(no subject)
So I think that maybe I'm not being super honest with myself. I don't really know. I just feel lost and I feel like maybe I'm pushing my feelings away again. I don't know.
I spent the night with Ian last night. It was alright. He originally said that he didn't want to hang out so I was kind of sad about that and settling in for a nightin when he texted saying he'd taken a nap and felt better. So I headed over there pretty late. Maybe 10ish and I smoked and drank a shit ton. I don't really remember too many specific details, but we fucked a lot and his bed broke (he says he can fix it.) I don't remember how we ended up going to bed or anything like that but I know he didn't cum. This morning he wanted me to blow him first thing. I think he must have woken me up? Idk. I was really tired. Then he went to go get us breakfast at the co-op and I went to sleep. We ate then he wanted to have sex, but I said I wasn't wet enough yet. Then I said I'd just use lube but I guess he lost his erection and he said he needed a minute. So we fooled around again and it just ended with me blowing him again. I kind of wanted to have sex, but I also kind of didn't. To be perfectly honest I couldn't decide if I was disappointed because we didn't have sex or relieved because I didn't have to. I guess that isn't a good sign that that even crossed my mind. It's harder for me to get turned on in the morning for him now. Honestly, I think it might be harder for me to get in the mood in with him in general anymore. I kind of rely on the pot and alcohol. I guess that also isn't a good sign.
I was still really tired and I did kinda want to have sex. He asked me if I wanted to go to the dispensary and I could stay and we could get fucked up again and I said yes. He then told me to go back to sleep and he'd wake me up in a bit. I went back to sleep and then woke up at aroun 11:30. I came into the living room and laid on the couch and we watched Bob's Burgers for while. I took off his shirt and put on mine and he said something along the lines of me getting all my stuff together so I figured he wanted to head out. Not sure what happened to the getting fucked up and fucking again plan or if he thought I was abandoning it since I got dressed, but that one I actually was a bit disappointed about even though I'm not entirely sure that's what I wanted to do for my entire day off.
Snippets from the night:
-He accidentally called me Alexa. Lol.
-I was lying on the couch and he came and laid next to me and was kissing me and all this stuff. Weird coincidence since I had just mentioned this fond memory to Casey where he and I were lying like that on the couch and it was very intimate and nice.
-He addressed me as "Fuck Buddy." I can't even remember the context, I just have this snapshot in my mind of standing next to him looking into the freezer and him saying, "Come on, fuck buddy." The Fuck Buddy part was a little stilted like maybe he realized what he was saying half way but it was too late to take back. It was kind of a punch in the gut even though it shouldn't have been. I know what our relationship is. But I guess maybe there was the tiniest piece of me hoping it coud be more?