man, I suck at updating!
I guess it's been almost a month since I've updated. Haven't really been able to at work since the boys are back but school starts tomorrow so thats good.
On Wednesday we went to Lance's dad's for dinner. We were all sitting in the living room when his dad started asking me when we are going to have a baby. Asking if I've talked to my employer about it etc. Said he can't wait forever. I wanted to cry. I know how badly Lance wanted to have a baby so that his dad could see it. We discussed it when we first found out he had cancer and decided that it was a long shot and since we weren't quite ready, we'd stick to our original plan. But after his dad brought it up, things changed in Lance's mind. When we got home he said to me, "so, do you want to go off your birth control?" The way he said it really upset me because if I said no than I would feel like I was taking an opportunity away from him, that it would be my decision. I waited awhile and didn't say anything, then I said, "you aren't going to like my answer but thanks for putting this all on me" Then he flipped out and said I was being selfish and that I wasn't crying for anyone but myself and that I shouldn't be at all, that I should be there for him and that maybe I would feel differently in his position. The things is, I was really upset that Lance and his dad were hurting over this and that I felt it was all my fault. I know Lance is having a hard time and that he doesn't mean the mean things he says to me but that doesn't mean that I am just going to quietly take it. I strongly feel that we aren't ready for a child yet. Our house is in the middle of rennovation, our job situations aren't ideal....I want to feel prepared when it's time for a baby. He counters that we can make it work and that it would be good for us to have something happy during this time. I disagree. If I get pregnant and his dad doesn't make it, the birth will be a sad day for him. Also, I don't want to be prego and dealing with the stress of the situation whether he's really sick, or didn't make it. I love Lance's dad. And his whole family but this is our life too and I don't think it's a good idea. But I feel sick for taking that away from Lance. But another thing- Joan says everytime I see her that the dr. says that Ken may not make it till Christmas. She's told Lance this directly but he seems to have ignored her or choses not to think about it or whatever. He tried to tell me that "there's a 10 in 100 chance" that his dad would make it to the birth of our child if we start trying right now. I hate to be so negative but I strongly feel that there is a ZERO percent chance that it would happen. I have to remind him how the process works...I can't pop a baby out in four months.
So that's been what's happening lately. Ken is doing chemo and it makes him feel pretty crappy. When we were over there on Saturday Lance and his dad talked about work stuff...about maybe getting Lance in with his company or getting him set up with something in the field. Ken thinks he will be going to work after the chemo finishes in 7 weeks. Lance has always wanted to work with his dad and I worry that he is getting his hopes up and it won't happen. I can't see him being well enough to work in 7 weeks but I really hope that I'm wrong. Lance was really excited that his dad finally brought it up with him.
In other news, we should be finishing our floor next weekend. I'm stripping the rest of the wall paper today so I can paint the bedroom. The only thing we'll need before we can move upstairs is molding and stair railing. Then doors. Tile for the bathrooms and kitchen will be next....hopefully that won't be as strung out as the hardwood. We'll be getting new furniture soon too. I can't wait for the downstairs furniture...finally something COMFORTABLE to sit on!
Rainy is getting big- she was 10 lbs about a month ago at her last appointment. She has her final set of shots next weekend and also her first grooming since we've had her. She really needs it, she looks like a rag a muffin! I can't wait to see how cute she will look...Lance will probably hate it...he likes her all scruffy. She can sit and fetch a ball and I've been working on STAY but she isn't catching on as quickly to that one. She still loves water. She kept trying to get into my dad's pond when we were over there yesterday. I took her to the lake a few weeks ago to see if she could swim. She tried and she likes to be IN the water but I don't think she'll ever be a swimmer.
On Wednesday we went to Lance's dad's for dinner. We were all sitting in the living room when his dad started asking me when we are going to have a baby. Asking if I've talked to my employer about it etc. Said he can't wait forever. I wanted to cry. I know how badly Lance wanted to have a baby so that his dad could see it. We discussed it when we first found out he had cancer and decided that it was a long shot and since we weren't quite ready, we'd stick to our original plan. But after his dad brought it up, things changed in Lance's mind. When we got home he said to me, "so, do you want to go off your birth control?" The way he said it really upset me because if I said no than I would feel like I was taking an opportunity away from him, that it would be my decision. I waited awhile and didn't say anything, then I said, "you aren't going to like my answer but thanks for putting this all on me" Then he flipped out and said I was being selfish and that I wasn't crying for anyone but myself and that I shouldn't be at all, that I should be there for him and that maybe I would feel differently in his position. The things is, I was really upset that Lance and his dad were hurting over this and that I felt it was all my fault. I know Lance is having a hard time and that he doesn't mean the mean things he says to me but that doesn't mean that I am just going to quietly take it. I strongly feel that we aren't ready for a child yet. Our house is in the middle of rennovation, our job situations aren't ideal....I want to feel prepared when it's time for a baby. He counters that we can make it work and that it would be good for us to have something happy during this time. I disagree. If I get pregnant and his dad doesn't make it, the birth will be a sad day for him. Also, I don't want to be prego and dealing with the stress of the situation whether he's really sick, or didn't make it. I love Lance's dad. And his whole family but this is our life too and I don't think it's a good idea. But I feel sick for taking that away from Lance. But another thing- Joan says everytime I see her that the dr. says that Ken may not make it till Christmas. She's told Lance this directly but he seems to have ignored her or choses not to think about it or whatever. He tried to tell me that "there's a 10 in 100 chance" that his dad would make it to the birth of our child if we start trying right now. I hate to be so negative but I strongly feel that there is a ZERO percent chance that it would happen. I have to remind him how the process works...I can't pop a baby out in four months.
So that's been what's happening lately. Ken is doing chemo and it makes him feel pretty crappy. When we were over there on Saturday Lance and his dad talked about work stuff...about maybe getting Lance in with his company or getting him set up with something in the field. Ken thinks he will be going to work after the chemo finishes in 7 weeks. Lance has always wanted to work with his dad and I worry that he is getting his hopes up and it won't happen. I can't see him being well enough to work in 7 weeks but I really hope that I'm wrong. Lance was really excited that his dad finally brought it up with him.
In other news, we should be finishing our floor next weekend. I'm stripping the rest of the wall paper today so I can paint the bedroom. The only thing we'll need before we can move upstairs is molding and stair railing. Then doors. Tile for the bathrooms and kitchen will be next....hopefully that won't be as strung out as the hardwood. We'll be getting new furniture soon too. I can't wait for the downstairs furniture...finally something COMFORTABLE to sit on!
Rainy is getting big- she was 10 lbs about a month ago at her last appointment. She has her final set of shots next weekend and also her first grooming since we've had her. She really needs it, she looks like a rag a muffin! I can't wait to see how cute she will look...Lance will probably hate it...he likes her all scruffy. She can sit and fetch a ball and I've been working on STAY but she isn't catching on as quickly to that one. She still loves water. She kept trying to get into my dad's pond when we were over there yesterday. I took her to the lake a few weeks ago to see if she could swim. She tried and she likes to be IN the water but I don't think she'll ever be a swimmer.