talking about medication
Life is just life... or so it seems. I as someone once put it have fallen down another rabbit hole, unlike Alice this is not one made of fantasy.. I would be more than happy to see a cat in a tree that disappears (we have lots of cats in our neighborhood so I needed to clarify what kind of cat) or attend a tea party with a drunk mouse in a tea pot. hmmm I would like to be that drunk mouse. Those had to have been some crazy drugs that lovely Alice was taking.
I find it best to just shut my mouth and silently get through whatever it is that is going on in my head but the powers that be (my mom, my sisters etc) don't go much for the silent me. My mom described me as out of control tonight... I asked her twice to leave but she stayed. I am not out of control, she missed a lot of the out of control me. I had serious thoughts of going to the wine and spirits store after she left. I am still having those thoughts. I have the weekend right? I could blow nearly 10 months of sobriety in the blink of an eye. No mom I am not out of control. She has seen depressed but not out of control. Out of control was me drinking 3 double long Island Iceteas in less than an hour and several shots in the hour that followed and then driving home... taking my shoes off and going back out in the snow and driving to John's house and then back to my house throwing up falling down cutting open my hand and passing out on the couch. That my friends was out of control. That my friends was stupidity,
that my friends is who I was a year ago. That is not who I am now. I am in a bit of a hole but I am trying to get out, I am trying to be healthy. I am trying to be a good mom, no a great mom.
I hate depression, I hate the thought of medication but it looks like it may be the way I am heading again. I hate that I can't find a place that feels completely safe.
I have me... I have me. That is my safe place right now except it doesn't feel very safe some days.
Please don't take this personally.
I find it best to just shut my mouth and silently get through whatever it is that is going on in my head but the powers that be (my mom, my sisters etc) don't go much for the silent me. My mom described me as out of control tonight... I asked her twice to leave but she stayed. I am not out of control, she missed a lot of the out of control me. I had serious thoughts of going to the wine and spirits store after she left. I am still having those thoughts. I have the weekend right? I could blow nearly 10 months of sobriety in the blink of an eye. No mom I am not out of control. She has seen depressed but not out of control. Out of control was me drinking 3 double long Island Iceteas in less than an hour and several shots in the hour that followed and then driving home... taking my shoes off and going back out in the snow and driving to John's house and then back to my house throwing up falling down cutting open my hand and passing out on the couch. That my friends was out of control. That my friends was stupidity,
that my friends is who I was a year ago. That is not who I am now. I am in a bit of a hole but I am trying to get out, I am trying to be healthy. I am trying to be a good mom, no a great mom.
I hate depression, I hate the thought of medication but it looks like it may be the way I am heading again. I hate that I can't find a place that feels completely safe.
I have me... I have me. That is my safe place right now except it doesn't feel very safe some days.
Please don't take this personally.