Apr 25, 2007 12:39
I had two days off work. I didn't do much, some might even call it relaxing....
I though I was ok. Thought I could cope with it all.
I am definitely not coping. And I am definitely not ok.
Cried after seeing a patient on ICU this morning, for no reason. I just felt...incapable...and "young"
I feel so naive, lacking in life experience, but most of lacking in common sense.
Wrote the notes with a lump in my throat, felt the tears welling up...
Shoved them in the folder, and legged it to the nearest toilet, and sobbed mercilessly.
Next job on another ward. Washed my face, re-applied mascara, and generally attempted to pull myself together.
On the ward, I just broke down...i couldn't bring myself to see any patients.
Ended up flicking through notes...talking to nurses and....just looking busy.
Felt slightly queasy and went to the loo.
Amidst more tears i wretched time and time again, bringing up water and acid.
Bleeped another physio and said i needed to go home.
Cried all the way home. Walking home with my bike, 2 lorries had to pass each other on the stupidly narrow roads in guernsey. They both waited for me to move into a drive, and then mounted the pavement. They needn't have waited. I wouldn't mind dying. At least then i could stop lying to myself and everyone around me. I thought about it a lot more...too much more. A few ideas of how i could lie in wait round a blind corner and step out in front of cars/trucks/lorries...
Its still all about me...if i made it look like an accident, then people would be more sympathetic and remember me for how they knew me, and not, "oh...she was mentally unstable, and needed help"
I cannot escape from under this blanket of sadness. Self centered, pathetic, whingy sadness. *le sigh*
I'm not going in tomorrow...but i don't know what to do.
Tis complicated....