Of Deja Vu and Exhaustion
So I got through my exam alive. I had more panic attacks in the last month than I have in the last year, and I have come to what feels like the same conclusion I've come to about a dozen times by now - nobody cares about my wellbeing more than they care about their own interests.
I keep saying I'm going to stick up for myself in both my professional and private life; that I'm going to put my own needs ahead of others' and not run myself into the ground needlessly. This hasn't happened the last three times I've said it, and I honestly don't know if it's going to happen this time either.
I've come to realise that the problem isn't that they think their shit is more important than mine, it's that I think that way too. I think taking care of other people is more important than taking care of myself, and when nobody feels the need to take care of me in turn, I accept that I'm not worth it so obviously why would they.
There's not really much point to this post; just me telling myself -yet again- that I need to take better care of my mental and physical health. The anxiety gets bad, and I realise these things, but by that point the anxiety is too bad for me to actually stand up for myself anyway. Shaking, crying, hiding, and even screaming are not long term solutions to my problem, and my problem is simple - not only don't I recognise my worth, I let others (implicitly mostly) tell me that there isn't enough worth to be stood up for. I need to get my shit together... but then I've said that before too.
Ok, that's enough rambling for now. Hopefully me result comes back as a pass, then I get to start this fun ride all over again. Hopefully this time I'll remember to put my seatbelt on.
I keep saying I'm going to stick up for myself in both my professional and private life; that I'm going to put my own needs ahead of others' and not run myself into the ground needlessly. This hasn't happened the last three times I've said it, and I honestly don't know if it's going to happen this time either.
I've come to realise that the problem isn't that they think their shit is more important than mine, it's that I think that way too. I think taking care of other people is more important than taking care of myself, and when nobody feels the need to take care of me in turn, I accept that I'm not worth it so obviously why would they.
There's not really much point to this post; just me telling myself -yet again- that I need to take better care of my mental and physical health. The anxiety gets bad, and I realise these things, but by that point the anxiety is too bad for me to actually stand up for myself anyway. Shaking, crying, hiding, and even screaming are not long term solutions to my problem, and my problem is simple - not only don't I recognise my worth, I let others (implicitly mostly) tell me that there isn't enough worth to be stood up for. I need to get my shit together... but then I've said that before too.
Ok, that's enough rambling for now. Hopefully me result comes back as a pass, then I get to start this fun ride all over again. Hopefully this time I'll remember to put my seatbelt on.