RPF - The Colbert Report/Dirty Jobs - Two Modern-Day Robin Hoods
It's like this, Stephen has this new segment on The Colbert Report called 'Stephen Colbert's Fallback Position' and I'm running this Someecard Challenge and I'm nothing if not altruistic and this some how came from this card. So, this is my gift to all of you --
Happy Villains Day!
RPF
The Colbert Report/Dirty Jobs
Stephen Colbert/Mike Rowe
Two Modern-Day Robin Hoods
Welcome back, peons of my immortal soul, it's time for another segment of Stephen Colbert's Fallback Position -- and get your minds out of the gutter, because I save that other position for Jon Stewart. And occasionally, Conan O'Brien, if he asks nicely.
Now, I know that you know that a recession is on the way, and in times of crisis, we gifted individuals have to do all we can to help the little guy out. The little guy in the metaphoric sense, although sometimes, in the literal sense too.
So far in my effort to bring America back to its #1 pole position - listen to me NASCAR drivers - I've improved the world as nuclear physicist, a pediatrician, and the dictator of New Hampshire, but never before have I done a dirty job.
Now I admit to playing in the dirt, but that was long before I became the leader of the Colbert Nation. Unlike some people, when working for my constituency, I try keep my dirty jobs out of the Oval Office. And yet, my writers begged, nay they compelled me to appear on the Discovery Channel TV show Dirty Jobs, and who was I to say no to a hunk of man-meat like Mike Rowe? I mean really, have you seen him in his Wranglers?
Exactly!
Okay, so there was that whole spanking incident and me trying to get Mike naked, but I do these things for you, America, so don't say I never gave you anything.
Roll it, boys!
Our day started out at Farmer Brown's farm in Nebraska, and I would just like to say to the fine people of Nebraska, Oh my god, your state is too cold. Why the things that happened south of my equator, well, let's just say that's only supposed to happen in cold water.
If I was to admit that there was a global warming problem, I would say that breaking off Nebraska and sticking it up a collective ass or two, could probably fix it right on up. Now, back to the Hunk of Man Meat that is Mike Rowe. I'm not a big Dirty Jobs fan myself; I only watch it once at day, unlike some of my writers who watch it twice a day, but upon seeing Mike Rowe in the flesh, well… What was I saying?
"Stephen Colbert? Mike Rowe."
"Ah, Mr. Rowe. You look bigger in your Ford commercials."
"Everything looks bigger on TV, Stephen. You don't mind if I call you Stephen, do you?"
"You can call me anything you want to if you agree to turn around and bend over for my audience."
"I, uh, beg your pardon?"
"We have a bet going on about what kind of jeans you wear. 'We' being me, myself and I. I say Wranglers, because you're a good-fearing, meat-eating hunk of -- you get the idea. The Colbert Nation thinks you wear Levis, but I know that they're wrong, and it's my place to lead them down the right path."
"Um, I wear whatever's clean. Or at least semi-clean. Sometimes Wranglers, sometimes Levis, sometimes sweats."
"Okay, but can we see your ass anyway? As part of the clip. It's important for America."
"It's for America, huh?"
"Yeah, and there's nothing more American than a nice ass. Unless it's Mom's apple pie. Or being afraid of bears. Bears are the enemy! They are the threat!"
"I suppose I could show off my ass, if it's for a good cause."
"Mike, what could be a better cause than truthiness and justice?"
"Uh, okay."
"Wow. That is a nice ass."
"Do you want to see my boxers too?"
"I always thought you wore briefs actually."
"Have you been thinking about this really hard?"
"I don't think anything is really hard in at this temperature, except maybe the ground."
For some reason they stopped filming here. I have no idea why. I assure you that my hands were nowhere near Mike Rowe's ass at this time. Or his package. Later on in the day, sure, but not at seven a.m. Nobody likes cold hands at seven a.m.
The first order of business on Farmer Brown's farm was to slop the hogs, which I have to tell you seemed like a pretty unseemly task. I mean I love to eat hogs - don't get me wrong, bacon is clearly the missing food group - but I try not to interact with my food before it's dead in my refrigerator. This is exactly why I decided to stand twenty feet back while Mike got to work. Farmers are hardworking people; who was I to interrupt? Sure I'm the leader of Colbert Nation, and the bastion of eternal truthiness, but I don't know anything about feeding pigs. I can admit this freely. You don't see people asking brain surgeons to take out the trash, do you?
"Stephen, I know I'm going to kick myself for asking, but uh, you do know the name of the show is Dirty Jobs, right?"
"Well, I'm pretty sure I didn't think I was on The O'Reilly Report; they sling more mud there. Sometimes I get confused with all white guys looking the same - except for me - but, no, you're definitely no Bill O'Reilly with arms like that."
"That's sweet, Stephen, really, but you can't help feed the pigs wearing a suit and tie."
"Oh, that's okay, Mike, I wasn't planning on helping. I was planning on pretending to help. The key word there being 'pretend.' I'll pretend to help and you pretend that I got dirty. I'll give direction. Everybody needs direction."
"No, I think you need to help."
"No, I don't think I do -- Mike, stay back. Really. This suit is expensive."
"Aw, Stephen, c'mon, you can't be on Dirty Jobs and not get dirty."
"Mike, no. I really mean it."
"Do you really mean it, or do you really really mean it?"
"Oh my god! No! Put me down! Mike, down!"
"Sorry, Stephen. Dirty jobs require getting dirty; it's part of the name."
"MIKE! Put me down!"
"Spanking me is really not the way to get me to put you down."
"I knew you were kinky after all that time with your hand up a horse's ass, but I thought the fireman's carry was for firemen!"
"Stephen, if you keep trying to sweet talk me..."
"I'm not sweet talking you!"
"Stop squirming!"
"I bet you say that to all your four-legged dates."
"No, Stephen really, stop moving!"
"Shit."
"Pretty much."
And that is how I ended up in pig pen with Mike Rowe. Mike, the cleaning bill is in the mail. Along with a bill for new shoes and underwear. You know the kind I like.
After Mike and I had taken care of the dirty part, we got to get to work on the job part. It's not as though I don't know how to work hard. Everyday I wake up, look in the mirror, and thank the good Lord that I'm as gorgeous as I am and don't require any further work. And then I take a shower, and miraculously know the perfect outfit to wear to bring out my eyes. My fashion sense makes Anna Wintour weep with envy. And then I come here and instruct you, my wayward flock. Sometimes I even get a hangnail. We all must suffer for our craft, right? Right!
"Okay, so, Stephen now that you're dirty you can help me bale hay for the cows."
"Or I could stab you with this pitchfork where you stand?"
"You know, you're kind of amusing. And you look good with a big stick in your hand."
"Oh, take me now you hunk of man-meat!"
"I thought you had a boyfriend?"
"Yeah, but don't tell my wife."
Hey! I thought they cut that! Editing department? ON NOTICE!
After a busy morning of scaring pigs and stabbing Mike Rowe with a pitchfork for impugning the holy name of Jon Stewart, we spent the afternoon milking cows, and let me tell you, I have a whole new respect for any animal that can kick you in the head and kill you. Really. That includes my wife
"Okay, so, Stephen, you need to sit on this stool to milk Heidi."
"The cow's name is Heidi? Are you serious?"
"Hey, I didn't name the cow. You can talk to Farmer Brown if you've got something to complain about."
"Speaking of the mysterious Farmer Brown, where is he?"
"He's right behind you."
"Right behind me where? All I see is your scruffy cameramen -- OW!"
"Don't insult the boom guy."
"Don't make me sue you, Rowe."
"Right, because what's more American than suing someone?"
"Exactly! You know, you really do need to come on my show. We'll clean you up, put you in a suit --"
"And make me bend over and show my ass."
"Hey, it's a nice ass. I'm just trying to give my nation what they want."
"Yeah, well, while you're pondering what your people want, how about you milk my cow?"
"Ohhh, so you're Farmer Brown."
"And Jon said you couldn't be taught."
"Why is my boyfriend talking about me with my man crush? This is a real problem; I feel violated."
"Jon just wanted to make sure I would take care of you and return you unscathed."
"He told you not to have sex with me, didn't he? Stewart, you're On Notice!"
"I can't answer that, but you didn’t think I'd take you on a real farm did you? I mean this a real farm; it's my farm, gotta get away from the city sometime, but, Stephen, you're a lawsuit waiting to happen. I couldn't take you to a working farm; you might burn it down."
"I take great offense to your slanderous allegations. So, you milk the cow like this?"
"Yes, except for the part where you aim it at my face."
"Oh, my bad."
"Yeah, I'll bet."
"Hey, I'm just a good old boy."
"Right. Meanin' no harm either?"
"Beats all you never saw, been in trouble with the law, since the day I was born."
"Stephen, are you really singing the theme to the Dukes of Hazzard?"
"Shut up and sing along, Rowe! You're the opera singer."
"Makin' their way, the only way they know how..."
"Better. That's just a little bit more than the law will allow."
"Stephen, you realize you're flat, right?"
"Don't make me kick your ass, Rowe."
"You seem really attached to my ass, Stephen. Are you sure there's not something I should know?"
"No, and if there was, I wouldn't tell you on cable TV anyway. Now finish the song."
"Just two good ol' boys, wouldn't change if they could, fightin' the system like two modern-day Robin Hoods..."
"That's you and me, Mike, fightin' the system like modern-day Robin Hoods."
"You know, you're right Stephen."
"I was born right, Mike."
"Oh, come on."
"Yes, I -- fuckin' A! Your cow stepped on my foot!"
"Yes, Stephen, fuckin' A indeed."
And that ladies and gentlemen is today's segment of Stephen Colbert's Fallback Position. Next time, join me for when I go on assignment to find out who is the Hottest Man Alive. Well, besides me. And why would I do this for you? Because it's like Mike Rowe says, it's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it!
-end-
*Fuckin 'A tribute from Office Space.
Happy Villains Day!
RPF
The Colbert Report/Dirty Jobs
Stephen Colbert/Mike Rowe
Two Modern-Day Robin Hoods
Welcome back, peons of my immortal soul, it's time for another segment of Stephen Colbert's Fallback Position -- and get your minds out of the gutter, because I save that other position for Jon Stewart. And occasionally, Conan O'Brien, if he asks nicely.
Now, I know that you know that a recession is on the way, and in times of crisis, we gifted individuals have to do all we can to help the little guy out. The little guy in the metaphoric sense, although sometimes, in the literal sense too.
So far in my effort to bring America back to its #1 pole position - listen to me NASCAR drivers - I've improved the world as nuclear physicist, a pediatrician, and the dictator of New Hampshire, but never before have I done a dirty job.
Now I admit to playing in the dirt, but that was long before I became the leader of the Colbert Nation. Unlike some people, when working for my constituency, I try keep my dirty jobs out of the Oval Office. And yet, my writers begged, nay they compelled me to appear on the Discovery Channel TV show Dirty Jobs, and who was I to say no to a hunk of man-meat like Mike Rowe? I mean really, have you seen him in his Wranglers?
Exactly!
Okay, so there was that whole spanking incident and me trying to get Mike naked, but I do these things for you, America, so don't say I never gave you anything.
Roll it, boys!
Our day started out at Farmer Brown's farm in Nebraska, and I would just like to say to the fine people of Nebraska, Oh my god, your state is too cold. Why the things that happened south of my equator, well, let's just say that's only supposed to happen in cold water.
If I was to admit that there was a global warming problem, I would say that breaking off Nebraska and sticking it up a collective ass or two, could probably fix it right on up. Now, back to the Hunk of Man Meat that is Mike Rowe. I'm not a big Dirty Jobs fan myself; I only watch it once at day, unlike some of my writers who watch it twice a day, but upon seeing Mike Rowe in the flesh, well… What was I saying?
"Stephen Colbert? Mike Rowe."
"Ah, Mr. Rowe. You look bigger in your Ford commercials."
"Everything looks bigger on TV, Stephen. You don't mind if I call you Stephen, do you?"
"You can call me anything you want to if you agree to turn around and bend over for my audience."
"I, uh, beg your pardon?"
"We have a bet going on about what kind of jeans you wear. 'We' being me, myself and I. I say Wranglers, because you're a good-fearing, meat-eating hunk of -- you get the idea. The Colbert Nation thinks you wear Levis, but I know that they're wrong, and it's my place to lead them down the right path."
"Um, I wear whatever's clean. Or at least semi-clean. Sometimes Wranglers, sometimes Levis, sometimes sweats."
"Okay, but can we see your ass anyway? As part of the clip. It's important for America."
"It's for America, huh?"
"Yeah, and there's nothing more American than a nice ass. Unless it's Mom's apple pie. Or being afraid of bears. Bears are the enemy! They are the threat!"
"I suppose I could show off my ass, if it's for a good cause."
"Mike, what could be a better cause than truthiness and justice?"
"Uh, okay."
"Wow. That is a nice ass."
"Do you want to see my boxers too?"
"I always thought you wore briefs actually."
"Have you been thinking about this really hard?"
"I don't think anything is really hard in at this temperature, except maybe the ground."
For some reason they stopped filming here. I have no idea why. I assure you that my hands were nowhere near Mike Rowe's ass at this time. Or his package. Later on in the day, sure, but not at seven a.m. Nobody likes cold hands at seven a.m.
The first order of business on Farmer Brown's farm was to slop the hogs, which I have to tell you seemed like a pretty unseemly task. I mean I love to eat hogs - don't get me wrong, bacon is clearly the missing food group - but I try not to interact with my food before it's dead in my refrigerator. This is exactly why I decided to stand twenty feet back while Mike got to work. Farmers are hardworking people; who was I to interrupt? Sure I'm the leader of Colbert Nation, and the bastion of eternal truthiness, but I don't know anything about feeding pigs. I can admit this freely. You don't see people asking brain surgeons to take out the trash, do you?
"Stephen, I know I'm going to kick myself for asking, but uh, you do know the name of the show is Dirty Jobs, right?"
"Well, I'm pretty sure I didn't think I was on The O'Reilly Report; they sling more mud there. Sometimes I get confused with all white guys looking the same - except for me - but, no, you're definitely no Bill O'Reilly with arms like that."
"That's sweet, Stephen, really, but you can't help feed the pigs wearing a suit and tie."
"Oh, that's okay, Mike, I wasn't planning on helping. I was planning on pretending to help. The key word there being 'pretend.' I'll pretend to help and you pretend that I got dirty. I'll give direction. Everybody needs direction."
"No, I think you need to help."
"No, I don't think I do -- Mike, stay back. Really. This suit is expensive."
"Aw, Stephen, c'mon, you can't be on Dirty Jobs and not get dirty."
"Mike, no. I really mean it."
"Do you really mean it, or do you really really mean it?"
"Oh my god! No! Put me down! Mike, down!"
"Sorry, Stephen. Dirty jobs require getting dirty; it's part of the name."
"MIKE! Put me down!"
"Spanking me is really not the way to get me to put you down."
"I knew you were kinky after all that time with your hand up a horse's ass, but I thought the fireman's carry was for firemen!"
"Stephen, if you keep trying to sweet talk me..."
"I'm not sweet talking you!"
"Stop squirming!"
"I bet you say that to all your four-legged dates."
"No, Stephen really, stop moving!"
"Shit."
"Pretty much."
And that is how I ended up in pig pen with Mike Rowe. Mike, the cleaning bill is in the mail. Along with a bill for new shoes and underwear. You know the kind I like.
After Mike and I had taken care of the dirty part, we got to get to work on the job part. It's not as though I don't know how to work hard. Everyday I wake up, look in the mirror, and thank the good Lord that I'm as gorgeous as I am and don't require any further work. And then I take a shower, and miraculously know the perfect outfit to wear to bring out my eyes. My fashion sense makes Anna Wintour weep with envy. And then I come here and instruct you, my wayward flock. Sometimes I even get a hangnail. We all must suffer for our craft, right? Right!
"Okay, so, Stephen now that you're dirty you can help me bale hay for the cows."
"Or I could stab you with this pitchfork where you stand?"
"You know, you're kind of amusing. And you look good with a big stick in your hand."
"Oh, take me now you hunk of man-meat!"
"I thought you had a boyfriend?"
"Yeah, but don't tell my wife."
Hey! I thought they cut that! Editing department? ON NOTICE!
After a busy morning of scaring pigs and stabbing Mike Rowe with a pitchfork for impugning the holy name of Jon Stewart, we spent the afternoon milking cows, and let me tell you, I have a whole new respect for any animal that can kick you in the head and kill you. Really. That includes my wife
"Okay, so, Stephen, you need to sit on this stool to milk Heidi."
"The cow's name is Heidi? Are you serious?"
"Hey, I didn't name the cow. You can talk to Farmer Brown if you've got something to complain about."
"Speaking of the mysterious Farmer Brown, where is he?"
"He's right behind you."
"Right behind me where? All I see is your scruffy cameramen -- OW!"
"Don't insult the boom guy."
"Don't make me sue you, Rowe."
"Right, because what's more American than suing someone?"
"Exactly! You know, you really do need to come on my show. We'll clean you up, put you in a suit --"
"And make me bend over and show my ass."
"Hey, it's a nice ass. I'm just trying to give my nation what they want."
"Yeah, well, while you're pondering what your people want, how about you milk my cow?"
"Ohhh, so you're Farmer Brown."
"And Jon said you couldn't be taught."
"Why is my boyfriend talking about me with my man crush? This is a real problem; I feel violated."
"Jon just wanted to make sure I would take care of you and return you unscathed."
"He told you not to have sex with me, didn't he? Stewart, you're On Notice!"
"I can't answer that, but you didn’t think I'd take you on a real farm did you? I mean this a real farm; it's my farm, gotta get away from the city sometime, but, Stephen, you're a lawsuit waiting to happen. I couldn't take you to a working farm; you might burn it down."
"I take great offense to your slanderous allegations. So, you milk the cow like this?"
"Yes, except for the part where you aim it at my face."
"Oh, my bad."
"Yeah, I'll bet."
"Hey, I'm just a good old boy."
"Right. Meanin' no harm either?"
"Beats all you never saw, been in trouble with the law, since the day I was born."
"Stephen, are you really singing the theme to the Dukes of Hazzard?"
"Shut up and sing along, Rowe! You're the opera singer."
"Makin' their way, the only way they know how..."
"Better. That's just a little bit more than the law will allow."
"Stephen, you realize you're flat, right?"
"Don't make me kick your ass, Rowe."
"You seem really attached to my ass, Stephen. Are you sure there's not something I should know?"
"No, and if there was, I wouldn't tell you on cable TV anyway. Now finish the song."
"Just two good ol' boys, wouldn't change if they could, fightin' the system like two modern-day Robin Hoods..."
"That's you and me, Mike, fightin' the system like modern-day Robin Hoods."
"You know, you're right Stephen."
"I was born right, Mike."
"Oh, come on."
"Yes, I -- fuckin' A! Your cow stepped on my foot!"
"Yes, Stephen, fuckin' A indeed."
And that ladies and gentlemen is today's segment of Stephen Colbert's Fallback Position. Next time, join me for when I go on assignment to find out who is the Hottest Man Alive. Well, besides me. And why would I do this for you? Because it's like Mike Rowe says, it's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it!
-end-
*Fuckin 'A tribute from Office Space.