Lost fic: By The Time I Get to Phoenix, Part Two - Crazy For You
Title: By the Time I Get to Phoenix, Part Two: Crazy For You
Pairing: Jack/Sayid, suggestions of Jack/Sawyer
Rating: PG-13 for language and suggestions
Word Count: 3689 this part
Beta: My good friend gregoria44, who makes such simple but effective suggestions. Thanks, love!
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost, nor do I make any money from my wild imaginings.
Warnings: This fic starts out fairly tamely, but I must warn that later chapters get quite dark and somewhat violent. If this is not your bag, I'd suggest you don't read on.
I should also warn that I use a flashback style intermittently. Hopefully the difference between 'then' and 'now' is obvious. Apologies if this is annoying.
Summary: This is an AU set slightly before S4, and assuming the survivors were all rescued long before Capt. Gault and Keamy, et al, showed up.
Author's Notes: This sequel follows something I wrote for nomango some time ago, a three-part story called After the Ball wherein Sawyer and Sayid were a couple after leaving the island, but Jack came back into their lives and complicated things.
In this part: Jack and Sayid find out where Sawyer is, and travel to see how he's doing.
Banner made with love by lozateazer. Thank you darling!
Previous Parts: 1. Substitute
I see you through the smoky air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare
You're so close but still a world away
What I'm dying to say, is that
I'm crazy for you
'Crazy for You' Madonna
"What the…."
Sawyer's glare was his characteristic angry glower out from under furrowed brows, his nostrils flaring, but somehow it lacked the usual fire, Jack thought.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" Sawyer went on after his initial pause, gripping the door tightly as if his life depended on it.
"We just wanted to make sure you were okay," Jack told him, shoving his hands into his pockets and staying where he was, although everything inside him was screaming to simply take hold of Sawyer and never let go.
The man looked terrible; his hair darker and more lank than usual, face pale and eyes bloodshot, but it didn't stop Jack wanting him.
"We? Who's we?" Sawyer demanded, darting glances out into the street behind Jack.
Jack looked over his shoulder towards the car that he and Sayid had hired, his gaze lingering where Sayid's dark head could barely be seen in the dim interior. Sawyer worked it out in seconds flat, despite the lighting.
"Shit! Sayid! Just what I fuckin' need right now! The Republican Guard and Dr Marcus Welby. Fuck off, doc, and take your trained guard dog with you! I'm doin' just fine, thank you very much!"
Sawyer made to shut the door of the sleazy motel room, but Jack hadn't come this far to be turned away so easily. He stuck a foot out and held up a hand to stop the door shutting.
"Sawyer, you're not fine. I can see that as clear as day. Take a look at yourself. Please… let me in?" he said firmly, his voice softening on the last sentence.
Sawyer held fast for a moment, his glower still firmly in place. Then with a sigh, he let go, backing away from the door and turning to stalk towards the kitchen area. Jack stepped through quickly; worried Sawyer would change his mind, and offering a quick, reassuring glance back in Sayid's direction.
~//~//~
Sayid's contacts had come up empty initially, and Jack and Sayid had begun to wonder if they were chasing a hopeless cause after a few fruitless weeks of searching for clues to Sawyer's whereabouts. He could have gone anywhere and by any means.
Sayid seemed to be reaching a point of utter despair, stomping around the apartment and shifting things as if one of the items might provide the answer. Jack wasn't sure if saying anything would help or not at this stage, but he keenly felt Sayid's disappointment.
He needed to find Sawyer just as much as Sayid did, even though it had been Sayid's idea initially. The fact that missing Sawyer had brought them together in the first place could mean that locating the con-man was a very dangerous thing for them to attempt, especially considering the behaviour last time all three of them had been in the same place at the same time. Nevertheless, Jack didn't think Sayid would rest until he at least knew where Sawyer was.
"Sayid, please…." Jack finally had to say something as the other man's pacing increased. Jack was seated on the couch, a cup of coffee at his elbow as he tried to read an article in a medical journal, but he found himself going over the same paragraph for what must have been the tenth time and still not taking it in properly. "Can you just sit down or something?"
He patted the couch next to him hopefully, smiling worriedly as he followed Sayid's movements across the room.
"What?" Sayid asked distractedly, frowning as he continued to wear a path in the deep pile of the carpet.
Jack put his paperwork down and approached Sayid. "Look at what you're doing. Are you sure this is so important? It's driving you crazy!"
"Jack…" Sayid sighed, looking up into Jack's eyes seriously as he neared, "I'm missing something here; I'm sure of it. I should know where he went. Something in what he said at some point… or something-" He stopped abruptly, pushing his hair back and creasing his brows as Jack's expression dropped.
"I'm sorry, Jack," he said, taking his lover's hands and drawing him closer.
"Do you realise how many times you've apologised to me since we started this search?" Jack asked, a slight smile quirking one side of his mouth, "What's it for this time?"
"It's unfair of me to do this to you, Jack," Sayid began earnestly, "We've been together long enough and I told you some time ago that I no longer consider you to be his ‘substitute'. Yet here I am acting like you mean nothing to me. I should just forget him; forget all this. He's a grown man and he can look after himself."
Sayid ran his hands up Jack's arms and drew his face down to kiss him softly.
"I'm sorry," he repeated, "You don't deserve this."
Jack returned the kiss easily, wrapping comforting arms around Sayid, and then pulled back enough to gaze lovingly into the incredibly sad, dark eyes. He shook his head lightly.
"You haven't forgotten me in all this, Sayid. Every step of the way you've been checking that I'm all right with it all; ensuring that I know exactly where the search is at, and you've never shut me out. I care about him too, and I want to know where he is just as much as you do, whether you believe that or not. But believe me when I tell you this: I love you too. I… I don't understand any of it, but after these months we've been together… you mean as much to me as he ever did, and I just want you to be happy. If finding Sawyer will make you happy, then we have to do it. I want to do it. Maybe for both of us, in the end."
Sayid listened without interrupting, although his expression gradually changed as Jack went on. He'd looked almost guilty at first, but by the time Jack reached the part about loving Sayid, his brown eyes started shining and his lips parted, making Jack desperate to kiss him again, though he held back for now.
"Jack, I… I had no idea," Sayid finally replied, "You must think me heartless. I can't explain to you why I feel so… compelled to find Sawyer after all we've shared. I…" he paused, looking down, and Jack felt his heart contract, sure Sayid was going to admit he didn't feel anywhere near as much for Jack as Jack had just admitted to feeling for him.
Sayid looked up again, licking his lips as he reached for Jack's face and smoothing a soft hand along his freshly-shaven jaw line.
"I love you too," he said quietly, "Which just makes this obsession of mine worse. But… something inside me tells me Sawyer needs help…" he trailed off again, looking at Jack hopelessly.
Jack's heart expanded at the declaration, but he didn't refer to it.
"I'm not sure I fully understand," he replied carefully, "but I know you mean it. Whatever it is that binds you to him… maybe it binds all of us somehow. I don't know, but I do know that we're not going to be able to work out what we can have together until we find out what's happening with him."
Sayid nodded in what looked like pain, closing his eyes and pulling Jack nearer once more.
"Somehow, I knew you'd understand," he whispered, opening his eyes and kissing Jack.
Jack deepened the kiss, his hands moving to cup Sayid's buttocks as he circled his hips against his lover's.
"Let me show you how much," Jack murmured throatily, his arousal meeting Sayid's.
They had gone to bed then, making slow and languorous love for what seemed like hours. Sawyer's shadow seemed to smile over them benignly, and Jack felt Sayid's attention and love focused so strongly on him that he didn't doubt the truth of the man's earlier words for a second. He gave everything back in what he hoped was equally as strong an emotion.
~//~//~
Jack was startled awake by Sayid's sudden movements; falling away from where they had been wrapped around each other.
"What… what is it?" he rasped urgently.
"Where is it?" Sayid was saying as he clambered across Jack, turned on the light and began scrabbling in the drawer beside him. "It's got to be here somewhere. I'm sure I put it in one of these drawers."
"What, Sayid? What are you looking for?" Jack blinked confusedly in the bright light.
"The CD. Have you seen it?" Sayid asked, pushing one drawer closed roughly and digging into the next one. "The one Sawyer left behind. What was it called?"
"Which CD?" Jack's confusion wasn't lessening. He couldn't recall seeing any CD in the drawers since he'd moved in; not that he'd examined every drawer.
"I bought if for Sawyer a few months ago - we'd been talking about this musician for some reason, and I just happened to see a CD of the man's whilst passing a music store. I bought it because I thought he might like it," Sayid explained, opening a third drawer and emptying the contents onto the floor.
"Okay," Jack stated, "but why do you need to find it right now?"
Sayid stopped his frantic search and looked up, surprised.
"The title," he said, as if he thought Jack should have already known, "It mentions a city. Sawyer left it on the bed when he departed and I'm sure that is where he went. If only I could remember what it's called! Dammit, it has to be here somewhere!"
Letting out an exasperated noise, Sayid went back to his frantic search.
"Who was the musician?" Jack asked calmly.
"Ah… some country artist… maybe Ben… or Glen something," Sayid didn't look up from the contents of yet another drawer he'd just emptied.
"Glen Campbell?" Jack grinned. "Stop looking, Sayid."
"You know his music?" Sayid queried, a strange look coming over him as he lifted his head.
Jack started listing titles. "Galveston, Wichita Lineman, By the Time I Get to Phoenix-"
"That one!" Sayid interrupted excitedly, "By the Time I Get to Phoenix! That's it! Thank you, Jack!" Sayid practically jumped onto the bed as his face lit up, taking Jack's head between his hands and kissing him hard. "Phoenix. That's in Arizona, isn't it?" he asked, the grin that split his face making him look the happiest he'd done since the search for Sawyer had begun.
"Yes," Jack agreed, smiling as a warmth grew in his chest. He was sure Sayid was right.
~//~//~
Sawyer dug through the mess on the kitchen counter and located a couple of cups, wincing as he examined them, and then sniffing loudly as he rinsed them out over the cluttered sink.
"Coffee?" he offered gruffly, flicking the switch on the electric kettle as he set the vaguely clean cups precariously on a small cleared space.
"Uh… sure," Jack nodded, although he wasn't sure it was such a good idea going by the hygiene standards he was witnessing.
"S'only instant," Sawyer muttered, reaching into a cupboard, "But it's all I've got. I'd run ‘round to the store, but I ain't got a bean on me." He huffed at his unintentional pun and reached for a cigarette packet in the midst of the debris on the counter. "Shit!" he growled when he found it was empty, "You got a cigarette, doc?"
He turned and leaned back against the messy counter, eyeing Jack warily.
"Sorry," Jack shook his head, "I gave up."
"Shoulda known," Sawyer sniffed, "Always do the right thing; that's your motto, huh? Doin' the right thing include coming to see how far I've fallen? Why didn't Captain Courageous come in with you?"
Jack stood in the doorway, a strange tightness clenching his heart. Sawyer had seemed pretty together when he was with Sayid in LA. Now, he seemed a mess; even closer to the bottom than Jack had imagined. As Sawyer lifted a hand to scrub at his unshaven chin, Jack noted the heavy nicotine stains and the shaking hand.
"Not sure it was the right thing, really," he said at last, "And Sayid thought… he thought it might be better if we didn't both come in."
"Guess you drew the short straw, huh?"
Jack smiled briefly. "Yeah; something like that. What happened, Sawyer?"
Sawyer turned and busied himself making the coffee as the kettle boiled. He handed a cup to Jack, the liquid slopping over the edge a little, then picked up his own cup.
"I'll find you a seat," he said, stepping back to the couch and gazing about as if he didn't know what to move first.
Clothes and papers, books and empty take-out containers, cans and bottles were everywhere.
Sighing, Sawyer shoved at a pile and placed his cup on the corner of table that was revealed. He picked up a pile of dirty-looking washing and tossed it over the back of the couch it had been on.
"There; a seat. Knew there was furniture in there somewhere," Sawyer smirked, gesturing to the spot he'd cleared and waiting until Jack perched on the edge of it before gingerly sitting down next to him.
Reclaiming his cup, he held it tightly with both hands, blowing on the steaming liquid for a minute before taking an uneasy sip. He blinked, and replaced the cup on the table, pushing a few other items out of the way.
"Ah ha!" He pulled out a half-hidden packet of cigarettes, discovering a couple inside. "Now, lighter… hmm." He picked his way through the debris until he found one and proceeded to light up with such a look of triumph on his face that Jack couldn't find it in him to complain about the smoke.
Jack didn't say anything, wondering if Sawyer was going to answer his last question. He turned to watch the man lean back and savour the cigarette like he hadn't had one in months. Jack let his eyes wander over the body he'd practically worshipped the few times they'd been together; taking in the ruined state of it. The beauty was still unmistakeable, but the edges were rough and greenish, like he was ill, or hadn't slept in days, and he looked way too thin.
Sawyer let out a slow puff of smoke, and his eyes swivelled to Jack's face at last, catching him mid-study.
"Let's just say it hasn't been easy since I got here," he finally drawled, a smirk lifting one corner of his mouth as he kept his eyes on Jack's. "You still want… you still think I'm worth pursuing? Worth saving?"
"I don't know." Jack searched the green eyes for some feeling, but they seemed hollow and uncaring. "Would you come back to LA if we asked you to?"
"We?" Sawyer huffed, lifting an eyebrow as he leaned forward for somewhere to flick his ash. Unable to locate an ashtray, he made do with a nearby take-out carton.
"Yeah: we," Jack nodded, unsure how much he should get into his relationship with Sayid at this point. "We both think… look, you're obviously not… will you think about it?"
"You know what you'd be gettin' into if I came back?" Sawyer queried, flicking more ash, then settling back and scratching at an eyebrow. "You really want to know?"
"You want to tell me?"
"No," Sawyer shook his head and took another long drag on his smoke before looking away.
"How bad is it?" Jack asked, "How much do you owe?"
"Fuck," Sawyer laughed bitterly, "If only it was that simple.
"Look, Doc, you'd be better off just high-tailing it outta here before you get sucked into something you really don't wanna be involved in. Just take Mr Deal-of-a-lifetime out there and scram. It ain't gonna help me if you get caught up in this."
Jack frowned, watching Sawyer's hand tremble more as he reached for his coffee. What had he gotten into?
"Look, I…" Sawyer started, turning his eyes towards the clock on the wall and blinking as if surprised to discover the time. "I gotta be somewhere. Drink up now and go tell Sayid I'm okay. Just…" He stood up, moving erratically across the room to dump his barely touched coffee in the sink. "Just leave, Doc. You can't help me."
Sawyer's manner had changed from mere minutes ago and he was not only shaking but acting more nervous than Jack had ever seen him before. The hand holding the cigarette jumped as Sawyer tried to put the smoke back in his mouth, almost dropping it in the process.
"Fuck!" He managed to take one last drag as he walked back to where Jack was, and then dropped it into another carton in front of him.
"Sawyer!" Jack reached for the cardboard carton as he placed his own untouched coffee down. "You'll set the place on fire!"
Inside, he saw the cigarette had landed in a pile of still-damp noodles and gone out. Replacing the box on the table, he stood up and circled around to put a hand on Sawyer's arm. Sawyer pulled away, giving Jack another glare.
"It went out didn't it?" he growled, swinging his head as if looking for something. "See my boots anywhere?"
The arm had been clammy and the more Sawyer moved, the more Jack's suspicions were confirmed. He was using something. The empty bottles scattered around the place suggested he was drinking too much, but there was something more. Not a good mix, however you looked at it. How had Sawyer sunk so low? No matter what he'd been before, he'd never been a junkie; not that Jack was aware of.
"You got a date with your dealer?" Jack asked, barely masking his annoyance.
"What's it to ya?" Sawyer snarled, finally spotting his boots and dragging them to the couch to sit while he pulled them on.
"Sawyer…" Jack began. His anger rose at the thought of everything Sawyer had thrown away in leaving LA, and not just by abandoning Sayid or avoiding Jack. "What the fuck is this shit? You had a good thing going, even without either of us. I can't believe you'd… this is… this is just bullshit. Drugs? That's not you."
"What the fuck d'you know, Dr Kildare? We were barely together. You don't know me any more'n I know Greek." Scowling, Sawyer stood up, moving towards the door and opening it. He eyed Jack angrily and gestured out the door. "Fuck off back to La-la land and make happy with Sunshine Sam, huh? You two suit each other much better than I do either one of you. Forget about me; I'm nothing."
Sawyer looked away for a moment, and then glared at Jack as he waited for him to obey his instructions. Despite the hostile expression, Jack was stunned at the emptiness in Sawyer's eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't think of anything to say.
It was like Sawyer truly believed he was nothing.
~//~//~
Back in the car with Sayid, Jack said wearily, "Let's just go back to the hotel."
"What happened, Jack?" Puzzlement crossed Sayid's handsome features as he watched Sawyer walk off down the street. He turned back to Jack, frowning deeply.
"He's in bigger trouble than we realised," Jack replied, his brows knotting together as he tried to figure out how to explain. They'd heard he was living in squalor - Sayid's source had been specific about the state of the motel and the amount he was drinking - but not about the drugs. "I…I'm not sure of the full extent of the problem, but he's using something. I don't know if it's just the drugs, but…" Jack paused, running a hand across his short hair as he took in the surprise in Sayid's eyes, "I get the feeling it's more than just that. He wouldn't tell me anything. Basically told me to fuck off. And you too."
"Did you invite him back to LA?" Sayid asked, starting up the car.
"He's not interested. We're gonna have to work a lot harder to get anywhere with him."
Sayid gave a weary smile, manoeuvring the car through the unfamiliar streets. "I didn't think it would be simple. But drugs? That seems unlike him, for all his faults. What would make him do that?"
Jack wasn't sure he was supposed to answer the question, but he shook his head. "I don't know. I didn't think it was like him either, but he… he said I obviously didn't know him very well."
"It's not your fault, Jack. No-one really knows Sawyer. He… he always kept things to himself."
"You know as well as I do that if I hadn't tried…" Jack's throat constricted. He swallowed hard, blinking out at the bright sun before going on, "If I hadn't done… what I did… he would still be with you. He'd be healthy and happy, not… not like this. He looks terrible, Sayid. And if he carries on this way…"
What would happen remained unsaid, but the thought hung heavy in the air between them. Jack knew it was his fault, no matter what Sayid thought.
Sayid stopped the car outside their hotel. Jack gazed around as they got out, thinking how much better their current residence was than the one he had just left. Sayid handed the keys to the valet and told the man their room number before taking Jack's arm and leading him towards the door. Jack pulled away, letting out an exasperated sigh as he stopped, trying to regain his composure.
"I don't blame you, Jack," Sayid reiterated, waiting for him to turn back, "I pushed him in the end. If I hadn't, he would have stayed. He… we had got to the point where... I think he was coming around to staying. My jealousy…" Sayid stopped as if his own emotions were too much, and he closed his eyes briefly before looking back at Jack. "Let's go upstairs to talk about this. About what we can do to help Sawyer."
Jack nodded, but he wasn't sure there were any solutions.
~//~//~//~
3. We Belong
Priceline Hotels
Pairing: Jack/Sayid, suggestions of Jack/Sawyer
Rating: PG-13 for language and suggestions
Word Count: 3689 this part
Beta: My good friend gregoria44, who makes such simple but effective suggestions. Thanks, love!
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost, nor do I make any money from my wild imaginings.
Warnings: This fic starts out fairly tamely, but I must warn that later chapters get quite dark and somewhat violent. If this is not your bag, I'd suggest you don't read on.
I should also warn that I use a flashback style intermittently. Hopefully the difference between 'then' and 'now' is obvious. Apologies if this is annoying.
Summary: This is an AU set slightly before S4, and assuming the survivors were all rescued long before Capt. Gault and Keamy, et al, showed up.
Author's Notes: This sequel follows something I wrote for nomango some time ago, a three-part story called After the Ball wherein Sawyer and Sayid were a couple after leaving the island, but Jack came back into their lives and complicated things.
In this part: Jack and Sayid find out where Sawyer is, and travel to see how he's doing.
Banner made with love by lozateazer. Thank you darling!
Previous Parts: 1. Substitute
I see you through the smoky air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare
You're so close but still a world away
What I'm dying to say, is that
I'm crazy for you
'Crazy for You' Madonna
"What the…."
Sawyer's glare was his characteristic angry glower out from under furrowed brows, his nostrils flaring, but somehow it lacked the usual fire, Jack thought.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" Sawyer went on after his initial pause, gripping the door tightly as if his life depended on it.
"We just wanted to make sure you were okay," Jack told him, shoving his hands into his pockets and staying where he was, although everything inside him was screaming to simply take hold of Sawyer and never let go.
The man looked terrible; his hair darker and more lank than usual, face pale and eyes bloodshot, but it didn't stop Jack wanting him.
"We? Who's we?" Sawyer demanded, darting glances out into the street behind Jack.
Jack looked over his shoulder towards the car that he and Sayid had hired, his gaze lingering where Sayid's dark head could barely be seen in the dim interior. Sawyer worked it out in seconds flat, despite the lighting.
"Shit! Sayid! Just what I fuckin' need right now! The Republican Guard and Dr Marcus Welby. Fuck off, doc, and take your trained guard dog with you! I'm doin' just fine, thank you very much!"
Sawyer made to shut the door of the sleazy motel room, but Jack hadn't come this far to be turned away so easily. He stuck a foot out and held up a hand to stop the door shutting.
"Sawyer, you're not fine. I can see that as clear as day. Take a look at yourself. Please… let me in?" he said firmly, his voice softening on the last sentence.
Sawyer held fast for a moment, his glower still firmly in place. Then with a sigh, he let go, backing away from the door and turning to stalk towards the kitchen area. Jack stepped through quickly; worried Sawyer would change his mind, and offering a quick, reassuring glance back in Sayid's direction.
~//~//~
Sayid's contacts had come up empty initially, and Jack and Sayid had begun to wonder if they were chasing a hopeless cause after a few fruitless weeks of searching for clues to Sawyer's whereabouts. He could have gone anywhere and by any means.
Sayid seemed to be reaching a point of utter despair, stomping around the apartment and shifting things as if one of the items might provide the answer. Jack wasn't sure if saying anything would help or not at this stage, but he keenly felt Sayid's disappointment.
He needed to find Sawyer just as much as Sayid did, even though it had been Sayid's idea initially. The fact that missing Sawyer had brought them together in the first place could mean that locating the con-man was a very dangerous thing for them to attempt, especially considering the behaviour last time all three of them had been in the same place at the same time. Nevertheless, Jack didn't think Sayid would rest until he at least knew where Sawyer was.
"Sayid, please…." Jack finally had to say something as the other man's pacing increased. Jack was seated on the couch, a cup of coffee at his elbow as he tried to read an article in a medical journal, but he found himself going over the same paragraph for what must have been the tenth time and still not taking it in properly. "Can you just sit down or something?"
He patted the couch next to him hopefully, smiling worriedly as he followed Sayid's movements across the room.
"What?" Sayid asked distractedly, frowning as he continued to wear a path in the deep pile of the carpet.
Jack put his paperwork down and approached Sayid. "Look at what you're doing. Are you sure this is so important? It's driving you crazy!"
"Jack…" Sayid sighed, looking up into Jack's eyes seriously as he neared, "I'm missing something here; I'm sure of it. I should know where he went. Something in what he said at some point… or something-" He stopped abruptly, pushing his hair back and creasing his brows as Jack's expression dropped.
"I'm sorry, Jack," he said, taking his lover's hands and drawing him closer.
"Do you realise how many times you've apologised to me since we started this search?" Jack asked, a slight smile quirking one side of his mouth, "What's it for this time?"
"It's unfair of me to do this to you, Jack," Sayid began earnestly, "We've been together long enough and I told you some time ago that I no longer consider you to be his ‘substitute'. Yet here I am acting like you mean nothing to me. I should just forget him; forget all this. He's a grown man and he can look after himself."
Sayid ran his hands up Jack's arms and drew his face down to kiss him softly.
"I'm sorry," he repeated, "You don't deserve this."
Jack returned the kiss easily, wrapping comforting arms around Sayid, and then pulled back enough to gaze lovingly into the incredibly sad, dark eyes. He shook his head lightly.
"You haven't forgotten me in all this, Sayid. Every step of the way you've been checking that I'm all right with it all; ensuring that I know exactly where the search is at, and you've never shut me out. I care about him too, and I want to know where he is just as much as you do, whether you believe that or not. But believe me when I tell you this: I love you too. I… I don't understand any of it, but after these months we've been together… you mean as much to me as he ever did, and I just want you to be happy. If finding Sawyer will make you happy, then we have to do it. I want to do it. Maybe for both of us, in the end."
Sayid listened without interrupting, although his expression gradually changed as Jack went on. He'd looked almost guilty at first, but by the time Jack reached the part about loving Sayid, his brown eyes started shining and his lips parted, making Jack desperate to kiss him again, though he held back for now.
"Jack, I… I had no idea," Sayid finally replied, "You must think me heartless. I can't explain to you why I feel so… compelled to find Sawyer after all we've shared. I…" he paused, looking down, and Jack felt his heart contract, sure Sayid was going to admit he didn't feel anywhere near as much for Jack as Jack had just admitted to feeling for him.
Sayid looked up again, licking his lips as he reached for Jack's face and smoothing a soft hand along his freshly-shaven jaw line.
"I love you too," he said quietly, "Which just makes this obsession of mine worse. But… something inside me tells me Sawyer needs help…" he trailed off again, looking at Jack hopelessly.
Jack's heart expanded at the declaration, but he didn't refer to it.
"I'm not sure I fully understand," he replied carefully, "but I know you mean it. Whatever it is that binds you to him… maybe it binds all of us somehow. I don't know, but I do know that we're not going to be able to work out what we can have together until we find out what's happening with him."
Sayid nodded in what looked like pain, closing his eyes and pulling Jack nearer once more.
"Somehow, I knew you'd understand," he whispered, opening his eyes and kissing Jack.
Jack deepened the kiss, his hands moving to cup Sayid's buttocks as he circled his hips against his lover's.
"Let me show you how much," Jack murmured throatily, his arousal meeting Sayid's.
They had gone to bed then, making slow and languorous love for what seemed like hours. Sawyer's shadow seemed to smile over them benignly, and Jack felt Sayid's attention and love focused so strongly on him that he didn't doubt the truth of the man's earlier words for a second. He gave everything back in what he hoped was equally as strong an emotion.
~//~//~
Jack was startled awake by Sayid's sudden movements; falling away from where they had been wrapped around each other.
"What… what is it?" he rasped urgently.
"Where is it?" Sayid was saying as he clambered across Jack, turned on the light and began scrabbling in the drawer beside him. "It's got to be here somewhere. I'm sure I put it in one of these drawers."
"What, Sayid? What are you looking for?" Jack blinked confusedly in the bright light.
"The CD. Have you seen it?" Sayid asked, pushing one drawer closed roughly and digging into the next one. "The one Sawyer left behind. What was it called?"
"Which CD?" Jack's confusion wasn't lessening. He couldn't recall seeing any CD in the drawers since he'd moved in; not that he'd examined every drawer.
"I bought if for Sawyer a few months ago - we'd been talking about this musician for some reason, and I just happened to see a CD of the man's whilst passing a music store. I bought it because I thought he might like it," Sayid explained, opening a third drawer and emptying the contents onto the floor.
"Okay," Jack stated, "but why do you need to find it right now?"
Sayid stopped his frantic search and looked up, surprised.
"The title," he said, as if he thought Jack should have already known, "It mentions a city. Sawyer left it on the bed when he departed and I'm sure that is where he went. If only I could remember what it's called! Dammit, it has to be here somewhere!"
Letting out an exasperated noise, Sayid went back to his frantic search.
"Who was the musician?" Jack asked calmly.
"Ah… some country artist… maybe Ben… or Glen something," Sayid didn't look up from the contents of yet another drawer he'd just emptied.
"Glen Campbell?" Jack grinned. "Stop looking, Sayid."
"You know his music?" Sayid queried, a strange look coming over him as he lifted his head.
Jack started listing titles. "Galveston, Wichita Lineman, By the Time I Get to Phoenix-"
"That one!" Sayid interrupted excitedly, "By the Time I Get to Phoenix! That's it! Thank you, Jack!" Sayid practically jumped onto the bed as his face lit up, taking Jack's head between his hands and kissing him hard. "Phoenix. That's in Arizona, isn't it?" he asked, the grin that split his face making him look the happiest he'd done since the search for Sawyer had begun.
"Yes," Jack agreed, smiling as a warmth grew in his chest. He was sure Sayid was right.
~//~//~
Sawyer dug through the mess on the kitchen counter and located a couple of cups, wincing as he examined them, and then sniffing loudly as he rinsed them out over the cluttered sink.
"Coffee?" he offered gruffly, flicking the switch on the electric kettle as he set the vaguely clean cups precariously on a small cleared space.
"Uh… sure," Jack nodded, although he wasn't sure it was such a good idea going by the hygiene standards he was witnessing.
"S'only instant," Sawyer muttered, reaching into a cupboard, "But it's all I've got. I'd run ‘round to the store, but I ain't got a bean on me." He huffed at his unintentional pun and reached for a cigarette packet in the midst of the debris on the counter. "Shit!" he growled when he found it was empty, "You got a cigarette, doc?"
He turned and leaned back against the messy counter, eyeing Jack warily.
"Sorry," Jack shook his head, "I gave up."
"Shoulda known," Sawyer sniffed, "Always do the right thing; that's your motto, huh? Doin' the right thing include coming to see how far I've fallen? Why didn't Captain Courageous come in with you?"
Jack stood in the doorway, a strange tightness clenching his heart. Sawyer had seemed pretty together when he was with Sayid in LA. Now, he seemed a mess; even closer to the bottom than Jack had imagined. As Sawyer lifted a hand to scrub at his unshaven chin, Jack noted the heavy nicotine stains and the shaking hand.
"Not sure it was the right thing, really," he said at last, "And Sayid thought… he thought it might be better if we didn't both come in."
"Guess you drew the short straw, huh?"
Jack smiled briefly. "Yeah; something like that. What happened, Sawyer?"
Sawyer turned and busied himself making the coffee as the kettle boiled. He handed a cup to Jack, the liquid slopping over the edge a little, then picked up his own cup.
"I'll find you a seat," he said, stepping back to the couch and gazing about as if he didn't know what to move first.
Clothes and papers, books and empty take-out containers, cans and bottles were everywhere.
Sighing, Sawyer shoved at a pile and placed his cup on the corner of table that was revealed. He picked up a pile of dirty-looking washing and tossed it over the back of the couch it had been on.
"There; a seat. Knew there was furniture in there somewhere," Sawyer smirked, gesturing to the spot he'd cleared and waiting until Jack perched on the edge of it before gingerly sitting down next to him.
Reclaiming his cup, he held it tightly with both hands, blowing on the steaming liquid for a minute before taking an uneasy sip. He blinked, and replaced the cup on the table, pushing a few other items out of the way.
"Ah ha!" He pulled out a half-hidden packet of cigarettes, discovering a couple inside. "Now, lighter… hmm." He picked his way through the debris until he found one and proceeded to light up with such a look of triumph on his face that Jack couldn't find it in him to complain about the smoke.
Jack didn't say anything, wondering if Sawyer was going to answer his last question. He turned to watch the man lean back and savour the cigarette like he hadn't had one in months. Jack let his eyes wander over the body he'd practically worshipped the few times they'd been together; taking in the ruined state of it. The beauty was still unmistakeable, but the edges were rough and greenish, like he was ill, or hadn't slept in days, and he looked way too thin.
Sawyer let out a slow puff of smoke, and his eyes swivelled to Jack's face at last, catching him mid-study.
"Let's just say it hasn't been easy since I got here," he finally drawled, a smirk lifting one corner of his mouth as he kept his eyes on Jack's. "You still want… you still think I'm worth pursuing? Worth saving?"
"I don't know." Jack searched the green eyes for some feeling, but they seemed hollow and uncaring. "Would you come back to LA if we asked you to?"
"We?" Sawyer huffed, lifting an eyebrow as he leaned forward for somewhere to flick his ash. Unable to locate an ashtray, he made do with a nearby take-out carton.
"Yeah: we," Jack nodded, unsure how much he should get into his relationship with Sayid at this point. "We both think… look, you're obviously not… will you think about it?"
"You know what you'd be gettin' into if I came back?" Sawyer queried, flicking more ash, then settling back and scratching at an eyebrow. "You really want to know?"
"You want to tell me?"
"No," Sawyer shook his head and took another long drag on his smoke before looking away.
"How bad is it?" Jack asked, "How much do you owe?"
"Fuck," Sawyer laughed bitterly, "If only it was that simple.
"Look, Doc, you'd be better off just high-tailing it outta here before you get sucked into something you really don't wanna be involved in. Just take Mr Deal-of-a-lifetime out there and scram. It ain't gonna help me if you get caught up in this."
Jack frowned, watching Sawyer's hand tremble more as he reached for his coffee. What had he gotten into?
"Look, I…" Sawyer started, turning his eyes towards the clock on the wall and blinking as if surprised to discover the time. "I gotta be somewhere. Drink up now and go tell Sayid I'm okay. Just…" He stood up, moving erratically across the room to dump his barely touched coffee in the sink. "Just leave, Doc. You can't help me."
Sawyer's manner had changed from mere minutes ago and he was not only shaking but acting more nervous than Jack had ever seen him before. The hand holding the cigarette jumped as Sawyer tried to put the smoke back in his mouth, almost dropping it in the process.
"Fuck!" He managed to take one last drag as he walked back to where Jack was, and then dropped it into another carton in front of him.
"Sawyer!" Jack reached for the cardboard carton as he placed his own untouched coffee down. "You'll set the place on fire!"
Inside, he saw the cigarette had landed in a pile of still-damp noodles and gone out. Replacing the box on the table, he stood up and circled around to put a hand on Sawyer's arm. Sawyer pulled away, giving Jack another glare.
"It went out didn't it?" he growled, swinging his head as if looking for something. "See my boots anywhere?"
The arm had been clammy and the more Sawyer moved, the more Jack's suspicions were confirmed. He was using something. The empty bottles scattered around the place suggested he was drinking too much, but there was something more. Not a good mix, however you looked at it. How had Sawyer sunk so low? No matter what he'd been before, he'd never been a junkie; not that Jack was aware of.
"You got a date with your dealer?" Jack asked, barely masking his annoyance.
"What's it to ya?" Sawyer snarled, finally spotting his boots and dragging them to the couch to sit while he pulled them on.
"Sawyer…" Jack began. His anger rose at the thought of everything Sawyer had thrown away in leaving LA, and not just by abandoning Sayid or avoiding Jack. "What the fuck is this shit? You had a good thing going, even without either of us. I can't believe you'd… this is… this is just bullshit. Drugs? That's not you."
"What the fuck d'you know, Dr Kildare? We were barely together. You don't know me any more'n I know Greek." Scowling, Sawyer stood up, moving towards the door and opening it. He eyed Jack angrily and gestured out the door. "Fuck off back to La-la land and make happy with Sunshine Sam, huh? You two suit each other much better than I do either one of you. Forget about me; I'm nothing."
Sawyer looked away for a moment, and then glared at Jack as he waited for him to obey his instructions. Despite the hostile expression, Jack was stunned at the emptiness in Sawyer's eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but couldn't think of anything to say.
It was like Sawyer truly believed he was nothing.
~//~//~
Back in the car with Sayid, Jack said wearily, "Let's just go back to the hotel."
"What happened, Jack?" Puzzlement crossed Sayid's handsome features as he watched Sawyer walk off down the street. He turned back to Jack, frowning deeply.
"He's in bigger trouble than we realised," Jack replied, his brows knotting together as he tried to figure out how to explain. They'd heard he was living in squalor - Sayid's source had been specific about the state of the motel and the amount he was drinking - but not about the drugs. "I…I'm not sure of the full extent of the problem, but he's using something. I don't know if it's just the drugs, but…" Jack paused, running a hand across his short hair as he took in the surprise in Sayid's eyes, "I get the feeling it's more than just that. He wouldn't tell me anything. Basically told me to fuck off. And you too."
"Did you invite him back to LA?" Sayid asked, starting up the car.
"He's not interested. We're gonna have to work a lot harder to get anywhere with him."
Sayid gave a weary smile, manoeuvring the car through the unfamiliar streets. "I didn't think it would be simple. But drugs? That seems unlike him, for all his faults. What would make him do that?"
Jack wasn't sure he was supposed to answer the question, but he shook his head. "I don't know. I didn't think it was like him either, but he… he said I obviously didn't know him very well."
"It's not your fault, Jack. No-one really knows Sawyer. He… he always kept things to himself."
"You know as well as I do that if I hadn't tried…" Jack's throat constricted. He swallowed hard, blinking out at the bright sun before going on, "If I hadn't done… what I did… he would still be with you. He'd be healthy and happy, not… not like this. He looks terrible, Sayid. And if he carries on this way…"
What would happen remained unsaid, but the thought hung heavy in the air between them. Jack knew it was his fault, no matter what Sayid thought.
Sayid stopped the car outside their hotel. Jack gazed around as they got out, thinking how much better their current residence was than the one he had just left. Sayid handed the keys to the valet and told the man their room number before taking Jack's arm and leading him towards the door. Jack pulled away, letting out an exasperated sigh as he stopped, trying to regain his composure.
"I don't blame you, Jack," Sayid reiterated, waiting for him to turn back, "I pushed him in the end. If I hadn't, he would have stayed. He… we had got to the point where... I think he was coming around to staying. My jealousy…" Sayid stopped as if his own emotions were too much, and he closed his eyes briefly before looking back at Jack. "Let's go upstairs to talk about this. About what we can do to help Sawyer."
Jack nodded, but he wasn't sure there were any solutions.
~//~//~//~
3. We Belong
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