*sigh*

[hansoncutter]

Why is it that I am the one who has to be the strong one for everyone when something goes wrong...??? I mean come on now... I can ONLY put up with so much and then I end up losing it, but no one cares or knows about that so... *sigh* I am so fucking worried about my Grandma that it isn't even funny... I wish I was the one that was in the hospital hurt instead of her... *bangs head on desk* They aren't going to do surgery on her tomorrow because of the fact that her blood isn't thick enough for it... and so the doctor said MAYBE on Monday or Tuesday they will be able to do surgery on her hip... *crosses fingers* I NEED HER TO GET BETTER AS FAST AS SHE FUCKING CAN!!! I spent the day at the hospital with her and I crocheted some while I was there too... :) When they do surgery on her NOTHING BAD BETTER HAPPEN TO HER because if something does then I am SO FUCKING GOING TO LOSE IT THEN... eeeeeerrrrrrrrr *sigh* I decided that starting tomorrow I am going to go without talking to Brianna about my problems and deal with them on my own again... I am going to try to use the suggestions that she gave to me to destract myself... I am going to work on going to bed at a decent time WITHOUT Brianna telling me when to go to bed... :) I need HELP I am freaking out... I need a break... I am NOT able to have time to my fucking self right now and that isn't fucking right... I need my fucking space and shit from people...eeeeeerrrrrrrr I can't fucking watch my Grandpa all fucking day without fucking going crazy and just think they think that me watching him all fucking day is better then me going to fucking work... eeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrr what the fuck is up with that shit...??? They are planning on having my cousin Jamie come out and live with us to help ME out with my Grandpa, but we are worried about the fact that he isn't good about taking care of himself... damn what the fuck... *bangs head on desk* Well, I am doing ok... I really am... I just need to get rid of the fucking shit that is in my head and have my own fucking time to myself and shit again... aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh I want to fucking cry because I am so fucking out of it and wore out... :( *holds out hand for someone to take and help me out* Well, I don't know what else to say I mean I can still keep talking and shit, but I am like *sigh* out of it and don't want to and then the fact that it won't make any sence either so... *sigh* I am going to go and try to feel better by doing something... what you ask... I don't know...

Love,
Christa

P.S. My Grandma better get better because I need her... I depend on her to keep me sane and if I ... *sigh*