about. And i thought he was so sensitive. Because he didn't fear speaking to me, about feelings, he wasn't afraid to tell me about his feelings, and he wanted me to do the same. He does respect my prefering to remain silent, and i know, he knows what it means when i do so. He understands why i don't say a word when i'm listening to a music which touches me. I know he does.
I thought he was so sensitive, until he hugged everyone but me, to say goodbye. Until he just said "well, see ya" when we met for the last time.
Sometimes i don't know what to think of him.
And my heart is really asking to much of me, someday i'm going to explode haha.
*sighs when re-reading* shall i shot myself, seriously?
I think i'm starting to forget Neall. Maybe i have less time to think about him, maybe someday you'll read "oh shit, i'm thinking about him" again. But for the time being, yes, i'm forgetting him. Good thing, isn't it? Yay!
I don't know if i really want to forget him, because i kinda feel better in my dreams, and my dreams need to be built around someone. But i try convincing my self he's just an idiot, selfish and disdainful towards me, enough to ignore me and never replying to meeeh.
It's difficult, i admit. It's hard to believe someone with such hands and with a oh so cute smile when he's with his girlfriend, is actually like that. But hey, i got to do something!
In fact, i'm just thinking "he's with his girlfriend. They look more then happy to be with each other. He doesn't need you. You have nothing to do with him." and that's enough.
Same about Toshiya. Well, i'm not going to stop seeing him as one of the sexiest and most handsome men alive, but for the time being, he kinda disappointed me. I know he can do whatever he wants with his hair and all, i mean that "helped" me a little bit.
Ghost Love Score.
You remember when i told you about Maxence and me dancing a slow on Don't Cry by Guns 'N' Roses?
Well, you know, i can't describe my exact state of mind at that moment, for i hadn't an exact state of mind then, or at least, nothing really defined. A bit 'off the wall'? Out of myself. Somewhere between sadness, inner joyfulness, depression and awakening. And thankfull, so thankfull, touched beyond words.
When he drove me home, he said "There's something you should listen to." and he left the song play.
Maybe you can imagine how i was feeling at that moment - it sounded to me like the most beautiful song ever. I don't know if i was about to cry on something. We both remained silent, just listening, Maxence was driving and i was watching the sky through the window. And the stars in the sky. I guess neither of us wanted to spoil the moment, and specially the moment after the slow. It seemed to me we were setting our feelings free, as if we could nearly see them flying around in the car and then out of the windows, in the night. But we needed not to open our mouths. As so often when we were together, we left the silence speak for ourselves.
In fact i was feeling very calm, peacefull. And this song was giving me the same feeling.
I wanted it to last forever, just as i could have danced forever in his arms.
But there was something very strong about it, at the same time, the chorus... I was feeling the same, something really strong was burning in my heart.
And then this song followed.
Kuolema Tekee Taiteilijan
Lord, if you knew how much i miss him, and the incredible feeling of protection, of peacefulness, and trust he gave me. I miss those oh so simple moments we used to share.
You know, my birthday is on October, 12th.
To see him for this day, to rush myself in his arms and find that magic feeling of 'nothing-can-happen-to-me-in-this-place-as-long-as-you're-with-me' again.
That would be the greatest gift on earth.
Only, I know it's not possible haha.
I'm in Paris, he's in Oulu.
A simple wish which can't become true, once again.
Some weeks earlier, maybe i would have prefered to laugh with Neall or kiss Toshiya. But once you have left what's dear to your heart behind, you realise how much they're important to you.
I wouldn't have imagined he would be part of that strange 'wishlist' of mine, four months ago.
But we have gone on our own seperated paths, he has gone so far away, it's been so short, it's lasted too short a time, we've just had time to meet, it's not fair, and i'm so afraid i won't find him any more, that i won't live those moments any more.
I write it here, not on my myspace, cause i know there will be jealousy again.
I've been so, so stupid on his birthday, on Juny... or was it July? Gawd, i can't even remember when it was. If only i could remember such dates... I gave him nothing, cause i had no money, and i lost the most of it recently. It won't get any better, but i can't stop thinking of something to send him. Something to say i'm sorry, and to say he's so dear to me.
We danced the second and last time that day, when everyone had left.
Yeah we danced. I guess he wanted it, since he nearly took my arms to put them around his shoulders haha. But i wonder who actually received that 'gift'. From my own point of view, it's me. So, not only did i give nothing to him, but then he offered me the warmth of his arms, cause he knew, i had told him how good it felt to me.
He can be so cruel when he's drunk. Even if the first time we danced together, he could not but being drunk, regarding of the way he danced with his drummer like a retarded just before haha. He was all sweaty, but i just didn't care.
Anyway, maybe i wouldn't say 'cruel'... but when he and his friend (with whom he went to Finland) organized a 'farewell party', well it was nice and all, nice weather, barbecue outdoors and all with a lot of people... he had drunk a few beers (i have no idea if a few beers are enough to get drunk, i don't drink), and he was talking to some friends of his, as i was myself preparing myself a hot dog, we were a few meter away. Though he was saying quite loudly something like "Oh yeah, your sister must be in age, isn't she? I believe she must be cute now, you'll have to introduce me to her!" and things like that, while looking at me. I acted as if i didn't care. But it hurt me a bit.
Why saying it so loudly? If he wants to find a girlfriend, like very quickly, well fine, just fine, but i don't know why i'd care, no need to scream it out loud in my direction.
You wanted to test me? To know how it would feel like? Well, it hurt me, now you know.
I can't explain why. It hurt something inside me.
I won't ever try to say "come on, i'm not in love guys!", cause everytime i've said it... well... you know.
Physically, there's nothing in particuliar i really desire about him. And that's the trouble, i don't feel any desire for him. It still seems impossible to me, to fall in love with someone i don't desire. But i so want to be in his arms again, to share those beautiful moments with him again, to give him something beautiful, cause he gave me so much, i want to share something pure and simple with him.
Is that friendship? How do you call it? Friendship with a little something more?
I need him.
Is it possible to fall in love with... someone's feelings?
Ah, it's too... too... weird.
But he understands me so well! And it's so good to be with someone who understands you, who only needs a quick look to guess what you're thinking about. And i thought he was so sensitive. Because he didn't fear speaking to me, about feelings, he wasn't afraid to tell me about his feelings, and he wanted me to do the same. He does respect my prefering to remain silent, and i know, he knows what it means when i do so. He understands why i don't say a word when i'm listening to a music which touches me. I know he does.
I thought he was so sensitive, until he hugged everyone but me, to say goodbye. Until he just said "well, see ya" when we met for the last time.
Sometimes i don't know what to think of him.
And my heart is really asking to much of me, someday i'm going to explode haha.
*sighs when re-reading* shall i shot myself, seriously?