Crumbling before my eyes...

Dec 11, 2008 20:48

I realize that I'm probably being a little dramatic here and I may possibly be a little more emotional than usual due to the fact that I'm on my period, but....

I feel like everything is just crumbling before my eyes. Nothing is going the way that I want it to work. I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like a failure in everything that I do.

Another thought: why would anybody want to be my friend? What do I give people? Nothing. I'm always complaining, always unhappy, i'm fucking needy, that's the bottom line. Why would anybody want to be my friend? Why would anybody put up with me? I feel so alone. I feel so isolated. Dana is such an amazing person, she gives me so much and all I can manage to do is call her up crying every other day when I've just had some epiphany about how else I'm not happy or satisfied with my life. She is doing me such a huge favor and providing Doron with a friend and somebody that he can talk to... because, well, he doesn't talk to me anymore... because he doesn't trust me.

Why should anybody trust me? My lies are blurring with reality. I don't know whats what anymore. I don't know what I want... All I know is what I wanted. All I know is the kind of life that I had planned for myself and I don't have that anymore. I was going to go to move into an apartment with Doron in Yaffo somewhere, go to the same school as him, study behavioral science while he studied computer science. He would finish a year before me, which would give him time to work and save money. I would use the summers to work and save up as much money as possible. Then after I graduated, Doron and I would go traveling... maybe somewhere along the way he would propose, with us both being done with school and him being 28 and I 26. Then we'd come back and both get jobs and start our lives, our adult lives, together. Was that too much to ask for? Was it so unrealistic that God felt the need to just shatter it into a million pieces.

I want to know what I did in my past life that I don't get a fucking break.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I know that I can be good and do well. I know that somewhere inside me there is this strength... but it's hidden now and I can't find it.

Won't somebody help me find it again?
Won't somebody give me a leg up and tell me the secret to succeeding in life?
Won't somebody teach me how to be whole again?

On the other hand, why can't I just be thankful for what I do have? Why can't I be thankful that I do have such an amazing friend like Dana? Why can't I be thankful for the fact that me and my younger brothers are closer now than we've ever been and the same with my Mom? Why can't I be thankful for the fact that Doron is even in my life, even if it isn't the exact way that I want? Why can't I be thankful that my grandmother is moving to Israel next year, that Sagiv is getting out of the army, that Edon is doing well in school, that I have a good paying job that will help me save for school next year, that my mother has room to let me live at home for free, that my job is 15 minutes away from my house, that I have people that love me everywhere in the world? Why can't all of these amazing things be enough? Why do I have to have EVERYthing?
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