i just have a few things to get off my chest
dont ever do something for me that you dont want to.
in any relationship there are comprimises. you are going to have to do things that you may not like to. but if you're doing it for someone you love it shouldnt be because you dont want to get yelled at or whined at.. it should be because you love them and you either want to make them happy or make there life easier.
maybe its just me..
i spend all day thinking about people... walking past things they might like.. looking for things to buy them.. doing nice things for them just so i can see them smile.
i just want them to feel the same. the last thing i want to hear after rying to make somone smile is that they are goign to do something nice for me so they wont have to hear me complain.
next issue:
do you have any idea how hard it is to hear someone so hurt on the other end of the phone and not being able to be there for them? i used to feel quilty anytime i felt liek i was happy or having fun because i knew that there was this person on the other side of the phone that couldnt be happy unless i was there with them. and instead of being there i was having fun somewhere else trying not to think about it because it made me cry.
ive spent so many years feeling guilty about one thing or the other because i always felt it was my fault.. now i dont know how to feel.. all the same songs still make me cry even though i have no reason to feel guilty anymore. . i still feel like i need to be there for him. but he doesnt need me anymore.. and i dont think he feels the least bit guilty that he cant be here for me when i need him.. im sure he can still have fun without me and not feel guilty that im depressed without him.
i just feel so useless.. no one needs me anymore. well my mom and brother do. . but thats it.
im not saying that i enjpy feeling guilt and im not wishing that pain on anyone.. i just dont want to hurt for nothing.
i can never feel good about anything i do anymore and i know ive been good for a very long time, i should be able to be happy, but im just so used to having this feeling it seems its become part of who i am. and now it feels like ive struggled for nothing because i have no one that needs me ans much as i need them.. and that seems to be all i really need to keep me going. knowing that theres someone out there to strive and work for and try to make happy, without that theres no reason to move forward for me. because i wont be letting anyone down if i dont. they either already expect me to fail or dont care either way.
and none of this matters becuase it will never change anything.. im just a stupid girl with irrational emotions.. common.. just gimmi a pat on the head and tell me everything is just fine cuz thats what always happens.. all of my emotion and the daily crying in the car on my way home from work is really for nothing.
but seriously dont ever do anything for me unless you want to see me happy, cuz i dont fucking need your help anymore.
ill do this all on my own if i have to now.. i never wanted to and i probably wont get very far but id rather do it myself than have someone who doesnt care try because i told them to.. i hate pity.
in any relationship there are comprimises. you are going to have to do things that you may not like to. but if you're doing it for someone you love it shouldnt be because you dont want to get yelled at or whined at.. it should be because you love them and you either want to make them happy or make there life easier.
maybe its just me..
i spend all day thinking about people... walking past things they might like.. looking for things to buy them.. doing nice things for them just so i can see them smile.
i just want them to feel the same. the last thing i want to hear after rying to make somone smile is that they are goign to do something nice for me so they wont have to hear me complain.
next issue:
do you have any idea how hard it is to hear someone so hurt on the other end of the phone and not being able to be there for them? i used to feel quilty anytime i felt liek i was happy or having fun because i knew that there was this person on the other side of the phone that couldnt be happy unless i was there with them. and instead of being there i was having fun somewhere else trying not to think about it because it made me cry.
ive spent so many years feeling guilty about one thing or the other because i always felt it was my fault.. now i dont know how to feel.. all the same songs still make me cry even though i have no reason to feel guilty anymore. . i still feel like i need to be there for him. but he doesnt need me anymore.. and i dont think he feels the least bit guilty that he cant be here for me when i need him.. im sure he can still have fun without me and not feel guilty that im depressed without him.
i just feel so useless.. no one needs me anymore. well my mom and brother do. . but thats it.
im not saying that i enjpy feeling guilt and im not wishing that pain on anyone.. i just dont want to hurt for nothing.
i can never feel good about anything i do anymore and i know ive been good for a very long time, i should be able to be happy, but im just so used to having this feeling it seems its become part of who i am. and now it feels like ive struggled for nothing because i have no one that needs me ans much as i need them.. and that seems to be all i really need to keep me going. knowing that theres someone out there to strive and work for and try to make happy, without that theres no reason to move forward for me. because i wont be letting anyone down if i dont. they either already expect me to fail or dont care either way.
and none of this matters becuase it will never change anything.. im just a stupid girl with irrational emotions.. common.. just gimmi a pat on the head and tell me everything is just fine cuz thats what always happens.. all of my emotion and the daily crying in the car on my way home from work is really for nothing.
but seriously dont ever do anything for me unless you want to see me happy, cuz i dont fucking need your help anymore.
ill do this all on my own if i have to now.. i never wanted to and i probably wont get very far but id rather do it myself than have someone who doesnt care try because i told them to.. i hate pity.