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Jun 06, 2008 21:56

So Mike's working overnight again tonight, so look for me online.

And something a bit random:

I don't comment on most of the fest fics I read. In fact, I'm not sure if I've ever commented on a fest fic. I'm not sure why, it's just something I don't do. If that's horrible, I'm sorry. I will be commenting the fic I receive in the one fest I'm part of, so I'm not completely bad. But I bookmark the ones I loved and re-read them often. If you're written a fic for a fest that I'm watching or a part of, know that I read it. And I've liked every single fest fic I've ever read. So know that I liked any fest fic you wrote as well.

In fact, I haven't read a fic I didn't like in a very long time. Like in at least two years now. So if you're written anything, and I haven't commented on it, just know that I did read it. And I definitely liked it.


About two weeks ago I did a bit of what I call "free-writing". Basically I just sit down with some paper and write whatever I think. Here's what I wrote then:

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. When I do it, it's because I feel like a horrible person. I lay there in bed late at night next to my husband and think things. Horrible things. About what my life could be like if I hadn't met/married Mike. How much better it would be. I think about whether I could leave him. If I should leave him. Then I start feeling guilty. I DO love him. I DO care about him. But things aren't great with us. Things aren't even OK with us, and I don't know what to do about it. I've tried talking to him about it, but it's like he doesn't get it. He's such a huge part of my life, that I don't know what I'd do without him. And this fact scares me. I pride myself (or at least I have in the past) on being independent. But now, I'm not. And it's scary. And now I've been rethinking who I am. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I want anymore. I've failed all my classes once again. Maybe I'm just not cut out to get a Bachelor's degree. I would love to teach, but I can't seem to get there. I think I should take some time off from school, to collect myself. But Mike says if I do I have to get a "real" job. Because watching Brayden for 40+ hours a week isn't a real job. Asshole. I don't want a "real" job.
Mom and I went to Target yesterday, and we bought a wall hanging for Missy that says "A baby fills a place in your heart that you never knew was empty". And while Brayden isn't my kid, I understand what that means. I look at him everyday and think he's a miracle and wonderful. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. It makes me want to get pregnant even more. But I'm not sure if I'm actually ready for it. I'm not as grown up as I act. I'm a scared little preteen deep down inside. I'd guess about 12. That's what I feel like most of the time.

And today I'd like to add the following:
I don't think I was actually ready to get married. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready to move out of my mom's house (even if we could afford it). I'm not ready for life. I want to go back to high school. Everything was so much easier when I was 16. I didn't have to worry about much. I wish I could go back and stop myself from getting married at the least. It wasn't a good idea. I wasn't ready. At all. And now, it's too late. And I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I think that the only reason I married Mike was because I'd had sex with him. I told myself and promised myself that I would marry the man that got my virginity. And so when Mike became that man, I knew I had to marry him. It's the one promise I made to myself that I actually kept. And I wish I hadn't...



quiz/meme, school, work, family, fanfics, baby, love life

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