Apr 09, 2003 23:22
I hate unfulfilled appoligies ecspecially when they are brought up but can't be returned face to face. I'm blind in an ever darkening foolish world that i am forced to walk through daily. I burn for another hit, a hit that will push me over so i have reason to not get up this time around. I wan that pain and welcome it with open arms with an unquenchable thirst for it. I want it so bad i'm almost willing to inflict it myself but i have made a promise not to myself but others that i won't corrupt myself and i intend to hold my side up unlike many i keep my word and will do so come hell or highwater.
I see small amounts of light when i get closer to the top but then I lose my grip and fall another ten stories back down further then i started its like being buried alive. You can scream but can't be heard, you bang on the clsed walls but nothing moves, you can pry with your finger will they are bloody and down to the broken bone but make no mark but your own wasted efforts of escape. At any sense of joy I may have it just feels like it can't be true, so i run as far as i can. It makes me sick to hear everyone elses good news an know what demise i may face in the upcoming days as my complete corruption gets ever closer. I can smell the damp dark cold moldy air and feel it burn though my lungs as it scortches and scars my heart. I thought there was some good in humans but i keep proving myself wrong over and over no matter how much i put out i get hurt again and again, so FUCK them i refuse to be ripped into and torn apart left to pick myself up again from a puddle of my own pain and hurt, a puddle of my own crushed hopes and dreams. Who needs companionship when all you get in the end it a broken heart. I broke many rules for this little ride thinking that i could escape reality just for some moments in time when the thought had arrived but i got burned again through another female who won't even return my call when all i wish for is a simple explanation. So Fuck them and fuck what they think they stand for.
I can feel the walls rising again, no one will get out and no one will get in anymore I simply can't trust another or expect a decent person to be as upfront as they broadcast themselves to the rest of the world to you in situations like this. I can already feel the old stone cold exo-skeleton of hate and vengence regenerate itself after putting it away for so long i can feel it getting stronger and colder. I feel a smile appraoching my face knowing never again will i be slain, i won't allow it, i can't allow it. I will become that hard ass son of a bitch bastard i once was, i can't take anymore for my heart has grown cold, bitter, weak and weary. Theres nothing worth fighting for i my life i see no light and hear no good. This is the last time i will be wrong.
I can't throw blame cause it was my own fault i broke my own rules and have turned the gun in my direct and released the hammer to drop. I took a blow that I had caused. My natural instincts told me to run but i fought them off blindly and pursued with what i thought was happiness when it was worse by three fold. I count the days I have left here waiting and yurning for my newcoming one, the one where i can be myself and not worry about anyone other then the people that matter.
To the rest i simply have to say don't get in my way when i'm on the way to the top again. For i will knock everyone down that stands in my way without a thought of recourse.
I am welcoming my soon to be new life in hopes that when i return that i will have bled off the old and will be able to run with it as long as i can before the can realize what i have done. I know i sound dark and vicious now but the reasons that lie in my mind cannot be justified or be told otherwise. I have a passion for wrecklessness now and will be on the prowl until my hunger is filled, so i will gorge until satisfied.
Maybe the doctors were right?