If I'm not dead enough for life? Am I alive enough for death?
To all the people who know me and all those who dont,
This whole bloggyjournal thingy is to explain my recent absence from everything and why I have fallen into hiding from the scene I love so...or loved so. Why I am no longer going to be the DD or Miss DD you all know or are used to.
First off, my friend's death opened up a part of me that has been locked away for years and i can't get it to go away and I have started to embrace it and have let it take ahold of me. I honestly cant handle anything...let alone go out. I am avoiding so I dont get my feelings mixed or snap at someone for nothing or just feel...His death was a major blow to me and events that occured after made me rethink all in my life and life in general.
Second, since I have started re-evaluating my life, all my problems (mental and physical) have popped up again stronger than before. And for those who decided to open thier mouths and say things without finding out the whole situation or ask me anything about it before posting....here are some of your answers..I have gotten help before...I had to stop going...I have to wait till I go back to school...that is my long story short. Anyways, yes I am still fighting everything I have...if you really want to know just ask...I will not disclose here...but I am not afraid to tell you as long as you ask. I am fighting off more than I can. But I am fighting. I do not think I can win much longer. I am a huge liar guys. When you see me out I'm faking. I am not happy, cheerful, bouncy, or whatever you see me as...I am not that at all...If you would take time to look in my eyes..you would see my facade. I fake it to make everyone happy...I will do anything to keep my friends happy. I love to see you guys smile. But cant you guys see that is to mask my sadness...heh...I do a great job of hiding it from people. I cant hide any longer...So yeah...sorry...sorry if my mood is wacky..
Third and hopefully the last, I am lost. My thoughts have been so morbid as of late. I feel dead inside. I have been dead feeling and unfazed by my own self. I have Anthony. He is what keeps me going day to day. Sometimes on a really bad day I think that even he is not enough to make life seem brighter or worth it. It is more than anything just to have him. Why am I this way? My soul is fading, things that once made me happy....have yet to make me even crack a smile or even want to go out and do it...I am not happy..I am not me...I am DEAD....you got it I am gone...maybe the magic I once had will return...but until then I am not going to be seeing you guys...I just dont want to go out...or be next to anyone...or have anyone see me but Anthony....and a select few..you guys know who you are...but Anthony is my all and gets my all..I love him....I will make my return...I dont know when...but I will...and I will be strong and I will be a better me...
If you gots any questions...just ask me...especially if you are going to make a comment that would require some knowledge of the whole situation.
Me
This whole bloggyjournal thingy is to explain my recent absence from everything and why I have fallen into hiding from the scene I love so...or loved so. Why I am no longer going to be the DD or Miss DD you all know or are used to.
First off, my friend's death opened up a part of me that has been locked away for years and i can't get it to go away and I have started to embrace it and have let it take ahold of me. I honestly cant handle anything...let alone go out. I am avoiding so I dont get my feelings mixed or snap at someone for nothing or just feel...His death was a major blow to me and events that occured after made me rethink all in my life and life in general.
Second, since I have started re-evaluating my life, all my problems (mental and physical) have popped up again stronger than before. And for those who decided to open thier mouths and say things without finding out the whole situation or ask me anything about it before posting....here are some of your answers..I have gotten help before...I had to stop going...I have to wait till I go back to school...that is my long story short. Anyways, yes I am still fighting everything I have...if you really want to know just ask...I will not disclose here...but I am not afraid to tell you as long as you ask. I am fighting off more than I can. But I am fighting. I do not think I can win much longer. I am a huge liar guys. When you see me out I'm faking. I am not happy, cheerful, bouncy, or whatever you see me as...I am not that at all...If you would take time to look in my eyes..you would see my facade. I fake it to make everyone happy...I will do anything to keep my friends happy. I love to see you guys smile. But cant you guys see that is to mask my sadness...heh...I do a great job of hiding it from people. I cant hide any longer...So yeah...sorry...sorry if my mood is wacky..
Third and hopefully the last, I am lost. My thoughts have been so morbid as of late. I feel dead inside. I have been dead feeling and unfazed by my own self. I have Anthony. He is what keeps me going day to day. Sometimes on a really bad day I think that even he is not enough to make life seem brighter or worth it. It is more than anything just to have him. Why am I this way? My soul is fading, things that once made me happy....have yet to make me even crack a smile or even want to go out and do it...I am not happy..I am not me...I am DEAD....you got it I am gone...maybe the magic I once had will return...but until then I am not going to be seeing you guys...I just dont want to go out...or be next to anyone...or have anyone see me but Anthony....and a select few..you guys know who you are...but Anthony is my all and gets my all..I love him....I will make my return...I dont know when...but I will...and I will be strong and I will be a better me...
If you gots any questions...just ask me...especially if you are going to make a comment that would require some knowledge of the whole situation.
Me