i hate being a libra sometimes
i have not been able to sleep. my mind would not clear. tossing and turning because my heart is so heavy. maybe reflecting will help me rest...
it was doomed from the start. a relationship that starts with both individuals searching for the reasons why they cannot be together will only end in them not being together. i feel that we are soul mates from a past lifetime that simply reconnected to make life easier for one another during a difficult patch in one another's lives. we met during major transitions in our lives. i was preparing to graduate and he was just ending a relationship that had made him a cynic about love.
but something happened. in the refugee that i sought in the simplicity of our co-existence, i fell for him. however, i was falling upwards and clawing for the ground because i did not want to allow him to be the one to change me. a non-believer in romance and true love i was way beyond cynical and lived in a realm of complete denial. so when my soul began telling me to allow a deep connection to happen between he and i...i simply denied it. i could not love someone that i knew did not want to love or be loved, so i fought every second of about four months. i told myself that we were merely meant to be friends (the mind) but God was telling me to let go of my burdens (spiritual) and allow myself to glow (my soul).
i realized far too late that he was more than important to me. he was apart of me...our difference made us both stronger and smarter people...our similarities connected us in the oddest of ways. yet this same connection seemed to make us poison to one another. my liking to control my relationships with men made me start pushing him away the first time he made my heart skip a beat. i pushed him hard. i told him things like how seeing him would only make my life difficult and i learned that it was not seeing him that made it impossible.
my pushing him brought us to a day that ruined us. a day that showed that when you push someone down. someone wonderful. there is someone waiting there to catch them and relieve them. that is why i say i broke my own heart. that broken heart is what made me realize that i could and would have loved him forever.
i think it does not hurt because right now the abundance of amazing memories served as an emotional novacane. every sad tear is only followed by one cold with joy.
i am terrified to simply let go because what if i just ruined what would or could have possibly been the greatest love i would ever know.
it was doomed from the start. a relationship that starts with both individuals searching for the reasons why they cannot be together will only end in them not being together. i feel that we are soul mates from a past lifetime that simply reconnected to make life easier for one another during a difficult patch in one another's lives. we met during major transitions in our lives. i was preparing to graduate and he was just ending a relationship that had made him a cynic about love.
but something happened. in the refugee that i sought in the simplicity of our co-existence, i fell for him. however, i was falling upwards and clawing for the ground because i did not want to allow him to be the one to change me. a non-believer in romance and true love i was way beyond cynical and lived in a realm of complete denial. so when my soul began telling me to allow a deep connection to happen between he and i...i simply denied it. i could not love someone that i knew did not want to love or be loved, so i fought every second of about four months. i told myself that we were merely meant to be friends (the mind) but God was telling me to let go of my burdens (spiritual) and allow myself to glow (my soul).
i realized far too late that he was more than important to me. he was apart of me...our difference made us both stronger and smarter people...our similarities connected us in the oddest of ways. yet this same connection seemed to make us poison to one another. my liking to control my relationships with men made me start pushing him away the first time he made my heart skip a beat. i pushed him hard. i told him things like how seeing him would only make my life difficult and i learned that it was not seeing him that made it impossible.
my pushing him brought us to a day that ruined us. a day that showed that when you push someone down. someone wonderful. there is someone waiting there to catch them and relieve them. that is why i say i broke my own heart. that broken heart is what made me realize that i could and would have loved him forever.
i think it does not hurt because right now the abundance of amazing memories served as an emotional novacane. every sad tear is only followed by one cold with joy.
i am terrified to simply let go because what if i just ruined what would or could have possibly been the greatest love i would ever know.