unimaginable....
Early this morning, Phoenix was on his way to Alabama to visit his family for Christmas. He was in a car accident at starlight and loop 410. My Roomates, my brothers, and my best friend, Phoenix Sylvan Asheral Crow Thornihill are no longer with us. He was hit by a drunk driver who was driving on the oppisite side of the road. He died painlessly and quickly. He was loved by many and will be strongly missed. For any details on the funeral or wake (as the become available) you may call Amanda Tillman at 210-385-7157 or myself Bradley Hulett at 210-725-7582. If you would like to attend the wake please leave a comment on his journal and we will make sure you will be invited.
That was on Thursday morn of the 22nd.....here is what I put on myspace....
I have finally realized that my friend Phoenix is gone. It pains so deeply inside that I am literally numb. Yesterday when I found out I just didnt want to believe it. Refused to believe that his beautiful soul was gone. Just admitting to myself is hurting me. I will miss him dearly. I am trying to be the strong one and not cry in front of people, but I fear my mask will fall off soon.
I never got to say goodbye. So I will here...Dont mind me I just need to get this out.
Phoenix,
I remember the first day we met...I was sitting at Denny's in our booth with the group and you walked by smiling that smile and noticed me...the little midget in the corner...I will never forget how beautiful you looked. How your eyes always sparkled with happiness around friends and loved ones. How your smile never seemed to fade. How you would refuse to see me sad. How you always would let me play with your hair...you knew how I loved it so..I am going to miss you and keep you in my heart forever. You will never know how our talks helped me through alot. I will always love you Phoenix. I will never forget you.
Goodbye Mister Blue Eyes.
He will be missed.....
And now for today......................................................................
I have been off since then..My thoughts seem to run downhill or I fake the happiness to please others...I dont know how to feel..grieving isnt my thing..I just dont know how to explain what is going on with me..I try to be positive and say soon I will get happy again...but there is this nagging feeling inside that I will never be the DD I once was.....I just dont know anymore about anything...does life matter if it can be taken away so fast and unexpectedly...why is it so bad to take your own life then.....why do I always stop myself from reaching the point of no return when I am obviously just going to be this mess for the rest of my life....Questons just beating the shit out of my brain...I am seriously two steps from giving up everything..I honestly can say Anthony is right now the only reason I am still here....but even with how much we love each other...what is there to say if my mood is what kills off the relationship...I love to be around him and I am really truly only happy when I am with him...but I cant be with him alot of the time...and that is when I think and think and think...I want to do stuff with my life....but I cant...I have been trying to learn how to drive...Anthony sometimes let me drive..which does help...the parents on the other hand will tell people they help....nope not at all...I want to get an id...I have been either not sleeping or waking up extremely early and begging them to take me..I actually saved money to get it...and no my mom always says that they are out of gas..i offer to pay for gas and she says no maybe tomorrow..and then she takes off with my aunt to god knows wherever...blah I deal with that everyday...I want to go to college...nope havent gotten to register cuz I need the ride and my parents wont take me....they say SAC is to far....bleh...I keep getting in fights with them over nothing..I have been getting the blame for alot of things I didnt do around the house...I tell them straight out...I am always in my room....Do I ever leave it? Does my door really ever unlock unless I am hungry or have to go to the rr....honestly...they dont think that they are an issue...that they have nothing to do with how i came to be the mess I am....Speaking of hungry....I have been emotional eating like crazy....I eat all the time now...I am extremely saddened by the new weight I have gained...but I cant stop eating...and it doesnt make me feel better...I just cant stop...God I have rambled alot...I dont want to do this anymore...maybe my life is just not worth it...I will never become anything..I am my parents child...and that is enough to set me over the edge...and how close I am from stepping at the moment...temptation to take the lovely pills I miss so much...cravings suck and I fear becoming a bitch because of them....I just want that numbness again.....I long for the numbness. I dont think I can keep myself away from the pills...there are so many waiting to dive into me...then sleeping blissfully in weightlessness I will give up this for a new.....whatever may come my way comes...and whatever you think of it...maybe it just might happen to me...I dont think of it as giving up...I think of it as giving in to the demons I have had for years.....but I dont know...I am fighting.....I am fighting with all my might....
That was on Thursday morn of the 22nd.....here is what I put on myspace....
I have finally realized that my friend Phoenix is gone. It pains so deeply inside that I am literally numb. Yesterday when I found out I just didnt want to believe it. Refused to believe that his beautiful soul was gone. Just admitting to myself is hurting me. I will miss him dearly. I am trying to be the strong one and not cry in front of people, but I fear my mask will fall off soon.
I never got to say goodbye. So I will here...Dont mind me I just need to get this out.
Phoenix,
I remember the first day we met...I was sitting at Denny's in our booth with the group and you walked by smiling that smile and noticed me...the little midget in the corner...I will never forget how beautiful you looked. How your eyes always sparkled with happiness around friends and loved ones. How your smile never seemed to fade. How you would refuse to see me sad. How you always would let me play with your hair...you knew how I loved it so..I am going to miss you and keep you in my heart forever. You will never know how our talks helped me through alot. I will always love you Phoenix. I will never forget you.
Goodbye Mister Blue Eyes.
He will be missed.....
And now for today......................................................................
I have been off since then..My thoughts seem to run downhill or I fake the happiness to please others...I dont know how to feel..grieving isnt my thing..I just dont know how to explain what is going on with me..I try to be positive and say soon I will get happy again...but there is this nagging feeling inside that I will never be the DD I once was.....I just dont know anymore about anything...does life matter if it can be taken away so fast and unexpectedly...why is it so bad to take your own life then.....why do I always stop myself from reaching the point of no return when I am obviously just going to be this mess for the rest of my life....Questons just beating the shit out of my brain...I am seriously two steps from giving up everything..I honestly can say Anthony is right now the only reason I am still here....but even with how much we love each other...what is there to say if my mood is what kills off the relationship...I love to be around him and I am really truly only happy when I am with him...but I cant be with him alot of the time...and that is when I think and think and think...I want to do stuff with my life....but I cant...I have been trying to learn how to drive...Anthony sometimes let me drive..which does help...the parents on the other hand will tell people they help....nope not at all...I want to get an id...I have been either not sleeping or waking up extremely early and begging them to take me..I actually saved money to get it...and no my mom always says that they are out of gas..i offer to pay for gas and she says no maybe tomorrow..and then she takes off with my aunt to god knows wherever...blah I deal with that everyday...I want to go to college...nope havent gotten to register cuz I need the ride and my parents wont take me....they say SAC is to far....bleh...I keep getting in fights with them over nothing..I have been getting the blame for alot of things I didnt do around the house...I tell them straight out...I am always in my room....Do I ever leave it? Does my door really ever unlock unless I am hungry or have to go to the rr....honestly...they dont think that they are an issue...that they have nothing to do with how i came to be the mess I am....Speaking of hungry....I have been emotional eating like crazy....I eat all the time now...I am extremely saddened by the new weight I have gained...but I cant stop eating...and it doesnt make me feel better...I just cant stop...God I have rambled alot...I dont want to do this anymore...maybe my life is just not worth it...I will never become anything..I am my parents child...and that is enough to set me over the edge...and how close I am from stepping at the moment...temptation to take the lovely pills I miss so much...cravings suck and I fear becoming a bitch because of them....I just want that numbness again.....I long for the numbness. I dont think I can keep myself away from the pills...there are so many waiting to dive into me...then sleeping blissfully in weightlessness I will give up this for a new.....whatever may come my way comes...and whatever you think of it...maybe it just might happen to me...I dont think of it as giving up...I think of it as giving in to the demons I have had for years.....but I dont know...I am fighting.....I am fighting with all my might....