vertigo
the stronger their nostalgia, the emptier of recollections it becomes....
for nostalgia does not heighten memory's activity, it does not awaken recollections; it suffices unto itself, unto its own feelings, so fully absorbed is it by its suffering and nothing else
ignorance
i've been more than a little homesick lately. I listened to postal service yesterday and missed colorado's sun. not the sun, because it was out. but the angle from which it hits you when you're hiking up cheyenne mnt to smoke a bowl or skinny dip in the reservoir. that whirlwinded into missing colorado, missing people from colorado, missing chicago, missing new york, missing america......missing. just an overall feeling of longing for something i experienced before. maybe it's not something, not as abstract as all that, it's a finite moment that i think i'm recounting accurately. the fallacy of memory; always betraying.
but it's almost over. so now i miss what i'm currently experiencing. the logic behind it is that if i hang on now, when it's time, it'll be easier to let go; knowing i really had it.
sick update; the good news:
i've read three kundera novels this week (on the fourth)
i know what my tattoo is finally going to be
ben. i don't know what specifically. and i don't want to attach any cliche's or generalizations to taint his name. just ben. he's good news.
AND
i have gone back to raw. but a different kind of raw. the last one was kind of like buying a good charlotte album and saying you're into punk.
i think i got sick so i would realize that i need help. not more or less than anyone else. and i wouldn't say help. guidance. just someone to pull on my hand so i would stop following my own worn footsteps in the vicious cycle i had created. it gave me another chance to startover. but it also made me rely on people i wouldn't ordinarily bother with my trivialities....and they surprised me by caring.
i need to have a little more faith in people, and a little less fear.
...and now that i know, it would be super if i could be completely healthy now. i would like to run.
for nostalgia does not heighten memory's activity, it does not awaken recollections; it suffices unto itself, unto its own feelings, so fully absorbed is it by its suffering and nothing else
ignorance
i've been more than a little homesick lately. I listened to postal service yesterday and missed colorado's sun. not the sun, because it was out. but the angle from which it hits you when you're hiking up cheyenne mnt to smoke a bowl or skinny dip in the reservoir. that whirlwinded into missing colorado, missing people from colorado, missing chicago, missing new york, missing america......missing. just an overall feeling of longing for something i experienced before. maybe it's not something, not as abstract as all that, it's a finite moment that i think i'm recounting accurately. the fallacy of memory; always betraying.
but it's almost over. so now i miss what i'm currently experiencing. the logic behind it is that if i hang on now, when it's time, it'll be easier to let go; knowing i really had it.
sick update; the good news:
i've read three kundera novels this week (on the fourth)
i know what my tattoo is finally going to be
ben. i don't know what specifically. and i don't want to attach any cliche's or generalizations to taint his name. just ben. he's good news.
AND
i have gone back to raw. but a different kind of raw. the last one was kind of like buying a good charlotte album and saying you're into punk.
i think i got sick so i would realize that i need help. not more or less than anyone else. and i wouldn't say help. guidance. just someone to pull on my hand so i would stop following my own worn footsteps in the vicious cycle i had created. it gave me another chance to startover. but it also made me rely on people i wouldn't ordinarily bother with my trivialities....and they surprised me by caring.
i need to have a little more faith in people, and a little less fear.
...and now that i know, it would be super if i could be completely healthy now. i would like to run.