Diary Entries

[halcyonism]

July 11, 2011

It never occurred to me that I might keep a diary someday. I am more used to documenting the events in other people's lives more so than the events of my own. However, once Death the Kid informed me that many people arrive on the ship without their memories of their previous stay, I thought it would be best to keep a diary of my time here.

I never want to forget my stay here. Past experiences build you up and craft you into the person you are at the present. Even the saddest memories, ones I wish didn't plague my foremost thoughts so frequently, are ones I do not wish to forget.

I imagine how crushed someone might be. If I were to spend years here, briefly disappear and upon my return have no recollection of it? How horrifying for the friends I might have made. If it oft happens, then the mindset of many people here may be to not bother getting to know anyone very well. After all, it might be easier to avoid growing close to someone if there is a chance they might forget you one day.

But that is not a path I wish to take.

If there is a way to secure my memories of my stay here, then I shall find it. I shall not allow anyone I meet to be made to reintroduce themselves to me because I've forgotten. And, if when Ivalice is restored, I will continue to carry my memories of the Thor.

July 12, 2011

The Lady Ashe arrived last evening. Captain Azelas also arrived, in addition to my brother. I am truly happy to have them here and that they are well, but still I am troubled. I was aware of the fact that the wormholes are capable of bringing people from any time period, and thus if a wormhole brought a person from a point before they died like they did with Judge Drace that they would be alive here.

But never did I expect to see my brother.

I had come to accept the fact that my brother, like my father, was deceased. Seeing him alive and well, mostly unharmed... I don't know how to feel. Should I be happy? I think I may feel happy, yet I also feel guilty because of that happiness. Returning from the dead is an unnatural act. Even so, I had wished for the longest time to see my brother and my father once more. I have wanted to give my father a proper goodbye and to apologize to my brother. Now that I have the chance to speak with my brother once more, I am unsure as to if I have the courage to actually go about it.

I wonder if he has even changed? I do not believe the unification of Ivalice was best bought about by blood and by war like my brother believed. There were other ways of accomplishing it and surely my brother knew that. Did he find those methods weaker? Did he find me weak because I did not agree with those methods? He told me to find the strength to correct him, and even though I drew my sword against him for the sake of Ivalice, did I do the right thing? For so long I spoke of peace and for a world where blood no longer needed to be spilled, but look at what I have done to my own brother. I fear that at my core, I am no different from him.

For the time being, I do have the distraction of work and of school to free my mind of such depressing thoughts. Kid and I decided to work together this month and because he feels more accomplished when he is creating a product that can be concretely judged, we decided upon a job building doors and windows for a company called Compelling Construction. As I expected, I'm quite terrible at construction. Working with my hands in this manner is still very foreign to me. But Kid is doing well, much better than last month. Though each door he builds takes him a long period time, the finished product is always perfect. Always.

I wonder if his obsession with symmetry and perfection is a good thing more often than not? It allows him to create beautiful things, things that are entirely aesthetically pleasing, but at the same time he is incapable of entering a messy room without feeling compelled to tidy it. At least I always carry my pendent of House Solidor with me, so I can distract him with its symmetry. Temporarily, at least.

And although he can perform a bit of magick, it seems so foreign that I doubt it would be a branch of magick I could ever learn. I wonder if he's right though, if we would be able to teach other?

July 14, 2011

Kid, absurdly astute as always, seems to have noticed the influx of people from Ivalice. I am not sure what to think of that. I remember how unhappy he seemed when I mentioned many of the people from my world were supposed to be dead, but that they were alive on the Thor. I suppose it was because of that that I felt it would be best not to tell him. But of course, that would mean he would find out anyway as it seems my luck has not been very good as of late.

I told him about my brother and the things he had done in my world. I do believe my brother's goal was admirable, but the methods he used to reach it were deplorable. I felt like a traitor to my family, though, explaining that my brother as well as my father tried so hard to initiate war between nations. I know Kid is unlikely to judge someone solely due to association, but I cannot help but feel uncomfortable nonetheless. What if he thinks of me just as my brother?

In return for telling him about Ivalice, he told me about his own world. In a way, it seems radically different from Ivalice, yet at the same time it feels very similar. His father, also a shinigami like Kid, runs a school called Shibusen for Meisters and Weapons. Though I'm still not entirely clear on the subject, it seems like the Weapons really are just that; weapons. If they are born that way, I wonder how they feel about it? If they are given the option to choose to walk that path, what would drive them to do so?

July 15, 2011

I sincerely believe that Basch should not be allowed to select his own job. I certainly will never ask him to choose one for me considering he has yet to select the job he was aiming for. This month, he is a "Slammin' Dancer." Of course, as all of the Thor found out the hard way, Basch is incapable of dancing. I imagine like most other soldiers or like royalty, he is most familiar with ballroom dancing. Even so, I have never seen someone as stiff as Basch was today in my entire life. I am no expert on the subject, but I had always thought someone so graceful on the battlefield would be just as graceful on the dance floor.

Clearly I was wrong.

Despite the fact that the entire dancing performance must have been embarrassing for him, he pressed on. Just as he always has, he kept his honor while looking forward to the future. Tomorrow would be better for him, that is what he was probably thinking. He is someone I aspire to be like someday. The past is always holding me back, but I want to move fearlessly forward just as Basch does.

July 20, 2011

Lady Ashe has been informed about wormholes and how they work. At least, she was given a brief overview. As it turns out, she is from a point time that is a fair amount of time behind me. It must be strange to her that others remember things she has yet to experience.

She was, unsurprisingly, looking for a way to harness the power of the wormholes in order to attain her memories. Unfortunately, I do not believe that is how the wormholes work and told her as much, as did others. Though were she to get such a power, one that could easily make her master of many things, I feel I could trust her.

For though she might not know it yet, she had the opportunity to wield such power once before and decided against it. As I had hoped, or perhaps even as I had known all along, she did not choose the path of war. My trust in her was rightly placed and so I could easily trust her once more.

I know it is not the same to be told what things she will experience in the future, but I hope it will satisfy her until a way can be found to return her memories to her.

July 25, 2011

This afternoon might very well have been one of the most frightening experiences I have ever had on the Thor The chain for my pendant broke earlier in the day, as one would expect for buying such a cheap chain with Minimum Wage. As I was on my way to buy a new chain, the pouch I had been carrying my pendant in was stolen.

Perhaps it had been wise to wear the pendant under my shirt, even if I needed to use rope temporarily. It wasn't safe even inside of a pouch on my hip. Of course, to any thief such a heavy looking pouch is bound to seem filled with money. But the pendant of House Solidor is my most important possession. It reminds me of my father and of my older brothers. I was willing to trade anything for it as long as he returned it to me.

Thankfully, he did; he even refused payment. I still feel shaken, though and I am not sure I should continue to wear it. Yet if I leave it in my room, there is a chance it may be stolen again. I cannot afford to lose that pendant for many reasons.

What should I do?

At least my morning went far better than my afternoon. Kid must never sleep. He was awake and practicing martial arts in a training room at such early hours. I almost failed to notice him at first, but I'm glad I did. It was interesting to watch him. The movements came very natural to him, yet it seemed like they would be awkward for any other person to perform. Even without the use of Libra, I can tell he's far stronger than any of the monsters or non-Humes I've seen in Ivalice.

The subject of sparring came up and I would love to practice with him. Practicing against all sorts of opponents would be good for me, and I'm sure Basch may be beginning to tire of my ineptitude. I'm only holding him back from his own training; after all, he is a skilled soldier. Though I'm not sure if I could ever spar with swords against Kid. I've become rather fond of the way he finds me and my pendant to be so symmetrical. I feel tempted to draw the seal of Archadia to show him that that, too, is symmetrical. But were he to see that I dual-wield a joyeuse and a sword breaker, two asymmetrical weapons, I'm afraid he may become unhappy.

I know that fighting with a sword and a sword breaker is entirely logical, and yet I'm positive Kid would prefer it if I fought with two identical swords. If I were to do that, both myself and any of my opponents would be in danger of accidental injury. Dual-wielding two swords simply isn't safe unless you're a master at dual-wielding already. Then again, I suppose someone like Kid is indeed a master of dual-wielding. He seems to perfect everything else, after all.

July 29, 2011

I took off my glove to see the damage the hammer caused and was relieved to see it was not terribly bad. It's bruised, but the Cure spell nullifies most of the pain. I am beginning to see just how incredibly naive I am. Anyone else would have expected such an act, but not me. At least I have learned my lesson and the price to pay was small. Balthier seemed to be displeased that I didn't retaliate. I suppose had I wanted to, I could have done a number of things to him. I certainly could have caused him tenfold the pain I felt earlier. But why should I do that? Reacting to violence with more violence will only beget further violence. I understand that there are times when violence must be used, but the deed was done. Retaliating in any way would have only made the situation worse.

Though considering my apparently continued status of emperor, I hope few people actually saw that broadcast. If word got to Judge Gabranth, my manager very well may be killed by him. The same could be said if word got to my brother. Though they may see me as an emperor, they must surely realize I do not have control over them. I can order them not to commit acts of revenge, but they have the choice to do as they see fit, especially if I never become aware of it. Though I suppose even if I were emperor, they would still have free will. It is morbid to think this, but if I do not see my manager tomorrow I can safely assume either one of them saw the broadcast.

Thankfully, Basch is more levelheaded then all of them. He may be Gabranth's twin, but he is far more laid back. Were they not both wearing the same face, it would be difficult to tell they are even related. Though I do feel guilty that the reason my manager performed that act was because I asked about Basch's chest armor. I still cannot make sense of it. Apparently, he received it from the quarters of the Insurgence Resistance. Old habits die hard, don't they? Making that mistake seem almost like proof I have Archadian blood flowing through my veins.

I feel like a child for being plagued by a thought like why Basch would wear something meant for the kitchen as an armor piece. It never crossed my mind that he simply took what he could because war does not always give a person enough time to properly prepare. Although he claims he is no longer a captain similar to the way I claim I am no longer an emperor, the way Basch behaves is quite honorable. I cannot see him as anything but a captain of Dalmasca.

Miwako was interested in the design of it and claimed she could make a dress with a similar pattern. Perhaps this may seem uncultured, but I cannot imagine anyone would want to wear a dress based on a pot holder. Then again, I thought the same of a potholder being used as armor. I am beginning to think that the fashion of Dalmasca as a whole is truly warped. The capital lies in a desert, yet the majority of people there allow so much skin to be exposed. I am more properly dressed for desert temperatures and I lived in the far north. Though of course, when one is used to colder temperatures, enough skin would be covered up so that it wouldn't burn should one suddenly find themselves in a desert. Perhaps a pot holder is appropriate for desert weather, though? Who am I to judge such a thing?

However, I am truly sorry I ever questioned the pot holder or that I bothered to consider whether or not it was symmetrical. Against my better judgment, I told Kid the truth was that that it wasn't symmetrical. His reaction was worse than when he stepped into that messy room when we were delivering doors. I wonder if it was because he couldn't fix the pot holder? Knowing something was asymmetrical yet being too far away to fix it.... In the end, he asked me to bring it to him so he could fix it. I'm not sure he knows how to knit, but I wouldn't put it past him to learn how to knit in order to fix it.

But Kid's mood seemed quite... strange? He was so upset and then suddenly stopped as though nothing at all was wrong. But I know that couldn't have been the case because he knew the pot holder in my hand wasn't symmetrical. He'd been counting to calm himself down. What would make him suddenly stop worrying about it? It was so unlike him to suddenly stop caring about symmetry.

I might have believed him when he said nothing was wrong if he hadn't become so upset when he learned the pot holder was asymmetrical. But people cannot change from a negative to a neutral mood that quickly, at least no one I have ever met before.

August 04, 2011

Father Fujimoto offered a list of four classes which high school students could sign up for. While I don't expect to learn much from the swordsmanship curriculum, I'm very interested in learning how to operate firearms. I was never given the chance to do so in Ivalice, but since Balthier was so proficient at them, I thought I ought to try it as well.

For a short while I considered attempting to dual-wield them, but at the moment, it would be far too complicated for me. While I understand how to aim with a gun, aiming with two guns seems almost impossible. Clearly it can be done, but it isn't something I will be able to do for a long while.

I also signed up for anti-demon pharmacology. It certainly seems like it will be an interesting class. I decided against reading holy scriptures and exorcisms, especially since I am more than capable of performing something similar. There is only one person aboard the Thor who fits the classification my spells have the best effect on, though, but I've already decided not to use magick around him.

As an aside, my name is not quite as masculine as I thought it was. Perhaps I really should have gone by "Lamont." I cannot even recall the last time I saw "Ms. Solidor" written apart from today.

August 06, 2011

I remember Kid once mentioned that his birthday was in August not too long ago. Since it was still early in the month, I decided to inquire him about it. Reluctantly, he told me that his birthday was on the 8 of this month. I'm thankful I didn't wait any longer or I would have missed it.

I really don't know much about him apart from the fact he is a shinigami and he has an intense obsession with everything being neat and symmetrical. I feel like I should know him much better than that by now. At least I know the gift I decided on will please him, even if he decides that he has no use for them after this month.

I know I have always been taught that fighting with twin swords is a ridiculous concept, that it is far more appropriate to fight with a sword and a shield or a sword and a dagger or what have you, but I don't think that logic quite works with Kid. As such, I decided to buy him exactly the kind of weapon set I would never use. He's talented, so I know he'll be able to put the swords to use if he wants to. As he is signed up for the swordsmanship class, he will at least have use for them for the remainder of the month.

Which reminds me, a gardentasta party is being held on the twelfth of this month. I've already decided to go as a present to myself, but I imagine I will find myself spending most of the party spending time with Basch-not that that is a bad thing. I would ask Kid to come as well, but judging from his mood, I doubt he would want to. Still, I would be incredibly happy if I could find a way to convince him to come. If I were to rent him a costume, I suppose he might agree so that the money wouldn't go to waste.

Doing that kind of thing seems almost underhanded. Of course, I am my father's son. One small underhanded act in order to allow both myself and Kid a bit of extra happiness really isn't such a bad thing, is it?

August 07, 2011

The suspicions I'd been carrying with me ever since my brother arrived have been confirmed. I would like to say I am surprised, though I would not have had suspicions in the first place were they not well-founded.

I cannot believe that my brother is responsible for the death of our father and our eldest brothers. Regardless of whether or not I considered it a possibility, it is a fact I am having difficulty accepting.

"For House Solidor," he said.

I do not understand. No matter how hard I try, I cannot fathom how killing our father and brothers would help preserve House Solidor, even if Father requested the latter action himself. If anything, it seems most likely to help cause the destruction of our family. All that remains is just the two of us, and we are both lucky it is even that. My brother should rightfully be dead. Does he not realize that? Does he not realize that when all had been said and done, the only Solidor left was myself? How can he still claim that his actions were protecting our family and our rule over Archadia when he knows that House Solidor crumbled long ago?

I am angry, far angrier than I have ever been in my entire life. I cannot remember the faces of my two oldest brothers. I cannot remember what their voices sounded like or even what kind of life they led. I remember nothing about them apart from their names and their ages. Vayne took the opportunity for me to get to know my eldest brothers away from me. He took many things away from me. That alone proves to me his acts were out of selfishness, not out of the preservation of our family.

And what of our father? While I may never know what each of my brothers' positions were on the war, I do know that Vayne agreed with and even encouraged our father to begin war anew. For such a long time, he had encouraged Father to do despicable things. I fear Vayne will never tell me the true reason he killed our father. If he saw Father as weak, then why was I allowed to live? The Senate thought me their puppet, the same as Father. Surely my brother knew this. If he knew people thought they could take advantage of me the same way Father was being taken advantage of, why did he not kill me as well? And for what reason would our father ask Vayne to kill our brothers? Were they treasonous as the rumors claim? Or was my father, too, selfish?

I wish my brother would tell me the truth. I am tired of the way he refuses to tell me information while using diversion tactics. My brother and I, we will never see eye-to-eye, will we?

And despite all this, I am also angry with myself. No matter how much I hate what my brother has done, I cannot bring myself to hate him. He is my brother and always will be. I cannot cast him aside. What is wrong with me, to blindly love someone who has caused so much pain and suffering to so many people, myself included?

It reminds me of what Penelo said in Marquis Ondore's drawing room. She told me that I didn't know the casualties of war. That I didn't know what it felt like to lose everything. But that has always been untrue, hasn't it? For not only do I know the hardships of losing everything I hold dear, I carry the burden of knowing someone I love very dearly is responsible for all of it.

I should move onto a different topic before my emotions get the better of me.

Maka. Although we are not very close, she is from Kid's world and the two are very close. I asked her whether or not she would be free to celebrate Kid's birthday and he said that she would be, so I feel rather grateful. Someone else from Kid's world showed up today by the name of Tsugumi and I hope she can find the time to celebrate Kid's birthday as well. He needs more happiness in his life. I still don't know why he's so gloomy lately, but I will do my best to make sure that changes.

For now, all I can do is wait until midnight to send Kid a birthday message. Hopefully that will cheer him up. I cannot allow myself to be depressed around him due to the conversation I had with my brother, not when Kid himself seems so unhappy at times. Kid's birthday and the party, these are things that will occupy plenty of time for both of us.

Even if it's merely for two days, they will be two day of happiness.

August 08, 2011

August 09, 2011

Another person arrived from Kid's world last night. His name is Soul and he happens to be able to turn into a scythe. He claims it isn't painful, but I believe most people who have blades peeking out of their skin would say otherwise. Yet if he says it isn't painful, I have no choice but to believe him. He didn't seem to be in pain from the partial transformation, at least.

I'm very, very happy for Kid. This must be how he felt when so many people from Ivalice found themselves on the Thor. Meeting the people from Kid's world has been an interesting experience. From what Tsugumi has said, it seems everyone from Shibusen is a hero one way or another. The video that was shown via Maka's Guide serves as proof. I've never been around so many heroes at once, so to be truthful, I feel quite honored.

I feel I'm going to have to do something about myself, though. Three times this week, I've been mistaken for a girl. It was embarrassing the first two times, but I fear I've made a terrible first impression with Soul. I've removed my earrings for now, but now I'm suddenly hyper-sensitive to the fact I'm not wearing them at the moment.

I'll think of something. I'll have to. After all, no one has ever mistaken my brother for a woman and his hair is far longer than mine. Then again, my brother is far taller than I. His shoulders are broader and he is quite muscular.

While school and the job I share this month with Kid (pizza delivery!) fills up most of my time, I've still found myself looking for things to do to occupy my mind. Although I may regret this decision later, I took an additional job for this month . It will help to make up for the cost of Kid's gift, not that I minded spending the money in the first place on it, and the rest can be put toward Ivalice. The more I think about it, the more I think it might have been a poor decision. I find it difficult as it is to wake up in the morning for class and stay awake. With this additional job, I will be lucky to snatch even a few hours worth of sleep a night.

At least good will come up it. I'll be able to teach first aid to others and earn money for the restoration of Ivalice. Hard work, but it is worth every bit of effort.

August 11, 2011

My body is much weaker than I thought. Carrying light boxes of pizzas all day, despite the ease of the task, is wearing me out considerably. However, I suppose it may have something to do with my lack of sleep and time to relax. Still, I shouldn't feel so very worn out.

To remedy my soreness, I took a hot bath earlier today and I don't think I've ever appreciated them as much as I did then. It makes me hope the next planet we dock at will be a planet full of hot springs, as silly as that sounds. Though if we were to dock on such a planet, I sincerely doubt my ability to handle two jobs responsibly, so perhaps that is not the most intelligent thing to wish for.

Apart from work and school, I honestly am not doing much with myself. While I know my payment at the end of the month will be higher than it ever has been before, for some reason I feel like I am accomplishing nothing. Perhaps it may be because I have yet to receive payment for my work this month, but I feel like I could be doing more. My contribution to the restoration of Ivalice seems like it won't match up to everyone else's. I do not want to be the one responsible for holding us back.

This entry is becoming a laundry list of complaints, isn't it? Well, it is my diary and as such I do have a right to complain as much as I like. So they say, at least. No one will ever read this apart from myself, at least that's what I hope. That being said, I feel like adding one more complaint will not be such a horrible thing: I need to stop allowing other people's opinions to affect me so greatly that I change my behavior. It's one thing to change my behavior for the better good, but over something so small as whether or not I should wear my earrings? I think tomorrow, I will wear them regardless of what anyone says.

August 12, 2011

It's been quite a while since I've been this genuinely happy. Not only was the costume party fun, but I even received two gifts from Kid. Though I'm not sure if he was matching my two gifts to him or if two gifts was more symmetrical. Or perhaps both.

Regardless, I can wear my pendant again and for that I am grateful. The chain has, unsurprisingly, eight links. But more importantly than that-to me anyway-is that it's much sturdier than the old chain I had. I no longer have to worry about the chain breaking, so I can once again safely wear my pendant. I haven't decided if I should continue to wear it underneath my shirt to keep it safe or on the outside. Covering up Kid's gift to me seems rude.

The other gift was a stuffed rappig. He gave it to me with such a straight face, similar to the one Basch is always wearing. I never knew he was quite so sentimental! I'm happy, though. The whole reason we met was because of Emperor Peony's rappigs, so I truly do appreciate this gift a great deal. It will always be close to my heart.

I've made such wonderful friends here, friends who treat me as an indivudal, rather than a symbol of Archadia or as simply an "emperor" with no personality. I hope someday that Vaan and Penelo will arrive so I can introduce them to everyone. Fran as well. And, of course, I would be happist to introduce my father to the friends I've made here. It would be proof that cooperation between individuals lies in friendship, rather than fear and intimidating.

I'll keep the rappig on the stand beside my bed, both as a reminder that I am now thirteen and additionally to remind myself of the wonderful friends I have made here.

August 26, 2011

We're going to be fired, aren't we? To be fair, Kid allowed me to select the job we would share this month, so I should be the one to take responsibility. I tried to find one that would be beneficial to others, but also somewhat easy so Kid could relax.

I'm beginning to believe I should have researched what pizzas were more in-depth. I knew it was a type of food and that it was safe, but that was all. It never crossed my mind that their shape would cause Kid to demand they they be perfect circles. Such a thing is impossible. Even so, it's what he wants.

I believe the worst part of this situation is, apart from not anticipating that any imperfect pizzas would upset Kid, is that the effort I put forth in actually stopping him from ruining the inventory is embarrassing. Had I been quicker, I might have saved the pizzas. My only accomplishment of the day was saving the tower of pizzas I was carrying.

I am very thankful Kid listened to me and kept the pizzas he deemed as rejects in their boxes. That way, food wasn't needlessly wasted. Of course, I know very well that if someone wanted to eat them, Kid would tell them to perish the thought. Eating something so 'disgustingly asymmetrical' wouldn't be 'moral,' or something along those lines.

Still, Kid and I are partners in this job. It is quite likely that because of what we've done to the pizzas that we may not earn our salary at the end of the month. I couldn't blame our boss for that; over a thousand credits worth of inventory must have been utterly destroyed. But it is blame Kid and I will share together if it comes to that. I refuse to let him take the blame alone.

At the heart of the matter, Kid did have the best interests of everyone in mind.

August 29, 2011

Everyone has turned into Mesmenirs.

Well, not everyone, yet so many people have been affected by the Thor's drive that 'nearly everyone' might even be an understatement. Most people are calling them ponies or horses, but they look very much like Mesmenirs to me. The only horse I can recall is the legendary Firemane that was said to lurk in the Garamsythe Waterway. It is something I have never seen with my own eyes, though.

I sincerely hope it truly is just an effect of the ship's drive. The thought of someone sneaking around and casting transformation spells on unsuspecting victims makes my stomach churn. As expected, Esuna does very little.

I feel especially sad for the Lady Ashe and Balthier. The Lady Ashe has had quite a rough journey as it were, and though being a Mesmenir somehow suits Balthier, I have the distinct feeling he will sorely be missing his wine. Though I know Balthier is quite clever so if he wants his wine badly enough, he will discover a way to get it, of that I am sure.

August 30, 2011

According to the latest history book I've acquired (and I have noted at this point that I now own an uneven number of them), there are some interesting tidbits of information about Espers and their Zodiac Symbols.

I've yet to see an Esper with my own eyes, but the Lady Ashe and her party have acquired the aid of several over the course of their journey, before arriving on the Thor. Belias the Gigas who guarded King Raithwall's tomb in particular if I am not mistaken, but they encountered many others as well.

In most worlds, so I have read at least, each month is associated with an Esper's Zodiac Symbol. Aries the Ram, Taurus the Bull, Gemini the Twins and so forth. Matching up Kid's birthday as well as my own, each of us would fall under Leo the Lion.

The Scion of Darkness, and thus an Esper, who reigns over this Symbol is Hashmal, Bringer of Order while the Scion of Light who reigns over this Symbol is Fandaniel, the Protector. I wonder, does this fit Kid and myself? Though I give astrology very little weight, I do find it interesting.

If Kid knew that the two Scions reigning over our Zodiac Symbol were Hashmal, Bringer of Order and Fandaniel, the Protector, I think he might very well be ecstatic! Their titles certainly do fit Kid, especially the former. If we evenly split them based on our branches of magick, Kid would have Hashmal, Bringer of Order regardless, wouldn't he? Which would leave me with Fandaniel, the Protector. That would be a very large role for me to fill.

I hope that within the next few days, when Kid and I both have a moment, I'll be able to tell him this. Though it's very minor and it's possible he may not care much, I think it will bring a smile to his face for at least a moment.

For someone who loves symmetry, yet is asymmetrical because of the stripes in his hair, being told his governing Esper is none other than the Bringer of Order, ought to make him a little happier. Though considering the things Kid is dealing with right now, it may not help much.

I do hope it doesn't backfire, though. My judgment has been very poor lately when it comes to predicting his behavior.

August 31, 2011

My brother's birthday is soon. He will be turning twenty-eight. For just a few weeks, the gap in our ages is smaller. Fourteen yeas apart instead of fifteen. Even though I know it is technically fourteen years and eleven months, for this short period of time in which I am closer to my brother's age, I feel more at ease. As if my brother and myself are closer to one another during this period of time in more than just age.

Though I am still angry with him, I must think of what to give him for his birthday. He is my brother, after all, and I do love him. Yet over the years, we've grown farther apart. I no longer know of his personal interests or what kind of gift he might like to receive.

It is now I notice that I am speaking of him as though he never died.

I knew at some point this would happen, that I would grow so accustomed to my brother being alive again that I would try to block out the time when he had died atop the Bahamut. What will happen when Ivalice is restored? If we return, what will become of my brother? Will he remain deceased?

This is why I should have never longed for my brothers to come. This is why I should stop longing for my father to come. Were my father and brothers here, it would feel like we've become a family. Like we are normal people who live their lives just as everyone else. I would spend my time trying to understand my three brothers, to know the things they like, things they dislike. I would tell them everything I have learned. I would do my utmost to make sure my father was proud of me.

And then, when I least expected it, they would be taken away from me again. Even if Ivalice is not restored, the wormholes may take Vayne away. It was painful the first time. I do not want to experience that pain again.

I am selfish and I know this. I wanted to see my brother again and my wish was granted. But it is only a matter of time before we're separated. If we spend our precious time together, it will only be more painful when that day arrives. Yet if we spend our time remaining cold and aloof to one another, I, at least, would feel regret. It would be no different than being unable to apologize to my father and brother before they died.

I promised myself that I would not allow this to get in the way. That no matter what, I would persevere and forge bonds with others. I promised myself that no matter how difficult it may be, I cannot allow the fear of losing those I care about again consume me.

I mustn't let anyone down.

September 01, 2011

The new jobs will be posted soon for this month, and this time it is Kid's turn to select one. I've accepted that there is little I or anyone else can do to avoid asymmetry making Kid upset, that all anyone can do is hope that not much goes wrong this month.

I am beginning to doubt my own abilities, however. The idea of taking two jobs in addition to school seems even more overwhelming now than it did last month. But I must overcome this weakness. If anyone from Archaia were to arrive-or anyone from Ivalice at all, for that matter-what would they think of me were I not doing my best?

I may no longer be an emperor, but I still have a duty to Ivalice as a whole. I must take on as much responsibility as I possibly can, no matter how tiring it is. The title may no longer be mine, but I must still play the part. I can hear the Senate even now, saying that is it my role to fill. My responsibility and duty as son to Emperor Gramis Gana Solidor and brother to the previous emperor, Vayne.

It is a burden I must carry and one I have shouldered dutifully throughout all of my life. Why is it so heavy now of all times? Why is it more difficult to bear the weight of it when the title is no longer mine? Is it because I am carrying the responsibility of someone I have tried to claim myself not to be?

I have asked others to not address me by any proper titles. I am aware that I lack control over anyone here. There is no empire to rule and everyone is free to lay their loyalties where they wish. And yet, despite this, I continue to try to play the part.

Why? Why have I contradicted myself so harshly? Have I honestly never noticed until now that I've tried to stop carrying the burden, or am I so deceitful that I have fooled even myself?

September 12, 2011

I am beginning to reap the consequences of selecting what I thought would be an easy job. Even though I still greatly dislike breakfast foods, I thought coming up with a unique recipe for pancakes wouldn't be so hard and that I would be able to rest a bit more. However, coming up with a recipe no one has ever thought of has been a greater challenge to me than expected. To make matters worse, I've learned that I am not suited for cooking which doesn't involve following a recipe.

Captain Basch was kind enough to taste test a variety of pancakes for me, but I fear I may have poisoned him and that is sadly not an exaggeration. From the look upon his face, one could easily assume Basch had never had such foul-tasting food as the pancakes I requested him to try. Not even water could thoroughly chase away the aftertaste. I must agree with him, though, as I could barely swallow them myself.

I cannot allow anyone else to go to such extremes for me. As such, until I am able to come up with a new recipe that isn't so torturous on tastebuds, I will taste test them myself. Only when I come up with something satisfactory will I allow others to try them, especially after Basch's reaction to the pancakes. He is someone whose expression rarely changes and yet when he ate them, it was if his face reflected sheer terror.

September 15, 2011

The job I share with Kid this month is different, to say the least. It's exhausting, yet rewarding work and something I have no problem feeling positive about. Yet as expected, not even a job bathing dogs can keep Kid's attention away from symmetry for very long. I understand that his need for symmetry is who he is, but if it's exhausting for me, I cannot imagine how exhausting it must be for him. How can someone go through life trying to make everything around himself perfect? Wouldn't he wear himself thin and collapse from the weight of the stress? I suppose that being a god of death would prevent him from actually dying and may help ease the stress of his lifestyle, but even so, I wish there was something I could do to allow his mind to rest, even if for a short while. He does seem to be getting better about it, however.

I'm glad that this month isn't as busy for me as it usually is. While I still juggle two jobs in addition to school, my second job doesn't require me to do physical labor and I am able to work wherever I please. As long as I am able to think of a palatable and unique recipe for pancakes, I will be paid for my efforts. Still, I cannot help but feel guilty over taking such an easy route this month. However, I have noticed that as the wages increase, the jobs available for them tend to be far more laid-back with less actual labor involved. It's a little sad; you can continue to forge such wonderful friendships by meeting someone doing their job, after all.

September 22, 2011

When this month is over, I am making a promise to myself: I will never eat pancakes again. I care not whether anyone claims them to be delicious. I disliked breakfast foods a great deal before accepting this job, but this month alone I have sampled more pancakes than I have sampled in my entire life otherwise.

My decision may be childish, but at the very least, pancakes are rarely made to be healthy. It's a healthy decision to leave them out of my diet, even if that decision is spurred on by my own mistake in accepting the job. However, with the amount of times I've made myself sick this month because of my abominable pancakes, that alone should be reason to leave pancakes out of my diet for good. After all, I cannot afford to be sick when I have responsibilities to attend to. Small responsibilities they may be, but they are responsibilities nonetheless.

October 2, 2011

It had been months since I'd seen Penelo. When I first arrived, she was the only one present from Ivalice. Yet not long after my arrival, she disappeared. It was painful for me, both losing a friend and losing one of the few people present who fully understood where I had come from.

Unlike Basch and Balthier, who were present at the time of her disappearance, Penelo was much closer to me in age. Although I do not doubt Basch is happy to occasionally give me his company and that Balthier doesn't mind a great deal to do the same when the mood strikes him, spending time with Penelo-and Vaan as well-was always different. During the time I spent with Penelo and Vaan, the invisible barrier that is often between those of royal blood and those without it never seemed to be present. I could be myself around them both; I never felt the need to maintain an overly-formal attitude with them and they never regarded me as someone better than them. The three of us were on equal footing.

During the months I've been here, I've made friends, some of them roughly my age. However, as close as those bonds are and as much as we care for one another, it seems that it would be impossible for any of us to fully understand the backgrounds of those from other worlds. We may exchange stories, but unless you've been there and experienced it, everything really is a world or more away. I don't feel it interferes with a friendship, but just like the relationship between royalty and others, there are times when it puts up an invisible barrier and there are times when the differences between worlds and their cultures is so shocking. Again, it's hard to comprehend unless you've been here.

So of course, with Penelo's arrival again, I'm quite happy. She may not remember her stay, but the important thing is that she's here once more. Our roles have been reversed this time: I will teach her the differences between the Thor just as she taught me in the past. Unfortunately, it seems Penelo has taken a dislike to her roommates; all I can do is offer her room in the apartment I live in during the day until she is able to officially complete the paperwork to move out. If, when the paperwork is available, she chooses to simply stay with me, I'd be more than happy to accommodate her permanently.

Her arrival did remind me of one of the negative aspects of Ivalice. So many people were affected by the war. I've been away from Ivalice so long that when Penelo expressed shock at being allowed to move up to higher job wages and better rooms simply by working, I was rather surprised. I imagine that those in Lowtown, just like those in Old Archades, live very humble lives and often not because they want to but because they are so oppressed and never rewarded properly for their hard work. It's rather sad that if you're born into a lower class that it's nearly impossible to move up.

October 15, 2011

I walked by my brother's cabin this afternoon. I know that the paperwork for officially moving out won't be available until the first week of next month, so when I saw his name was absent from the plaque listing the room's current occupants, I knew he was gone.

I kept walking because I didn't know what else to do.

Standing in front of the cabin door wouldn't bring him back and I'd just be in the way of people who lived there. A part of me knows that his disappearance is probably for the best. His presence here was unnatural as he is supposed to be deceased and I'm sure that the others from Ivalice were uncomfortable with him here, knowing the things my brother has done. I'm glad to say that Vayne never caused any complications during his stay, but I know that when the others find that he is no longer here they will breathe a sigh of relief.

Despite preparing for that moment, knowing that it would come eventually, it still pains me quite deeply. I grew far too attached with the notion of him being alive and well. I fancied the idea that my brother had turned over a new leaf and somehow I deluded myself into thinking that perhaps things would stay this way and perhaps my brother would stay here with me until Ivalice was restored.

But even then, were Ivalice to be restored, my brother would still be dead. Nothing anyone would be willing to do can ever change that fact. The only way to keep him alive would be to never restore Ivalice. However, that is not an option. As much as I love my brother, I cannot place him above millions of other lives, nor should he be allowed to cheat death. Had he cooperated with Dalmasca and had he not possessed such an unquenchable thirst for power, he would never have died.

I wish I could change the past. I wish I had done so many things. Maybe, if I'd taken action sooner or been more assertive, the war could have been prevented or reached an early end. If I had spoken with my father before his death, maybe I could have convinced him that the war needed to end-that as much as my brother would have my father believe the war was a necessity, it was not.

I can do nothing now. What's done is done. The only thing I can do is accept the situation and move on, but doing so at the moment is so difficult for me.

Just like before, I was unable to say goodbye to him. Just like before, I wasn't with him during his last moments. In the end, it was no different than the events on the Bahamut.

I've ruined my chances of properly mending things between my brother and myself. I had the chance and it slipped right through my fingers. Nothing I do will fix fix that, either.