And that's where I am now.
I'm a little sick of this shit. And by a little, I mean really and by this shit I mean everything. I clearly came out of college full of idealism and rainbows and my head right up my ass. I really thought I was instantly going to be successful. Not super successful, of course, but sort of successful at least. I thought I'd get a job in the industry I had chosen, or, as I thought at one point, the industry that had chosen me. That was all before I was (f)unemployed. There's nothing like a little poverty to wake you up to the realities of life after college. Well, poverty's a strong word, I suppose. There's nothing like not being able to do anything and feeling utterly useless to wake you up to life after college is probably better phrasing (though more depressing). At the same time that I was dealing with the idea that I might not be as invaluable to society and higher education as I had previously thought, I was dealing with the idea that I might not be as invaluable to another person as I had previously thought. Turns out I was right about one of those.
As one seemingly very long but realistically very brief chapter of my life was ending, another was beginning. College, my relationship, and my job were all over. Life as a poor graduate was about to begin. The worst part was that I couldn't stop crying. I cried over everything. All the time. It was disgusting. Then the crying stopped, and that's when the numb, empty feeling started. Sitting around the house all day looking for jobs that I wasn't qualified for was turning me into a zombie. That's when I had the following thought and ruined what I couldn't see was a great thing: "hey, maybe I should lower my standards." And that's how I got here. I'm stuck in a shitty job with huge student loan payments living at home with my mother. I swear I'm a real adult.
What's the worst part? That would be the knowledge that I could be so much farther along than I am. I keep going over those "If I had only" scenarios. If I had only given up on that relationship when I should have, I wouldn't have wasted so much time looking for jobs in a very specific area. If I had only tried to get published sooner, I would have gotten that job at the university (though using the word "gotten" makes me think otherwise). If I had only worked harder, I would be where I want to be. But that's all bullshit. I am where I am because I have something to learn, and I think that something is that sometimes I need to just shut up and deal with the shit parts of life. It's not going to be easy, and I'll probably be poor for a long time, but that's going to have to be okay.
And that's where I am now.
As one seemingly very long but realistically very brief chapter of my life was ending, another was beginning. College, my relationship, and my job were all over. Life as a poor graduate was about to begin. The worst part was that I couldn't stop crying. I cried over everything. All the time. It was disgusting. Then the crying stopped, and that's when the numb, empty feeling started. Sitting around the house all day looking for jobs that I wasn't qualified for was turning me into a zombie. That's when I had the following thought and ruined what I couldn't see was a great thing: "hey, maybe I should lower my standards." And that's how I got here. I'm stuck in a shitty job with huge student loan payments living at home with my mother. I swear I'm a real adult.
What's the worst part? That would be the knowledge that I could be so much farther along than I am. I keep going over those "If I had only" scenarios. If I had only given up on that relationship when I should have, I wouldn't have wasted so much time looking for jobs in a very specific area. If I had only tried to get published sooner, I would have gotten that job at the university (though using the word "gotten" makes me think otherwise). If I had only worked harder, I would be where I want to be. But that's all bullshit. I am where I am because I have something to learn, and I think that something is that sometimes I need to just shut up and deal with the shit parts of life. It's not going to be easy, and I'll probably be poor for a long time, but that's going to have to be okay.
And that's where I am now.