hawaii five WHAT
Right, dudes, so, the H50 finale. I couldn't watch it last night--my cable went out because my life is terrible--so I watched it today on my lunch break. And, honestly, I think my reactions would be different if I'd watched it in real-time, or if I hadn't had 4 hours sitting around filing to think about it, but! As it happens, it went down like it went down, so now I ask you all to take a breath, calm your tits, and step aboard the Jizz Train of Logical Thought. I would hope it goes without saying that any character bashing will be trod upon firmly, but I am saying it anyway: we do not bash here yo. Okay? Okay.
Logical Thought One: Guys, New Baby Williams Is Bordering on Impossible.
Like, really. Like, a lot. Like, even if we disregard the fact that writing any show becomes MUCH HARDER when you involve brand new babies, even if we disregard the executive producer who undoubtedly said ARE YOU CRAZY, DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE THE FACT THAT THIS IS THE NEW CBS CASH COW AND BABIES MAKE SHOWS JUMP THE SHARK, even if we disregard the fact that there's only so much anyone would ask of the child actor who plays Grace (who, while adorable and talented, is not exactly Abigail Breslin), there is still no way this is going to happen, and I will tell you why. It is because television shows--as much as we watch them for the writing or the acting or the pretty or whatever--television shows exist to make money. And babies? Babies cost money. Babies mean you have to cast a baby, and then the subsequent series of child actors to play said baby as it grows up, because TV time and Real Time are paced differently. Babies mean you have to make the set safe for said baby; I bet you dollars to donuts babies make your insurance go way, way up. Babies mean a million and five takes of every scene involving said babies, because they are babies and cannot take direction, and sometimes they are sick, and sometimes they are colicky, and sometimes they need to be burped or they are asleep or they lost their binky or their mother is refusing to allow them on set because the lighting is going to harm their eyes or [insert other hurdle here]. And every take costs money, and more importantly costs time; let's not forget that this is a show that publicly admitted that their new actress was brought on because the regular cast was too exhausted to function. Babies do not make your crews' lives easier, and they do not make your actors happy. Babies be hard, yo.
More importantly--because at the end of the day all of the above is just a drop in the bucket, cash-wise--this is a procedural crime drama airing primetime on CBS. Let me repeat that: this is a procedural crime drama airing primetime on CBS. AND it's a reboot of a classic TV show! This is not HBO we're talking about here, guys; this is 42 minutes a week where you must include a villain du jour and also be accessible and understandable and entertaining for viewers who don't tune in all the time, many of whom are watching solely because they want to hear someone say "Book 'em, Danno!" A baby would fuck up their ratings and demographics like nobody's business, and that's where they make their real money. And, again, television shows are about making money.
Ain't gonna be no new baby. Rachel's not really pregnant, or she's going to miscarry, or she THINKS she's pregnant and turns out to be wrong. CBS wants to make money, and a baby would cost them money. If there is, come fall, a baby Williams on Hawaii 5-0, I will eat my hat. I won't even put barbeque sauce on it; I'll eat it plain. It's not going to happen.
Logical Thought Two: Danny is Not Going Back to New Jersey.
Because this is a reboot of a show whose catch phrase is "Book 'em, Danno!" Because Scotty Caan is not stupid, and this show is going to make him a lot of dough, and I cannot even tell you how sure I am that his agent is the kind of ball-buster who wouldn't let him sign a contract that would get him written off after the first season. Because this is the first season and Danny is a lead character. Because, seriously, do you have any idea how hard it would be to work around the Danno hurdle? On Hawaii 5-0? Really?
Ain't gonna be no baby, and ain't gonna be no Jersey either. Noooo chance. They could, in theory, pull Scotty Caan for like, an episode or two, but that's it. You can't remove Danno from the Hawaii 5-0 reboot in the second season, you just can't.
Logical Thought Three: Danny and Rachel Have Only Been Sleeping Together Since Last Week's Episode.
Admittedly, I was up in arms about the infidelity thing until I found out that Peter Lenkov tweeted that Danny wouldn't have slept with Rachel without knowing things were over between her and Stan. Does this make it okay that they're doing it? FUCK NO, but it makes me less angry about it. Maybe that's wrong, but it does.
And now, in support of the bolded statement above, I repeat (slightly tweaked) the comments I made last week in siriaeve's journal in regards to the "Were you ever going to tell me?" conversation between Steve and Danny about Rachel: I think if Danny had really been talking about an extramarital affair he was having with his ex-wife, he'd be...unlikely....to do it in the office in front of everyone? I mean, obviously, it was his team and he trusts his team, and it was Jenna and he knew Jenna had provided the info that saved his life, but I still just can't see him like. Discussing that shit for everyone to just hear, you know? Especially with Jenna there, because while he'd heard she saved him, he didn't really know her that well. PLUS, people who are involved in cheating generally do not look as surprised/thrilled to hear that their partner's marriage is on the rocks. Because they know that. Because they're cheating. Danny looked like the sun had come out from behind the clouds, so I am choosing to believe that Danny interpreted Steve's question to mean, "How long have you and Rachel been in such good place?" and responded the way he did because there were still some feelings there. Which, obviously, he and Rachel acted on, which I find frustrating on a lot of levels, but at least they haven't been fooling around for the whole season behind Stan's back.
"But Jizz," you are probably saying, "she is pregnant and she knows it's Danny's baby, and last week's ep was only a week ago!" To you I say:
1) Please to recall everything else Hawaii 5-0 has hand-waved this season ("WE HAVE TO GET THIS WITNESS TO COURT OR THIS MURDERER GOES FREE, OF COURSE THERE CANNOT BE A STAY, YOU THINK WE CAN JUST POSTPONE TRIALS BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE ATTACKED?" comes to mind, just as an example). This could easily be on the list of shit they hand-waved, and it can definitely be on the list of shit WE hand-wave. We're allowed to do that--this is a show where the dialogue exchange, "So, what, they're zombie pirates?" "It's possible," is canon, we can call an audible on this one.
2) TV time moves differently than real time. Last week's episode could have been a month or two ago; I, for one, find it unlikely that Rachel could be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN it's Danny's kid if they were sleeping together before she went on a "save my marriage" trip, because, like. Even if things are going badly, who doesn't at least try to have sex with their spouse on a marriage-saving trip? I mean, I know that she came back early, but come on.
3) As stated above: ain't gonna be no baby. For all we know, sheafrotherdon's theory about Rachel being blackmailed to get Danny off the island is accurate; for all we know, someone lied to Rachel and told her she was pregnant and she's not (again, to get Danny off the island). Point being: the whole story, we don't have it, let's not panic, yes?
Logical Thought Four: There Is No Way Chin Ho "I Am So Loyal That One Time I Lost My Job, My Entire Family and The Woman I Loved--Oh, and Worked As Security For a Gift Shop and Wept Manly Tears of Stoic Heartbreak Into My Pillow of Agony--to Avoid Betraying My Loved Ones" Kelly Has Sold Out His Team.
There's just not. The man might as well have the words "Most Badass of the Hufflepuffs" written across the ventricles of his heart; he is the most loyal dude in the history of loyal dudes. Also he hates no one more than that Cage dude, and also seriously Kono is in trouble and this is a guy who has literally given up his life for his family before. He has a plan, and it's not "I'm going to go back to HPD and pretend 5-0 never happened."
Logical Thought Five: It Would Be A Real Waste of Jean Smart to Just Make Her Evil
That's really my whole thought there. Admittedly this is at least part wishful thinking, because I really want them to go back and give that storyline some depth, but it's also totally true. I think there is potential for a pretty awesome explanation of her character, and I look forward to seeing if the writers actually take advantage of it. This show is, er, not exactly Sorkin, writing-wise, but IT'S JEAN SMART. I hope they know that. I hope we get awesome flashbacks next season. I hope I hope I hope.
Logical Thought Six: JENNA AND KONO ARE SO DOING IT.
Because I say so. That's totally a logical reason. Shut up.
Logical Thought One: Guys, New Baby Williams Is Bordering on Impossible.
Like, really. Like, a lot. Like, even if we disregard the fact that writing any show becomes MUCH HARDER when you involve brand new babies, even if we disregard the executive producer who undoubtedly said ARE YOU CRAZY, DO YOU NOT RECOGNIZE THE FACT THAT THIS IS THE NEW CBS CASH COW AND BABIES MAKE SHOWS JUMP THE SHARK, even if we disregard the fact that there's only so much anyone would ask of the child actor who plays Grace (who, while adorable and talented, is not exactly Abigail Breslin), there is still no way this is going to happen, and I will tell you why. It is because television shows--as much as we watch them for the writing or the acting or the pretty or whatever--television shows exist to make money. And babies? Babies cost money. Babies mean you have to cast a baby, and then the subsequent series of child actors to play said baby as it grows up, because TV time and Real Time are paced differently. Babies mean you have to make the set safe for said baby; I bet you dollars to donuts babies make your insurance go way, way up. Babies mean a million and five takes of every scene involving said babies, because they are babies and cannot take direction, and sometimes they are sick, and sometimes they are colicky, and sometimes they need to be burped or they are asleep or they lost their binky or their mother is refusing to allow them on set because the lighting is going to harm their eyes or [insert other hurdle here]. And every take costs money, and more importantly costs time; let's not forget that this is a show that publicly admitted that their new actress was brought on because the regular cast was too exhausted to function. Babies do not make your crews' lives easier, and they do not make your actors happy. Babies be hard, yo.
More importantly--because at the end of the day all of the above is just a drop in the bucket, cash-wise--this is a procedural crime drama airing primetime on CBS. Let me repeat that: this is a procedural crime drama airing primetime on CBS. AND it's a reboot of a classic TV show! This is not HBO we're talking about here, guys; this is 42 minutes a week where you must include a villain du jour and also be accessible and understandable and entertaining for viewers who don't tune in all the time, many of whom are watching solely because they want to hear someone say "Book 'em, Danno!" A baby would fuck up their ratings and demographics like nobody's business, and that's where they make their real money. And, again, television shows are about making money.
Ain't gonna be no new baby. Rachel's not really pregnant, or she's going to miscarry, or she THINKS she's pregnant and turns out to be wrong. CBS wants to make money, and a baby would cost them money. If there is, come fall, a baby Williams on Hawaii 5-0, I will eat my hat. I won't even put barbeque sauce on it; I'll eat it plain. It's not going to happen.
Logical Thought Two: Danny is Not Going Back to New Jersey.
Because this is a reboot of a show whose catch phrase is "Book 'em, Danno!" Because Scotty Caan is not stupid, and this show is going to make him a lot of dough, and I cannot even tell you how sure I am that his agent is the kind of ball-buster who wouldn't let him sign a contract that would get him written off after the first season. Because this is the first season and Danny is a lead character. Because, seriously, do you have any idea how hard it would be to work around the Danno hurdle? On Hawaii 5-0? Really?
Ain't gonna be no baby, and ain't gonna be no Jersey either. Noooo chance. They could, in theory, pull Scotty Caan for like, an episode or two, but that's it. You can't remove Danno from the Hawaii 5-0 reboot in the second season, you just can't.
Logical Thought Three: Danny and Rachel Have Only Been Sleeping Together Since Last Week's Episode.
Admittedly, I was up in arms about the infidelity thing until I found out that Peter Lenkov tweeted that Danny wouldn't have slept with Rachel without knowing things were over between her and Stan. Does this make it okay that they're doing it? FUCK NO, but it makes me less angry about it. Maybe that's wrong, but it does.
And now, in support of the bolded statement above, I repeat (slightly tweaked) the comments I made last week in siriaeve's journal in regards to the "Were you ever going to tell me?" conversation between Steve and Danny about Rachel: I think if Danny had really been talking about an extramarital affair he was having with his ex-wife, he'd be...unlikely....to do it in the office in front of everyone? I mean, obviously, it was his team and he trusts his team, and it was Jenna and he knew Jenna had provided the info that saved his life, but I still just can't see him like. Discussing that shit for everyone to just hear, you know? Especially with Jenna there, because while he'd heard she saved him, he didn't really know her that well. PLUS, people who are involved in cheating generally do not look as surprised/thrilled to hear that their partner's marriage is on the rocks. Because they know that. Because they're cheating. Danny looked like the sun had come out from behind the clouds, so I am choosing to believe that Danny interpreted Steve's question to mean, "How long have you and Rachel been in such good place?" and responded the way he did because there were still some feelings there. Which, obviously, he and Rachel acted on, which I find frustrating on a lot of levels, but at least they haven't been fooling around for the whole season behind Stan's back.
"But Jizz," you are probably saying, "she is pregnant and she knows it's Danny's baby, and last week's ep was only a week ago!" To you I say:
1) Please to recall everything else Hawaii 5-0 has hand-waved this season ("WE HAVE TO GET THIS WITNESS TO COURT OR THIS MURDERER GOES FREE, OF COURSE THERE CANNOT BE A STAY, YOU THINK WE CAN JUST POSTPONE TRIALS BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE ATTACKED?" comes to mind, just as an example). This could easily be on the list of shit they hand-waved, and it can definitely be on the list of shit WE hand-wave. We're allowed to do that--this is a show where the dialogue exchange, "So, what, they're zombie pirates?" "It's possible," is canon, we can call an audible on this one.
2) TV time moves differently than real time. Last week's episode could have been a month or two ago; I, for one, find it unlikely that Rachel could be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN it's Danny's kid if they were sleeping together before she went on a "save my marriage" trip, because, like. Even if things are going badly, who doesn't at least try to have sex with their spouse on a marriage-saving trip? I mean, I know that she came back early, but come on.
3) As stated above: ain't gonna be no baby. For all we know, sheafrotherdon's theory about Rachel being blackmailed to get Danny off the island is accurate; for all we know, someone lied to Rachel and told her she was pregnant and she's not (again, to get Danny off the island). Point being: the whole story, we don't have it, let's not panic, yes?
Logical Thought Four: There Is No Way Chin Ho "I Am So Loyal That One Time I Lost My Job, My Entire Family and The Woman I Loved--Oh, and Worked As Security For a Gift Shop and Wept Manly Tears of Stoic Heartbreak Into My Pillow of Agony--to Avoid Betraying My Loved Ones" Kelly Has Sold Out His Team.
There's just not. The man might as well have the words "Most Badass of the Hufflepuffs" written across the ventricles of his heart; he is the most loyal dude in the history of loyal dudes. Also he hates no one more than that Cage dude, and also seriously Kono is in trouble and this is a guy who has literally given up his life for his family before. He has a plan, and it's not "I'm going to go back to HPD and pretend 5-0 never happened."
Logical Thought Five: It Would Be A Real Waste of Jean Smart to Just Make Her Evil
That's really my whole thought there. Admittedly this is at least part wishful thinking, because I really want them to go back and give that storyline some depth, but it's also totally true. I think there is potential for a pretty awesome explanation of her character, and I look forward to seeing if the writers actually take advantage of it. This show is, er, not exactly Sorkin, writing-wise, but IT'S JEAN SMART. I hope they know that. I hope we get awesome flashbacks next season. I hope I hope I hope.
Logical Thought Six: JENNA AND KONO ARE SO DOING IT.
Because I say so. That's totally a logical reason. Shut up.