Grrr
I think I need to find the like... highest point in Happiness if you were to graph it. Because apparently theres a certain point i hit about a day after i get really really excited about something where my brains like "awuhhh! You're not supposed to be THIS happy." And then my brain decides to bombard me with thoughts about people and places and times that i just want to stay in my past, but they keep coming at me.
And then I start thinking about dating again... maybe i would actually like that? I've been essentially rejected the thought outright for a while now. And now that i look closer, i realize that i am still rejecting it outright. I have no idea why I'm having problems with the idea of loving someone besides Tina. I want to love someone, I want to be in a relationship with someone, and I know that for a fairly convincing list of reasons I can't ever go back to Tina. And yet if i do something so simple as just imagining being in a relationship, my brain sees it in this tainted light. Like it's uglied up because i'm looking at everything through these smudged up lenses.
And then, of course, once my stupid brain has conspired with my stupid hormones and pathetic heart to talk about dating, it uses that as a leap off point for "well, what do you do with Tina?" Even though things are basically as settled as they'll ever be. Even though I feel like if i ever had to see her in any place besides a picture i might start crying uncontrollably. Theres still just this one little dumbass section of my brain that urges me to try and meet with her for some kind of coffee thing. But I know thats a dumbass thing to do, because it could almost only lead to bad places.
Hell I dont even like coffee anyways.
And then I start thinking about dating again... maybe i would actually like that? I've been essentially rejected the thought outright for a while now. And now that i look closer, i realize that i am still rejecting it outright. I have no idea why I'm having problems with the idea of loving someone besides Tina. I want to love someone, I want to be in a relationship with someone, and I know that for a fairly convincing list of reasons I can't ever go back to Tina. And yet if i do something so simple as just imagining being in a relationship, my brain sees it in this tainted light. Like it's uglied up because i'm looking at everything through these smudged up lenses.
And then, of course, once my stupid brain has conspired with my stupid hormones and pathetic heart to talk about dating, it uses that as a leap off point for "well, what do you do with Tina?" Even though things are basically as settled as they'll ever be. Even though I feel like if i ever had to see her in any place besides a picture i might start crying uncontrollably. Theres still just this one little dumbass section of my brain that urges me to try and meet with her for some kind of coffee thing. But I know thats a dumbass thing to do, because it could almost only lead to bad places.
Hell I dont even like coffee anyways.