The way i changed
I have changed and i dont think anything could be more true. My clothing style my conversations the way i drive the way i walk. Ive changed fully and i cant deside if its good or bad. I have learned to stick up for myself and at times am even ruthless in such things. For example i have wroten Sarah Reed among other old friends off as nothing more but a babie to yung to understand and to afraid to face the truth. However i cant discount the fact that i am not perfect and infact run from my problems more often then face them but i imagen you get the idea. I feel at times tha ti have lost touch from what use to make me an intresting if not good person. I never doubted my friends nore have i ever questioned my family but i fined my self looking of my shoulder alout as if i was playing some kind of reality show where everyones like oh im your friend and then in truth votes against you..
The thing that scares me most is the fact ive thought largly of death. Not my wn but the idea of taking sombodys life. Not anyone by name just killing people. I am drawen to fighting all of a sudden and infact have been in a few this ast week. Each time i dont feel like it was enufe .. I want more. The good news however is that ive never felt so strong even if i apear to be alout smaller then i once was. Also i am confadent that i can adaquatly protecht my friends. I do not think my need to fight is of evil intent but im just afraid it will get out of hand like alout of things in my life of late.. Perhaps its the need to prove my self that drives me into the aluring prospect of winning a fight people say your to small to even attempt and perhaps im just insane i guess only time will tell.
As fare as the sadness i felt a week ago i think its all but gone. Im not sure how to explain this but i guess im just ok. Even not having a job and thus nothing to great to do during the day i feel ok. I mean things could be better and i would like a job if for nothing els for somthing to do durring the day. That and so i can get out of my moms hair. Its hard because im home and well she agravates me. think of me as the gothic dark forboding kid in school and think of her as the head cheer leader we just clash horribly. I fined every conversation with her to long and not intresting enufe to warnt much mor ethena sigh and a cruel shutting of my bedroom door in hopes that she will just walk away.
In anycase i think the point of this is that i might become some kind of adult yet. The idea of fighting to protecht my possable future family? The need and desire to work for sake of bordem and well the benafit of more money. The ability to defend ones self. All of these things are new to me i guess.
The thing that scares me most is the fact ive thought largly of death. Not my wn but the idea of taking sombodys life. Not anyone by name just killing people. I am drawen to fighting all of a sudden and infact have been in a few this ast week. Each time i dont feel like it was enufe .. I want more. The good news however is that ive never felt so strong even if i apear to be alout smaller then i once was. Also i am confadent that i can adaquatly protecht my friends. I do not think my need to fight is of evil intent but im just afraid it will get out of hand like alout of things in my life of late.. Perhaps its the need to prove my self that drives me into the aluring prospect of winning a fight people say your to small to even attempt and perhaps im just insane i guess only time will tell.
As fare as the sadness i felt a week ago i think its all but gone. Im not sure how to explain this but i guess im just ok. Even not having a job and thus nothing to great to do during the day i feel ok. I mean things could be better and i would like a job if for nothing els for somthing to do durring the day. That and so i can get out of my moms hair. Its hard because im home and well she agravates me. think of me as the gothic dark forboding kid in school and think of her as the head cheer leader we just clash horribly. I fined every conversation with her to long and not intresting enufe to warnt much mor ethena sigh and a cruel shutting of my bedroom door in hopes that she will just walk away.
In anycase i think the point of this is that i might become some kind of adult yet. The idea of fighting to protecht my possable future family? The need and desire to work for sake of bordem and well the benafit of more money. The ability to defend ones self. All of these things are new to me i guess.