Satiation Doesn't Equal Satisfaction

Mar 31, 2009 10:47

Why is it that no matter how much we have, we are never happy? It's an American pandemic. This infectious disease is eating away at people. We want more than we have and we get more it's never enough and while it might satiate the appetite for a little while, it never really satisfies.

I make jokes about being a poor college student, get frustrated over not being able to pay bills or buy certain things, when in reality, most of the stuff I buy, I don't really need. I will admit that I sometimes use retail "therapy" when I'm unhappy. I know it doesn't work in the long run. In fact, it just hurts me more because when I get the bill I get frustrated because I really can't pay it. Or I can't pay other bills because of my shopping sprees. I don't spend a ton of money, but I definitely spend money on things I don't really need. I'll openly admit I have a problem with materialism. I'm better than I used to be, but I still look to objects to make me happy from time to time. There is a certain thrill from a new purchase.

I really need to give up excess purchases. I think that should be my goal for the rest of the semester. My money really just needs to go to groceries and utility bills. And in all honesty, I think I can get buy without buying groceries. I have a lot of non-perishables in my house. Not exactly the healthiest thing, but I really need to stop spending money. I have a lot of bills to pay because of my stupid unnecessary spending. And my current income will only cover my utility bills. I wanted to find a second job for the semester, but it didn't really work out.

My life really needs restructuring right now. I've been really depressed for most of the semester. I don't do much. I go to class. I go to Crusade events. I meet with certain individuals on a weekly basis. I go to work. I go to church. I spend a lot of time huddled up in my room.

I don't have regular quiet times. I watch far too much television. I waste a lot of time on the Internet. I take more naps than I really need.

I need to do my homework before the day it's due. I need to actually get into God's Word. I need to get to the gym on a regular basis because my body really needs the endorphins. I need to actually take my meds on a regular basis.

I go through phases with medications. I'll be really good about taking it every day for a couple of weeks, then I'll end up going off of it for a few weeks. Not good, I know. It's quite bad actually. I've been really bad about taking my meds this semester. I know this is where a lot of my problems stem from.

I find it funny that most people find me to be so bubbly, happy, and well-adjusted when I'm really a mess. I never realized how good I was at hiding things. Or maybe people just don't bother to take a close enough look. Or maybe they just hear my exuberant laughter and assume that everything is okay because I'm still able to laugh.

My life really needs restructuring. Well, what my life really needs is more Jesus. Because in all reality, I don't think I can ever get enough of God. I'm still doing a lot of things on my own "strength" but in reality, I'm doing things on my own weakness. I love Jesus a lot. I don't give him the time, energy, or passion he deserves.

God really spoke to me this weekend. I've been feeling so lonely and beat down, and even though I needed to do homework, I still went to the young adult service that happens at my church once a month. I really just want to draw close to Jesus. I really just want to crawl into God's lap and let Him hold me close and kiss the top of my head and just be with Him. I just want more time with God. I really just want to rest in Him. I've been feeling so lonely lately and desperate for affection. It's so hard sometimes, because I can't physically feel God. I can't exactly ask Him for a hug when I need one. Well, I can, but it's different. I really just constantly need to be held, be touched. I'm such an affectionate person. I need touch. I know it's why that I constantly go after guys and am looking for love. I'm really just looking for someone to hold my hand and hold me close when I feel like I'm going to pieces. But people can't fix me. They can't solve my problems. Sometimes I think the biggest idol in my life is touch. Touch, affection, they aren't bad things. And it's okay to need a hug or be close to people. But those things really need to just be a footnote, not the overarching theme.

Right now I'm just in a bizarre place because I don't really feel close to anyone. I do have friends. But I don't spend time with them on a regular basis. I don't talk to them on a regular basis. Well, I have people that I do talk to on a semi-regular basis. But I have a hard time feeling really close to anyone. I know a lot of this has to do with my self-worth issues. Like I have a hard time believe anyone really wants to be friends with me. My self-image is so messed up. Which is why I really need to go to God and learn to see myself as He sees me. I am so thankful for how much God loves me. Even though I don't always feel it, I know it's true and His love is there. I know He loves me totally perfectly. Like I am so beautiful and super rad and wonderful to Him. It's nice to know. I just wish I could really feel His love and have that love truly manifest it's presence in my life.

I feel so far away from everything. Like I am locked in this stone tower, high above the Earth with so many walls and layers and there is so much that needs to be broken down before I'm really free. It feels so impossible. I know it's not. But I've felt this way for such a long time. I know God is slowly working in me and has been tearing down that tower brick by brick, but sometimes I really wish He would just send a wrecking ball to rip it all down. Or maybe He could just a punch a hole and I crawl into His hand and He'd ever so gently hold me, protecting me, and then set me down again. I don't know.

I feel like such a mess sometimes. But I have to remind myself that I am not a mess, just messy. It doesn't define who I am. It's temporary.

I really just want to rely on the love of Jesus and stop looking to things and people for satisfaction. They aren't bad things, but they are just a side bar, not the actual feature.
Previous post Next post
Up