Mental Illness
I feel like I'm speaking to ghosts when I update this.
I guess sometimes I just need to get my thoughts down. It just helps me in some way.
I've been dealing with daily (sometimes more than one a day) panic attacks. I've always dealt with these but now that I am not working I have really had time to sit with myself and think about my mental health and what it means.
Without getting into detail, I had to deal with a lot of things on my own as a child and as a teenager. Feelings of inadequacy, fighting/physical abuse at home, abusive boyfriends, severe lack of confidence, constant panic attacks as young girl and not understanding what they were, being a self injurer, among other things.
I was brought up in a family who wanted to support me, however did not understand mental illness and assumed it as a cry of attention, or me just being lazy. I buried myself in other things, books, writing, makeup, boys...anything to help me not have to deal with myself. Getting to know myself.
Over the years, I have been to therapists on and off, but I never was able to connect with one in particular enough to really get a diagnosis, or to really get to the root of any of my issues. I continued to self injure, continued to have panic attacks, continued to deal with bouts of depression. On my own.
Many of you that remember me from that time, remember me as someone who was always in some kind of drama, always dating a different guy, always making things more dramatic and over the top than they had to be. I'm not sure why I made things in my life so difficult.
Now that I am an adult, my anxiety has gotten so much worse. I can't keep a job. I apply to a job, get an interview and nail it with confidence, and as soon as I sign the last paper and officially start my new position, I am suddenly overcome with dread. Intense dread...and it doesn't go away. Every day I wake up to go to work, I am running through how I can get through it. I've been able to do it in the past, however it always comes to a point where I just up and quit, no matter what my situation. I have never given a 2 week notice. I just up and leave. Driving to a job is absolute hell. I consider getting into an accident so I don't have to go. I've called out and made up absolutely over the top lies just so I don't have to leave my house.
Anxiety has completely taken over my life. I'm in the steps of getting Mass Health, so I can finally go back to therapy and really take it seriously. I'm just so scared I will never be able to work. What if I become homeless? What will happen to me? As of now, I feel completely incapable of working. Just the thought of it makes my heart race and my hands clam up. However, the thought of never having money to do anything I love again makes me panic. Then I get into this state of mind where I get lost in a train of thought of everything in my life going wrong.
I'm not sure what to do, what's going to happen, or where to go from here. But I'm trying my hardest to figure out what is going on with me and my life, and how to fix it. I'm just worry life won't wait around for me while I'm figuring it all out.
I guess sometimes I just need to get my thoughts down. It just helps me in some way.
I've been dealing with daily (sometimes more than one a day) panic attacks. I've always dealt with these but now that I am not working I have really had time to sit with myself and think about my mental health and what it means.
Without getting into detail, I had to deal with a lot of things on my own as a child and as a teenager. Feelings of inadequacy, fighting/physical abuse at home, abusive boyfriends, severe lack of confidence, constant panic attacks as young girl and not understanding what they were, being a self injurer, among other things.
I was brought up in a family who wanted to support me, however did not understand mental illness and assumed it as a cry of attention, or me just being lazy. I buried myself in other things, books, writing, makeup, boys...anything to help me not have to deal with myself. Getting to know myself.
Over the years, I have been to therapists on and off, but I never was able to connect with one in particular enough to really get a diagnosis, or to really get to the root of any of my issues. I continued to self injure, continued to have panic attacks, continued to deal with bouts of depression. On my own.
Many of you that remember me from that time, remember me as someone who was always in some kind of drama, always dating a different guy, always making things more dramatic and over the top than they had to be. I'm not sure why I made things in my life so difficult.
Now that I am an adult, my anxiety has gotten so much worse. I can't keep a job. I apply to a job, get an interview and nail it with confidence, and as soon as I sign the last paper and officially start my new position, I am suddenly overcome with dread. Intense dread...and it doesn't go away. Every day I wake up to go to work, I am running through how I can get through it. I've been able to do it in the past, however it always comes to a point where I just up and quit, no matter what my situation. I have never given a 2 week notice. I just up and leave. Driving to a job is absolute hell. I consider getting into an accident so I don't have to go. I've called out and made up absolutely over the top lies just so I don't have to leave my house.
Anxiety has completely taken over my life. I'm in the steps of getting Mass Health, so I can finally go back to therapy and really take it seriously. I'm just so scared I will never be able to work. What if I become homeless? What will happen to me? As of now, I feel completely incapable of working. Just the thought of it makes my heart race and my hands clam up. However, the thought of never having money to do anything I love again makes me panic. Then I get into this state of mind where I get lost in a train of thought of everything in my life going wrong.
I'm not sure what to do, what's going to happen, or where to go from here. But I'm trying my hardest to figure out what is going on with me and my life, and how to fix it. I'm just worry life won't wait around for me while I'm figuring it all out.