The steps of recovery; PG-13; 2/?
Jinki was happy his car had been fixed so quickly. It was cold outside and he didn’t feel like waiting for a bus in this weather. He was driving trough quiet suburbia as he spotted a familiar figure walking down the road. Jinki pulled over and opened the window.
“Hop in before you freeze to death”, Jinki shouted to Taemin who nearly fell over in surprise. Taemin turned quickly to see who it was and relaxed when he saw Jinki’s smiling face. The boy obeyed and climbed in the car. When he was safely inside Jinki accelerated again. He glanced at the boy who was shivering next to him, his nose all red. Jinki turned up the heat.
“Why were you walking? The bus stop’s right next to the building”, Jinki asked.
“I, I lost my wallet today. And my bus ticket was inside”, Taemin explained, his voice unsure. The boy looked uncomfortable and kept shifting in his seat. It was obvious he was lying.
“By losing it you mean someone stole it?” Jinki kept his voice low and calm, not wanting to scare the boy. Taemin just dropped his head and didn’t answer.
“Did you tell your parents about it?” Jinki kept questioning. This time Taemin looked at him with desperate look on his face.
“No, I don’t want to make them worry, you’re not gonna tell them, are you?” Taemin pleaded. Jinki felt his throat tighten. It was in his nature to be protective but he just had to fight down the urge to hug this kid.
“As said, everything you tell me is confidential. Don’t worry about it”, Jinki reassured the kid who gave him a relieved smile. Taemin seemed to relax a bit and moved along to the song coming from the radio.
“This band’s called SHINee, right?” Jinki asked even though he knew the answer already.
“Yeah, they’re my favourite band!” Taemin’s voice was now laid with emotion. “This song, Lucifer, is really good. I’m trying to learn the choreography. It’s pretty difficult but that makes it more fun.”
It was amazing how Taemin was suddenly bursting with energy. The boy was mouthing the words while doing some weird looking movement where he held his hands in front of himself, index fingers pointing up. Jinki smiled warmly as he watched the other.
“You clearly like dancing. Are you taking some lessons?” Jinki bit back a laughter as the boy was making some “stage faces” while continuing with the dancing.
“Nope, I just watch videos from Youtube and try to copy the moves. I want to be a dancer when I grow up”, Taemin explained and for the first time he was smiling a genuine, happy smile. Then he slammed a hand over his mouth and blushed.”I’m sorry, I’m babbling. Surely you’re not interested.”
“Quite the opposite. I’m happy to find out what kind of things you like”, Jinki smiled at the boy. “Besides, it’s good for you to see you can be social without the help of alcohol”, he added. Taemin shot his gaze to Jinki’s face, looking utterly shocked. Jinki knew he was taking a risk talking about this but his gut instinct was usually right.
“What, I mean how do you know?” Taemin’s voice was trembling now. “How do you why I drink?”
“I didn’t, I just guessed. And seems like I was right”, Jinki answered. “But don’t worry, we don’t need to talk about it right now”, he added as Taemin started to look like he was going to get a panic attack.
Taemin just nodded, looking beaten. Jinki felt bad about ruining the mood but at least he now knew a bit more about the boy. He also knew that things were never that simple, it wasn’t like getting Taemin over his shyness would solve everything. But it was a start. They arrived at the parking lot and Jinki tuned off the car. He quickly patted Taemin’s forearm before unbuckling his seatbelt. “Let’s go Taemin, it’s time to start the meeting.”
“Nice to see you guys again”, Jinki flashed a smile. “Today I’d like to discuss about the things you wrote down after our previous meeting. You don’t have to read everything aloud, just tell us the most important parts”.
He looked around the circle and everybody else started getting their notebooks from their bags besides Kibum. It didn’t surprise Jinki at all, the boy clearly didn’t want to be there. They were all sitting in same chairs as last time which meant Kibum was seated next to him. The boy looked tired and smelled like some musky cologne that, Jinki was sure, wasn’t his. He had a purple scarf around his neck but Jinki could spot a small love bite just below his jawbone. Jinki decided not to bring up the subject right now, Kibum would probably just withdraw even more into his personal world.
“Taemin, would you like to start?” Jinki asked as he moved his gaze away from Kibum. Taemin fidgeted nervously but nodded.
“I just wrote that I’m happy to be here and how it was nice having a small group like this”, Taemin started, sounding as nervous as he looked.
“We’re all nice guys, no need to be afraid of us, we won’t bite”, Jonghyun said jokingly while running his hand trough Taemin’s hair. He clearly liked to have physical contact with people. “Or actually I’m not so sure about Kibum”, he added grinning.
“Looks like he likes to be one being bit”, Minho said quietly, voice lightly amused. Kibum looked outraged, bringing his hands to cover his neck. Jonghyun burst out laughing and Jinki shot him a warning look.
“That’s not your problem, is it?” Kibum’s voice was laid with venom but Minho didn’t even flinch, just stared back. So, seemed like Jinki had to bring up the subject after all.
“Kibum, is there something you’d like to share with us?” He asked and as expected Kibum shot a murderous look at his direction as well.
“What I do with my free time is none of your business. I’m a grown up, I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do”, Kibum hissed.
“It is if you’re feeding your addiction”, Jinki said softly.
“What bloody addiction? Fuck this, I’m just having sex, it’s not like I’m drunk every single day or something.” Kibum was angry now and Jinki could see the way he was gripping the edge of the chair, knuckles white. Jinki glanced at Taemin who looked he was going to start crying any minute now.
“Kibum, whether or not you want to admit it you clearly have an addiction”, Jinki cut in. It was a good thing the boy was talking but he couldn’t risk Taemin getting hurt. “And your addiction is not any better than anyone else’s.” Kibum followed Jinki’s gaze and something like regret passed his face as he saw the expression in Taemin’s face.
“Taemin, just forget what I said”, Kibum sighed and coming from Kibum’s mouth Jinki thought it was nearly as good as an apology. Taemin nodded but didn’t look any happier.
“Just continue, Taemin. It’s okay”, Jinki encouraged the boy. Taemin did as told but clearly Kibum’s comment had made him feel awful about himself and he kept his speech short.
After that the three other boys told what they had written down. Taemin, Minho and Jonghyun’s stories were quite similar. About how they were happy to finally do something about getting over their addiction, about how they weren’t happy with their lives and wanted it to change. Minho hoped he could do sports in the future without losing his self-control and going too far. Kibum didn’t have his journal with him, “Forgot to bring it”, was his excuse. He made up something about wanting to settle down with a nice girl and have plenty of kids. He was lying and Jinki knew he wasn’t the only one aware of it. After Kibum’s outburst earlier both Minho and Jonghyun were weighting his every word more carefully.
“Thanks for sharing your writings with us”, Jinki said as everybody was finished. Now was the part he wasn’t too excited about. Even though Jinki wasn’t ashamed of his past or anything he didn’t like talking about it. However he knew he needed to do it. If he wanted everybody to be honest with him he had to lead the way.
“I’m going to talk a bit about myself today. About my addiction and how it took over my life”, Jinki smiled. He smiled almost too much, he knew it, but he used to have so little to smile about he couldn’t help it.
“I’ve never been really popular or anything but I’ve always had a few close friends and a loving family. My problems started when I was fifteen and realised for the first time I was gay. It was a shock; I didn’t want to admit it. There was this one guy in my school who showed some interest in me and instead of being happy I felt crushed. I have always liked eating and just then it became a way of suffocating my feelings. I figured if I was unattractive enough no one would want me and I wouldn’t have to face the fact I liked boys.” All eyes were fixed on Jinki now. Even Kibum was listening closely even if he tried to look indifferent. He noticed that there a weird expression on Taemin’s face but he wasn’t sure what part of his story had caused it.
“In my messed up mind that seemed completely logical”, Jinki laughed softly. “If I was sad I ate comfort food, if I was happy I celebrated it with something good. I eventually got over my crisis and realised it was okay to be gay but at that point my eating was out of control. All my emotions were linked to food. It was a friend and a shoulder I could lean on. Finally my mother said that he was going to take me to an AA meeting. She said she didn’t care what I looked like but I wasn’t happy the way I was and needed help. She was right of course. After the first meeting I cried for hours, that’s when I realised I wanted to change. I needed to change”.
Jinki kept a small pause, letting everybody gather their thoughts. It had been a long time Jinki had talked about these things but the words just kept coming. Taemin was hugging his knees to his chest and playing with the hem of his hoodie. Jonghyun was staring at the floor, for once without his signature grin. Only Minho and Kibum were staring straight at him, their faces like stone.
“It was hard for me. I’ve always been a true nerd and wanted to do well in everything. Admitting that you were addicted wasn’t easy. It wasn’t just about the fact I was eating more that I should, it was about admitting that I was weak. Admitting that it was the addiction controlling my life, not me. But after saying everything out loud I felt so relieved. I could finally talk about things instead of locking them inside me. There were people who were in the same situation, people who didn’t judge you but instead were there for you. I hope this group can help you as much as it helped me. I’m still not completely over my addiction, probably never will be, but I’m on the right road.”
Jinki felt almost exhausted when he finished. But he felt proud of himself as well. Talking was a part of recovering, he needed to encourage those who were still in the beginning of their journey. He decided this was enough for now, surely all of them would have something to think about.
“That’s all for today. I wish you a nice weekend and see you next week”, Jinki told them. Everyone muttered something and stood up. Jinki packed his bag and followed the others out. He had one last thing to do.
“Kibum, can I have a word with you?” Jinki asked and tried not to smile at the pained expression on Kibum’s face. The boy didn’t answer but stopped and faced Jinki.
“I know you don’t want to be here and you don’t believe you have any addiction”, Jinki started. Kibum was about to disagree but Jinki silenced him by raising his hand. “I know it’s true, no point denying it. I can’t force you to take this seriously, but I do believe you could learn something important if you just decided to let your walls down.”
“Lovely. Is that all?” Key sighed exaggeratedly.
“Not quite. I want to ask you for a favour.” Jinki told him. “Even if you decide not to take most of it, I’d like you to at least try and help the others. I’m sure you’d be able to. You’re not a bad person, Kibum.”
“Is this your idea of sweet talking me into being your little puppet?” Key snorted.
“Sort of”, Jinki gave him a grin. “But I know you’re really smart and I’m quite sure you’re also good at reading people. You can also be cunning in a way I can’t. I think that you could help those three other if you just stopped thinking this is none of your business. Especially Taemin could learn a bit of self confidence from you.”
As Jinki had presumed, mention of Taemin made the scowl in Kibum’s face soften a tiny bit. The boy looked thoughtful for a moment and then nodded.
“Fine, I can do my best to try and help this group of losers”, Key announced. Jinki smiled widely.
“Great! Could you start by giving our magnae a ride home as I need to go and see my friend?” Jinki asked him, giving his best puppy eyes.
“I knew you were after something”, Kibum murmured but turned around and started walking towards his car. “Taemin, come here, I’m taking you home!” he yelled at the boy who quickly did as he was told. Jinki chuckled to himself as he heard Jonghyun shout something like “Isn’t he a bit too young for you”. Kibum gave him a glare that would have made most grown up men bow in shame but Jonghyun’s smile didn’t fade.
While driving to his friend’s place Jinki kept thinking about the group he was dealing with. It was always good to have one Jonghyun, a person who would speak first and think afterwards. Minho could clearly get easily under Kibum’s skin and it was needed if they wanted to melt the ice prince. Taemin was the type of person to make people feel protective around him which would mean they would be easy on him. And Kibum, well that boy was riddle to be solved but Jinki believed that once they managed to break his defense he might be just what the group needed. This was definitely going to be interesting.
A/N2: I'm not really that pleased with this chapter but it was needed to get things going. Next chapter will be from Jonghyun's pov so it's gonna be more interesting. trust me. Anyway I love comments, even criticism. Let me know what you think!
chapter 1
“Hop in before you freeze to death”, Jinki shouted to Taemin who nearly fell over in surprise. Taemin turned quickly to see who it was and relaxed when he saw Jinki’s smiling face. The boy obeyed and climbed in the car. When he was safely inside Jinki accelerated again. He glanced at the boy who was shivering next to him, his nose all red. Jinki turned up the heat.
“Why were you walking? The bus stop’s right next to the building”, Jinki asked.
“I, I lost my wallet today. And my bus ticket was inside”, Taemin explained, his voice unsure. The boy looked uncomfortable and kept shifting in his seat. It was obvious he was lying.
“By losing it you mean someone stole it?” Jinki kept his voice low and calm, not wanting to scare the boy. Taemin just dropped his head and didn’t answer.
“Did you tell your parents about it?” Jinki kept questioning. This time Taemin looked at him with desperate look on his face.
“No, I don’t want to make them worry, you’re not gonna tell them, are you?” Taemin pleaded. Jinki felt his throat tighten. It was in his nature to be protective but he just had to fight down the urge to hug this kid.
“As said, everything you tell me is confidential. Don’t worry about it”, Jinki reassured the kid who gave him a relieved smile. Taemin seemed to relax a bit and moved along to the song coming from the radio.
“This band’s called SHINee, right?” Jinki asked even though he knew the answer already.
“Yeah, they’re my favourite band!” Taemin’s voice was now laid with emotion. “This song, Lucifer, is really good. I’m trying to learn the choreography. It’s pretty difficult but that makes it more fun.”
It was amazing how Taemin was suddenly bursting with energy. The boy was mouthing the words while doing some weird looking movement where he held his hands in front of himself, index fingers pointing up. Jinki smiled warmly as he watched the other.
“You clearly like dancing. Are you taking some lessons?” Jinki bit back a laughter as the boy was making some “stage faces” while continuing with the dancing.
“Nope, I just watch videos from Youtube and try to copy the moves. I want to be a dancer when I grow up”, Taemin explained and for the first time he was smiling a genuine, happy smile. Then he slammed a hand over his mouth and blushed.”I’m sorry, I’m babbling. Surely you’re not interested.”
“Quite the opposite. I’m happy to find out what kind of things you like”, Jinki smiled at the boy. “Besides, it’s good for you to see you can be social without the help of alcohol”, he added. Taemin shot his gaze to Jinki’s face, looking utterly shocked. Jinki knew he was taking a risk talking about this but his gut instinct was usually right.
“What, I mean how do you know?” Taemin’s voice was trembling now. “How do you why I drink?”
“I didn’t, I just guessed. And seems like I was right”, Jinki answered. “But don’t worry, we don’t need to talk about it right now”, he added as Taemin started to look like he was going to get a panic attack.
Taemin just nodded, looking beaten. Jinki felt bad about ruining the mood but at least he now knew a bit more about the boy. He also knew that things were never that simple, it wasn’t like getting Taemin over his shyness would solve everything. But it was a start. They arrived at the parking lot and Jinki tuned off the car. He quickly patted Taemin’s forearm before unbuckling his seatbelt. “Let’s go Taemin, it’s time to start the meeting.”
“Nice to see you guys again”, Jinki flashed a smile. “Today I’d like to discuss about the things you wrote down after our previous meeting. You don’t have to read everything aloud, just tell us the most important parts”.
He looked around the circle and everybody else started getting their notebooks from their bags besides Kibum. It didn’t surprise Jinki at all, the boy clearly didn’t want to be there. They were all sitting in same chairs as last time which meant Kibum was seated next to him. The boy looked tired and smelled like some musky cologne that, Jinki was sure, wasn’t his. He had a purple scarf around his neck but Jinki could spot a small love bite just below his jawbone. Jinki decided not to bring up the subject right now, Kibum would probably just withdraw even more into his personal world.
“Taemin, would you like to start?” Jinki asked as he moved his gaze away from Kibum. Taemin fidgeted nervously but nodded.
“I just wrote that I’m happy to be here and how it was nice having a small group like this”, Taemin started, sounding as nervous as he looked.
“We’re all nice guys, no need to be afraid of us, we won’t bite”, Jonghyun said jokingly while running his hand trough Taemin’s hair. He clearly liked to have physical contact with people. “Or actually I’m not so sure about Kibum”, he added grinning.
“Looks like he likes to be one being bit”, Minho said quietly, voice lightly amused. Kibum looked outraged, bringing his hands to cover his neck. Jonghyun burst out laughing and Jinki shot him a warning look.
“That’s not your problem, is it?” Kibum’s voice was laid with venom but Minho didn’t even flinch, just stared back. So, seemed like Jinki had to bring up the subject after all.
“Kibum, is there something you’d like to share with us?” He asked and as expected Kibum shot a murderous look at his direction as well.
“What I do with my free time is none of your business. I’m a grown up, I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do”, Kibum hissed.
“It is if you’re feeding your addiction”, Jinki said softly.
“What bloody addiction? Fuck this, I’m just having sex, it’s not like I’m drunk every single day or something.” Kibum was angry now and Jinki could see the way he was gripping the edge of the chair, knuckles white. Jinki glanced at Taemin who looked he was going to start crying any minute now.
“Kibum, whether or not you want to admit it you clearly have an addiction”, Jinki cut in. It was a good thing the boy was talking but he couldn’t risk Taemin getting hurt. “And your addiction is not any better than anyone else’s.” Kibum followed Jinki’s gaze and something like regret passed his face as he saw the expression in Taemin’s face.
“Taemin, just forget what I said”, Kibum sighed and coming from Kibum’s mouth Jinki thought it was nearly as good as an apology. Taemin nodded but didn’t look any happier.
“Just continue, Taemin. It’s okay”, Jinki encouraged the boy. Taemin did as told but clearly Kibum’s comment had made him feel awful about himself and he kept his speech short.
After that the three other boys told what they had written down. Taemin, Minho and Jonghyun’s stories were quite similar. About how they were happy to finally do something about getting over their addiction, about how they weren’t happy with their lives and wanted it to change. Minho hoped he could do sports in the future without losing his self-control and going too far. Kibum didn’t have his journal with him, “Forgot to bring it”, was his excuse. He made up something about wanting to settle down with a nice girl and have plenty of kids. He was lying and Jinki knew he wasn’t the only one aware of it. After Kibum’s outburst earlier both Minho and Jonghyun were weighting his every word more carefully.
“Thanks for sharing your writings with us”, Jinki said as everybody was finished. Now was the part he wasn’t too excited about. Even though Jinki wasn’t ashamed of his past or anything he didn’t like talking about it. However he knew he needed to do it. If he wanted everybody to be honest with him he had to lead the way.
“I’m going to talk a bit about myself today. About my addiction and how it took over my life”, Jinki smiled. He smiled almost too much, he knew it, but he used to have so little to smile about he couldn’t help it.
“I’ve never been really popular or anything but I’ve always had a few close friends and a loving family. My problems started when I was fifteen and realised for the first time I was gay. It was a shock; I didn’t want to admit it. There was this one guy in my school who showed some interest in me and instead of being happy I felt crushed. I have always liked eating and just then it became a way of suffocating my feelings. I figured if I was unattractive enough no one would want me and I wouldn’t have to face the fact I liked boys.” All eyes were fixed on Jinki now. Even Kibum was listening closely even if he tried to look indifferent. He noticed that there a weird expression on Taemin’s face but he wasn’t sure what part of his story had caused it.
“In my messed up mind that seemed completely logical”, Jinki laughed softly. “If I was sad I ate comfort food, if I was happy I celebrated it with something good. I eventually got over my crisis and realised it was okay to be gay but at that point my eating was out of control. All my emotions were linked to food. It was a friend and a shoulder I could lean on. Finally my mother said that he was going to take me to an AA meeting. She said she didn’t care what I looked like but I wasn’t happy the way I was and needed help. She was right of course. After the first meeting I cried for hours, that’s when I realised I wanted to change. I needed to change”.
Jinki kept a small pause, letting everybody gather their thoughts. It had been a long time Jinki had talked about these things but the words just kept coming. Taemin was hugging his knees to his chest and playing with the hem of his hoodie. Jonghyun was staring at the floor, for once without his signature grin. Only Minho and Kibum were staring straight at him, their faces like stone.
“It was hard for me. I’ve always been a true nerd and wanted to do well in everything. Admitting that you were addicted wasn’t easy. It wasn’t just about the fact I was eating more that I should, it was about admitting that I was weak. Admitting that it was the addiction controlling my life, not me. But after saying everything out loud I felt so relieved. I could finally talk about things instead of locking them inside me. There were people who were in the same situation, people who didn’t judge you but instead were there for you. I hope this group can help you as much as it helped me. I’m still not completely over my addiction, probably never will be, but I’m on the right road.”
Jinki felt almost exhausted when he finished. But he felt proud of himself as well. Talking was a part of recovering, he needed to encourage those who were still in the beginning of their journey. He decided this was enough for now, surely all of them would have something to think about.
“That’s all for today. I wish you a nice weekend and see you next week”, Jinki told them. Everyone muttered something and stood up. Jinki packed his bag and followed the others out. He had one last thing to do.
“Kibum, can I have a word with you?” Jinki asked and tried not to smile at the pained expression on Kibum’s face. The boy didn’t answer but stopped and faced Jinki.
“I know you don’t want to be here and you don’t believe you have any addiction”, Jinki started. Kibum was about to disagree but Jinki silenced him by raising his hand. “I know it’s true, no point denying it. I can’t force you to take this seriously, but I do believe you could learn something important if you just decided to let your walls down.”
“Lovely. Is that all?” Key sighed exaggeratedly.
“Not quite. I want to ask you for a favour.” Jinki told him. “Even if you decide not to take most of it, I’d like you to at least try and help the others. I’m sure you’d be able to. You’re not a bad person, Kibum.”
“Is this your idea of sweet talking me into being your little puppet?” Key snorted.
“Sort of”, Jinki gave him a grin. “But I know you’re really smart and I’m quite sure you’re also good at reading people. You can also be cunning in a way I can’t. I think that you could help those three other if you just stopped thinking this is none of your business. Especially Taemin could learn a bit of self confidence from you.”
As Jinki had presumed, mention of Taemin made the scowl in Kibum’s face soften a tiny bit. The boy looked thoughtful for a moment and then nodded.
“Fine, I can do my best to try and help this group of losers”, Key announced. Jinki smiled widely.
“Great! Could you start by giving our magnae a ride home as I need to go and see my friend?” Jinki asked him, giving his best puppy eyes.
“I knew you were after something”, Kibum murmured but turned around and started walking towards his car. “Taemin, come here, I’m taking you home!” he yelled at the boy who quickly did as he was told. Jinki chuckled to himself as he heard Jonghyun shout something like “Isn’t he a bit too young for you”. Kibum gave him a glare that would have made most grown up men bow in shame but Jonghyun’s smile didn’t fade.
While driving to his friend’s place Jinki kept thinking about the group he was dealing with. It was always good to have one Jonghyun, a person who would speak first and think afterwards. Minho could clearly get easily under Kibum’s skin and it was needed if they wanted to melt the ice prince. Taemin was the type of person to make people feel protective around him which would mean they would be easy on him. And Kibum, well that boy was riddle to be solved but Jinki believed that once they managed to break his defense he might be just what the group needed. This was definitely going to be interesting.
A/N2: I'm not really that pleased with this chapter but it was needed to get things going. Next chapter will be from Jonghyun's pov so it's gonna be more interesting. trust me. Anyway I love comments, even criticism. Let me know what you think!
chapter 1