(no subject)
This week has really kinda been a mixed bag with me for some reason. It is very weird being able to eat whatever I want. I've kinda been having a constant sugar rush since then, which is a bad thing for my weight I guess. Oh well, I'm going to be working out sometime this month anyway (lol yeah right, but I can plan, can't I?) so hopefully I can work it off.
I've also kinda been forced to be really introspective lately, which is always a dangerous thing with me because my self esteem has always been close to naught. If you guys haven't been able to tell already, I've been going through my quarter-life crisis kinda. To be honest though, the roots of it go really deep, deeper than I care to admit. It's never a good feeling not knowing what the hell my future is going to be like, and not even being sure who the hell I am. And it is really scary, trying to take steps towards figuring that crap out, but at the same time, I am so afraid of making more mistakes concerning my life that the thought of getting crap sorted out is incredibly frightening to me.
My therapist (gawd, I know I have to mention her in like every post I've made lately, but that's only because really I'd probably be dead by now or something had I not spoken to SOMEONE about my life) has been trying to get me to dig really deep into my past and my paranoia when it comes to how I think others view me and think about me. And it has really been difficult for me to admit that paranoia, but I didn't even really realize until Monday when I was talking to her about it how paranoid I really am. Seriously, the thought that others might disapprove of me for any reason drives me mad, and I go out of my way to run away from situations where people might not like me or think I am mistaken (even to the point where I refuse to share my opinions or any aspect of my life, really). And when people treat me like shit (like some people have this week for really absolutely NO reason) it really tears me up inside and tears my psyche wide open.
Anyway, not related to the previous paragraph, but tonight I got my crap in gear and decided to go to a support group. It was kinda awkward because it always is, being a newcomer in an ongoing support group where people have already formed their own cliques. So you simultaneously have to get a feel for everyone that is there, find out who are the crazies (not the good kind) and who are the decent people, know who hangs out with whom, etc., while also trying to find a place for yourself as well. It's a weekly thing but at the same time as my old club meetings, so it's either one or another. I see everyone at the club anyway in classes and stuff so I don't really care about those meetings anyway, plus they are boring. Anyway, it was nice, I met this pretty cool dude named Randy (or Randi? I dunno) who was old in that nice, but haggard and "has seen everything life has to offer" way. I also saw someone I already know from Lifelong, which will be interesting tomorrow when I go back there to volunteer some more (I need something to fill my evenings with to get away from all the crap here).
But yeah, the thought of the future really fills me with fear. I can't continue living life the way I have been for pretty much my entire life, I know that much. I can't continue the guilt, the paranoia, the fear, and that feeling in your gut when you contemplate the idea that your life will never amount to anything, you will never find happiness, etc. Yet, when I contemplate changing things for the better, I feel that same fear, wondering if I will screw things up yet again, whether this is really the right thing for me, what the hell I'm going to do, and whether I will EVER figure myself out. And it doesn't help that I have progesterone coursing through my veins at the speed of light right now. It was SO horrible especially a few days ago, I was honestly on the verge of throwing myself out of the window, I was bawling so much that I don't have much skin left on the bottom of my nose and went through an entire box of kleenex.
It's hard, because I feel so hopeless the way things are now, and feel hopeless about changing myself for the better, and can't really tell this to anyone really close to me because I am afraid of being wrong and losing even more credibility than even more with people.
And now I'm really depressed because I'm not going to be able to move out into that apt with my friends until September rather than the summer, and have to go through one more summer of being a worthless bum living in a worthless town with my Mom and my brother, and having to put on that fake smile and make sure that mom's almost-perfect daughter doesn't slip even more.
I really don't know. I feel so lost.
I've also kinda been forced to be really introspective lately, which is always a dangerous thing with me because my self esteem has always been close to naught. If you guys haven't been able to tell already, I've been going through my quarter-life crisis kinda. To be honest though, the roots of it go really deep, deeper than I care to admit. It's never a good feeling not knowing what the hell my future is going to be like, and not even being sure who the hell I am. And it is really scary, trying to take steps towards figuring that crap out, but at the same time, I am so afraid of making more mistakes concerning my life that the thought of getting crap sorted out is incredibly frightening to me.
My therapist (gawd, I know I have to mention her in like every post I've made lately, but that's only because really I'd probably be dead by now or something had I not spoken to SOMEONE about my life) has been trying to get me to dig really deep into my past and my paranoia when it comes to how I think others view me and think about me. And it has really been difficult for me to admit that paranoia, but I didn't even really realize until Monday when I was talking to her about it how paranoid I really am. Seriously, the thought that others might disapprove of me for any reason drives me mad, and I go out of my way to run away from situations where people might not like me or think I am mistaken (even to the point where I refuse to share my opinions or any aspect of my life, really). And when people treat me like shit (like some people have this week for really absolutely NO reason) it really tears me up inside and tears my psyche wide open.
Anyway, not related to the previous paragraph, but tonight I got my crap in gear and decided to go to a support group. It was kinda awkward because it always is, being a newcomer in an ongoing support group where people have already formed their own cliques. So you simultaneously have to get a feel for everyone that is there, find out who are the crazies (not the good kind) and who are the decent people, know who hangs out with whom, etc., while also trying to find a place for yourself as well. It's a weekly thing but at the same time as my old club meetings, so it's either one or another. I see everyone at the club anyway in classes and stuff so I don't really care about those meetings anyway, plus they are boring. Anyway, it was nice, I met this pretty cool dude named Randy (or Randi? I dunno) who was old in that nice, but haggard and "has seen everything life has to offer" way. I also saw someone I already know from Lifelong, which will be interesting tomorrow when I go back there to volunteer some more (I need something to fill my evenings with to get away from all the crap here).
But yeah, the thought of the future really fills me with fear. I can't continue living life the way I have been for pretty much my entire life, I know that much. I can't continue the guilt, the paranoia, the fear, and that feeling in your gut when you contemplate the idea that your life will never amount to anything, you will never find happiness, etc. Yet, when I contemplate changing things for the better, I feel that same fear, wondering if I will screw things up yet again, whether this is really the right thing for me, what the hell I'm going to do, and whether I will EVER figure myself out. And it doesn't help that I have progesterone coursing through my veins at the speed of light right now. It was SO horrible especially a few days ago, I was honestly on the verge of throwing myself out of the window, I was bawling so much that I don't have much skin left on the bottom of my nose and went through an entire box of kleenex.
It's hard, because I feel so hopeless the way things are now, and feel hopeless about changing myself for the better, and can't really tell this to anyone really close to me because I am afraid of being wrong and losing even more credibility than even more with people.
And now I'm really depressed because I'm not going to be able to move out into that apt with my friends until September rather than the summer, and have to go through one more summer of being a worthless bum living in a worthless town with my Mom and my brother, and having to put on that fake smile and make sure that mom's almost-perfect daughter doesn't slip even more.
I really don't know. I feel so lost.