Im not trying to sound so insincere but the postcard taped to the freezer reads "wish you were here"
OH HEYYYY. remember me? apparently i only have time to update when Sean is away.
thus my excessive posts during deployment and now he's at NTC in Cali so here I am.
i miss him ridiculous amounts. this feels harder than deployment because there's no contact. any time I'm alone even for a minute i start to get sad. the more time that passes the quicker it happens. I'm around people quite a lot because Loren & I hang out most days but still. tonight i left work and by the time i got to my car i just wanted to crawl into bed. him being at NTC has made it hit me how fucking hard this next deployment will be. in my head it would be easier. I've already done a year long deployment. this one will be 9months. I'll be prepared for it (or at least as much as one can be prepared) because I'll know what to expect. what i didn't take into account is that last deployment we had been apart for eight months because he went to basic and then lived at Ft Bragg while i was still in Massachusetts. So really, the main difference was that we couldn't talk *as much* (not counting the whole...he's in danger and could die in an instant thing...) But this time around, we're together everyday unless he's in the field a few days. i call him on my way home from work nearly everyday. I always get a kiss good night (if we're not fighting lol) and in general he's always there to spend time with. Him leaving and having no contact was a major blow. the house feels so empty as do my days. i miss him the most on my way home from work i think. i miss our phone calls. I'm absolutely dreading this deployment now. and it's supposed to be February. that's only 4 more months with him. i can't bear to think about 9 months without him. sigh.
anyway. other than being rather depressed over stupid NTC things are just okay. i drove down to FL to surprise my mom last Sunday and it was SUCH a good surprise. it made her so happy and she thanked me a bunch of times during my visit. that was of course after she kept calling me a bitch for surprising her lol. my aunt however, tried her best to ruin the visit. she disowned me (for the second time) in May or June and we haven't spoken since. apparently she saw a text as well that i sent my mom saying her son looks like a monkey which he does. no joke. AND! she dressed him as a monkey for Halloween. it was just too funny lol. anyway, she went off on my mom and said how horrible i was and blah blah and played the woeeee is me card all over the place. she was mad at my uncle for not telling her about my SURPRISE...riiight. my mom felt uncomfortable in her own house (my aunt moved down to FL in June) and when we dropped her off one night she wouldn't let me walk her in because she didn't want to deal with the wrath of Kerrie. it really upset me i wasn't even allowed in my moms house when just this past Easter Sean & I stayed there with her. idk. it's a sucky situation. my mom and uncle both agree she needs to get some damn help. she thinks everyone is out to get her and everything has to be so sugar coated. my grandmother had schizophrenia so apparently kerrie is sorta on that train.
being around her made me realize how much I don't want people like her in my life. i'm so damn tired of worrying about what people think and for the most part i've stopped caring where it doesn't matter. i don't like having to filter what i say to my friends/family. the whole thing with my aunt started because i said something straight to her and she didn't like what i had to say because i was expected to just go along with her. i don't like being fed excuses either, just give me an answer. i HATE when i know someone is just making excuses when they could just tell me no. i used to make excuses when i didn't want to do something and one day i decided i didn't want to waste the energy. why does it matter? i can tell someone i don't want to do something and it's okay because it's my decision. i think I've "grown" a lot the last year or two. deployment made me realize what's important and moving to NC showed me who my friends were.
speaking of friends......EVERYONE IS PREGNANT. nothing against anyone who wants a baby all the power to ya. but everywhere i go it seems people are pregnant. someone i started becoming good friends with from the FRG accidentally got pregnant and i was just so...disappointed. i was excited to have another good friend down here and we had talked about maybe living together during deployment but i am surely not going to live with a new born unless it's blood related (aka my nieces lol). also i miss those babies dearly. they've started talking a lot more since i saw them at the beginning of August and for the second year in a row i'm missing their birthday :\ blah.
anyway this is way long. probably because i never update. i've been writing in my journal more lately. that helps a little most nights as does disappearing into my books<3 man i love reading. okay well...hope everyone is doing well, especially anyone pregnant!! lol :)
thus my excessive posts during deployment and now he's at NTC in Cali so here I am.
i miss him ridiculous amounts. this feels harder than deployment because there's no contact. any time I'm alone even for a minute i start to get sad. the more time that passes the quicker it happens. I'm around people quite a lot because Loren & I hang out most days but still. tonight i left work and by the time i got to my car i just wanted to crawl into bed. him being at NTC has made it hit me how fucking hard this next deployment will be. in my head it would be easier. I've already done a year long deployment. this one will be 9months. I'll be prepared for it (or at least as much as one can be prepared) because I'll know what to expect. what i didn't take into account is that last deployment we had been apart for eight months because he went to basic and then lived at Ft Bragg while i was still in Massachusetts. So really, the main difference was that we couldn't talk *as much* (not counting the whole...he's in danger and could die in an instant thing...) But this time around, we're together everyday unless he's in the field a few days. i call him on my way home from work nearly everyday. I always get a kiss good night (if we're not fighting lol) and in general he's always there to spend time with. Him leaving and having no contact was a major blow. the house feels so empty as do my days. i miss him the most on my way home from work i think. i miss our phone calls. I'm absolutely dreading this deployment now. and it's supposed to be February. that's only 4 more months with him. i can't bear to think about 9 months without him. sigh.
anyway. other than being rather depressed over stupid NTC things are just okay. i drove down to FL to surprise my mom last Sunday and it was SUCH a good surprise. it made her so happy and she thanked me a bunch of times during my visit. that was of course after she kept calling me a bitch for surprising her lol. my aunt however, tried her best to ruin the visit. she disowned me (for the second time) in May or June and we haven't spoken since. apparently she saw a text as well that i sent my mom saying her son looks like a monkey which he does. no joke. AND! she dressed him as a monkey for Halloween. it was just too funny lol. anyway, she went off on my mom and said how horrible i was and blah blah and played the woeeee is me card all over the place. she was mad at my uncle for not telling her about my SURPRISE...riiight. my mom felt uncomfortable in her own house (my aunt moved down to FL in June) and when we dropped her off one night she wouldn't let me walk her in because she didn't want to deal with the wrath of Kerrie. it really upset me i wasn't even allowed in my moms house when just this past Easter Sean & I stayed there with her. idk. it's a sucky situation. my mom and uncle both agree she needs to get some damn help. she thinks everyone is out to get her and everything has to be so sugar coated. my grandmother had schizophrenia so apparently kerrie is sorta on that train.
being around her made me realize how much I don't want people like her in my life. i'm so damn tired of worrying about what people think and for the most part i've stopped caring where it doesn't matter. i don't like having to filter what i say to my friends/family. the whole thing with my aunt started because i said something straight to her and she didn't like what i had to say because i was expected to just go along with her. i don't like being fed excuses either, just give me an answer. i HATE when i know someone is just making excuses when they could just tell me no. i used to make excuses when i didn't want to do something and one day i decided i didn't want to waste the energy. why does it matter? i can tell someone i don't want to do something and it's okay because it's my decision. i think I've "grown" a lot the last year or two. deployment made me realize what's important and moving to NC showed me who my friends were.
speaking of friends......EVERYONE IS PREGNANT. nothing against anyone who wants a baby all the power to ya. but everywhere i go it seems people are pregnant. someone i started becoming good friends with from the FRG accidentally got pregnant and i was just so...disappointed. i was excited to have another good friend down here and we had talked about maybe living together during deployment but i am surely not going to live with a new born unless it's blood related (aka my nieces lol). also i miss those babies dearly. they've started talking a lot more since i saw them at the beginning of August and for the second year in a row i'm missing their birthday :\ blah.
anyway this is way long. probably because i never update. i've been writing in my journal more lately. that helps a little most nights as does disappearing into my books<3 man i love reading. okay well...hope everyone is doing well, especially anyone pregnant!! lol :)