who you want to be is more important than who you want to meet
Now that spring break is over, graduation is coming at me full steam ahead. I'm not going to say it's terrifying, maybe slightly disconcerting is the way to describe it. I'm an emotional mixed bag when it comes to the future. It's funny, I'm not going to say I'm ready to graduate, but I'm ready for this semester to end, if that makes any sense. Mostly because I despise magazine editing with a flaming passion and have become rather anti-Newhouse. (Oh the irony.) I'm at the point where I'd love to just drop my magazine major, drop magazine editing and com law and be done with Newhouse. (But I'd still show up to com law because I <3 Gutterman that much.) I realize this is completely ridiculous, hence why I will not actually follow through with it. But it's a thought. I realize now that I stuck with magazine because of my pride and I am certainly paying for it. I didn't want to drop my mag major because it was why I came to Syracuse in the first place and it was totally a status thing in wanting to be a Newhouse graduate. I will openly admit that I am a prideful, sinful person. That's why I love the grace of God. But on the other hand, I've learned a lot about myself through my Newhouse classes and it's definitely helped break me of my pride, even though the whole reason I stuck with it was because of pride, if that makes any sense.
Right now I just want to make the most of the time I have left at Syracuse. And by making the most of this time, I mean I'm giving the rest of my semester to God and letting Him do with it as He pleases. It's all His anyway. It's silly to hold on to it.
I heard a rather profound thing at Crusade the other night. The pastor of my church here was our guest speaker and after he was mostly done with his message, he went off on a tangent (and like always it was excellent.) He mentioned how his daughter is at a Christian school and noticed that everyone seems to be looking for their soul mate. Rather than focusing on who she wants to meet, she said she was going to focus on being who she wants to be. That pretty much hit me smack dab in the face and knocked me to the ground. I realized how much time I waste thinking about who I want to meet or how I want my life to be instead of being the person I long to be and living the life I long to live. We do that a lot. I think it's part of being human.
It got me thinking, who do I want to be?
I want to love God more. Seriously, as a Christian I am so thankful for salvation and the many gifts God has given me, I want to live a life that truly reflects what I believe. I want to be a woman of prayer and a woman of God's word. Why? Because I want to be a woman of character. And I know that if I seek God, He will be present in all areas of my life.
I spend too much time focusing on myself. I want to give to other people. I want to be concerned with issues of social justice. I want to feed and clothe the poor and fight injustices that happen around the world. It's about being aware. I can't fix all of the world's problems, but I can choose how I participate in the social structures around me and I can do my part to help free people of the social structures that place them in a cage. It's the little things, like giving what little money I have to others and choosing to be aware of the evils in the world and helping educate others.
I really just want to love other people. I get so fixated on my own life, when in reality, it really is not that bad. I just have a hard time seeing outside of myself. It's being able to talk to people and ask how are they doing and really listening to what they have to say. It's about being perceptive to how others are feeling. I'm rather awkward when it comes to social relationships. I have a hard time opening myself to other people. I'm guarded a lot of the time. I know part of it is because I have a hard time believing people can care about me. I know I need to take time to deal with my own issues and learning how to like myself, but while in that process I need to just be open and real with other people.
How often are we real about the grit and dirt of life? I want to be genuine. I don't want to be a phony. I just want to be open and honest in how I care about other people and what is going on in my life. I will never be little miss sunshine. I will never be a saint. There are times when I screw up and I'm not the best person. But that doesn't mean that I am going to stop trying to be a better person.
I just want to be able to love God, to love other people and to love myself.
And yeah, while I am doing that I want to become a practicing occupational therapist who works with the developmentally disabled, get married, have a family, spend time volunteering, give my money to the poor, be active in my church and be actively pursuing God. And if I could do all of this and live in a house in a canyon in California that would be nice. I want a backyard filled with flowers, jacaranda trees, lemon and orange trees, butterflies and fairy sculptures and wind chimes.
But for now I will be Steffi Jean in Syracuse, then in the 413 for a year, and then at whatever grad school accepts me and gives me money.
Seeking. God. Honesty. Beauty. Giving. Loving. Being. I want to be actively pursuing all of these things.
Right now I just want to make the most of the time I have left at Syracuse. And by making the most of this time, I mean I'm giving the rest of my semester to God and letting Him do with it as He pleases. It's all His anyway. It's silly to hold on to it.
I heard a rather profound thing at Crusade the other night. The pastor of my church here was our guest speaker and after he was mostly done with his message, he went off on a tangent (and like always it was excellent.) He mentioned how his daughter is at a Christian school and noticed that everyone seems to be looking for their soul mate. Rather than focusing on who she wants to meet, she said she was going to focus on being who she wants to be. That pretty much hit me smack dab in the face and knocked me to the ground. I realized how much time I waste thinking about who I want to meet or how I want my life to be instead of being the person I long to be and living the life I long to live. We do that a lot. I think it's part of being human.
It got me thinking, who do I want to be?
I want to love God more. Seriously, as a Christian I am so thankful for salvation and the many gifts God has given me, I want to live a life that truly reflects what I believe. I want to be a woman of prayer and a woman of God's word. Why? Because I want to be a woman of character. And I know that if I seek God, He will be present in all areas of my life.
I spend too much time focusing on myself. I want to give to other people. I want to be concerned with issues of social justice. I want to feed and clothe the poor and fight injustices that happen around the world. It's about being aware. I can't fix all of the world's problems, but I can choose how I participate in the social structures around me and I can do my part to help free people of the social structures that place them in a cage. It's the little things, like giving what little money I have to others and choosing to be aware of the evils in the world and helping educate others.
I really just want to love other people. I get so fixated on my own life, when in reality, it really is not that bad. I just have a hard time seeing outside of myself. It's being able to talk to people and ask how are they doing and really listening to what they have to say. It's about being perceptive to how others are feeling. I'm rather awkward when it comes to social relationships. I have a hard time opening myself to other people. I'm guarded a lot of the time. I know part of it is because I have a hard time believing people can care about me. I know I need to take time to deal with my own issues and learning how to like myself, but while in that process I need to just be open and real with other people.
How often are we real about the grit and dirt of life? I want to be genuine. I don't want to be a phony. I just want to be open and honest in how I care about other people and what is going on in my life. I will never be little miss sunshine. I will never be a saint. There are times when I screw up and I'm not the best person. But that doesn't mean that I am going to stop trying to be a better person.
I just want to be able to love God, to love other people and to love myself.
And yeah, while I am doing that I want to become a practicing occupational therapist who works with the developmentally disabled, get married, have a family, spend time volunteering, give my money to the poor, be active in my church and be actively pursuing God. And if I could do all of this and live in a house in a canyon in California that would be nice. I want a backyard filled with flowers, jacaranda trees, lemon and orange trees, butterflies and fairy sculptures and wind chimes.
But for now I will be Steffi Jean in Syracuse, then in the 413 for a year, and then at whatever grad school accepts me and gives me money.
Seeking. God. Honesty. Beauty. Giving. Loving. Being. I want to be actively pursuing all of these things.