everything's getting worse
it seems to me as if day by day everything seems to be getting worse and worse.it all started on sunday. my mom and me got into another common fight. but the problem is the way we fought shouldn't BE common to a daughter that is 15 years old. to any teenager growing up this shouldn't be common. it just seems soo wrong to me how hard life trests me. some peole would say....
-oh. im soo depressed because i'm fat or ugly
or some stupid thing like that. but what if on top of all of that shit actually happened to you. i dont even care about my body or any other physical features anymore. i hate to be so selfcentered when im sad, becuase if i wasn't then the stuff that happens to me wouldn't affect me too much.but i really can't help it when my mom hurts me emotionally and physically.i gave her what she desrved in return, but i aso got something that was very harsh back. it made me cry for 2 days and i haven't been ABLE to cry about other things for the longest time.the last time i remember crying was when my mom called me fat, and she meant it too. and before that, as kelly can probably remember i cried about my jeans getting to be a little too tight fitting on me.that's all irrelevant to me now, but being a little unwanted child by my mother is something that does bother me.
i've looked and still do at all of my friends that have great parents and think how lucky they really are. they don't really realize it an neither did i until now. one thing for a child to be left alone would be when your parents die, or some other horrible tragedy. but when you're left pretty much for just being there in front of a parent's face is very painful.
i don't even know how i'm gonna function in school. now that i finally got everyting done today.on monday, if my schedule is ready i should be in lehman again. i'm gonna be like that persom that i always looked at and thought , i'm glad i'm not in their shoes. there's not only family pressure that's affecting me but also educational pressure. i do care and i'm not gonna stop carring like some people do when their life gets too hard. if it means for me to just come in to school and not talk to anyone so that i wouldn't loose my concentration. the PSAT'S are on saturday and the SAT'S are next year. i sat on the train today and was counting up how many words i'll have to be memorizing each day so that by next year my vocabulary list wil be beyond perfection. when i was done doing that i got really sick, and there i was on the train. with a really ugly gay guy sitting opposite of me. i had nothing against him and his sexuality but it just didn't give me a fresh picture to look at and admire. besides being in the honors program again and needing to take 2 periods of gym a day for a year, i'll also have to take night school for a semester and summer school for one summer.this semester i'l volunteer somewhere and next semester when i turn 16 i'l have to start working. the money will be saved up for next year when me and kelly move to the village, thats if we do. i hope that we do. it would be soo much better then living with my grandparents for an extra year. i hope kelly doesnt quit trying to convince her mom to let us do that.
well what can i say to top everything off i'll have to go to family court and try to defend myself saying that im not the one that was abusing my mother but she was the one abusing me. if i don't do a good job at that then i'll either be sent off to boot camp or let off easily and just have written in my premanent record that "this girl abused her mother". hmmm... i wonder which college would love to except a student like that in????
now if anyone thinks their life is hard have a little chat with me and that will give you all the confidence boosting that you need for the next couple of months.
-oh. im soo depressed because i'm fat or ugly
or some stupid thing like that. but what if on top of all of that shit actually happened to you. i dont even care about my body or any other physical features anymore. i hate to be so selfcentered when im sad, becuase if i wasn't then the stuff that happens to me wouldn't affect me too much.but i really can't help it when my mom hurts me emotionally and physically.i gave her what she desrved in return, but i aso got something that was very harsh back. it made me cry for 2 days and i haven't been ABLE to cry about other things for the longest time.the last time i remember crying was when my mom called me fat, and she meant it too. and before that, as kelly can probably remember i cried about my jeans getting to be a little too tight fitting on me.that's all irrelevant to me now, but being a little unwanted child by my mother is something that does bother me.
i've looked and still do at all of my friends that have great parents and think how lucky they really are. they don't really realize it an neither did i until now. one thing for a child to be left alone would be when your parents die, or some other horrible tragedy. but when you're left pretty much for just being there in front of a parent's face is very painful.
i don't even know how i'm gonna function in school. now that i finally got everyting done today.on monday, if my schedule is ready i should be in lehman again. i'm gonna be like that persom that i always looked at and thought , i'm glad i'm not in their shoes. there's not only family pressure that's affecting me but also educational pressure. i do care and i'm not gonna stop carring like some people do when their life gets too hard. if it means for me to just come in to school and not talk to anyone so that i wouldn't loose my concentration. the PSAT'S are on saturday and the SAT'S are next year. i sat on the train today and was counting up how many words i'll have to be memorizing each day so that by next year my vocabulary list wil be beyond perfection. when i was done doing that i got really sick, and there i was on the train. with a really ugly gay guy sitting opposite of me. i had nothing against him and his sexuality but it just didn't give me a fresh picture to look at and admire. besides being in the honors program again and needing to take 2 periods of gym a day for a year, i'll also have to take night school for a semester and summer school for one summer.this semester i'l volunteer somewhere and next semester when i turn 16 i'l have to start working. the money will be saved up for next year when me and kelly move to the village, thats if we do. i hope that we do. it would be soo much better then living with my grandparents for an extra year. i hope kelly doesnt quit trying to convince her mom to let us do that.
well what can i say to top everything off i'll have to go to family court and try to defend myself saying that im not the one that was abusing my mother but she was the one abusing me. if i don't do a good job at that then i'll either be sent off to boot camp or let off easily and just have written in my premanent record that "this girl abused her mother". hmmm... i wonder which college would love to except a student like that in????
now if anyone thinks their life is hard have a little chat with me and that will give you all the confidence boosting that you need for the next couple of months.