(no subject)
Another day... yup another day.
My stomach is tied in a knot and I am not feeling much like eating. I know I need to because if I don't eat Lily doesn't eat either. I suppose my body will continue to produce milk but it won't be of any good substance to Lily. I don't really want to see my food again, so eating seems to be the last thing I want to do right now.
My stomach feels ill, my heart feels heavy and I am feeling really really alone.
Sleep didn't come easy last night. It was the first time in a long while that the thought of how good a glass of wine would taste and feel crossed my mind. ummm I kept thinking about everyone at the "old hang out" and how nice it would be to relax for a while and just not feel quite so much.
Lily is beautiful and I am finding that getting up with her in the middle of the night isn't really all that a big deal. I enjoy holding her and snuggling her fuzzy little head. (Joshua and Caroline were for the most part bald)
I still don't have a tree, still feeling bah hum bug... I know it is time to count my blessings, this time last year I was thinking about saying goodbye to everyone. This time last year I was ready to throw my kids away. This time last year I was drunk every weekend and didn't care about anyone or anything. This time last year....
Life isn't simple, it is complicated and full of good and bad, I guess feeling the sadness and hurt that I am feeling right now just makes me want to run away again. I don't want to ever feel this way. Unrealistic... yup but my heart has just started to heal and I am not ready to hurt again.
Anyway... life is what it is right now... David has the kids and I miss them, I really from my soul miss them.
Time to figure out how to pick myself up... oh here's one I have lost most of the weight I gained with Lily. Yup folks I am peeing like a race horse. I have never watched a race horse pee do they really pee that much?
My stomach is tied in a knot and I am not feeling much like eating. I know I need to because if I don't eat Lily doesn't eat either. I suppose my body will continue to produce milk but it won't be of any good substance to Lily. I don't really want to see my food again, so eating seems to be the last thing I want to do right now.
My stomach feels ill, my heart feels heavy and I am feeling really really alone.
Sleep didn't come easy last night. It was the first time in a long while that the thought of how good a glass of wine would taste and feel crossed my mind. ummm I kept thinking about everyone at the "old hang out" and how nice it would be to relax for a while and just not feel quite so much.
Lily is beautiful and I am finding that getting up with her in the middle of the night isn't really all that a big deal. I enjoy holding her and snuggling her fuzzy little head. (Joshua and Caroline were for the most part bald)
I still don't have a tree, still feeling bah hum bug... I know it is time to count my blessings, this time last year I was thinking about saying goodbye to everyone. This time last year I was ready to throw my kids away. This time last year I was drunk every weekend and didn't care about anyone or anything. This time last year....
Life isn't simple, it is complicated and full of good and bad, I guess feeling the sadness and hurt that I am feeling right now just makes me want to run away again. I don't want to ever feel this way. Unrealistic... yup but my heart has just started to heal and I am not ready to hurt again.
Anyway... life is what it is right now... David has the kids and I miss them, I really from my soul miss them.
Time to figure out how to pick myself up... oh here's one I have lost most of the weight I gained with Lily. Yup folks I am peeing like a race horse. I have never watched a race horse pee do they really pee that much?