always a glamour girl
so my last entry was on the 21st. at that point i thought my life was sucking the big one...it seemed pretty bad. but thats just it...it SEEMED bad. yes i was, and still am, stressed out. but things werent bad...just stressful. NOW things are bad. its not until that very next day that things got bad. december 22nd, the day matt died. i still cant believe it really. its all so surreal. i cant get used to the fact that ill never see him again. hell never pick on me again...hell never burp the alphabet again, hell never come to new hampshire with us again, and if and hopefully when justin and i one day get married and have kids, he wont be there. i still feel like hes still in his room on his bed playing video games, and wait for his door to open and him to come out and grab a soda and blurt out some smart ass remark. but hes not. hes not there. and he never will be. hes gone. and its a hard fact to accept. even after his wake and seeing him in the casket, and his funeral, and even the memorial service and watching them lower the box containing his ashes into the ground. after going through all of that, i still havent accepted it. its like weve gone through all the motions, and its like, "ok, matt...you can come out now". and hes gonna pop out at any moment and say, "just kidding!" i really dont know what to do...for myself or anyone else...i mean, there isnt really anything i can do. or say. nothing will change what happened. nothing will bring him back. most of the time, i dont even know what im feeling...i wanna cry, and i feel like ive already cried so much that i just cant anymore, there isnt anything left. we went away for the weekend-me, justin, and his parents...we all went to mystic...just to get away. i think we had a good time, and thought we were dealing pretty well, i guess. or maybe that was just me being hopeful in thinking that. but then we came back home...and reality set in again. so its just going to take a long time. just need to accept it. his familys been great...making me feel welcome. at first i really felt like i shouldnt be as upset as i am, because i only knew him for seven months, but i love him. he went all the way from being a complete stranger to a brother. i literally spent more time with him than i do my own brothers. he was another little brother to mess around with. not that thats why i cared for him, just because i was around him more than my own brothers...just because he was such a good person. a truly good person. and i never thought he liked me, but im beginning to believe justin, that he did care about me. i hope he did. but i guess i do believe him. matt treated me as if i was a part of the family if not all, most of the time. and like justin keeps telling me, he did in the seven short months that i knew him, give me so many memories. and i will never forget him or how much i care about him. i love you matt and i always will.