(no subject)
Dave-
Hey stranger :) Long time no talk. How are you doing? I wonder if it's unhealthy to keep writing to you like this. I don't know, but I still think about you quite a lot so I guess it's probably not worse than that. Anyway, if I recall correctly, I seem to believe there's quite an important date coming up for you... Perhaps your 50th birthday? Happy early birthday since I know we won't talk. I love you and I miss you every day. I think I believe that one day maybe we will be friends again, but I finally believe and accept that the romantic aspect of our journey is forever over. And like you said, I am nothing but eternally grateful for it and for you.
I met someone. I don't know if it's for real, but it feels real. His name is Michael and he is sweet and smart and wonderful. I slept over at his place on Saturday night for the first time. It was unplanned, and it was great. After we woke up the next morning, he was held me, and I just laid there with the stupidest grin on my face that I couldn't wipe off. I remember telling you once that that stupid grin the first time we slept together was just because I was so damn happy to be with you. And all I've ever wanted is someone who could make me smile like you could and I think I may have found that in Michael. I actually shed a couple of tears in that moment thinking all of this.
Dave, I am terrified. I am so ready to find something real. I want so badly for this to work out. I'm trying really hard to manage expectations but there is just so much goddamn hope. I miss you and I wish you and I were in contact because I know you would have the perfect thing to say to make me feel better. I miss you so much. You were my soulmate, but I know I have others out there and I am finally ready to accept one of them into my life. Could that person be Michael? I don't know. It sure feels good so far..
Also, there's the business with Ian. Michael is awesome. I want to spend tons of time with Michael and I want to be with him. But I am so scared he will realize he doesn't like me. Ian has been such a constant in my life and he has always been such a comfort. I am fucking terrified to give him up. Maybe there will come a point where it just feels like the right thing, but for now, all I feel is fear. Also, even though Ian and I have explicitly agreed we aren't anything more than casual, I am still dreading how I'm going to "break up" with him. We've been seeing each other for the better part of a year at this point and I am honestly still afraid of hurting him. Things haven't quite gotten to that point yet, so all of this is preemptive worrying--for all we know, this could be another Dan situation. Dear god, I hope not, but you never know... Anyway, thank you for listening and for letting me get this off my chest. I love you. I miss you.
Allegra