Bit Of Lame.
People Sometimes Hurt You A Lot.
As much as I dislike labels, I believe that everyone serves a certain purpose to someone else. Not as in 'everything happens for a reason' - because I don't believe in that or that people just use other people so that they can gain something from them...although that most definitely happens. But that we make friends (albeit sub-consciously) with people who perform certain duties within our lives. I have a few close knit friends, people who are quite close to me and know me the best. The thing is, most of these people don't know each other. I've like snatched them from different parts of the city so that my two closest friends know that each other exist but they are, by no stretch of the imagination, friends. And these people have certain 'roles' within my life. I have a friend that always helps me when I'm emotional and whingy; one who I muck around with and be a moron with...are you getting what I mean?
It's just that I'm really struggling at the moment is the boyfriend/girlfriend concept. I've recently (I say recently, because I don't think I can stand to be in this relationship any longer) been dating this boy called R. We've been together, as of this coming Friday, one year. I'm seventeen years old and 12 months with someone is a pretty massive achievement. But now that I seriously seriously evaluate the relationship I'm/I've been in (I always knew it was abnormal and yes, I always knew it was difficult and unfair) I really see how this person never fulfilled their role of 'boyfriend'. That's not to say that there is one specific way that all partners should act and that any variants are wrong; that's not what I mean at all. Just that certain elements within a relationship are common lore and I'm only realising now how many of them I was missing.
Trust, for one thing was never really solid - he doesn't have an issue with me being bisexual (well not one that he really told me about), but I know that he always felt uncomfortable with me going out with my other lesbian/bisexual friends. Love was always a ridiculously touchy subject - R told me he loved me last year, I reciprocated. At the beginning of this year, however, he took it back (I know, it sounds like grade 7) and said that he'd never actually declared anything of the kind. Now when you're a 17 year old girl, certain things stick in your mind - and being told that someone you loved, loved you back...that's something you remember. So he lied and boy oh boy, did that hurt. But I stayed with him and he's never said anything remotely close to 'I love you' since. But the worstworstWORST thing is that we never had any dependency. I could never depend on him to just make me feel better; I could never depend on him to just want to have a chat on the phone; or just be there when I was upset; and I could never depend on him to make me feel attractive or beautiful or anything. Yes, R said "you're beautiful" about a thousand times, but simply repeating something doesn't really mean anything. I just wanted to feel safe and warm with him and never, in the twelve months of being in a relationship with him, did I feel that.
It's amazing what the lack of sex and intimacy does. We never had any opportunity to be together, just hang out even. Long story; his mother isn't a huge fan of mine and R is a Momma's boy. Also he lives so very far away from me, he relies on his parents to drive him places and his mother flat out told me "I'm doing nothing to encourage this relationship." So R couldn't even get a lift to the train station if he was going to see me. And lying didn't work. We tried, and failed. So no sex, no cuddles, no just lazing around watching movies and making Milo. Nothing. I saw him everyday in a school environment. For a YEAR. And that is all. Frustrating.
I know I'm going to miss him so much. I know that there is nothing really that he could've done to see me more. And the people that I've explained all this and more to have all said the same thing - dump his skinny ass and get someone who you can care about properly, someone you can have a good time with and someone who doesn't constantly make you cry. AKLSdaklfhusdlfnasjkfgaulsdbjfuohjybdfljbnfjkaldjfndjkacndjabglcjknlasdjkgfdjjjjabfdjlcndjlf. I don't know why I've held on for so long. Taken so many snubs from him. Apologised for him. Been cancelled on a thousand times and never said anything.
I guess I just wanted him. I hate liking him so much. I hate being such a whingy BABY. I didn't think I had this many tears inside my body. I hate crying and crying and feeling so awful. I hate loving him so MUCH and not having him love me back.
Sometimes stupid pictures of yourself is healthy.
I look very young.
I love this person very very much.
This is my bedroom.
I collect quotes and passages of writing that I like. So when I read something that sounds A+ to me, I write it on any scrap of paper I have and then tack it to my wall. It's sort of like a GIANT scrapbook. Same with pictures.
I also like Harry Potter an awful lot.
My favourite quote at the moment is "The Clitoris: nature's rubix cube."
I hope some of you read this. Sometimes impartial people are the best to talk/rant to.
[It's amazing how theraputic writing is.]
As much as I dislike labels, I believe that everyone serves a certain purpose to someone else. Not as in 'everything happens for a reason' - because I don't believe in that or that people just use other people so that they can gain something from them...although that most definitely happens. But that we make friends (albeit sub-consciously) with people who perform certain duties within our lives. I have a few close knit friends, people who are quite close to me and know me the best. The thing is, most of these people don't know each other. I've like snatched them from different parts of the city so that my two closest friends know that each other exist but they are, by no stretch of the imagination, friends. And these people have certain 'roles' within my life. I have a friend that always helps me when I'm emotional and whingy; one who I muck around with and be a moron with...are you getting what I mean?
It's just that I'm really struggling at the moment is the boyfriend/girlfriend concept. I've recently (I say recently, because I don't think I can stand to be in this relationship any longer) been dating this boy called R. We've been together, as of this coming Friday, one year. I'm seventeen years old and 12 months with someone is a pretty massive achievement. But now that I seriously seriously evaluate the relationship I'm/I've been in (I always knew it was abnormal and yes, I always knew it was difficult and unfair) I really see how this person never fulfilled their role of 'boyfriend'. That's not to say that there is one specific way that all partners should act and that any variants are wrong; that's not what I mean at all. Just that certain elements within a relationship are common lore and I'm only realising now how many of them I was missing.
Trust, for one thing was never really solid - he doesn't have an issue with me being bisexual (well not one that he really told me about), but I know that he always felt uncomfortable with me going out with my other lesbian/bisexual friends. Love was always a ridiculously touchy subject - R told me he loved me last year, I reciprocated. At the beginning of this year, however, he took it back (I know, it sounds like grade 7) and said that he'd never actually declared anything of the kind. Now when you're a 17 year old girl, certain things stick in your mind - and being told that someone you loved, loved you back...that's something you remember. So he lied and boy oh boy, did that hurt. But I stayed with him and he's never said anything remotely close to 'I love you' since. But the worstworstWORST thing is that we never had any dependency. I could never depend on him to just make me feel better; I could never depend on him to just want to have a chat on the phone; or just be there when I was upset; and I could never depend on him to make me feel attractive or beautiful or anything. Yes, R said "you're beautiful" about a thousand times, but simply repeating something doesn't really mean anything. I just wanted to feel safe and warm with him and never, in the twelve months of being in a relationship with him, did I feel that.
It's amazing what the lack of sex and intimacy does. We never had any opportunity to be together, just hang out even. Long story; his mother isn't a huge fan of mine and R is a Momma's boy. Also he lives so very far away from me, he relies on his parents to drive him places and his mother flat out told me "I'm doing nothing to encourage this relationship." So R couldn't even get a lift to the train station if he was going to see me. And lying didn't work. We tried, and failed. So no sex, no cuddles, no just lazing around watching movies and making Milo. Nothing. I saw him everyday in a school environment. For a YEAR. And that is all. Frustrating.
I know I'm going to miss him so much. I know that there is nothing really that he could've done to see me more. And the people that I've explained all this and more to have all said the same thing - dump his skinny ass and get someone who you can care about properly, someone you can have a good time with and someone who doesn't constantly make you cry. AKLSdaklfhusdlfnasjkfgaulsdbjfuohjybdfljbnfjkaldjfndjkacndjabglcjknlasdjkgfdjjjjabfdjlcndjlf. I don't know why I've held on for so long. Taken so many snubs from him. Apologised for him. Been cancelled on a thousand times and never said anything.
I guess I just wanted him. I hate liking him so much. I hate being such a whingy BABY. I didn't think I had this many tears inside my body. I hate crying and crying and feeling so awful. I hate loving him so MUCH and not having him love me back.
Sometimes stupid pictures of yourself is healthy.
I look very young.
I love this person very very much.
This is my bedroom.
I collect quotes and passages of writing that I like. So when I read something that sounds A+ to me, I write it on any scrap of paper I have and then tack it to my wall. It's sort of like a GIANT scrapbook. Same with pictures.
I also like Harry Potter an awful lot.
My favourite quote at the moment is "The Clitoris: nature's rubix cube."
I hope some of you read this. Sometimes impartial people are the best to talk/rant to.
[It's amazing how theraputic writing is.]