Secrets
This is where I go running back to a place I used to belong.
Fuck I am depressed. I have reached the lowest point of my life in 2010 yesterday. Thoughts of hurting myself were rampant and I wasn't merely thinking of doing it. I almost reached for the knife. I was so depressed that I became stupid.
Why all the extremities? It's not like I've never been depressed before. Why the sudden thoughts of slashing and slitting?
Because I thought someone could help me to get out of my misery and it turns out no one was there. Not anymore. I had hopes this time I don't have to wallow in sadness all by myself. I had hopes I could share my feelings. I had hopes I don't have to tell people, "SHIT I'M DEPRESSED". Said hopes were crushed and so was my ability to think rationally instead of emotionally.
Whenever I actually have hopes on other human beings, it almost always ends up with disappointment. The latter being more frequent than almost. Thus, I came up with the conclusion that it's better to just suffer alone. At least you're only gonna be disappointed with yourself, says my head. No one else would be there for you as readily as you would for yourself. I now have a new principle in life, "It's every man for himself."
Now, it'd be unfair if I were to say no one could help me at all. Friends? Have them. Family? Just a call away. That person? Well, we're going through a rough patch right now so I'm naturally angry at him so whatever. Screw that asshole. I have people who can help me. But this time, I wanted something more. I wanted someone to come and sweep me off my monthly mood swings and fucking rescue me with words of encouragement. Without me telling. They just have to know. Baroque ideas, I know.
Although, one would respond to me cheekily, despite having friends and family, "..you want him to be that someone, don't you?" My answer would be yes. Yes, I want him to console me. I don't know what the both of us are, heck- he's ignoring me for 2 weeks now as compared to before the 2 weeks where texts and calls were daily; I am raging inside 90% because of him, but-- I want him to be the one. Come on, make my day. Call me to ask if I'm okay. Call me again if I decided to ignore you. Text me if I ignored you again. For the love of God, please tell me what has changed and why are you really ignoring me besides being busy and having problems? If it's someone else, I want to know. If I annoy you, I want to know. If you were playing with me and want to get rid of me, HELL-- I want to know. Good heavens, there's nothing else in the world I want to know (apart from leaked exam questions) other than WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?
Alas, we all know that's not gonna happen anytime soon. I have to play the waiting game first. A game I suck so horribly at. I asked but he lied. So I will wait. Til my patience runs so thin, it disappears. When that point comes... well, I hope it doesn't.
Fuck I am depressed. I have reached the lowest point of my life in 2010 yesterday. Thoughts of hurting myself were rampant and I wasn't merely thinking of doing it. I almost reached for the knife. I was so depressed that I became stupid.
Why all the extremities? It's not like I've never been depressed before. Why the sudden thoughts of slashing and slitting?
Because I thought someone could help me to get out of my misery and it turns out no one was there. Not anymore. I had hopes this time I don't have to wallow in sadness all by myself. I had hopes I could share my feelings. I had hopes I don't have to tell people, "SHIT I'M DEPRESSED". Said hopes were crushed and so was my ability to think rationally instead of emotionally.
Whenever I actually have hopes on other human beings, it almost always ends up with disappointment. The latter being more frequent than almost. Thus, I came up with the conclusion that it's better to just suffer alone. At least you're only gonna be disappointed with yourself, says my head. No one else would be there for you as readily as you would for yourself. I now have a new principle in life, "It's every man for himself."
Now, it'd be unfair if I were to say no one could help me at all. Friends? Have them. Family? Just a call away. That person? Well, we're going through a rough patch right now so I'm naturally angry at him so whatever. Screw that asshole. I have people who can help me. But this time, I wanted something more. I wanted someone to come and sweep me off my monthly mood swings and fucking rescue me with words of encouragement. Without me telling. They just have to know. Baroque ideas, I know.
Although, one would respond to me cheekily, despite having friends and family, "..you want him to be that someone, don't you?" My answer would be yes. Yes, I want him to console me. I don't know what the both of us are, heck- he's ignoring me for 2 weeks now as compared to before the 2 weeks where texts and calls were daily; I am raging inside 90% because of him, but-- I want him to be the one. Come on, make my day. Call me to ask if I'm okay. Call me again if I decided to ignore you. Text me if I ignored you again. For the love of God, please tell me what has changed and why are you really ignoring me besides being busy and having problems? If it's someone else, I want to know. If I annoy you, I want to know. If you were playing with me and want to get rid of me, HELL-- I want to know. Good heavens, there's nothing else in the world I want to know (apart from leaked exam questions) other than WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?
Alas, we all know that's not gonna happen anytime soon. I have to play the waiting game first. A game I suck so horribly at. I asked but he lied. So I will wait. Til my patience runs so thin, it disappears. When that point comes... well, I hope it doesn't.