the end of my sanity has come
i just need one more thing, just one more thing to go wrong and i'll never go outside again. i'm just going to lock myself in my closet and chat with random strangers online.
school started today and i was so pissed off about school and stupid math that i just didn't give a fuck all day and that was clear on my face, tomorrow will be the same god damn thing. i dont get to graduate in december, and it is completely and totally my fault aside from there being a math placement at uncc where there doesn't need to be one. and the number of classes they offer at 0900 level and the amount of people in my class proves that its just so they can get more money somehow. however they can. bastards. "hey lets make the math placement test really fucking hard so that we can charge all these 1,000s of people to take 2 math classes instead of one". i never should have dropped the math class in greensboro. scratch that, i shouldn't have been staying up all night taking care of my dumb friends who are too stupid to take care of themselves so that i wouldn't have missed that test. still my fault in the end, i get it. may 09 woo.
everyone thinks im being ungreatful and a real bitch. but i just dont have the patience for anything other then bitch right now. everyone seems to be getting on my nerves because i just dont have a lot of cushion to be pushin right now. i dont know what to say. i'm exhaused, i can't sleep through the night with these fucking nightmares, i'm stressed out about everything, i'm emotional about everything, i stress out so my face breaks out and then i stress out more because my face is breaking out. i can't buy books or a parking pass because i have no money and financial aid is saying my mom can't apply for aid so student accounts says i owe them 422 dollars by wednesday. atleast they aren't going to drop my classes because of my grants. one thing i definitely dont need to happen.
totally jumping around subjects.
mitch. i dont know what to do. im at a complete and total loss. every day is like the same disappointment rapped in a new box. i dont know how many days it takes to change your myspace, i dont know how many days it takes to visit someone at work who works everyday. i dont know how many days it takes to just write someone a letter telling them what they mean to you. i dont know how long it takes to do anything to show someone that theres something behind your words and that you really do care and really are sorry. i dont know how long it takes, but it must take more then 2 weeks and it must be reaching a point where im tired of looking at my brokenheart and not doing anything about it. i said something yesterday that really said everything i feel about it, the thought of losing someone you loves should break your heart, and he's not heartbroken. if i thought i was going to lose someone i loved because i did something wrong to hurt them, i'd do everything i could not to lose them. maybe thats just because i dont like things to be my fault. but still, it sucks when you lose someone not because it just wasn't working out, not because they're moving away, not because they slept with your best friend, but because you treated them badly, with much less then they deserved and you couldn't take the time or make the effort to let them know that they mean more to you then that.
i need something really good to happen. just one thing, something really good. *sigh* count my blessings, im trying.
my greatgrandmother died today. i got to see her yesterday, even though she couldnt talk or move, and could barely recognize anything. she did recognize me though, had this really surprised smile on her face and i knew she knew it was me. it made me really happy that she recognized me, and that i got to tell her that i loved her and goodbye. its hard to see people i love like that, but i'd regret it if i had the opportunity to say it and didn't. the thing about my greatgrandmother is she was the most devout person i knew, Jesus was a part of everything she did and i know that everything they say at her funeral will be nothing but the undisputable truth, there wasn't anyone nicer then she was. she never made me feel bad or like i was less of a member of the family because of what happened when i was younger. she's the one that told people i could make up my own mind about things and i would do the right thing. she really holds the family together, and i'm nervous to see whats going to happen now. it'll never be the same, not just because she's not around but because there is so much dysfunction from so many angles, things that have never been said, things that have never been heard, things that may never be said. i dont know. i just keep thinking about christmas, and every year the kids put on a play that joy marie and katrina would help set up, and we'll do christmas stories and songs and do old family stories from the parents and grandparents, stuff we only act out and actually know nothing about. i know its sounds cheesy, but those are some of my favorite holiday memories. lots of times when greatgrandmother and i would get to talk she would always bring up one christmas when i was really young and we were doing a skit and i played the energizer bunny. i had a drum and a mallot and big pink ears, and susan made a cottonball tail for me and whenever someone kept going on in the story about something i would come out and say "keeps going and going and going" she said it was always her favorite and her fondest memory of me. there was also a time when i learned the words to jesus loves me, and i went up to moorsevile to sing it to her. we used to talk about that, then we'd sing it together. she was really a great person and im going to miss her a lot. she has a lot of people that love her, im lucky to be one of them. she always said my dad was special because he was the first grandchild, and i was special because i was the first greatgrandchild. i'm glad she recognized me, and im glad i got 22 years with her.
school started today and i was so pissed off about school and stupid math that i just didn't give a fuck all day and that was clear on my face, tomorrow will be the same god damn thing. i dont get to graduate in december, and it is completely and totally my fault aside from there being a math placement at uncc where there doesn't need to be one. and the number of classes they offer at 0900 level and the amount of people in my class proves that its just so they can get more money somehow. however they can. bastards. "hey lets make the math placement test really fucking hard so that we can charge all these 1,000s of people to take 2 math classes instead of one". i never should have dropped the math class in greensboro. scratch that, i shouldn't have been staying up all night taking care of my dumb friends who are too stupid to take care of themselves so that i wouldn't have missed that test. still my fault in the end, i get it. may 09 woo.
everyone thinks im being ungreatful and a real bitch. but i just dont have the patience for anything other then bitch right now. everyone seems to be getting on my nerves because i just dont have a lot of cushion to be pushin right now. i dont know what to say. i'm exhaused, i can't sleep through the night with these fucking nightmares, i'm stressed out about everything, i'm emotional about everything, i stress out so my face breaks out and then i stress out more because my face is breaking out. i can't buy books or a parking pass because i have no money and financial aid is saying my mom can't apply for aid so student accounts says i owe them 422 dollars by wednesday. atleast they aren't going to drop my classes because of my grants. one thing i definitely dont need to happen.
totally jumping around subjects.
mitch. i dont know what to do. im at a complete and total loss. every day is like the same disappointment rapped in a new box. i dont know how many days it takes to change your myspace, i dont know how many days it takes to visit someone at work who works everyday. i dont know how many days it takes to just write someone a letter telling them what they mean to you. i dont know how long it takes to do anything to show someone that theres something behind your words and that you really do care and really are sorry. i dont know how long it takes, but it must take more then 2 weeks and it must be reaching a point where im tired of looking at my brokenheart and not doing anything about it. i said something yesterday that really said everything i feel about it, the thought of losing someone you loves should break your heart, and he's not heartbroken. if i thought i was going to lose someone i loved because i did something wrong to hurt them, i'd do everything i could not to lose them. maybe thats just because i dont like things to be my fault. but still, it sucks when you lose someone not because it just wasn't working out, not because they're moving away, not because they slept with your best friend, but because you treated them badly, with much less then they deserved and you couldn't take the time or make the effort to let them know that they mean more to you then that.
i need something really good to happen. just one thing, something really good. *sigh* count my blessings, im trying.
my greatgrandmother died today. i got to see her yesterday, even though she couldnt talk or move, and could barely recognize anything. she did recognize me though, had this really surprised smile on her face and i knew she knew it was me. it made me really happy that she recognized me, and that i got to tell her that i loved her and goodbye. its hard to see people i love like that, but i'd regret it if i had the opportunity to say it and didn't. the thing about my greatgrandmother is she was the most devout person i knew, Jesus was a part of everything she did and i know that everything they say at her funeral will be nothing but the undisputable truth, there wasn't anyone nicer then she was. she never made me feel bad or like i was less of a member of the family because of what happened when i was younger. she's the one that told people i could make up my own mind about things and i would do the right thing. she really holds the family together, and i'm nervous to see whats going to happen now. it'll never be the same, not just because she's not around but because there is so much dysfunction from so many angles, things that have never been said, things that have never been heard, things that may never be said. i dont know. i just keep thinking about christmas, and every year the kids put on a play that joy marie and katrina would help set up, and we'll do christmas stories and songs and do old family stories from the parents and grandparents, stuff we only act out and actually know nothing about. i know its sounds cheesy, but those are some of my favorite holiday memories. lots of times when greatgrandmother and i would get to talk she would always bring up one christmas when i was really young and we were doing a skit and i played the energizer bunny. i had a drum and a mallot and big pink ears, and susan made a cottonball tail for me and whenever someone kept going on in the story about something i would come out and say "keeps going and going and going" she said it was always her favorite and her fondest memory of me. there was also a time when i learned the words to jesus loves me, and i went up to moorsevile to sing it to her. we used to talk about that, then we'd sing it together. she was really a great person and im going to miss her a lot. she has a lot of people that love her, im lucky to be one of them. she always said my dad was special because he was the first grandchild, and i was special because i was the first greatgrandchild. i'm glad she recognized me, and im glad i got 22 years with her.